To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

What a pathetic man child.

He says he "knows I enjoyed it" even if I can't admit it.
Tell him this is what rapists say. What a disgusting excuse for a man

If that's in text then I'd definitely consider reporting him for assault. Gross.

As a slight aside, are there any ethical/ vanilla porn sites we can point our sons towards when discussing the awfulness of most online porn sites nowadays.

There is no such thing as ethical porn.

And why would you be directing your sons towards porn sites?

I find your comment disturbing.

I deleted the text almost as soon as I got it. I felt like it was contaminating my phone with its awfulness.

I'm so sorry OP, I can only imagine how much further violated you feel by his disgusting follow up message to you.

It's always, always a victim's sole choice whether they report an assault or not, so of course you shouldn't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Due to his follow up I think I would be more inclined to report him because he sounds like he's even more dangerous than before but I absolutely appreciate that's easy for me to say.

I also think that while you absolutely shouldn't have to be the one to quit your hobby or find a new group, it's worth you thinking about the impact it may have on your mental health to have to see him again.

I'm so sorry all this has happened to you, he is disgusting

Sorry it must have come across wrong. I am completely against porn and will try to educate my son as much as possible not to watch it at all. However I’m aware that many people on mumsnet think watching porn is a totally normal thing to do. I’m not sure if making your children feel really guilty about their desire to watch porn is also a good parenting stategy? I’m clueless though. So I was wondering if there was more mild porn available (like stuff that was around in the nineties).
what would you do? Strongly advise them not to watch any. That of course is my preferred option.

by ethical porn I suppose I meant where the people involved in it aren’t trafficked etc and the women are treated with respect, both as people but also within the content. I guess it doesn’t exist though.

I don't think he means that I enjoyed the violence, but he seems upset that I seem to imply that he's bad in bed by my rejection of him as a sexual partner.

He's pushing back against that by saying he knows I enjoyed the sex we had.

I actually didn't - it was a bit rubbish and yes he was bad in bed as far as I'm concerned.

I don't know how I'm going to even look at him in future. He makes me sick.

@LadyH846 what a disgusting individual. Pathetic behaviour. Can you block the number?

Yes, I blocked him, too.

I disagree. I think he's saying you did enjoy the sexual violence he inflicted on you. You can't 'divorce' what he did from the 'full' sexual experience you had with him.

And yes, he was bad in bed. Any man who believes that sexual violence is a normal part of sex is, ipso facto, 'bad in bed'.

As far as dealing with him in the future, if he tried to 'make nice' or be buddy buddy, I'd treat him coldly. Not rude per se, but with an icy demeanor that says 'keep your distance'. But I'd also keep a close eye/ear on anything he may try to say/imply about you to the group and be ready to speak up to the extent you feel comfortable with. Hell hath no fury like a man accused of being lousy in bed.

Excuse me? There is no such thing as ethical porn. You should google Gail Dines and watch some of her lectures on YouTube to understand the full horror of the porn industry.

Your son is not entitled to recorded footage of sexually exploited women to assist his masturbation.

Is there any way you can escape your hobby group?

It’s crazily dangerous but lots of women don’t think of it like this. When I was younger I had a spell of casual sex via online dating sites. At the time, I didn’t think twice about it but now I’m older and wiser it makes me cringe.

Men are physically much stronger so easy to overcome any woman. Easy for them to rape, assault or even murder us. Going back to their house to have sex puts you in such a vulnerable position. I’m fortunate nothing bad happened to me but it very easily could have.

See my later post for explanation. I agree with you but lots of people seem to think watching porn is fine (as you see on many mumsnet posts) so I wondered if there were some sites which were better than others. I should have worded it better and used “”

No, I love it and being part of the community attached to it is a big part of my life

Do you have ability to think for yourself on this issue?

Who cares if "lots of people think it's fine", if you disagree with it?

Give your head a wobble and please don't derail my thread with this nonsense.

I've a similar age to you and have been doing the same as you for the past year. I agree in principle with you about 'older' men, most seem to understand consent and boundaries and generally are more realistic about sex and what women's bodies look like after child bearing . Plus they accept that women have pubic hair and don't automatically expect it all to be removed.

And some older men are just grateful their own body is performing, and they don't want to do anything to jeopardise that...

Yes, before I blocked him I told him that consent for sex doesn't = consent for rough sex. I said it was assault because he didn't get consent and I had no idea it was coming. He got away with it this time but possibly not next time so he needs to think about this carefully if he doesn't want to end up in a police cell.

I told him to leave me alone and I don't want to be approached at our hobby group.

I said his comments insinuating I was bad in bed were unkind and below the belt. And that I'm frankly glad he thinks I'm bad in bed because sex for me is not about violence or domination.

No, he's shitting himself wondering if the police will be knocking at his door.
He is gaslighting you by saying he didn't realize it was rough.

I agree with this.

I don't see any point in reporting it to the police. It will be a bunch of unpleasantness for not much justice. It's a case of he said/she said.

And sadly I also agree with this.

I said his comments insinuating I was bad in bed were unkind and below the belt.

It's a common tactic for violent men to establish a narrative of mutual consent via text when they sexually assault someone they know. His weird comments are perhaps an effort to do that and make out that you had fully consensual sex in case you decide to report to the police, and also to establish that you have a reason to want to get back at him, maybe, to undermine your account. My rapist (22 years ago) texted me the next day, making comments about how it was and seemingly wanting to meet up again. I never answered him, but he had nothing to worry about as I didn't report him. Like you, it was casual sex that became much more violent.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this OP, and his last response is awful and shows just how 'normal' this type of sex is seen in the UK at the moment. I'm genuinely frightened for my teenage daughter. This post has prompted me to have a very frank conversation with her.

I struggle to see his logic, how can he think pushing a cock into someone's mouth, until they gag and say 'it's ok if you're a bit sick' would be a turn on for anyone on the receiving end!

I have a good friend and we've both said if we lost our dh's we'd move in together, even with our respective kids. It's honestly looking more and more attractive to share my life with a woman (in a platonic way) than have to deal with these types of men