To be embarrassed by MIL behaviour at cafe?

[Amethyst13]

My mum came up to visit from down South last weekend, and we don't often see her as she doesn't drive and we wanted to take her out for lunch on Saturday. We went to a pretty local village that my mum likes to visit with my DH and MIL. There is plenty of parking in the village for a couple of pounds for the day, but my MIL was huffing and puffing about how she hates to pay to park and insisted she knew a better spot where we could park for free. I found this very irritating but my DH listened to her (he was driving) and we ended up parking about a km outside the village and had to tramp across a field and down a country road to get there.

My mum is in her 70s and has some mobility issues due to arthritis so I knew this wasn't ideal for her, but she didn't want to make a fuss and just went along with it. I was very annoyed with DH and MIL at this point for making such a big deal over saving two quid but my objections were brushed off.

After wandering the shops and galleries for a bit we stopped at a nice cafe for an afternoon tea and had very attentive table service from a lovely young lady.

My DH paid for the meal and when we were preparing to leave we left a few pounds on the table as a tip. My MIL was aghast at this and started flapping loudly about how she never tips at a cafe and that we were tipping too much, carrying on about it. I'm sure the server and other diners heard her. My mum was clearly very embarrassed by all this. DH is used to this tight behaviour from his mum so he just ignored her, but I shut it down and explained we had good service and I wanted to leave a tip.

We began our trudge back to the car and as we reached the car my MIL sidled up to my DH and proudly handed him back the £4 tip that she had actually swiped off the table! I couldn't bloody believe it. My mum was mortified, DH annoyed and I was seething. I'm still absolutely furious. Her stinginess is so annoying, it's like her main personality trait. She's proud of it and never misses an opportunity to moan about the price of something.

AIBU to absolutely refuse to go out to eat with MIL ever again?

Your MIL is an appalling woman, but I can’t believe you and your DH were such wet blankets over this. Why do you let her be so domineering?! If my MIL (or my own mum) behaved like that she would get a brisk “I don’t care whether you approve of paying for parking - we’re driving, we’re paying, and we can afford two quid, thanks” and subsequently a “Whether or not YOU tip in cafes is irrelevant, because this is our money and not yours.”

That’s hysterical! What did you say?

Can’t understand why your MIL was even coming to lunch? If you don’t see mum often it would have been nice just the two of you and mum, especially as MIL sounds a PITA. Why didn’t you just park where you intended too? £2 is nothing for the convenience. Surely you could have just said mum can’t wait too far. It would be a bloody long time till MIL would be taken out for lunch again after that debacle. Why on earth doesn’t DH stand up to his mum.

I feel very sorry for your mum. The walking across the field must have been very uncomfortable for her. Can you take her out somewhere else nice. Just the two of you so she can actually enjoy her visit.

Some people have mentioned that waiting staff shouldn’t be tipped. I fail to see what’s wrong with it. I provide a public service and can’t get tipped.
But I tip waitress/ waiters and barbers. Even though they may earn the same or as much as me! Not sure why, I just do.

Im sure tipping has died off a bit anyway with people paying electronically.

I prefer to tip them with cash even if I pay for the meal with a card , so I know it goes directly to them , rather than the company.

What conversation have you had with your DP since this happened to ensure it doesn't happen again?

All sounds horrible. You should have spoken up for your mum. Your MIL sounds so nasty and tight. Your DH sounds spineless!

YANBU.

I would definitely not be going out with someone like that. I go out to eat to enjoy myself and relax not to parent an adult or deal with a rude, moany, thief.

OP said she and her DH weren’t that familiar with the village, then said ‘No, it wasn't clear. We hadn't reached the village yet before she insisted we pull off and park down a lane. We were told it was just a "short walk over that way" which turned out not to be the case.’

You should have got DH to drop you and your mum off closer and let them both walk.

I wouldn’t go out with MIL again, I don’t think I could face the anxious wait as to what cringeworthy behaviour she would display next. I certainly wouldn’t be taking her to anywhere I frequent/like/enjoy because I’d never want to go back after a performance like that!

At least you now know what a batshit woman your MIL is. Refuse to go out with her again and if she asks why, explain her stinginess is embarrassing. I think it is time for a cold, hard truth.

Your poor mum too. She should be your priority, not batshit MIL.

