Our children owe us nothing

[Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa]

Who agrees with this?

I truly believe my Dd (5) owes us nothing when she grows up. I hope hope hope she’ll want to visit regularly and spend time with us, because she wants to, and that is all.
Dh’s mum is always complaining, she’s on her own after fil passed some years ago, but she’s never worked, never learnt to drive. She complains that no one comes to do her garden, to take her food shopping, to pay her bills and help her sort them out etc. I remember when Dh was young and first starting working in his first job and they took a huge amount of board from him-a lot. His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)
I really feel like I brought my Dd into this world, everything I do for her is because she’s my daughter and I love her, she doesn’t owe me anything
Anyone agree?

And part of being an adult is accepting that your parents no longer owe you anything.

@saraclara I’d be devastated! But it still doesn’t mean I believe she owes me anything

Agree with you…its mine and my Husband’s responsibility to prepare for the future and I would never ask my children to change their lives for us at all. If (for example) we were to become ill when we are older, I wouldn’t want to burden them with having to care for us (we would obviously still love to see them all the time - when it fits around their family life/job etc). But I dont like the thought they would ever feel they had to look after us. We try and make the most of every second of them as kids as I want them to live their own lives when they are adults and not feel burdened by us in anyway.

I agree OP, my daughter owes me nothing. I chose to bring her into the world and thereby assumed all the responsibility of raising her. She is free of any ‘debt’ to me. I’m just stoked I have brought a great person into being. She and her own child make me smile every day :) the world is better with them in it.

Yep....it's done from love and should be both ways

I’m not saying I don’t help my parents are all 🤷🏻‍♀️Of course I would if they need anything, I will always be there for them.
I still stand by saying my Dd doesn’t owe me anything.

Dh does do so many things for mil, he does it, but I still find the way she expects all these things personally quite strange. She’s late 60’s, my parents are the same age and not like this at all.
She lived a life of her husband working and then driving her each week to get the weekly shop etc, him doing the garden and so on. She cooked meals and cleaned sometimes. I remember for years I only ever saw her sat in her chair smoking and watching soaps, then getting the tea ready.
Now she becomes very cross if people don’t have the time to do her garden, take her shopping, take her out, bail her out with bills…I don’t want to do this to my Dd

My boys owe me nothing, just like I owe my parents nothing.

Like me, they never asked to be born, so nope, me and them are debt free.

*At all

I disagree, although it’s not a popular view in Western cultures. I think we have a responsibility to cherish our elderly relatives and the way some of them are treated in the UK is a disgrace. Of course you owe them visiting, calling, etc. when they’re in a home in their 90s if they’ve been decent parents. We live in such a a selfish society and we like to pretend the elderly don’t exist.

She sounds horrible and useless tbh

In my life time my parents and I have been through so much. Losing my sibling, their marital break up, their patching up of their relationship, me dropping out of uni and them funding me for an extra 2years so I could do another course, my relationship break ups, their ill health, their emotional and practical support with my children and an enormous amount of laughter and companionship. I love my parents and it isn’t about owing them anything but I think it would be odd if I wasn’t there for them when they needed me.

It sounds a bit like how many of the current generation are bringing up their children....driving them everywhere, not expecting any chores, giving everything asked for, paying for adult children ...yet so many think that's perfectly acceptable and what you do for your children.
Women of her generation were often brought up to expect to be stay at home wives not drive etc....and there are plenty of men who still think similarly if you read many threads on here....
Is it possible that years of being treated like a traditional wife left her incapable of many things or with depression? Do you know much about her history as a young mum...I know many hid everything in those days? It's taken 40 years for me to find out how things were for my mum and what was hidden from me and she's been dead more than 20.

I see this with my grandmother - she was used to him paying all the bills, handling all the finances, all the practical stuff around the house and when my grandpa died she was completely helpless, so frustratingly useless and absolutely refused to do any of it. We tried to help, it was so frustrating, then COVID hit and she was on her own and started becoming more independent as she had no choice and she's fine now. Took a pandemic for her to figure stuff out!

Yes but why are the younger generations progressively getting more selfish we even see it more often in parents with young children?

