Our children owe us nothing

xXiXx · 09/06/2023 18:58

My kids are 17 and 20 and while I agree with you I would like to see my entitled son contribute as I think he's too used to everything being provided, nothing is reciprocal, so I may well ask him for money if he ever works. For his sake as much as my own.

I don't think my DC owe me a relationship but I would probably feel robbed of a relationship with them if they cut me off. But then, I feel I owe it to them to listen to them, see them as individuals, have curiosity about who they are. My parents have been v generous to me financially but they treat me like the receptacle for the emotions they cannot acknowledge in themselves, so now I don't try to have a relationship with them. They feel let down by me. I feel let down by them. Lots of hurt on both sides. People are people and they want a relationship with their parents/their children. Being owed it per se is neither here nor there, it still hurts when you don't have it.

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2023 19:00

Oh op it’s so more complex than that. And you know it. You’re just cross at your MiL and you can’t imagine your ds being anything other than a delightful child.

but I guarantee there’s more to this than that.

HawdMeBack · 09/06/2023 19:02

I don't entirely agree but I think it depends on the relationship you have with your parents.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 09/06/2023 19:05

Do we have the same mil? Mine seems to think the Same of my DH, yet not of his sister.
Expects him to sort her bills, go round do the gardening once a week, cook her meals most days, the list goes on. Bloody ridiculous.
I'd never expect my kids to pay me back, neither do my own parents and they paid a fortune on me as a kid.

BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 09/06/2023 19:08

I don’t think any of my children owe me anything, my own mother does this ‘well I did this for you…’ thing and it irritates the crap out of me. If I’d known whatever it was came with strings attached I wouldn’t have accepted in the first place.

Having said that, when my kids get jobs etc if they are still at home they will have to contribute (not much just a gesture) to teach them about responsibility and that things cost money. Id like to be able to put it away for them and give it back when they move out. Which given the current housing situation will be in about thirty years 😋

GoodChat · 09/06/2023 19:10

I don't feel like my children owe me anything but I feel like I owe my dad everything so maybe they'll feel that way when they're older, too. I don't know.

Flopsythebunny · 09/06/2023 19:10

Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa · 09/06/2023 18:50

Who agrees with this?

I truly believe my Dd (5) owes us nothing when she grows up. I hope hope hope she’ll want to visit regularly and spend time with us, because she wants to, and that is all.
Dh’s mum is always complaining, she’s on her own after fil passed some years ago, but she’s never worked, never learnt to drive. She complains that no one comes to do her garden, to take her food shopping, to pay her bills and help her sort them out etc. I remember when Dh was young and first starting working in his first job and they took a huge amount of board from him-a lot. His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)
I really feel like I brought my Dd into this world, everything I do for her is because she’s my daughter and I love her, she doesn’t owe me anything
Anyone agree?

Your mil comes from an era when this is what families did.
Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make her wrong

WhatNoRaisins · 09/06/2023 19:11

I think it's a good way to think when planning for your own future, you don't know how far away your children will be living for one thing. You can't assume anything in terms of this.

crazycadetmum · 09/06/2023 19:13

My granny said..yoir children don't ask to be born..you chose to have thrm..its your responsibility to look after them..they owe you nothing..I agree with this..

DisquietintheRanks · 09/06/2023 19:13

I don't agree with this at all but I'm not English and in my culture family love and loyalty is very important. There are implicit expectations of mutual support.

Newnamenewname109870 · 09/06/2023 19:14

But it’s not about them owing you, it’s about being a decent human being.

theskyispurple · 09/06/2023 19:16

I think you'll like Kahil Gibran on Children -
......
"Speak to us of children"
Your children are not your children
They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself
They come through you but not from you
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts
You may house their bodies but not their souls
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams
You may strive to be like them
But seek not to make them like you
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday
You are the bows from which your children
As living arrows are sent forth
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite
And he bends you with his might
That his arrows may go swift and far
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness
For even as he loves the arrow that flies
So he loves also the bow that is stable

Polari · 09/06/2023 19:17

Flopsythebunny · 09/06/2023 19:10

Your mil comes from an era when this is what families did.
Just because you don't agree with it doesn't make her wrong

Show quote history

Really?
Dh and I are 65, we drive, pay our bills and actually help dc financially if we can. I worked at least pt after having dc. My dc have never done anything for us

I would say that Op's mil is in the minority now.

mainsfed · 09/06/2023 19:17

YABU to think you'll know how you will feel in decades to come.

People change.

Hummusanddipdip · 09/06/2023 19:19

I know that I owe my parents nothing, logically and they brought me up to know that and to be self sufficient and independent, however those lessons have also taught me, that everything I am, I owe to them.

