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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

325 replies

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 12:51

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

OP posts:
Pinkprescription · 09/06/2023 20:13

I've dated a lot of men over the last 3 years. All were highly educated, great jobs - doctor, lawyer, physicist, teachers etc. The majority have been very rough in the bedroom - it's very much about physical dominance and hands around the neck. Two different men have made me pass out that way - it's so quick and the pressure so great that I couldn't speak to say no. I struggled - both must have thought that was part of the game. Not fun at all. A lot of this is hidden behind wanting to be a sophisicated dominant - rather 50 shades-esque - but "nothing too much".
I've heard a lot of men denigrating vanilla women as dull, insecure and or ready for the scrap heap.
I walk away time and time again. I tried talking to some of these men - I'm clear I don't like rough - they don't see it as rough and won't listen.

WitheringTights000 · 09/06/2023 20:18

@Pinkprescription - sounds grim. What was their response when you tried talking to them?

Did they say 'oh no I'm not being rough, or just act bewildered/or say 'ok I won't be' then try it again?

thelionthewitchtheaudacityofTHISbitch · 09/06/2023 20:26

ejbaxa · 09/06/2023 16:04

This is fucking terrifying. Basic sex ought to be promoted to teens etc, not all this choking, anal etc. My teens have had school lessons about anal sex - how to make it hygienic. I mean wtf, they'd have been better off telling them, look, have sex when you have build up a relationship and trust and then just do a bit of foreplay and missionary!

Did you talk to the school about this and how unacceptable it was. Please do so - even if now it is too late for your DC.

FOJN · 09/06/2023 20:37

ArgosKettle · 09/06/2023 19:08

Whilst I'm sympathetic to your injuries, this isn't limited to casual sex. This could happen (and in some cases does) with a partner or husband.

I think you need to work on communicating your demands/ boundaries and limits more effectively.

Until very recently I would never have thought I needed to stipulate that choking, hitting and rough, deep oral sex were not activities I would consent to.

Like many other posters have stated these activities just weren't a thing when I was in my 20's and 30's. If I met a man who was interested in something out of he ordinary then they usually bought it up and sought consent rather than assume they could do whatever the hell they liked.

Should we also mention that we'd like to conclude a sexual encounter with all our limbs intact just incase we find ourselves getting intimate with someone with an amputation fetish?

Please stop making women responsible for the conduct of porn sick, sexually violent men.

VestaTilley · 09/06/2023 20:47

YANBU. You were assaulted. If you tell him you won’t be seeing him again you should tell him why. Better still, tell the police (if you feel up to it).

These utter bastards are saturated with pornography, and it’s having an horrific affect on women - you shouldn’t need to do a disclaimer to say you don’t like being assaulted in bed before sleeping with someone.

I pray I never have a daughter. What a world for women.

krissy7 · 09/06/2023 20:53

I have never had casual sex, and I have to say I have always been amazed at how trusting women can be when it comes to one night stands. You wouldn't usually go into a locked room with someone you just met and put yourself in such a vulnerable situation, yet with casual sex it's the norm. What if it hurts and you want them to stop? You don't know this person, how can you trust them to do so.

Then there's the side of diseases that can happen from intimate contact. Condoms do not always prevent everything, so there is always a risk to your health unless you are clear on their sexual health status. There is also HPV - while this is common these days, it is still something to consider.

rabbithearted · 09/06/2023 21:00

It's definitely dangerous having sex with random guys but having sex with friends should be safe even though it's not a full relationship. This guy obviously is not an actual friend or somebody who cares about you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/06/2023 21:16

I would honestly consider asking him to drop out of the group now. You could point out that he could be forced to do so with a bail condition if you go to the police. Arsehole.

Speedweed · 09/06/2023 21:18

I won't be having sex again in the future, without communicating my limits. Lesson learned.

