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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
Nowwheresmykeys · 10/06/2023 14:46

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 10/06/2023 14:33

summary:

OP: person A behaved badly. person B enabled it.

MN: that’s awful what a nasty thing to do - no one should have enabled it

OP: all persons involved are lovely how dare you suggest otherwise

No need to thank me.🤦‍♀️

My thoughts exactly, posters have responded with empathy only to have the OP tirn round and start defending her awful MIL and dismissive husband.

I just can't believe the OP let her arthritoc mother walk an unecessary distance as she didn't want to 'make a fuss' with her own husband and MIL.

mikado1 · 10/06/2023 14:55

Changingplace · 10/06/2023 09:34

God that’s awful, and instead of traipsing back over fields I’d have remained at the cafe and told DH and MIL to drive back and pick you up, don’t go along with this nonsense another time.

Exactly, and same on the way there! 'We'll jump out here and get a table and wait!' Be ready for this behaviour next time.

My DDad is the opposite, we had horrific service once, including the waitress swiping the mash spoon up against her shirt to serve it (!!) and complained and were told the meal was free. My Dad went back in and paid!! He was mortified at (us) complaining and refused to take a free meal!

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 14:55

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 10/06/2023 14:33

summary:

OP: person A behaved badly. person B enabled it.

MN: that’s awful what a nasty thing to do - no one should have enabled it

OP: all persons involved are lovely how dare you suggest otherwise

No need to thank me.🤦‍♀️

And it gets better

the op says her marriage is very happy and she gets on well generally with the MIL

i shudder to think what she regards as an unhappy marriage and not getting on with your MIL

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 14:59

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 14:55

And it gets better

the op says her marriage is very happy and she gets on well generally with the MIL

i shudder to think what she regards as an unhappy marriage and not getting on with your MIL

Show quote history

If you actually think anything the MIL rises to the level of “nasty”, you are living a charmed life.

Begonne · 10/06/2023 15:07

I’m going to go against the grain here. People are weird - life is easier if you pay attention to what type of weirdness you’re dealing with and take evasive action, rather than feeling outraged that people don’t conform which just gets exhausting.

I would have asked dh to drive back past the cafe and pick you and your mother up. The walk to the cafe was your mil’s fault, but there was no need for the walk back.

The tipping thing - embarrassing but in the greater scheme of things I could get over it. Next time tip the server directly. It’s worth doing that anyway.

I’m probably biased here because if we applied MN standards, neither dh nor I could find a member of our family we shouldn’t fall out with. We’re also of an age where we would give a limb for the opportunity to be mortified one more time by parents who are bed bound or have passed on.

wistfullyfocused · 10/06/2023 15:13

mayorofcasterbridge · 10/06/2023 14:33

I don't get that either? Parents invited DH's to their house to meet before our wedding. After that I think the only times they met up was at our children's christenings!

Show quote history

We’ve just been on holiday with my DM and my FIL.

They all got on well, we have lots of family parties and both sides attend. My Dad and MIL and now dead, but Xmas with all 4 was great!

Twillow · 10/06/2023 15:13

I wouldn't refuse to go out with her again but Dh or you have to learn to stand up to her. Very unfair to make someone with arthritis do a country tramp. Say something like, when you are paying it's up to you what happens, when we pay we decide.

LaMaG · 10/06/2023 15:15

CalistoNoSolo · 10/06/2023 09:52

It sounds joyful all round. No wonder OP's mother doesn't visit very often.

Show quote history

These posts are nasty and unnecessary. OP is obviously upset with an awkward family situation and half the thread is blaming her or DH for MILs behaviour. Yes they need to have a chat and make sure this kind of thing doesn't repeat which is exactly why she is posting AIBU in the first place. I think people talk such BS here sometimes, its all I would have said this or insisted that, DH should have done X or Y. Ill bet most of you would have done F all. Sometimes things are extremely socially awkward especially with in laws and its only on reflection that people realise they were enabling a persons rude behaviour.

BusyMum47 · 10/06/2023 15:22

Testina · 10/06/2023 09:30

I’d have gone back to the café with the tip to make a point - did you? (I know you were 1km away, you could have driven back past it and dropped in)

Tbh I can’t believe you left your arthritic mum to do that walk without speaking up for her! Even if you wanted to indulge MIL’s nonsense, your mother could have been dropped off first. Why did you and your husband let her suffer, because you won’t say no to his?

