Elderly needy parents + young needy kids - arghhh!!

[PlumPudd]

What do we owe to our parents / what responsibility do we have to them and what do they in return owe / have a responsibility towards us and our little kids?

I expect this is a common issue in my age group (mid 30’s). I’ve got little kids, who I love more than life itself, but who need most of my and my partners time / care / worry and attention. I also have a job, a partner, a mortgage, health worries, friends who I’d sometimes like to see, the need to occasionally have five minutes to myself to read a book etc.

However at the same time I’m raising my tiny kids my parents have been switching from relatively independent adults, to querulous, feeble (their words) old folks who want me to show them how to use the internet and book appointment for them, spend endless hours listening to their fears and grumbles about each other, their health, politics, media bias, how awful young people are today, how expensive their heating bill is (not as bloody expensive as mine) etc. and seem to feel that their time to look after has ended and their time to be looked after has begun and that it’s my responsibility to do this.

All this at a time when I’d really value still getting a bit of support and a listening ear from them as I look after a baby and a toddler, struggle to afford life, balance work, manage my own health etc. I know they got this support from their (admittedly slightly younger) parents, my grandparents, and that in theory they’d like to give it to me, but they seem unable / unwilling to.

In principle I agree that your parents should look after you and you should in turn look after your parents when they get old. But what are we all supposed to do when (because everyone is having kids later and living longer) our parents get old, grumpy and in need at the same time that we ourselves need their support in the difficult years with very young kids, or don’t have the time and energy to look after them and our kids together?!?!?

Not really looking for an answer to this (hypothetical) question, just offloading…

Who the f..k has savings many people don't have enough to eat

My grandparents all died in their mid 70s after a short illness or suddenly prior to which they lived independently requiring no care or assistance from my parents, at the time I was in my mid 20s and living independently placing no burden whatsoever on my parents.

My (now passed) father couldn’t grasp that I didn’t know all the IT answers to his tech issues. If I said “oh dear I don’t know”, he would repeat his IT issue again and again, getting louder and louder until he was shouting it at me. I get that he was frustrated. But repeating the same tech problem at an increasing volume is not going to magically bestow my brain with the content of an IT helpdesk.

Eventually I just said I didn’t know, to all IT problems. I couldn’t take it any more. He gradually moved from shouting at me, to taking the issue to a local IT tech repairer (who he didn’t shout at for some reason). He paid, they fixed it, I was not shouted at. Everyone was a winner.

Both parents are now passed. It is not a crime to admit that I don’t miss this part of our interactions though.

Savings are for passing onto our children. Not for squandering keeping me alive in an existence which is unbearable

All I’m going to say is, one day your parents will no longer be here… then you will wish you hadn’t moaned and will wish you had done more… I speak from regrettable experience 😢

@MazzaMooza absolutely. Objectively I know I did my best for my ailing parents in their final distressing months and years. But I still wish I'd done more. And said more.
Too late.

Personally, savings are for spending when I no longer have children to go enjoy the world again after sacrificing time and things to raise them

I'm sorry you feel that way but lots of people don't feel like that, not a bit of it. I have absolutely no regrets about anything in respect of my dad, even arguing with him or moaning about him. He might have been very ill but he could also be very difficult and I'm only human. I'm completely at peace with it as is my DM.

Its hard op mine got needy. Had explain cant answer my phone in work (temped on reception desk). It just gets worse. Holidays big gardens upkeep nobody around. I had take a step back was worn out from it. Then negativity when you visit. Its tiring

Mine ring when I'm working.

I text to say "can't talk, working" and they ring again!

I've had to take voicemail off because otherwise I listen to a long rambling voicemail then have to ring and get told it all again.

I've told my children to be really strict with me. I never want to be like this to them.

My parents were dead at 54 and then suddenly at 69 (in an accident). I loved them dearly but don't wish I'd done or seen them more.
The old 'one day you'll be sorry' doesn't wash. Manipulation.

jannier Millions of elderly people have savings. And plenty of it. The over 65's hold more wealth than all other generations.
And unfortunately, if we now all want to live until we're 105 we'll have to get our head round the idea of actually spending it.
Any passing on of inheritance comes secondary and is a bonus. Responsibility for ourself comes first.

