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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Our children owe us nothing

169 replies

Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa · 09/06/2023 18:50

Who agrees with this?

I truly believe my Dd (5) owes us nothing when she grows up. I hope hope hope she’ll want to visit regularly and spend time with us, because she wants to, and that is all.
Dh’s mum is always complaining, she’s on her own after fil passed some years ago, but she’s never worked, never learnt to drive. She complains that no one comes to do her garden, to take her food shopping, to pay her bills and help her sort them out etc. I remember when Dh was young and first starting working in his first job and they took a huge amount of board from him-a lot. His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)
I really feel like I brought my Dd into this world, everything I do for her is because she’s my daughter and I love her, she doesn’t owe me anything
Anyone agree?

OP posts:

polkadotdalmation · 09/06/2023 19:26

YANBU, but you are being shortsighted. My parents, mum especially have helped me with childcare for the past 14 years, and won't be stopping anytime soon. She helps my brother financially and supports all of us in 101 ways. I will certainly support her in the future, but she does say if she gets ill or dementia, she's off to Switzerland!

Whattodowithit88 · 09/06/2023 19:26

I don’t agree and I also do.
I don’t agree with what you say as you’re looking at it from your perspective, which is a mother of a YOUNG child in a completely different world to what your mother in law lived. It was different back then for most women and the majority of them had no hobbies/work/interests other than looking after the house and kids. You should look at it from her point of view.

I do agree kids owe us nothing. We do give them so much love and are apart of their family too though so a little help now and again wouldn’t hurt either.

Fairyliz · 09/06/2023 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LavenderHazy · 09/06/2023 19:28

Hbh17 · 09/06/2023 19:20

Parents have a responsibility to look after their kids when they are children. Once everyone is an adult, nobody owes anything to anybody else. We should all be living as independent individuals, and I hate the idea that there has to be some sort of "payback". Families are overrated, imo.

I broadly agree with this. I also think that how the older generation acts when their kids are young adults has an impact. Eg my nan looked after my bro and I a lot as kids, and my mum cared for her at the end of her life. If she had been one of those "I'm done with kids and am going to go on cruises forever and never babysit" type of 60 year olds, my mum might have been less willing to do the caring later on. My DH's family expect a lot but have never given us anything but criticism so I don't feel inclined to help them with time or money, as they didn't do the same for us when they could (and did the bare minimum when he was a child too, from what I've heard).

stayflufft · 09/06/2023 19:28

Firmly agree. My kids owe me nothing. They came through me and are their own people. I love them with all my heart and I hope I’m doing right by them. I hope they will want me in their lives when they’re older but I won’t expect anything from them. I just want them to be happy and make the most of their lives. And I hope to give them every opportunity to do that.

NerrSnerr · 09/06/2023 19:30

I agree. My children don't owe me anything. If they have children and if they're local and I'm willing and able to help them in the future with their children I will not be holding them to 'paying me back'. God no. I hope we'll have a mutually respectful relationship.

UnaOfStormhold · 09/06/2023 19:34

I love this Lois McMaster Bujold quote:

“You don't pay back your parents. You can't. The debt you owe them gets collected by your children, who hand it down in turn. It's a sort of entailment. Or if you don't have children of the body, it's left as a debt to your common humanity. Or to your God, if you possess or are possessed by one.

"The family economy evades calculation in the gross planetary product. It's the only deal I know where, when you give more than you get, you aren't bankrupted - but rather, vastly enriched.”

Oliotya · 09/06/2023 19:42

I agree, my kids owe me nothing. But I will consider it a great personal failing if we don't manage to raise a family where we look out for each other.

Palomabalom · 09/06/2023 19:44

Well it’s easy to say now when you’re able and young. If you were living alone and having falls, unable to get yourself to the toilet on time, confused or scared then you might want to see a familiar face. You will be so much more vulnerable and your current child will then be an adult more capable than you, perhaps kinder and more gentle than the staff in a care home or caters paid pittance to do a quick pit stop at your house. You might realise that the power shift means your rapidly declining health/ cognitive ability and strength means a shift in the absolute conviction that you wouldn’t ask your daughter for help

caringcarer · 09/06/2023 19:46

My adult children live away from me, one in Bristol and one in Hull and I still do things for them sometimes. Occasionally I will ask my son to do a favour for me so I ask if he will help my DH who is his SD, to help lift a heavy item as I have a couple of btl in Hull. Whenever I visit my DC I always take them out for a meal and pay. They visit me a couple of times each year. I hope they would continue to visit me once I'm old. Years ago when my Dad had a heart attack I was straight in the car to be with him. My sister's too. When my Mum was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Me and all of my 4 sisters moved back to Mums to care for her in shifts. We did 4 days caring for her 2 days off when we went home. She never expected or asked us to do this but we wanted to be there for her. Our DH's all accepted that and took over all childcare of our children or in my case dstep children. This went on for about 9 weeks until she died. We got to spend some special time with Mum that I will always be very grateful for having. My DH was fantastic. He took off 3 half days a week and from his annual leave and cooked, cleaned and did laundry for my 2 DC. One was in their teens so he also did a lot of driving them around. When my FiL died I told DH to go up and stay with his dMum for a ten days and help her with planning the funeral as all she could do was cry. She was 80 herself and had been married for 60 years. My FiL handled all bills and so DH set up direct debits for his Mum for everything so she didn't forget to pay things. Now she's alone we drive 150 miles each way to visit her once a month. Immediately after FiL funeral I went up to stay with MiL for a week on my own whilst DH had to go back to working so she had company and I get on really well with her. Family is very important to me and I've brought my children up to think so too. My DC who live away from me ring me every week and text me too. I text and ring them back. When my DD had her 2 DC each time I went to stay with her for a week and cooked her a freezer full of ready meals. Her DH took a week off to be with my DD and new baby but I did all the cooking, cleaning and laundry so my dd could rest and relax. Nothing is more important than family. Parents won't be there forever.

