To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

I think I would have drive back into the village. Paid for parking and then returned the tip which was effective stolen from the server.

I would have then turned to mil and told her that her stealing had to stop as it is no point in parking miles away to save on parking if we end up paying for parking to return the money she had stolen because she thought it was saving a few pounds.

If your MIL is so tight I would tell her that she needs to save her money on train fares and not visit so often

Your poor mum. I would have insisted on them dropping you there and getting out with her, no matter how much she protested. Why should the poor lady trample through a field?
MIL's behaviour is ridiculous FWIW.

McDonald’s drive through next time. Kills 2 birds with one stone as the car park is free and no tip needed

Embarrassing yes.

But more than that, I'd be ashamed at letting my mum walk that far. And if it happened without me realising, I'd make sure that we picked her up from the cafe afterwards (in the car). I understand she doesn't want to complain. It's on you.

I would have driven into town.
Park in the car park.
Paid the parking charge.
Taken the £4 and given it to the waitress.
All whilst MIL watched and without speaking.

She doesn’t get to chose the choices you make, you’re adults.

As others have said... be more assertive and in future just park where you want to - it was your DH driving not your MIL. There doesn't even need to be a discussion about it - not everything has to be decided by "committee"

I would have pointedly driven back and returned the tip, while at the same time pointing out it is basically theft.

In future, be more assertive and ignore the MIL's grumbles unless there is a genuine issue, of course.
There's no need to fall out over it or make a big thing of it, just calmly make it clear (by your actions) that you won't put up with that sort of behaviour.

Your husband is enabling her behaviour. I’d be embarrassed too, especially if it’s a cafe you’ll likely go to again.
The waitress gave a good service and she was rewarded with a tip.
Very embarrassing she caused such a fuss and took back the money!
Im honestly not sure I’d ever want to go out with her again somewhere like that.

Yeah I think you and your DH juts need to be more assertive. Especially when you have your Mum. So she says ‘oh I know where to park for free’. You say ‘no my Mum needs to park close to the cafe, we’re happy paying so she isn’t in pain.

I don’t know why your DH didn’t juts drop you and your Mum in town then go and park with MIL if she was that insistent and then they walk and get the car and come back for you?

Taking the tip is shockingly rude. I wouldn’t eat out with her again.

This!!

I have mobility issues. Never let this happen again.

As a disabled woman myself, the mil humiliated op’s mother by ignoring her disability and also humiliated the rest of the group by swiping the tip. I have family, who are like this and it’s far easier to say nothing when it’s the 2 of them together. I’ve done the walking thing myself and collapsed only to be looked down on. As someone upthread pointed out, unfortunately all this does is validates in their mind that they were right.

Oops quoted the wrong post.

I think you failed your mother here. Someone who does not like to make a fuss is exactly the sort of person who needs a loved one speaking up for them. I actually feel really sad for your mum struggling (twice) over the fields because no-one prioritised her needs.

First off if she wanted to park elsewhere and your house a and is too wet to disagree, I'd have insisted they drop you and your mother in the town.
Second I would have been absolutely appalled at the tip situation, would have told her off and probably insisted to drive back to the cafe to give it to the waitress/waiter.
I'd also have a stern word with your husband and say in future she is NOT to dictate where or what you do, and he needs to stand up to her.

I don't think I could be seen in public again with anyone like your MIL. Mortifying behaviour in the restaurant and just selfish all round. Your dh needs a stronger backbone though, it's ridiculous that he is allowing his mother to dictate and cause discomfort of other to save a few quid. Would it have been her paying for parking anyway? If not then SHE hasn't saved anything and it makes no sense for her to behave that way.

Match her behaviour when it comes to Christmas & birthdays etc. no cards, cheap secret Santa presents etc. of course it will be different as you are family but she deserves a taste of her own behaviour…

Why do you listen to her and then do as she says?? Put your foot down. My DH (75) has arthritis and no way would I have him bullied into a painful walk. And her ridiculous behaviour about money is affecting everyone else. Your DH needs to tell her about it whilst maintaining eye to eye contact. If he won’t do it, you’ll have to do it yourself. She should get away with this conduct.

You should have made her walk back to return the money. I am very frugal and hate paying for parking but I'd never steal. Tell her if she goes back, returns the money plus a little extra as an apology then you might not call the police on her. Disgusting behaviour.

She SHOULD NOt get away with lol 🤣

You need to stand up for your mum more, she shouldn't be made to walk through fields like that.

Next time she needs dropping off and picking up in the town center.

I wouldn't take your MIL to anything that is table service again.

I'd be nipping this behaviour in the bud!
Serious chat with DH.
Text to MIL stating that spending time with her is always lovely but the walk was way too far for your mum. And obviously that can't happen again for the sake of a measly sum.
And that you were embarrassed that she stole from the restaurant.

YANBU to few embarrassed and cross with MIL. It sounds like she turned what could have been a lovely afternoon out with your Mum into a right drama.

YABU to refuse to go out eat with her ever again because of it. If this is the only real issue you have with her and DH then refusing to eat out with her ever again is escalating the drama unreasonably. You know what she’s like and need to manage it/put up with it. Perhaps only go out if you’re happy to pay for all, and then handle any tips where she can’t interfere (add it to bill, or leave it at the till)

The OP should have advocated for her Mum, no excuses for that. My Mum can't walk far, she might have battled to do that 1k but then been in a state. OP should have asked for Mum and her to be dropped off at the closest point to the cafe and that would have been that.

As far as the tip is concerned, mother in law shouldn't have touched it but I can't imagine this was the first time she has been awkward around money and OP's husband should have clearly told his mother what would be happening that day and that she was being treated so no need to intervene on any of it.

That said, I'm baffled that both mothers were taken out together? Maybe it's a think but for me, never the twain shall meet. Perhaps it's different for others on here though? We do separate 'taking out' and we visit mothers separately too unless it's a family thing. Different strokes.

I have never heard of someone stealing a tip ! How rude

Drop & collect some people outside the cafe

The other people can park & walk

There needs to be a bit more communication going on here

Sorry, Mummyoflittledragon, didn't realise that you weren't posting to me.

I'm sorry that you've experienced people making a thing of your disability/associated tiredness, not having made provision for this and parked close/dropped you off with a companion to wait. Such a simple fix and I can't imagine why this isn't the norm.