Our children owe us nothing

[Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa]

Who agrees with this?

I truly believe my Dd (5) owes us nothing when she grows up. I hope hope hope she’ll want to visit regularly and spend time with us, because she wants to, and that is all.
Dh’s mum is always complaining, she’s on her own after fil passed some years ago, but she’s never worked, never learnt to drive. She complains that no one comes to do her garden, to take her food shopping, to pay her bills and help her sort them out etc. I remember when Dh was young and first starting working in his first job and they took a huge amount of board from him-a lot. His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)
I really feel like I brought my Dd into this world, everything I do for her is because she’s my daughter and I love her, she doesn’t owe me anything
Anyone agree?

My parents have done so much for me that if they ever need anything I will be there in a heartbeat. They are both very independent, self sufficient people though so a totally different kettle of fish to your mil. It's not that black and white

I chose to have a child. So I'll support her in any way I can.

However, I do expect a little commitment to turning up on important days. When she has a full-time job I will expect her to contribute to the household income too.

I wouldn't expect her to look after me in old age. But I'd like her input into what nursing home I inevitably end up in . I don't want her to feel tied down by me. I gave her life, she needs to live it.

My lovely Dad said exactly this to me when I left home “we brought you here, we owe you everything; you didn’t have a choice, you owe us nothing”

I’ve told my children the same. I really believe it’s true

No they don’t, there’s no natural anything. My brother helps/spends time with our (nasty) mother (his wife helps him too, out of duty). They are saints. I far prefer to be with and help my husband’s (lovely) mother.

Hmm, seems I disagree with most posters here.

My mum gave us everything and always held the view that we owed her nothing and made sure we were well aware of this. Unfortunately this has meant that my younger siblings don’t bother for her birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day - often not even a text. It hurts her deeply although she would never say this to them. I think it’s wrong and shitty behaviour from them and I would be devastated if my DC treated me in the same way as adults.

So yes, if I give my DC the best childhood I possibly can and support them as they grow up then I will consider that I am owed a reciprocal relationship of love and respect as adults.

I totally agree with you.

I've made it very clear to my kids that they owe me absolutely nothing. I don't expect them to look after me or run around for me when I'm old or sick or sad or lonely. I am not their responsibility.

They didn't ask to be born. It was my choice to create them because I wanted to have them. Their lives are theirs alone, to do with as they wish. I don't expect anything from them.

We have a great relationship and I've always told them that raising them was my honour.

…. By which, I mean the love and help and support which exchange quite naturally come from a place of wanting to give it, not from feeling obliged

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks if DH had a brother we’d definitely have the same MiL.
DH does everything and his sister does absolutely nothing. MiL actually said to me once that it’s her “turn” now. I don’t even know what that means. She calls several
times a day every day, has long lists of chores for DH, he does her shopping (which we somehow have to pay for despite being her absolutely loaded). She recently bought sil a house. Yes, a HOUSE outright. Literally anything is too much effort for sil.

I don't quite get this really . Surely you do things for your family , because they are your family ? Unless there's history of abuse it's what most people do . People I know anyway .

It works up and down the generations too - my parents have recently passed away, but when they needed extra support at home I took them to appointments, helped with housework etc . Likewise I'll give my son a hand eg give him a lift if he needs it (he's 20s, lives with GF).

My Ds, Dil and dgc visit Dh and me regularly. They have free reign of our house , sleep over sometimes, always lots of meals , showers , the whole works . We have helped them financially also . We babysit Dgc when they both work on the weekends . We are in our early 60s, still work full time. We’ve expected nothing from my son . But if and when we are older and maybe need a bit of help with whatever, and I don’t mean financially, i certainly hope he would have a compassionate and caring attitude for his parents . I don’t see it as payback . It’s caring for loved ones in however you can .

This! I’m 68, live alone and manage my own life!! Unless your MIL is in her late 80s this is rubbish, my generation were brought up to look after ourselves, and my parents certainly did!

My mother is 76, she’s been driving since 17. Her and my Dad do their huge garden, pay their own bills via internet banking, travel, MOT their cars and are generally lead pretty independent lives. People saying this is a generational thing are wrong. People in their 80s are pretty self sufficient. Your MIL is like this now because she didn’t work or drive when all her peers will have been learning in the 1960s (unless she’s over 100).

Your dd is 5 - your perspective will be different when she's 25

That. Reading through the posts on this thread it's pretty clear which posters have young children and which have teenagers or young adult offspring.

OP, are you honestly saying that if your child leaves home on their late teens or early twenties and never shows any interest in you, never visits or calls, forgets your birthday, doesn't show any interest in you, you'll be fine with that?
Right now it seems to you that your cute five year old will forever be that small person who puts you at the centre of their world. But pretty much every bolshy teenager and self centred going adult was once a cute and loving five year old too.

and self centred going adult

And self centred YOUNG adult!

But why wouldn't you help your parents if you can?! So bizarre this English thing of the nuclear family and castigation of the extended family. My mother was by no means the perfect, she was human just like me but I lived to look after her. She literally gave me life. Why would I not want to help sort out her bills or garden or take her for appointments? If I don't, who will?

That’s beautiful. I completely agree and feel the same way.

Kind of agree but then at the same time I was incapacitated last year (back went), and it’s scary when you actually can do nothing at all! I’ve always liked to think I’m easy going but it the house is falling down around me because I can’t get some of the work done because of health, I can’t find someone to pay (or can’t afford to), and none of my kids will come to help if I ask? I think I might be a bit irritated- I’d really really really try not to be but I think I probably would be!! (And I think at times most of the dms and dmils probably thought the same thing when they were our age!!!)

It is not about 'owing' it is about loving your parents. I would be very sad if my kids didn't want to see me or want to help me out of love. I intend to try very hard not to ask more than is reasonable, but for example my mum needed a hand moving a heavy plant pot - did we do that because we 'owed' her? No, we did it because we love her.

I imagine this is like saying what kind of parent you’ll be before you have kids- you don’t really have any idea what it’s like, what your grown up kids will be like or how you’ll be behave. The majority of us go into parenthood wanting to be a specific way and usually falling short by our own, idealistic standards. I’m guessing this will be a similar scenario where, in 15 years time, you’ll look back and may feel differently to how you do now.

I have amazing parents (and in laws) and they have looked after me well and their parents in their final years. My in laws still look after my husband's grandma. My parents are still more of a support to me than I am to them and I feel I owe them so much and we often spend time with them and hep them where I can. Not out of obligation, but love, and I will willingly help all four of our parents however I can. I hope and pray my children will feel the same.

As a parent she should want to see her son loving his best life, which I wouldn’t think would involve working co- running his own house and then having to run hers also?

Is she very elderly and frail, or impaired in some other way? My 86yo Grandma does all her own shopping bills and drives, she has hired a gardener now as that’s too much for her physically. My MIL who has arthritis and Parkinson’s does her own online shopping and manages her own finances.

Living ofc

It’s about developing a loving relationship with your children and them developing a loving relationship with you. You support each other at appropriate points.

^ I generally agree with this

Provided that you have had a decent upbringing or not suffered abuse etc, I think there should be some reciprocity

I think one of the downfalls of UK society today is a huge focus on rights but not on responsibility. There has to be balance.

I think I’d be ashamed not to help my mum in the situation you describe. I love her and I can’t imagine not putting myself out to make her feel ok.