To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

I do think there are some good men out there, in spite of what has been written in this thread.

You’re not being reasonable at all. What terrifies me is they could murder you and claim it’s a rough sex game gone wrong. If I were dating now I think I’d be making it very clear to friends, and on my online profile or in writing by text/chat etc before sleeping with men that I AM NOT into rough sex. Sad, but I just feel like you would need the evidence if they tried something you didn’t consent to because otherwise they will completely get away with going round committing sexual assault.

Definitely agree that there are good men out there! Who are actually interested in mutual pleasure and women enjoying sex at least as much as they do, and some with extremely vanilla tastes (perhaps even a little too much, lol!). It’s just finding them, I guess.

I am happily single but it wasn't until my son was a teenager that I stopped feeling alone. I can truly say the best relationship we can have is with o urselves. I know I will remain happily single forever!

I pay A handyman gardener and decorator when needed and indulge in safe casual sex but no longer crave a relationship. There are very few happily married women about and I am content I have made the right decision.

Apologies if off topic!

Where can we find the good men without going though the bad ones though?

I honestly don't think I have it in me to go through all the shite.

Ditto. I’m quite new to OLD but seem to attract the ones who are after just sex despite me being very clear that’s not what I’m looking for.

Not seeing him again for sex?

You do mean not seeing him again, full stop, right?

As if this is what turns him on, how do you know he wouldn't do it again? This person is not your friend in case you hadn't realised it yet.

A lot of them simply don’t read profiles. They are too sex thirsty to even bother to read. And I’ve found there are those who even though I’ve stated I don’t just want to have a FWB or hookup, will simply see me as a ‘challenge’ and try to manipulate me with a whole bunch of lies about how they’re looking for a relationship and not a casual arrangement.

I think this has more of the norm since 50 shades of grey

Gosh this this thread has been pr

My strategy at this stage of my life is to get involved in a hobby (a dance) that allows me to meet a bunch of new people. Not doing it with the purpose of meeting someone new, but for the joy of it.

My experience of OLD has been that the dregs of humanity hang out on those apps. I've only ever met one good bloke on there, and that's out of countless dates. I can't be bothered going looking for love anymore. It'll have to come to me, if it is going to.

I'm realising that the way to avoid the bad ones is to value oneself highly. I think casual sex is too risky for me. I also think any sex with a future partner without a discussion of what my limits are, is also too risky. I'm telling myself daily that I am a catch and reminding myself of my good qualities, building myself up. Taking care of myself the way I'd want a partner to.

Yes, he has lost my trust and respect. I will still see him in a group context since it's unavoidable but I'll not be having friendship with him anymore.

Oops.

... profoundly shocking & eye-opening in equal measure.

I'm separated, not dating or in any relationships so I'm clueless. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It seems deeply wrong that an assault, in an intimate, and therefore vulnerable, situation can occur like this, with no consequences for the perpetrator or way to address the harm done.

Handyman, gardener, decorator and gigolo, he sounds quite a man!

@LadyH846

You sound great. Really grounded & a strong sense of self, despite this awful incident.

TW - assault

I was messaging a lad but I’d also been drinking with a friend, by the time he arrived I was absolutely smashed and I don’t even remember him arriving. Don’t remember anything that happened. Don’t remember him leaving. He wouldn’t tell me what happened either.

i was a lot more careful after that. Possibly should have been reported to the police but I was basically telling him to come over 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you :)

Sorry to hear this happened OP. I am 46, and shagged about 60 men between the age of 18 and 30. I can confirm that choking / slapping / any sort of mid-sex violence (trying to distinguish that from rape, which of course has always existed but I have been lucky enough never to experience) just absolutely were not a thing, in that fairly large sample of mid nineties to mid noughties sex, most of it casual. The odd bit of tentative hopefulness about anal? Sure. But that was generally in the more established liaisons and only ever a hope, never assumed.
It has without a doubt changed, and porn has to surely be the cause.

Whilst I'm sympathetic to your injuries, this isn't limited to casual sex. This could happen (and in some cases does) with a partner or husband.

I think you need to work on communicating your demands/ boundaries and limits more effectively.

Porn industry is 100% to blame
Rough sex
Anal
obsession with oral sex 🤮
young man / older woman
the list goes on

Im glad I am well out of the dating / casual sex game

I won't be having sex again in the future, without communicating my limits. Lesson learned.

I'm just amazed that this conversation needs to be had. "I don't want to be hit/pushed/choked/made to be sick through forced deep oral" - 20 years ago this was not a statement anyone needed to make before sex. I'm pissed off about it.

Agreed. In the early noughties no-one was doing this to me either. Fast forward 20 years and they all seem to be doing it.

"I don't want to be hit/pushed/choked/made to be sick through forced deep oral"

🥺

God it's so bleak reading that. I could not have imagined this might be a pre-requisite to sex.

20 years ago this was not a statement anyone needed to make before sex.

Exactly. This might sound so innocent as to be unbelievable but back in university days, early - mid 90s, it was totally usual to go back to a guy's place, and not have sex, in fact not do much more than kissing / some touching. Having sex was really quite unusual.

The limited amount of sex I had in my early years of t relationship, before I met the man who I'd go on to marry, was sweet & respectful & always centred on my pleasure first.

You probably don't mean it like this, but it sounds victim-blamey.

Like the responsibility for her safety & well-being is on OP (and us all) to explicitly say we don't want to be hurt, coerced or have sex acts performed on us without consent. Unfortunately it does sound needed - but it's wholly wrong this is the case.

I have 2 DSs, as well as a DD. My DS are nearly 12 & 14. We talk very openly, and the issue of consent & conversation is a point I've emphasised & we've listened to podcasts about porn, expectations, how sex can be treated by teens etc. I don't think they are too young, as I think the respect & care for women has to be emphasised from the earliest point possible.

Rough sex is port fuelled and very common today. Shocking.