'I've told my children to be really strict with me. I never want to be like this to them.'

I think we all think this with the best intentions.
My parents did. But events rolled out of control. With the crisis in the care sector I'm afraid often there's no choice. Looking at this more broadly we absolutely have to tackle this.

All these comments about being glad not wanting more time etc. They did raise you, put up with everything you threw at them in your younger years, they gave up things for themselves etc.

So I find it odd because on the other hand there are plenty of threads where people in their 20s,30s 40s moaning about how their parents don't help them financially.

So if the running theme is, parents should have enough money to look after themselves when they are older, not bother their kids so much then would you be okay if at 18, you parents no longer helped you financially...off you go time to earn your own money.

Just thinking about those parents who give money for house deposits etc, thats money they could of used to buy in help and a better retirement

Mine don't need care.

They've just forgotten what it's like to work full time with kids and what you have to do in the evenings and weekends to keep it all going.

I've reached the ping now where I say "I can do your tech support now or I can feed my kids, which choice would you make of you were me?"

Oh dear. What an awful attitude. Don't you cherish those closest to you? I certainly do. What an empty vessel you must be.

But then you could argue those parents chose to bring a child into the world, into a world where they may be an adult at 18 but is in such a state that they will struggle to live without assistance. They chose to have a child and make the sacrifice it involves.

The child did not ask to be born, being required to provide substantial contact and care for ailing parents was not a choice they made.

You look at all the threads about grandparents (usually MIL) wanting to see their grandchild daily, have daily phone and text updates/video calls and everyone jumps on the thread saying how its way too much, they have their own lives, see MIL every couple weeks etc. Yet this is the case for many on the thread where they have to see and speak to their elderly parents daily to care for them when they have that young baby or child.

Parents are adjusting to parent life and their child needing all this time and attention that they were given as a child by their parents, and also have to adjust to caring for their own parents too! At the same time.

It's awful when you are in your late 50 s and have teenagers and ailing parents, you feel life should be getting a bit easier and it's not, it's very upsetting

Only so much you can do in your week. People work too. They def get selfish. I do what I can at wends. Paintings and gardens is outsourced. My husb has his own mother too. Its really hard as others have said.

And your judgemental attitude is better?

Perhaps, her and her parents aren’t close which is not uncommon despite what some posters seem to think and struggle to comprehend. Not everyone is lucky to be borne from parents who were great and loving. Not everyone that people cherish is of their blood.

I agree. They’ve forgotten.

I had a family emergency last year. My teen went to her dad’s and the baby went with me, but my MIL came to watch the rambunctious (then) 2 y/o so my husband could keep working. She became much more understanding. Who knows how long that will last, but it’s been nice while it does!

Can I adopt you please? 😂

I feel a bit stuck in rhe middle too even tho im a grandmother. 56 work full time but my mother who is 84 depends on me a lot for help, she will not learn anyrhing technicall nor make a call - have 3 adult DC & 5 GDC. I find it so hard so switch between helpful daughter mode/parent mode/grandparent mode/wife mode especially if we are all together at the same time!!

No....the wealthiest is 60 to 64 year olds....wealth including property and pensions obviously if you have a house in a good area because you borrowed as much as you could 40 plus years ago it's gone up in value....doesn't mean while you paid your mortgage you had loads to make extra savings with. It also depends on how you work out your averages....mean, median or modal ....in all areas you have a wide range from extremely rich to extremely poor.....you can't assume every old person is the same.
Many are also paying for carers while bothering their children ....if you've had a carer you might not be so keen on cold porridge, weak cold tea getting up when they come between 6am and 11 or going to bed between 6 and 8. But if you have any savings your paying for that. But of course if you're looking for a reason to justify ignoring them carry on.

Oh gosh it's a bit nasty isn't it? It does seem like a lot of you don't like their parents! God I wish my dad was still around to ramble on about his youth, I wish I'd listened to more of his stories! And my mum died when I was 11.What I'd do to have had her around!
I by no means live in my children's pockets and don't ask for help if I can possibly help it.I prefer to be independent and still work at 74, though I get absolutely exhausted. Us oldies aren't all as spoilt as some of you think.
It's like watching 'Motherland ' on here sometimes ... How's about a little toleration even love for each other?
.