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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/06/2023 13:46

AxolotlOnions · 10/06/2023 13:38

You should have made her walk back to return the money. I am very frugal and hate paying for parking but I'd never steal. Tell her if she goes back, returns the money plus a little extra as an apology then you might not call the police on her. Disgusting behaviour.

I think the police might be somewhat bemused to be brought in for this,to be fair.

wistfullyfocused · 10/06/2023 13:48

So she STOLE the tip? Shameful behaviour.

Id have made her take it back and shamed her for it.

EdinaCrump · 10/06/2023 13:50

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/06/2023 09:32

I'd have taken the 4 quid off her and flung it across the carpark! Let her scrabble for it.

But I'm an Aries (asshole)

This.

I’m a Libran (also an asshole)

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 13:51

She sounds obnoxious.

Does your DH admit the parking thing was ridiculous? Who was in the front seat with him?

In the future just remind him beforehand that he’s to drop you off first if he plans to let his mother decide where you’ll park.

You don’t need to be embarrassed by her loud ranting though, everyone who notices this behaviour is looking solely at her, they’ll only have sympathy for her companions.

Greenqueen40 · 10/06/2023 14:03

I can't get beyond the fact you let your mum walk all that way tbh

AlfietheSchnauzer · 10/06/2023 14:05

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 09:47

I’m guessing you and are DH have a shit marriage generally?
I am guessing you generally don’t like your mil and vice versa
i am guessing your dh and your mother don’t like each other

shudder

That's a lot of guessing

Wenfy · 10/06/2023 14:05

I don’t get your DH’s mindset here. My mum and mil notj behave like your mil a lot (Indian so it’s a given) but my DH and I just ignore and do what works for us. Your DH knew your DM was disabled so why did he go along with it without dropping the two of you off first & why did he let mil imply you were lazy for considering it?

AxolotlOnions · 10/06/2023 14:08

rookiemere · 10/06/2023 13:46

I think the police might be somewhat bemused to be brought in for this,to be fair.

Show quote history

Probably, she is still guilty of theft though. I assume she doesn't see it that way or she wouldn't have bragged about doing it. She's from the 'scare 'em straight' generation, she may be totally morally bankrupt but if she realises she could actually get into trouble, she might not behave so badly in the future.

DrManhattan · 10/06/2023 14:09

Horrible behaviour. The silly old cow. I would have left her

Erdinger · 10/06/2023 14:11

That’s appalling behaviour from your MIL. I also would have spoken up for my DM, walking through a field both ways to save a few pounds.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 10/06/2023 14:12

I'm not trying to be obtuse or offensive here but what are you going to do if you have children and some other child's mum comes up & accuses your child of doing something that you know they didn't do (or you know didn't happen quite like how is being implied) - ie, a situation where you need to stick up for your child? Are you just going to hand over your child to be screamed at?
Because believe me, if it's not the situation above, there WILL be many situations where you have to stick up for your child/children. This is pretty much guaranteed

kingtamponthefurred · 10/06/2023 14:13

If you ditched the spineless husband, you wouldn't have to deal with the mother-in-law any more.

jays · 10/06/2023 14:23

honestly, I don’t actually think I’d ever speak to her again, that’s just horrible!

BonnieBobbin · 10/06/2023 14:24

YABU because you know what she is like and you let her dominate and spoil the day. You should have insisted on parking in town. Your DH should have left the cafe with her first.
You can't change stingy people. If you're so embarrassed by it then you need to stand up to it. There's no bloody way I'd have let my DM walk down a country road because MIL didn't want to pay for parking.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 14:25

AlfietheSchnauzer · 10/06/2023 14:05

That's a lot of guessing

Show quote history

Have we read the same OP and follow up posts?!

ThePoshUns · 10/06/2023 14:29

Why didn't you speak up when your DH was looking to park and just say we need to park close to town because it's too far to walk. All this ' don't want to make a fuss' nonsense.
Stop being such a pushover

mayorofcasterbridge · 10/06/2023 14:30

She should have been marched back like a child to give it back and apologise for stealing it!!

Next time give her a garage-bought prepacked sarnie and a cup of tea, and say you're saving on eating out, on parking and on tipping!! Tell her that you would have liked to go back to the lovely cafe but you're too embarrassed to ever show your face again after the way she behaved the last time!

