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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

445 replies

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 09:27

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 10/06/2023 11:55

You pander way too much to an awful woman. Start upping your boundaries…. Your poor mother

JudgeRudy · 10/06/2023 11:55

Yuk. What a horrible woman. I'd be going low contact with her. Given your mum's mobility problems I'd have been inclined to stay at the cafe with your mum and send those two off to get the car and drive round to pick you up.

You addressed the tipping incident well at the table but I'd have been so shocked by the theft I don't know what I'd say. I mean it's theft. Not only is it theft but it also says my opinion is more important than yours and I'm getting my own way.
I feel sorry for your OH. Imagine the shame of having that as a mother, a bully and a thief! I'd definitely be going low contact.

AutumnCrow · 10/06/2023 11:57

You all sound as mad and drippy as each other. The martyr, the thief, the appeaser and the enabler.

Next time, call it live theatre and sell tickets.

BerriesPineCones · 10/06/2023 11:57

She sounds bloody awful.

Bananarepublic · 10/06/2023 11:58

Eddielizzard · 10/06/2023 10:45

Taking the tip is absolutely outrageous. I would not make plans with your MIL in the future which involve spending money.

I went out with a group of friends, I left a tip on the table for the waitress as one friend insisted we split the bill but not include a tip. I saw her take the tip when she thought I wasn't looking. Will never forget it.

I don't think I could continue to be friends with someone who did that. It would change the way I thought about them tbh. It's stealing really, isn't it?

DreamItDoIt · 10/06/2023 11:59

You should have told your DH to stop you off and then let him and his mother walk.

You should have told DH to drive back and gone in and given the server the tip.

Then you should tell your MIL that she's entitled to her opinion but you don't agree, and then proceed to ignore her and tell your DH he needs to deal with her from now on.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/06/2023 12:00

Amethyst13 · 10/06/2023 10:00

No, it wasn't clear. We hadn't reached the village yet before she insisted we pull off and park down a lane. We were told it was just a "short walk over that way" which turned out not to be the case.

Show quote history

I know she’s his mother but he should just ignore her when she’s like this. It wasn’t her car and she’s not driving so why on earth is she calling the shots! You need to have a word with your dh and tell him to stop being such a sop. He didn’t even need to defend or explain the decision to her to pay to park, he should have just done it.

red78hot · 10/06/2023 12:01

oakleaffy · 10/06/2023 11:20

In a rural location??
She’d be waiting forever, so bad are rural bus services.

But I get the point you are making.

Show quote history

Exactly my point, she was a thieving cf, actions have consequences.

WeekendInTheBoondocks · 10/06/2023 12:02

a. Why did you let your poor mother walk. You should have advocated for her?

b. Why didn’t you return the tip to the cafe on your car journey home?

c. How did you not go apoplectic at MiL for her utter disregard and disrespect of the woman working at the cafe who will be on a low wage and probably relies on her tips?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 10/06/2023 12:02

Mil can’t behave so don’t take her out.

underneaththeash · 10/06/2023 12:02

Either don't take her out to eat next time, or manage expectations better.
MIL we're going out for lunch, we are going to pay for parking and leave a tip though, so if you're going to complain don't come.

FrontEnd · 10/06/2023 12:03

Lots of posts suggesting tightfistedness might be connected to past poverty. My observation is that people who've been poor have greater empathy with things like tipping wait staff!

I think this type of behaviour is more about the "win/fun" of getting a better deal at the direct expense of others, and stems from a sense of wanting to assert superiority, plus general entitlement.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/06/2023 12:05

Don’t blame you OP, so bloody embarrassing! I’d refuse to go with her again - and tell her why!

Dh had a monumentally tight old aunt - she had plenty of money but loathed parting with any of it. I once had to listen to her trying to get the assistant in a small independent wool shop to knock 10p or similar, off a just over £12 bill. The poor assistant kept saying it wasn’t her shop, she couldn’t, but old Queen Midas, as I used to call her, wouldn’t let up for ages.

We did once think of inviting her on a holiday with us, plus adult dds and my mother, to Luxor in Egypt, but dh eventually said she’d be such a nightmare, screeching, *HOW MUCH??!!’ every time there was anything to pay, so we never did.

At her eventual funeral, dh in his little speech said it was just as well she never knew how much the funeral was costing, since it’d have been ‘*HOW MUCH!!??’ again. And everybody else, who knew her of old, cracked up.,

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/06/2023 12:07

And PS, I’d have stayed with my DM at the restaurant, and got my dh to walk back to the car and bring it.

willWillSmithsmith · 10/06/2023 12:07

AutumnCrow · 10/06/2023 11:57

You all sound as mad and drippy as each other. The martyr, the thief, the appeaser and the enabler.