It's complex and complicated, I think the relationship you have with your family and how you are brough up influences who you are as an adult and like with mine, all of that positive is down to them.

Ds owes me nothing, but I'd live to be as close to him as an adult as I am my parents and dh is his.

AfricanGrey · 09/06/2023 19:19

crazycadetmum · 09/06/2023 19:13

My granny said..yoir children don't ask to be born..you chose to have thrm..its your responsibility to look after them..they owe you nothing..I agree with this..

I completely agree.

Hbh17 · 09/06/2023 19:20

Parents have a responsibility to look after their kids when they are children. Once everyone is an adult, nobody owes anything to anybody else. We should all be living as independent individuals, and I hate the idea that there has to be some sort of "payback". Families are overrated, imo.

Lemieux3 · 09/06/2023 19:20

YANBU - I 100% agree.

Part of being a decent parent is accepting that your kids owe you nothing. They did not ask to be born!

Hardbackwriter · 09/06/2023 19:20

When I think about how I'll be as a parent of adult children, perhaps as a grandparent, I imagine that I'll avoid all the mistakes previous generations of my own family have made, that I'll be selfless, generous and thoughtful throughout. Then I remember the parent I thought I'd be before I had children, compare that to reality, and it humbles me a little bit...

I think (and this is just a thought - I'm too young to know!) it's easy when you're young to think you'll basically be better at being old than most old people are, but that that might be because you think you'll have your current energy and fitness, with all the added time of being a retiree. I think some people get that, but not many.

TheDestinationUnknown · 09/06/2023 19:20

My dc didn't choose to be born, nor did they choose dh and I as parents. We chose to bring them into this world, that was our decision and it's on us. They owe us nothing afaic.

We have a responsibility to give them the best childhood that we can. We should ensure they have love and support, ensure that they have basic needs met (enough food, clean clothes etc), ensure that they get an education (take them to school every day, support with education etc), ensure that they are equipped with the skills to function as adults (can cook, wash their clothes, manage finances etc) and to do our best try to teach them how to be decent members of society. In my opinion this is what we owe them for our decision to bring them into this world.

Not letting them treat us like shit is part of teaching them life skills and also teaching them how to be good people. But once they are adults, they don't owe us a relationship or any kind of help. Obviously I'm hoping that, if we have done a good job of our responsibilities to them, they will want a relationship with us and want to be helpful and kind. But if not then so be it.

5128gap · 09/06/2023 19:21

No, they owe us nothing. However if that translated into choosing to give nothing to our adult relationship, I'd consider it a bit of a personal failure. I'd be disappointed if I raised children so selfish they never bothered with me at all in my old age, and even more disappointed if they didn't like me enough to do it willingly.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/06/2023 19:22

Part of being a family is that you love each other and you help each other out and hold each other up because you love each other. “Owe” is a very transactional concept, but if you parents raised you right and set you on the path to become the successful adult you are, that’s worthy of some gratitude and some effort to do right by them in turn.

It seems a little sad that your MIL has two adult children, needs help with really quite ordinary things common to al or of older people, and neither of them want to bother. I don’t think that your DH and his brother pay/paid some board to their parents is especially relevant: they were/are working adults, not prisoners, if they didn’t/don’t like the terms of the living arrangement they were/are free to find somewhere which suits their pockets better.

Freeballing · 09/06/2023 19:23

Mmm, you are making it sound black and white. Sure they don't owe you anything but I think if you raised them with love and care sometimes it's OK to be disappointed that they can't be arsed to show love and care to you.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/06/2023 19:24

I wouldn’t say owe is the right word, but we’ve come so far from when families would
help each other out because they’re family and I wish it would go back to that. Eg, the family would go help my grandad with lambing every year. Saying this as someone who lives abroad and has zero family and zero help, I see families around us visiting, supporting and helping each other. Much nicer than every person for themself.

LakeTiticaca · 09/06/2023 19:26

I get where you are coming from OP. I was born early sixties to parents who were WW2 children. I was reminded, usually on a daily basis, how grateful I must be for every crumb that was thrown my way, the cost of everything, what they have sacrificed for us children etc.
I kind of get where they were coming from ( Well it was mainly from my dad), as he grew up
in the kind of poverty that is unimaginable today. They truly had nothing and no welfare state either.
However, having to hear it virtually every day for my entire childhood did get rather draining as the years went on.
I have never expected my children to fall to their knees in gratitude for the food/clothing/toys etc but I always encouraged them to be careful with money and plan well for their futures, which they have done