Our children owe us nothing

[Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa]

Who agrees with this?

I truly believe my Dd (5) owes us nothing when she grows up. I hope hope hope she’ll want to visit regularly and spend time with us, because she wants to, and that is all.
Dh’s mum is always complaining, she’s on her own after fil passed some years ago, but she’s never worked, never learnt to drive. She complains that no one comes to do her garden, to take her food shopping, to pay her bills and help her sort them out etc. I remember when Dh was young and first starting working in his first job and they took a huge amount of board from him-a lot. His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)
I really feel like I brought my Dd into this world, everything I do for her is because she’s my daughter and I love her, she doesn’t owe me anything
Anyone agree?

You’re completely right.

My mum has this approach - her and my dad have gave us everything we could want and even though she doesn’t expect it to be reciprocated I’d do anything for them. I hope my kids feel the same about me when they’re older.

I have always held the belief that my children owe me nothing. I brought them, I owe them everything.

Unfortunately this has led to me rearing two very selfish, entitled, adult Sons..

I love them dearly, they are funny, intelligent, gregarious..

If I'm fortunate enough to live to a ripe old age, I just hope they are there to hold my hand when I shuffle off this mortal coil.

That's all I ask of them, just hold my hand.

I agree but it's not as depressing as it sounds -, sometimes the less you push people, the more you get back!

My philosophy so far is to remember that strong relationships are born of getting through difficult things together as a team, on the same side. Growing (up) as a parent/child pair, and as a family,I think it's one of the hardest team tasks in the world, so if that doesn't end up with an unshakable relationship, maybe we all didn't feel like we were on the same team all the time!

Fingers crossed I won't eat my words...

If you have money in later life and don't need any help from DCs great. We don't and we have a great relationship. If we needed help or financial support it would be difficult. I would hate having to depend on DCs, but I think ours would help.

I don't think they owe me for being born or anything. I do think they "owe" me the normal respect I'd expect from anyone staying in the house, and to contribute to the house being a pleasant environment for everyone in the family.

I think this is a key point. In a loving family, people will want to support each other as much as they can.

If you're supporting your family solely out of a sense of duty that you ought to, and not because you actually want to, it rather suggests that yours is not a loving family.

I agree 100%

I’m from a British background and family love and loyalty are my number one priority.

And yes I do owe my mom. Everything. I can’t speak for my kids but I hope they feel the same.

Do you believe because she never worked or learned to drive a car or know how to pay bills she doesn't deserve a visit from her son and grandchildren.

Why don't you ask her to come to you for the day and let the kids make a fuss of her.

What era is that @Flopsythebunny? Don't know any of the two generations above me that expected that. Not from this (white, UK) culture.
My parents were born in the 1920s. Neither of my parents did any 'looking after' their parents. For one thing they lived in a different country, but it certainly wasn't expected.
Your mil is an extreme. I don't think my kids 'owe' me anything, but I certainly hope I have a good relationship with them and am involved in their and their children's lives. I can't imagine not being so. But I can take care of myself, and my mother could take care of herself.

Wrong thread @Hotsummerlatenightstrolls

I completely agree. And would think far less of anyone who would let their busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own, make indefinite sacrifices for them at the end of theirs. My colleague felt obliged to take in her elderly DM. She's now on antidepressants with no end in sight and is tied indefinitely missing out on so much. Dreadful parenting.
That's what we save for all our lives. To buy in help and care and leave our DC free of the burden.
So glad we spent thousands on childcare. Beholden to no one.

This 100% .I really hope that my children have been brought up well enough to be decent adults who appreciate us as their parents. I hope that when we are elderly they will love and care for us enough to not resent helping occasionally,only if necessary.
Remember that many elderly people struggle with losing their complete independence and it really batters their pride having to ask for help!

I have adult DC. They don't "owe" me a thing. But yes they do nice things for me because they know how much I loved and cared for them, and obviously still do.