This is how I feel, I have one pre-school aged child and unlikely to have more. I want them to be able to spread their wings and even relocate countries if they want to without feeling the pressure to stay for us even if either of us are widowed. I will try to plan for my future and make sure I have a good support network outside of my child. If it turns out they still want to have a close supportive relationship even in adulthood that will be an added extra.

Having said that I am the main support network for my own Mother, who is in her 70s, and happy to. (Even if it is limiting my ability to move away as she moved to be closer to us after I had a baby) I do enjoy her company though and she was a loving and supportive mother when I was growing up.

I think PP who point out its probably more complicated than that when it comes to the crunch are probably correct though. Failing health, disability and the vulnerability of being widowed are probably extremely difficult and your nature to reach out for family support for comfort may be quite strong. Xx

Was it your grandmother's fault she was born in a time where you went from your parents control to your husband's breaking out was not so easy then ....assuming she's late 60s or older. How old were her parents ....if they were older parents they would have been born in the 1920s or before ....(I'm assuming your 20s, parents late 50s gran 80 so obviously I may be way off but just going on your description of her).

I totally agree- my children own me nothing -but i would like if they turned out to be the sort of people who’d like to help me when i’m old- not for my benefit, but because it would mean they are good people - if that makes sense.

this is how my DH is with his parents. They expext nothing from him but are grateful that he wants to help out and they both enjoy each other’s company. He’s happy to help even if it puts him out..

my parents are the opposite. They expect i behave in certain ways. I feel like everything they ever did for me had strings attached- although i did not realise at the time. I think my parents had a family to create a social structure around them - and it was decided in advance that we would all be close and help each other out - but they have personality disorders etc and issues with alcohol. I did not have a very happy childhood but we are pressured to remember it was the best childhood ever. They feel they are owed for everything- then i get to feelmlike a bad person because i can’t stand them and resent doing anything for them

Definitely agree that our children don't owe us anything when they've flown the nest.

I mean, mine are only 5, so a long way to go, hopefully.

I do have expectations whilst they live with me, such as contributing at an age appropriate, but I hope to God I don't ever try to cling to them/suffocate them like my Mother did to my sister and me.

Hope things pan out okay and they stay in touch when they're adults and come to see me occasionally, but I don't want them to ever obligated.

I do want them to know that they always have a place with me/I'll always try to be there for them if things ever go tits up for either, but my job is to try and raise them to the best of my ability and not stand in their way when the time comes for greater independence.

I agree, but I also think the relationship has gone badly wrong if children feel this way about their parents after they're grown up.

I can't stand parents who think they're owed something. You're supposed to look after your kids. It's not an act of great nobility and it's not a transaction.

I think its easy to say this when your kid is 5.

You'll only know for sure when you are elderly and your kid disowned you, how you really feel.

Kind of sounds like you have an issue with your MIL and don't like your husband making time for her 🤔

I actually agree completely. I was rhe care giver to both my parents. They both made horrible choices that ruined there health. My daughter was very young and neither cared what it did to my health or how much my daughter missed out on things because I was either dealing with their needs or to exhausted to even sleep. Over my dead body would I expect my child to come clean my yard or God forbid take care of me.

I tend to agree with you OP but I also think if I have built the right relationship with them they will want to reinvest that time and effort back to me when they are older. I was only talking to dh about this today - children are really only on loan to the parents while they are young. Then they grow up into their own person with their own qualities & characteristics and you just hope they want to include you in their lives. Mine are all grown up and left home (30, 27 & 25) scattered around the world and while I'd love them closer, they do visit and contact us very regularly and they are living their lives as they want to just like I did when I left my parents & home.

I think if your parents showed you love and care, most people want to help when they need care.
There is absolutely no obligation if their parenting was far from ideal - although if you're a pretty crap parent you probably think you are entitled...

I was having this conversation today. A friends adult DS (on the autistic spectrum) has left home, and sees no need in contacting her unless he needs something (she and her DH are very happy to help him when he asks) or they bump in to each other by chance. There can be long periods when she doesn't know if he's dead or alive as the DS doesn't always respond to peoples messages. She was asking me if she was reasonable to wish he would let her know that she's alive and well or if she's over thinking it. I think he should- she said he doesn't owe her anything, and she'd never ask him to keep in contact because it would be pointless, but admitted it would save her a lot of worry at times. She's a lovely mum and I think he does owe her peace of mind.