In that situation:

1. I would definitely made DH get the car and come and pick us up
2. I would return to the cafe and give back the tip

They’d driven through the village so of course would have had an idea of how faraway parking was. This was a village. Not like they stretch out before you like a metropolis

I wouldn’t have “made” anyone do anything

If my DH was so callous as to do this to my mother and make me feel lazy… then I would have suggest my mum have a mooch or sit and watch the world go by, whilst I go and get the car. Dh and mil free to come with me or I will collect them at the same time

Aren't you lovely?

My mum insisted walking would be fine against my objections, and everyone waved my concerns away saying it wasn't a far walk.

My mum didn't really say anything about being in pain until that evening when we were home. She would have be mortified if I made a scene about her and made her out to be feeble, and I took her at her word when she insisted she was fine to walk. She isn't disabled, she has a dodgy hip but it's not like she's incapable of walking. Why would I infantalise her and tell her what she was and wasn't capable of doing?

My MIL and mum get along well and enjoy meeting up, I don't see what's so strange about that. MIL is obnoxious when it comes to money but she isn't a harpy, she's fine otherwise.

I didn't make a big production out of the tip situation and huff back to the cafe because my mum would have been horrified and uncomfortable and there had already been enough drama and social awkwardness for one day.

I had this with my ex mil years ago when I was young and pregnant. I was made to walk for ages when heavily pregnant to save a few quid on parking, I was actually Ill when we got home and I was unwell for days as a result . I’m older now, stronger and with a new dh. I should have shoved that £2 in her ugly face, and I often wish I could go back to my younger self and say “take the train babe, and don’t look back” . That old witch was nasty to me for years, and even when I separated from her toxic son she continued to be evil. My child is all grown up and we have nc with them both, but these little moments all add up to show you what a nasty person she is. Don’t take her out again, and tell her why.

She said that, on this particular day, they hadn’t driven through the village yet and her MiL directed them off down a random country lane that they weren’t familiar with, before they’d reached the village.

It seems quite clear to me, and perfectly reasonable that they might not be familiar with all of the lanes surrounding the village, but it’s far too hot to argue over something so trivial, so if you want to debate it, you’ll need to take it up with the OP because I’m off to the beach to cool down.

No, we hadn't driven through the village and MIL directed DH to turn off on a country road saying she knew a place to park for free. I said there were pay parking lots in the village but she insisted it wasn't a long walk and how she can't stand paying to park when you can park for free. DH is also of this mindset so was willing to go along. I said that I'd just pay for the parking, it's not a big deal, and MIL started flapping and my mum insisted it was fine and she could walk. I asked if she was sure and she said yes and waved me away.

Anyway my question wasn't about my mum walking, it was about the stolen tip.

Anyway my question wasn't about my mum walking, it was about the stolen tip.

OK then - how about considering that only a real arsehole steals a tip?

And that the martyr, the appeaser and the enabler let the thief do that?

This

Why did you take your mil anyway,, especially knowing what she is like.
I bet your mum wont want to go on any visits if she is included next time

Two things here for me. Firstly why does the MIL even have to be with you?

Your DM was there to see you, why is the MIL there too? Everybody knows she's a PITA but for some reason she was invited!

Secondly, your DH was driving the car so why is the MIL telling him where to park?

The person driving a car is in charge of the car and makes the decisions. Sounds like he needs to put her in her place or is he scared?

@Amethyst13 " Why would I infantalise her and tell her what she was and wasn't capable of doing? "

Why wouldn't you/your DH just apply basic good manners to collect your mum from the cafe? Whether she waved away concerns isn't the point, a gentleman would have felt responsible for the 3 ladies in his company and gone for the car on his own, to save you all the walk.

" and everyone waved my concerns away saying it wasn't a far walk. "

How would your mum and DH know if they'd never parked there before? Your MIL did though, didn't she, so she deliberately put your mum in that position.

" she has a dodgy hip but it's not like she's incapable of walking. "

There is a huge difference between walking on flat, even paving and walking over a field that could well be uneven, possibly even slippy, if grass is damp, it would have been all too easy for that " dodgy " hip to become a broken one!

I think some people would like you to have screamed and jerked the steering wheel out of his hand, while telling your mother to shut up and smacking your MIL.

Oh I would have no issue making DH get the car, if he was the one following MIL’s wishes then making ME feel lazy - then again my DH would most likely suggest it in this situation and volunteer to get the car after seeing how long the walk was.