I can't understand why you let your poor mum do the walk a second time, bad enough the first time! You should have put your foot down. You could have said, "it's ok Mary I will pay for the parking, nobody's asking you to!"

And sort your bloody H out too! Apple didn't fall far from the tree there, did it?

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 10/06/2023 14:33

summary:

OP: person A behaved badly. person B enabled it.

MN: that’s awful what a nasty thing to do - no one should have enabled it

OP: all persons involved are lovely how dare you suggest otherwise

No need to thank me.🤦‍♀️

mayorofcasterbridge · 10/06/2023 14:33

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/06/2023 13:40

The OP should have advocated for her Mum, no excuses for that. My Mum can't walk far, she might have battled to do that 1k but then been in a state. OP should have asked for Mum and her to be dropped off at the closest point to the cafe and that would have been that.

As far as the tip is concerned, mother in law shouldn't have touched it but I can't imagine this was the first time she has been awkward around money and OP's husband should have clearly told his mother what would be happening that day and that she was being treated so no need to intervene on any of it.

That said, I'm baffled that both mothers were taken out together? Maybe it's a think but for me, never the twain shall meet. Perhaps it's different for others on here though? We do separate 'taking out' and we visit mothers separately too unless it's a family thing. Different strokes.

Show quote history

I don't get that either? Parents invited DH's to their house to meet before our wedding. After that I think the only times they met up was at our children's christenings!

InSpainTheRain · 10/06/2023 14:34

I would have hated that too OP and that would be it for eating out unless it was a Maccy D's drivethru! My MIL, whilst not that extreme can be the same and it's awful. Due to drama/pantomime that ensured about 5 years ago when we 8 of us went for a Sunday roast together I have not eaten out with her since. To cut the drama I paid the bill (SIL and BIL and family came up to see us with MIL, I didn't want to cook so we went out). Lots of loud "Oh! we wouldn't normally have a treat like this" "Are you sure you can afford it" "It must be that new job you've got". Never again. Last time they came I had some really urgent work and DH went out with them.

Titusgroan · 10/06/2023 14:37

EdinaCrump · 10/06/2023 13:50

This.

I’m a Libran (also an asshole)

Show quote history

I’m a Libran
We re supposed to be balanced.
So throw the money across the car park then run and retrieve it🤣🤣🤣
oo the indecision if a Libyan

EpicChaos · 10/06/2023 14:39

If the walk was too much for your mum, why didn't your husband go and fetch the car to her, instead of expecting her to walk all the way back to it? Surely he must have noticed she'd struggled with walking from the car to the cafe, you'd think he'd have had sense to save her the trouble.
Your mother in law sounds like she was showing your mum who was boss, maybe?
Anyhoo, don't take her anywhere in future.

NotmyRLname · 10/06/2023 14:40

Have it out with her! Tell her stingy is her main trait and if she carries on it will all be anyone remembers of her when she’s dead.

Titusgroan · 10/06/2023 14:43

mayorofcasterbridge · 10/06/2023 14:33

I don't get that either? Parents invited DH's to their house to meet before our wedding. After that I think the only times they met up was at our children's christenings!

Show quote history

My MIL used to look down on my mother and treat her like some sort of skivvy getting her to fetch and carry for her.
We nipped that in the bud immediately by them rarely being together.

OPs post is the sort of thing my MIL would do. Only she would ask to be dropped off and seated at restaurant and then expect us to park miles away and walk back for her.

She would not have paid or left a tip either. In fact she couldn’t even be bothered to be curtious and say please and Thankyou

Oops starting to rant now!

Fairyliz · 10/06/2023 14:45

Merryoldgoat · 10/06/2023 10:07

I told my husband on our first date that he should know I have no issues about ‘making a scene’ if I feel like someone is behaving like an arsehole.

If more people put themselves and loved ones above idiotic behaviour and being scared of being embarrassed things would be far better.

This is a difficult one. I’m someone else who is happy to make a scene if the situation warrants it. Unfortunately when I have done so the people I am with get all embarrassed and I’m made to feel at fault.

eg one friend in a group never bought a round. When I called her out on it she got all tearful and I was told not to make a fuss. Other friends would rather pay extra than say anything, it’s soo British.