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AIBU?

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Original poster

Marraige compromise

131 replies

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 15:50

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.
OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 10/06/2023 17:44

as he says. An ex of mine was like that and I couldn’t live with it any longer. A nightmare…

Roselilly36 · 10/06/2023 17:49

YABU OP, how much time do you spend with your in-laws? Is there balance? It’s unfair to expect your DH only to socialise with your family. Of course, you need time as a family of four. You were away last weekend with your family. Perhaps your DH doesnt feel comfortable around them or perhaps it’s just too much. I have a friend who both of her marriages ended, and I think this was the big factor, she wants to be at her parents, every weekend, going on hols together etc. Think about what you want, out of life OP. It doesn’t need to be a choice, but they needs to be balance for the marriage to survive.

Sarahtm35 · 10/06/2023 17:51

If you don’t like the thought of spending time with your own family and they’re not enough for you then why don’t you go to the bbq yourself and let your husband take the kids out.
its normal for people to want to spend time with just their own family and not have to be constantly with the in-laws/brothers/cousins etc as it cans be stressful and tedious.
he’s kept to his end of the bargain so you should respectfully keep to yours too.

Bluebells1970 · 10/06/2023 17:51

Does he find your family a little bit overpowering? If he does, then he's very reasonable to want a degree of compromise. Have you discussed it?

AnotherEmma · 10/06/2023 17:51

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:26

Thanks for your responses I am aware I agreed to compromise and absolutely won't go back on it now.
There have been situations in the past where he has been very cross about time spent with them and has in the past said he doesn't want to do things but that he also doesn't want me or the kids going either. That then comes with him being grumpy for a few days. I guess I am just trying to find our where a happy medium is.

Hmmm. I think it's a bit worrying that he doesn't want you to see your family, even without him, and that if you do he is grumpy for days afterwards. That makes me wonder if he is controlling. Do you work? Do you see friends? Is he ok about you doing those things? What about his family, do you (as a whole family) spend time with them too? And when he says he wants to spend family time the 4 of you (which is fair enough) is there anything in particular that he wants to do ie weekends away, days out, family activities at home? Or does he just want quiet time at home doing his own thing while you look after the kids and don't see anyone else?

OttoGraph · 10/06/2023 17:51

I find this odd, why wouldn't you except and invitation to a function and then the other weekends without invitation spend time alone with your family. It seems slightly immature to be an every other weekend rather than planning stuff to do solo as a family on weekends without prior engagements. Obviously if you had already got plans as a family then you'd miss out

adviceneeded1990 · 10/06/2023 17:52

You’re getting some harsh responses here OP - I agree with @ohjustaoerfectday you don’t sound compatible but neither of you are wrong. We spend a lot of time with my family, especially my parents, but my DH lost both parents before adulthood and appreciates the environment and the feeling of having a ‘Mum and Dad.’ I’ve got friends who would hate that and agree with your DH. Not wrong, just different. If you want to get through it you both do have to compromise which probably means sticking to your side of the deal.

TheSnowyOwl · 10/06/2023 17:53

I suspect your marriage won’t last.

AnotherEmma · 10/06/2023 17:54

Also, I think it is relevant how often you see your family (with or without him) - is it every weekend, every other weekend, 1 in 4?? What kind of frequency are we talking?

And do you talk to your family on the phone in the evenings too?

If you spent every evening on the phone to them and every single weekend seeing them, I'd understand the problem, but if it's actually not that much, I would disagree with all the PPs blaming you.

Gymnopedie · 10/06/2023 17:55

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:31

We saw them lots before children, we did weekend away and football matches together.

And therein lies your problem. You don't seem to be able to have 'free' time without them being around, and haven't for a long time. I think he's been a saint for sucking it up for so long.

You had a full weekend with them last week, but now it's killing you that you're not going to a bbq. To be honest I think YOU (as in you personally) need to give a lot before you hit a fair compromise. And the same question as PPs - how much and how often do you see his family?

GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 17:56

Op you come across as a bit needy, and still tied to the apron strings. I find men like this deeply unattractive, and I don’t suppose it is any better the other way around.

Too much dependency

Emmamoo89 · 10/06/2023 17:57

Yabu

literalviolence · 10/06/2023 17:58

I think for someone who needs a higher level of stimulation and contact, a whole weekend with just the 4 of you is probably not great for you. Does it have to be 'whole weekend' or can it just be moments of both? e.g. just the 4 of you today and you go to your brother's tomorrow (maybe without OH?). I think you need to compromise but there are ways of doing it which better meet individual needs.

Sallyh87 · 10/06/2023 17:58

GulesMeansRed · 10/06/2023 17:34

I cannot imagine anything WORSE than being married to someone who wanted to socialise with aunties, cousins and siblings every fecking weekend.

Totally agree!! After a weekend away with in laws, I would need a couple of weeks mental health break.

Gymnopedie · 10/06/2023 17:59

I think it's a bit worrying that he doesn't want you to see your family, even without him, and that if you do he is grumpy for days afterwards.