Thighdentitycrisis · 09/06/2023 19:49

I agree and my parents were the same

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 09/06/2023 19:50

Men naturally go over to their wives side. I find the mil threads fascinating it's as if they don't want to inherit their husbands mother.

Doingmybest12 · 09/06/2023 19:50

My parents are elderly and need support. I don't owe it but we are a family why wouldn't you want to help your loved ones. There is an element of obligation too I think. Who eIse should or who else would have their best interests at heart. I don't assume my children will help me when I need it but I hope they won't leave me high and dry. They don't owe me though. (All things being usual in relationships ,not abusive etc)

PattyDuckface · 09/06/2023 19:54

This is such a depressing worldview. Families are rich, deep relationships of duty and love that span across generations and require us to care for the old and the young and everyone in-between. Give and take.

If you reject this approach and expect nothing from your children as they become adults then we all lose. The State is not your friend and that's who steps in if we insist on breaking down all familial duties, bonds and the support that gives us.

Your MIL sounds annoying but that's people for you. Better than the alternative which is no one.

LadyBird1973 · 09/06/2023 19:54

Your dd is 5 - your perspective will be different when she's 25.

If your parents raise you with love and kindness and respect, then you do owe them that in return. If your parents sacrificed their money and time when you were a fully grown adult and helped you out with things like house deposits and childcare and were there for you in times of need, then yes, I do think you owe them some time and help in return when they are old and feeling vulnerable.
I don't think we owe our parents if that comes at the expense of caring properly for our own children, but I definitely think that if you've had a great childhood and parents who've supported you even as adults, then you should want to see them comfortable and happy in their old age.
Obviously different if your parents were selfish arseholes. But I see a hell of lot of parents doing school runs for the grandkids, forking out for weddings, letting their kids move back home when they are in between houses/just got divorced/need to save a deposit.

Fisharejumping · 09/06/2023 19:57

People think it is ok to neglect family members who need help? And yet look at the way people queued for hours and hours when the queen died to pay homage to someone they never knew and who only cared about her family’s continued wealth and power. Many of them said they thought of her as “one of the family”.

deathbyhayfever · 09/06/2023 19:59

I agree mostly, but I also believe that we all have a moral duty to support family. Expecting children to do everything for you is ridiculous, but it should be normal to help your adult children financially when you can, offer some occasional childcare if you are healthy enough, and tolerate the MIL a couple of times a year, for her birthday and around Christmas.

drpet49 · 09/06/2023 19:59

BitOutOfPractice · 09/06/2023 19:00

Oh op it’s so more complex than that. And you know it. You’re just cross at your MiL and you can’t imagine your ds being anything other than a delightful child.

but I guarantee there’s more to this than that.

This

IncompleteSenten · 09/06/2023 20:04

I agree.
If our children simply owed us for being born then surely that would mean they owed us even if we were neglectful or abusive.

We aren't owed anything.
We have to earn it! We have to deserve it. We have to have been good enough parents for our children to want to be there for us.

honeyandfizz · 09/06/2023 20:07

I think that I owe my parents a hell of a lot for giving us so much love and support over the years. My Dad died and few weeks ago and it has been devastating but being there to support my Mum through the trauma has been my number one priority because I owe it to her for every time she has been there for me.

OttoGraph · 09/06/2023 20:07

His brother still lives at home with her and pays the majority of everything (agree he should contribute a fair amount living there, but if he moved out she’d be screwed)

Could sell up and have a retirement flat in a complex with lots of activities and other old people to talk to - downsizing could leave her much better of

Opaque11 · 09/06/2023 20:08

DisquietintheRanks · 09/06/2023 19:13

I don't agree with this at all but I'm not English and in my culture family love and loyalty is very important. There are implicit expectations of mutual support.

This, probably from a similar culture too.

IncompleteSenten · 09/06/2023 20:10

honeyandfizz · 09/06/2023 20:07

Sorry for your loss 💐

I would say yours is a good example of my pov. You didn't owe your parents - they earned it by being good parents and being there for you when you needed them.

mayorofcasterbridge · 09/06/2023 20:10

It's not about obligation. It's about loyalty and love.

Would you feel the same, @Shesforeverjumpingonthatsofa, if you were to replace the words MIL with mother? Don't you feel even the slightest gratitude for anything your parents did for you that went over and above the basics?

Your MIL sounds depressed and lonely. She can't go back in time and work, or learn to drive. Yes, she could learn to drive but it's harder as you get older.

Surely it's no big ask to set up her finances for her, set up an online shop for her or arrange someone to cut her grass?

You will be that old woman some day too, even if you don't think so now. A little kindness wouldn't come amiss.

Itsanotherhreatday · 09/06/2023 20:12

Mmmm I’m going to disagree, it junk I’ve had gone over and above supporting my children as they reach adulthood, listened, organized, supported, give time and financially to help them sort themselves out - we are paying Uni fees, paid car insurance so they can be independent etc etc ….

So yes I do expect basics in return, make me a cup of tea, pick me up when I’m out, clean round, help lift things, Iw ant then to learn to it take advantage of anyone’s kindness and to repay kindness when they are offered it.

Otherwise aren’t your raising entitled adults?

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