Marraige compromise

[Rocktillyoudrop]

My husband and I are currently in marraige counselling for a number of issues. Amongst the issues is our different prefrences how we spend lesuire time. I love to spend it with extended family and he craves time with just our imediate family (us plus 2 DCs). We went away with my family last weekend from friday morning to sunday evening which was really lovley so he then said he would like this weekend to be just us

My brother is doing a BBQ at his house which we have been invited to today with uncles/aunites, the kids cousins. I would really like to go and im sure the kids would too but i had promised to spend this weekend just us. I think I already know the answer and that I should be the one to compromise as he did last weekend. Although I just can't get the little niggle out of my head that we are missing out because he doesn't want to go.

I think you should divide the year into quarters. Each quarter has 91 week days and 13 weekends.

You can decide that you will not spend more than 3 weekends with your family, 3 weekends with his, 2 with friends, and minimum 5 as a nuclear family. They won't be at your house for more than 9 week days for example.

I know that this BBQ comes on the heels of a long weekend together, but maybe the extended family doesn't get together that often.

For Christmas/Easter/mother's day, you can rotate by year.

This year Christmas eve at his parents and Christmas day as a nuclear family, boxing day with your parents. And keep switching like that.

How often do you see your family op? And for how long on each occasion?

I think that’s the determining factor in how things are going with your dh.

That’s not a compromise for the OP, is it? She gets to spend all her time with her extended family. He gets no meaningful nuclear family time. in fact, no family time. The choice is see his wife and children alongside her extended family or be on his own.

It’s just a barbecue at her brother’s house. Not a wedding or something that you can reasonably call a ‘function’. It sounds very much that there’s an extended family event every single weekend. And that’s the OP’s priority. She says she prefers to spend time with her extended family.

Also why does it have to be doing an activity to make it worth spending time just the 4 of them? As if he has to compensate her for having to just spend time with him.

The message that he and the children aren’t enough comes across strongly.

Right?! They're in counseling. If this is an issue, the professional counselor has likely noticed it and is/will be addressing it.

Well you know the old MN saying:

"If a man disagrees with a woman on mumsnet, how much of a controlling, abusive bastard is he?"

😜

In all seriousness, solidarity is a fine thing but we need to make sure we hold ourselves to the same high standards we won't but so often don't get from men.

It is a compromise. i didn't say she goes to ALL her family events. I didn't suggest he didn't get what you call 'meaningful nuclear family time'. Of course they should still be having 'just nuclear family' time days. I said sometimes she goes without him if he's not feeling it.