I'm just amazed that this conversation needs to be had. "I don't want to be hit/pushed/choked/made to be sick through forced deep oral" - 20 years ago this was not a statement anyone needed to make before sex. I'm pissed off about it.

Exactly. So that lovely, anticipatory, fluttery, romantic excitement of deciding to have sex with someone and working up to that (where, because it was gentle and exploratory and mutual, enthusiastic consent could be assumed) is finished. Killed by porn.

Sadly, the only thing missing from the (entirely sensible) statement above is how much you're going to charge - at least that may give the encounter some dignity. ...

I find it all so, so sad.

Aslanplustwo · 09/06/2023 21:18

MaxwellCat · 09/06/2023 12:58

yeah I agree and I’m sick of posts on here from people advising women to sleep with men on the first date, it’s constant on the relationships board. It’s actually really scary how many posters I see on here advising women to sleep with men on the first date, you are literally alone and naked with a stranger who could do anything to you since men can basically over power women.

Agreed. Having casual sex with randoms has always been quite dangerous, even more so these days. It's every woman's choice to take the risk or not.

jajajajaja · 09/06/2023 21:34

MaxwellCat · 09/06/2023 12:58

yeah I agree and I’m sick of posts on here from people advising women to sleep with men on the first date, it’s constant on the relationships board. It’s actually really scary how many posters I see on here advising women to sleep with men on the first date, you are literally alone and naked with a stranger who could do anything to you since men can basically over power women.

I have literally never seen this advice

ArtixLynx · 09/06/2023 21:47

if you enjoy it, that kind of sex is fine (i do enjoy it) but there still has to be boundaries, and that has to be not jumping into bed with a practical stranger without making your likes/dislikes, and boundaries clear with discussion first.

my current partner and i are 'casual' but we spent weeks flirting, chatting in dm, practically having phone sex over voice notes describing what we liked/disliked, what our hard no's were, what we were willing to explore, what GREAT sex was to us, so by the time we did actually sleep with each other, it was quite honestly, fucking mind blowing, and every time we see each other, it just gets better, because we trust each other.

I don't like one night stands, and i don't get the idea behind having sex with anyone without having these discussions first, they're so important, even with casual partners.

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 22:05

Well I heard back from him and he's extremely contrite and sorry he's hurt me. He says he didn't realise it was rough sex.

What a load of crap (the latter part).

I'm wondering though if he's mostly sorry he's lost any possibility of future sex with me.

OP posts:
Letitrow · 09/06/2023 22:14

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 22:05

Well I heard back from him and he's extremely contrite and sorry he's hurt me. He says he didn't realise it was rough sex.

What a load of crap (the latter part).

I'm wondering though if he's mostly sorry he's lost any possibility of future sex with me.

Scarily though I think a lot of men do view it as normal rather than rough sex- that's part of the worrying part. Of course doesn't excuse it one iota, i think it's actually worse that a lot don't realise their strength, power, and that stuff like this isn't run of the mill sex, it's stuff they should actively discuss with a partner before engaging in.

Grumpy101 · 09/06/2023 22:16

He managed to bruise your rib after also forcibly introducing foreign objects in your vagina without your consent? You were raped and sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry. I actually think your experiences are unusual and very very traumatic. I've engaged in plenty of casual sex in the last 5-10 years and honestly this has not been my experience at all. I think you are trying to frame some very unlucky, traumatic experiences into something that happens a lot to other women but it really doesn't. Stop emailing him, he's a scumbag. And do take a break from dating to process what has happened to you.

FOJN · 09/06/2023 22:16

Well I heard back from him and he's extremely contrite and sorry he's hurt me. He says he didn't realise it was rough sex.

This would make me furious.

He can't seriously think that forcing his dick so far down a woman's throat she vomits is not rough sex. I know you drew the line to prevent that but nevertheless he would have prioritised his pleasure over your gag reflex, an evolutionary reflex to PREVENT us choking FFS. That's in addition to the rough handling resulting in physical injury and the thrush caused by either his inability to assess or indifference to your stage of arousal.