They may be adults but there are still times when they look to me for advice or emotional support and they know they will get that from me.

As they've become adults there is mutual respect and care for one another that has nothing to do with anything being owed. We are just all there for each other as any loving family would be.

We’re meant to live in tribes where everyone helps each other…reciprocal altruism. I think that the more we move away from our natural way of living, the more unhealthy we become. If you look at the blue zones (where he average life expectancy is unusually high) there’s always a high level of social support. Being alone is very stressful.

That said, I do not expect my DC to care for me when I’m older. However, they will know that if I have to go into a home, they will lose a lot of money. I would imagine that only those well-off financially or those with parents who don’t own their own home can afford to take the approach that most people here advocate.

My mum wasn’t always mum of the year, but I do make an effort now she is older. But then she is grateful and decent and also helps me out as much as she can. I know I am modelling this for my adult daughters - they know granny’s flaws but are kind and will make time for her.

What goes around comes around - I hope my girls will always have time for me out of kindness and love, not duty, and in turn I appreciate and try to help them where I can. Family matters, but only if there is mutual kindness- it should never be one way.

She’s a classic example of why people shouldn’t have children so they’ll ‘have someone to look after them when they get old.’ It’s selfish and it’s a dangerous assumption. Her children don’t owe her gardening services or a requirement to pay her bills.

I have mixed views to be honest.

I do not believe in any way shape or form that my children 'owe' me anything at all, we are doing the best we can for them in these formative years in the hope that it prepares them for adult life in which we will still support them of course and take joy in seeing them, but should they wish to move away, build a life elsewhere and keep busy with stuff that makes them happy then that's brilliant too- they'll be adults in their own right and not beholden to us.

However, for myself I love being in a position to help my mum. She gave up a lot for us growing up and did an amazing job despite the hard times and the numerous challenges, she never expects anything from me but I personally enjoy doing so.

That is exactly what I think. I helped my parents out when they got old because I love them, but they didn't expect me to do things for them and wanted me to live my own life without being at their constant beck and call.

Children owe you nothing but as family I expect a certain amount of love, consideration and contact when they are adults. I also expect them to pay their way if living in the family home.

I have adult children and we get on well. I don't try to interfer in their lives but will offer my thoughts, but dont assume they will act on it in the way I feel is right. I support them and they support me and our relationship is constantly evolving as all our needs change. I wouldn't expect them not to move to Australia because I need them here when I get older, for example, but I would expect regular context once they had moved in the form of calls, messages etc.

Mainly it comes down to respecting eachother and the changing needs.

The owe us nothing but I visit m parents both 81_regularly and phone them regularly because not only,do I love them but I feel a responsibility now they are older as does my sister who also checks in with them regularly
I think th a s normal?if you have a living relationship with your parents. !
My sister told m dad at couldn't cope with being a carer for either of them which is fair enough but I could I was a nurse and worked un dementia care for man years so I know hard it is

Tough one, completely agree with you however as someone whose parents have given them everything I am in turn very family orientated and lucky enough my fiancées family are the same so we do spend all our time looking after each other but it's because we want to and when we can't they happily sort themselves out without complaint so I suppose that's the different. If I was told I was obliged I'd probably feel differently about it.

I guess I think while they don’t owe you something exactly that family is important and you’d hope you bring your kids up to be the kind of person who values their close relations and wants to look after their siblings/parents/partners/adult kids). It depends to some extent what your overall family dynamics are though and in the end relationships tend to be reciprocal. If your MIL never meets you half way I can totally see why you’ll only be willing to help a limited amount

Nobody owes anything to their parents but love and bonding shouldn't stop when you find a partner and if your a successful parent it's not odd that your adult children should want to help you.....but many DILs particularly seem to resent this ...as the saying goes you have.a son until he finds a wife your daughter for life. Is it jealousy that breaks that bond few seem to think their mothers are an issue?

I agree with you. My (now adult) children owe me nothing.

I do feel I owe my parents though.