Next time, call it live theatre and sell tickets.

For some reason mil has appointed herself Queen Bee and everyone else has bowed down to her. Why? 🤷‍♀️

Is there a reason why none of you want to put this woman in her place? Why has she been given all this power? Are you all intimidated by her?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/06/2023 12:09

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/06/2023 12:05

Don’t blame you OP, so bloody embarrassing! I’d refuse to go with her again - and tell her why!

Dh had a monumentally tight old aunt - she had plenty of money but loathed parting with any of it. I once had to listen to her trying to get the assistant in a small independent wool shop to knock 10p or similar, off a just over £12 bill. The poor assistant kept saying it wasn’t her shop, she couldn’t, but old Queen Midas, as I used to call her, wouldn’t let up for ages.

We did once think of inviting her on a holiday with us, plus adult dds and my mother, to Luxor in Egypt, but dh eventually said she’d be such a nightmare, screeching, *HOW MUCH??!!’ every time there was anything to pay, so we never did.

At her eventual funeral, dh in his little speech said it was just as well she never knew how much the funeral was costing, since it’d have been ‘*HOW MUCH!!??’ again. And everybody else, who knew her of old, cracked up.,

She sounds a tartar but, if she left your family anything in her will, I hope you had the grace to donate all of it to charity.

ThereIbledit · 10/06/2023 12:11

We can all with that we'd have said and done things differently in the moment, but now that you've had some time to reflect you will be able to think ahead about how to prevent this shit in the future and how you wish to deal with it if it comes up again.

Personally I think there's still time to have a go at my DH for not standing up for my mother, me, and the server at the restaurant. If he wants to be ruled by his mother that's up to him, but him facilitating her has had knock on effects for the waitress, you and your mum, and that's not okay.

I'd also consider it still fair game to tell your MIL how shocked and disappointed you are in her behaviour, and tell her the consequences - that your mum was in pain from walking across that field, and that she stole money from both you and the waitress, that you have reconsidered your opinion of her and that you are very disappointed to be married to the son of a selfish tightarse thief.

Nanny0gg · 10/06/2023 12:15

I would also be telling MiL how much discomfort my mum had been put through and how I wish I'd have gone and got the car

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/06/2023 12:19

HeadacheEarthquake · 10/06/2023 09:32

I'd have taken the 4 quid off her and flung it across the carpark! Let her scrabble for it.

But I'm an Aries (asshole)

Love this

Flossflower · 10/06/2023 12:20

As many others have said, it is stealing. Waiting staff are not paid very much. I have stopped leaving tips on tables as I know some don’t reach the right person. I discreetly put a tip into the hand after I have settled the bill.

rookiemere · 10/06/2023 12:20

In this case actions speak - and impact- more than words.

I'd simply refuse to go out for meals with MIL again unless she apologises for her behaviour.

Thepumpkinpatch123 · 10/06/2023 12:21

I wouldn’t have been able to keep quiet here. I’d have said ‘we’re using the car park it’s better for us all’.
then I’d have driven back to the cafe and handed them the tip and said ‘this is for you! The old girl’s losing her marbles a bit and picked it up by accident bless her!’ To make up for her being embarrassing earlier. And if DH gave me a hard time about it later I’d have just inwardly smirked knowing it was worth it. Most men shut up after they’ve said their piece.
then, I’d only take my own mum out in future to fancy places and subtly mention what a lovely time we had infront of MIL.
but then I’m a cow like like that.

Jesseweneedtocook · 10/06/2023 12:27

Honestly OP the mil sounds unbearable. I remember people like this when I worked in hospitality, they were always needy and picky and took issue with everything. I'd have been unable to stop myself having a go at her. Hospitality staff work so hard and its so difficult to please people especially when it's so hot and you're on your feet all day. Of course we never expect tips but for her to be so vocal over this would have really touched a nerve for me. I'd not be eating out with her again and I'd make sure she knew why.

planningnightmare · 10/06/2023 12:31

why didn't your DH pick up on your urgency to park in the village? surely he knows your suggestion wasn't for your own benefit?

And why didn't either you or your DH go and pick up the car on the way back to spare your mum the walk again?

forcing an elderly person, who struggles to walk, to walk a detour - to avoid bickering with MIL - is just not ok.

whynotwhatknot · 10/06/2023 12:33

your dh sounds l,ike a wimp sorry but i would have gone back and put the tip back down

its not even her money to take so shes a thief aswell

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