I agree 100% with this! ⬆️

Why on earth would you let her make your poor arthritic mum walk so far? And I would have made a point about going back with the tip - was it yours & your mum's money?!

Sallyh87 · 10/06/2023 15:22

She basically stole £4 from a minimum wage employee. Sounds like someone whom I wouldn’t associate with.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:25

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 14:59

If you actually think anything the MIL rises to the level of “nasty”, you are living a charmed life.

Show quote history

Perhaps I am

or perhaps you standards for relationships is shit

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:26

And you have put “nasty” as though a quote

i never said that

I said on the basis of this… odd to say you have a happy marriage and get on with your mil

BadNomad · 10/06/2023 15:39

What I don't understand is why you made your mum walk back to the car knowing what a trek it was. Why didn't you or your DP go bring the car around instead?

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:41

BadNomad · 10/06/2023 15:39

What I don't understand is why you made your mum walk back to the car knowing what a trek it was. Why didn't you or your DP go bring the car around instead?

Join the club

OP won’t be back though

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 15:45

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:41

Join the club

OP won’t be back though

Show quote history

She explained it quite well once.

thinktwice36 · 10/06/2023 15:45

Testina · 10/06/2023 09:30

I’d have gone back to the café with the tip to make a point - did you? (I know you were 1km away, you could have driven back past it and dropped in)

Tbh I can’t believe you left your arthritic mum to do that walk without speaking up for her! Even if you wanted to indulge MIL’s nonsense, your mother could have been dropped off first. Why did you and your husband let her suffer, because you won’t say no to his?

This. You should have advocated for your mum and not let her walk that.

BadNomad · 10/06/2023 15:47

It's bizarre. I wonder if there is a bit of guilt about allowing her mother to be put through that which the OP is transferring on to MIL. Because I don't think I would allow a 70-year-old with arthritis to walk any kind of distance, knowing she was only doing it because she was a people pleaser. I would have insisted me and my mother be dropped off in the village then DH and his mam could go park wherever they wanted.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:49

AliceOlive · 10/06/2023 15:45

She explained it quite well once.

Show quote history

No what she did say was a spurious reason that really wasn’t a reason at all. Aside from demonstrating a thoughtless and uncaring dh and mil and a spineless op.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:50

“DH please drop mum and I and we’ll go ahead to the cafe”

job done

when you’re talking about a family that get on and love and support one another

Spiralout · 10/06/2023 15:52

YANBU
My MIL is similar. We always have an argument about paying, DH and I have good jobs and would like to treat our in laws - when we get to pay we say just sort the tip and she will never leave more than £3 even in a fancy place where the bill has been over £250. Then when she pays and we tip she will take it back if we have left notes and swap for a few coins. So annoying!

Nagado · 10/06/2023 15:56

I understand that you parked before you got to the village, so weren’t aware of how far the walk was, but I don’t really understand why you or your DH didn’t order another cup of tea for your DM and wait with her, while the other went back for the car so you could pick her up from the tea room.

Also, I don’t understand why you didn’t return to give the waitress her tip. This would have sent a very clear message to your MiL that she doesn’t get to penny pinch on your behalf.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:58

I understand that you parked before you got to the village, so weren’t aware of how far the walk was,

they live near to this village and have visited In the past

so baffling not to know how far the walk in

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/06/2023 15:59

I had a first date with a man who stole my tip. I'd left my scarf behind and wondered why he was insisting he'd fetch it. I got there first and found he'd already taken the tip.

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:59

Spiralout · 10/06/2023 15:52

YANBU
My MIL is similar. We always have an argument about paying, DH and I have good jobs and would like to treat our in laws - when we get to pay we say just sort the tip and she will never leave more than £3 even in a fancy place where the bill has been over £250. Then when she pays and we tip she will take it back if we have left notes and swap for a few coins. So annoying!

Odd then to suggest she sorts the tip! Why not… the drinks? The dessert?

lakesummer · 10/06/2023 16:07

I think people talk such BS here sometimes, its all I would have said this or insisted that, DH should have done X or Y. Ill bet most of you would have done F all.

Well I wouldn't have been chucking coins around, or having a go at MIL. But once I had walked the distance once and seen how far it was I would have asked DH to walk back at collect the car for my arthritic mother.
To be fair DH would offer to do this for anyone struggling to walk so it wouldn't be much of an issue.