Do the knuckles of this arsehole drag on the floor?

Original poster
LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 22:23

Grumpy101 · 09/06/2023 22:16

He managed to bruise your rib after also forcibly introducing foreign objects in your vagina without your consent? You were raped and sexually assaulted. I'm so sorry. I actually think your experiences are unusual and very very traumatic. I've engaged in plenty of casual sex in the last 5-10 years and honestly this has not been my experience at all. I think you are trying to frame some very unlucky, traumatic experiences into something that happens a lot to other women but it really doesn't. Stop emailing him, he's a scumbag. And do take a break from dating to process what has happened to you.

It wasn't quite like that. It was more like trying to put a finger when there just wasn't any arousal and there hadn't been enough foreplay. I would classify it as bad sex, not rape.

My experiences are not completely out of the ordinary either. If you read the whole thread that will become clear.

OP posts:
Jazzybean · 09/06/2023 22:33

You’re not wrong. I’m 30, and very much ‘generation porn’ in terms of most people around my age having easy access to porn from a young age, and with the adults in our lives having little understanding of the dangers of the internet at the time. We are all totally screwed up by this. It’s like drugs. You’re always chasing a bigger high, and the behaviours get riskier and more extreme.

WitheringTights000 · 10/06/2023 00:15

A friend of mine suggested that I join a church to meet a guy, but the problem is, I'm not in any way religious.....

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/06/2023 04:36

OP, you are normalizing sexual assault and excusing and rationalizing it by saying your generation is just exposed to too much porn.

Please take a step waay back to see this.
It's not your fault. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. The men you've described are criminals. Their behaviour is not even near normal.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

nhs.uk

Help after rape and sexual assault

Find out about sexual assault and rape, where to get help and whether it has to be reported to the police, plus how to find a sexual assault referral centre.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/06/2023 04:39

LadyH846 · 09/06/2023 22:05

Well I heard back from him and he's extremely contrite and sorry he's hurt me. He says he didn't realise it was rough sex.

What a load of crap (the latter part).

I'm wondering though if he's mostly sorry he's lost any possibility of future sex with me.

No, he's shitting himself wondering if the police will be knocking at his door.
He is gaslighting you by saying he didn't realize it was rough. Dies that mean he's do used to women taking it he can't yell the difference anymore?
You were assaulted, ffs. Please wake up. Please.

Oblomov23 · 10/06/2023 05:37

Casual sex suits few people. You need to be in the right emotional state for it. You are really looking for love, therefore it's unlikely to suit you.

You've had poor sex with unsuitable men. Yes this rough sex normalised by porn is a big problem. You shouldn't need to have to stipulate you don't want it rough before a normal sexual encounter. Clearly maybe you now do, which is worrying and actually really sad.

But lack of communication in all your recent encounters is a big problem. Why were you even sleeping with all these clearly unsuitable men. This also needs looking at, a bit deeper.

JMSA · 10/06/2023 05:38

Cheeky bastard. Wonder how he'd feel if a much larger person did this to him Angry

Lemieux3 · 10/06/2023 07:55

Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/06/2023 04:36

OP, you are normalizing sexual assault and excusing and rationalizing it by saying your generation is just exposed to too much porn.

Please take a step waay back to see this.
It's not your fault. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. The men you've described are criminals. Their behaviour is not even near normal.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

She's really not normalising it at all.

Porn definitely does have something to do with men behaving this way but it's not an excuse. Men should not feel entitled to treat women like porn stars.

And whilst it's true that this is criminal behaviour, it has become quite a common occurrence, sadly.

greenisnotserene · 10/06/2023 08:44

@LadyH846 this whole situation is awful. The reason he is upset is because he knows he has assaulted you. It's not acceptable to treat a woman like this elsewhere so why do it in the bedroom. I hope your future experiences aren't like this. I am sure there are a lot of men who want to have a respectful encounter.