I think that's a bit of a leap. I don't get the sense that it's because he doesn't want her to see her family, it's because he wants to spend at least some time with his wife and DCs. That's a significant difference. If she goes to her family without him, that's still not time together for him and that's why he's grumpy. Y'know, maybe he loves and likes his wife and would like to spend some time with her.

burnoutbabe · 10/06/2023 18:00

i suppose what is his plan for this quality time with just the family?

if he just wants to snooze at home, watching football whilst you entertain the kids, thats not really family time.

if he wants to do some activity with the kids at home/all 4 go out, then fine. but it doesn't sound like there is actually any other plan on offer.

SadieLia · 10/06/2023 18:03

ProfessorXtra · 10/06/2023 17:42

A balance is the compromise.

If you marriage was in trouble and you agreed to spend time as a family alone and time with extended family as well. You would enjoy the benefits (dh socialising with your family for an entire weekend) then go back on the agreement because you couldn’t stand to miss one BBQ?

Surely you wouldn’t have agreed to compromise in the first place?

The husband agreed to a balance. He is fulfilling his end of the compromise.

I don’t really see how that’s different to what everyone else has said.

Show quote history

Which is what I said about the compromise...did I not?

I couldn't be arsed with wanting to go to a BBQ and feeling like it's not allowed because we seen them last weekend. OP said she was staying in so she's staying in, it doesn't mean that she's not allowed to feel like she's missing out on something she would have liked to have said yes to.

MysteryBelle · 10/06/2023 18:04

I think you’re right to stick to your word and keep your promise to him. From his perspective, he doesn’t want to spend so much time with your extended family. It sounds like based on your posts, that your husband and children are not enough for you to spend time with, you must spend as much time as possible, whenever they say, with your extended family instead in order to be happy. Their plans, which are numerous and frequent, are paramount to you and your husband and children are an afterthought, if a thought at all.

Imagine if your husband 1) wanted to spend most of his free time with his extended family as his first priority and 2) also expected you to too when 3) it’s too much 4) you don’t want to and 5) he’s put them over his own family of wife and children in how he wants to spend his time.

That wouldn’t be very fun for you, would it?

Do you see what the problem is?

AnnaKareninnit · 10/06/2023 18:05

I'm a bit surprised OP's parents have never suggested that she might think of doing a bit more with her own nuclear family and a bit less with them. If any of my DC wanted to do absolutely everything with me despite being married and having children, I'd be gently suggesting that they should think of doing a mixture of things with us and things as a foursome. As the grandmother, I'd also be planning some activities that didn't involve the whole family (going out for the day with a friend, or pursuing a hobby or something). There's nothing remotely wrong with having good close relationships with your adult children and their children - in fact, it's fantastic - but an overly dependent relationship is not a good relationship.

MysteryBelle · 10/06/2023 18:06

AnnaKareninnit · 10/06/2023 18:05

I'm a bit surprised OP's parents have never suggested that she might think of doing a bit more with her own nuclear family and a bit less with them. If any of my DC wanted to do absolutely everything with me despite being married and having children, I'd be gently suggesting that they should think of doing a mixture of things with us and things as a foursome. As the grandmother, I'd also be planning some activities that didn't involve the whole family (going out for the day with a friend, or pursuing a hobby or something). There's nothing remotely wrong with having good close relationships with your adult children and their children - in fact, it's fantastic - but an overly dependent relationship is not a good relationship.

Well said

Musicaltheatremum · 10/06/2023 18:06

When I first met my husband he spent every weekend with his parents. Different in that we were 55 and 60 and his parents in their 90s but we had to go every weekend or so I thought. Lockdown happened and they coped for 3 months without us. I think he just thought that I enjoyed the weekends in the country. I did but not every weekend. Now it's much better and we go up every 2-3 weekends. His mum has since died as has my mum so we have to fit in 91 and 95 year old fathers but it's important to have time just as a family just you him and the children.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 10/06/2023 18:11

I couldn't be arsed with wanting to go to a BBQ and feeling like it's not allowed because we seen them last weekend.

But it would inevitably involve not doing whatever they were going to do.

Maybe her DH wants to spend some one on one (or two on two) time with his children without grandparents around etc. I really like my in laws, we see them frequently and go on holiday with them. But I don't want to see them every weekend, because I work all week and the weekends are the time that I get bigger chunks of time with my DC.

Obviously OP's DH may just be a lazy arse who wants to sit around while OP looks after the children. Although in that case I'd think he'd be happy for OP and DC to go without him.

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 10/06/2023 18:16

Rocktillyoudrop · 10/06/2023 16:26

Thanks for your responses I am aware I agreed to compromise and absolutely won't go back on it now.
There have been situations in the past where he has been very cross about time spent with them and has in the past said he doesn't want to do things but that he also doesn't want me or the kids going either. That then comes with him being grumpy for a few days. I guess I am just trying to find our where a happy medium is.

That's not reasonable of him, as he's objecting to a reasonable compromise: sometimes you go without him so the kids get to spend time with their extended family.

WheelsUp · 10/06/2023 18:17

That's not a compromise because the husband wants time with just OP and their kids.

DoingSomethingUnholy · 10/06/2023 18:19

I'd find it way too much and say the same as your husband, I couldn't handle more than 1 visit a month to see in laws and we are talking a few hours at a time not a long weekend. I think you need to compromise, if this is how you are generally I can see why you are in marriage counselling.