To think casual sex with men can be quite dangerous

[LadyH846]

I'm just making this post to vent. I'm a single woman who is nearing 40.

I've had a bit of casual sex with people in the past I met on dating apps and with friends/acquaintances. When I was in my 20s, no-one seemed to be into rough sex but I noticed when I was in my mid 30s, the men I met on dating apps were dominating me physically in a way that didn't feel good, e.g. grabbing me roughly by the neck during sex to the point where it felt a bit much, without us discussing beforehand if that was going to happen. I didn't like it and stopped them to explain this. No harm done, apart from how fricking weird it was to have my neck grabbed during sex.

I didn't have casual sex for a few years. Had sex with a friend of mine and thought maybe it would become a friends with benefits thing. Turns out he was into rough sex and didn't tell me. During the first encounter with no warning, he pushed me face down on the bed, really hard. It hurt. I remember I could hardly breathe and felt like I was being smothered. I asked him to stop. I noticed afterwards I seemed to have pulled a muscle in the area of my ribs. Several days later I had to go to A&E because the pain was so bad and I couldn't breathe very well.

Turns out I've got a badly bruised rib, which the doctor said only happens through trauma or an accident. Obviously it happened that night because nothing else has happened to me that could have caused it. This guy was over 6ft and a big, strong guy. I am only 5ft and very slight. I don't think he tried to hurt me, but still.

The sex obviously won't be happening again. I feel like I've been assaulted.

I now feel stupid for not discussing beforehand rough sex and what my limits are, given that I've been grabbed by the throat on numerous occasions in the past.

But why do I have to have this discussion? 20-25 years ago, no-one was doing this.

I don't know why I have encountered men being rough during sex over the last 5-10 years or so. Sex never used to be about this.

I feel like I'm done with casual sex.

I think that is sensible. Make sure he knows. Maybe a text explaining what the doctor said is a good idea. Tell.hom that he needs to understand that it is not in to "get rough" without negotiating it beforehand, and you hope he learns from this.

It is quite frightening to hear that some men think it is ok to not mention this stuff beforehand. There needs to be a media campaign around this.

Sorry that should say “a casual encounter where they are most likely to NOT want to act out their fantasies with someone they are in a relationship with”

@LadyH846 - I would be messaging him and tell him that the doctor had really advised you speak with the police.....

The clear implication in a discussion where a woman has been injured in a casual sec encounter when you say “this is why I don’t do that because men are more respectful” is that sex in relationships is safer

don’t be disingenuous in suggesting otherwise

Perhaps think about what you said if that is not what you meant as the implication you made is right there

Of course sex in relationships is safer, it doesn't mean nothing untoward never happens in relationships though.

I will be seeing him again in a group context, so at this stage it just isn't worth the hostility it will create. I hope he learns his lesson from the feedback I gave him about discussing rough sex beforehand. If he pushes back against the feedback or fails to take responsibility or send an apology, I will reconsider.

Perhaps you can enlighten us all on this guaranteed way of avoiding danger from men that you have?

One word: porn. They have easy access to so much hardcore violent and aggressive porn these days and they're copying it. The older guys seem to get a thrill from it because they know it crosses the line. The younger guys don't know any better and think it's completely normal (this also explains the rise in the number of teenage girls whose first heterosexual sexual experience is anal sex). Choking, holding the girl by the hair, pushing the girl's face down, making the girl vomit, it's all the rage now. Porn has also made condoms uncool again and this in turn is why STDs continue to spread like wildfire. It's all so fucking grim.

My very first one would be that he's willing to have casual sex at all, or aFWB arrangement.

I had an encounter with a younger man and when I was trying to perform a big standard blowjob he tried to throat f**k me. I stopped him and said how unpleasant that was.
I even asked if girls are normally ok with this and he said young girls usually just go along with whatever and do t protest, which was so sad to me

As I thought, a load of bollocks.

@Dacadactyl

Can you try to bear in mind this thread was started by an OP who has just been sexually assaulted by a friend she trusted?

Your post veered into victim blaming / shaming and I'm sure you didn't mean it to, but your follow up also felt completely inappropriate when you said you would have seen the signs she missed.

Maybe there were signs, though it's not at all true that there always are so I don't assume there were at all, but there's a real OP behind this thread who has been sexually assaulted so it's worth keeping that in mind.

Again please point out where I said ‘safer’! Respect and safety are two different words with two different meanings!

And I think about what I write before I write it so I have thought about what I’ve said!

And saying relationships are safer is definitely not what I was saying but anyways….. and it’s up to me whether or not I engage in casual sex! Hence the reason why I said I do not do it! And stated my MY reasons for not doing so! If other people want to have casual sex that’s up to them! I was not referring to safety at all, sorry if you thought I was!

@YetMoreNewBeginnings well I am happily married and not having these issues, so I am saying what worked for me.

If you are similarly happy with a man you hooked up with on occasion beforehand and now everythings rosy, good for you.

I am saying I would not entertain a man like this from the off.

I'm not sure I agree that men who engage in a friends with benefits situation are men who should be avoided. I consider myself to be a good person. I treat a friends with benefits partner with respect and care. I consider their feelings. Why can't some men?

You’re victim blaming someone who was sexually assaulted by a man she knew

We will have to agree to disagree on that one OP. I think a FWB man will turn out to be bad news eventually. That is the red flag to me, but not everyone will see that as an issue.

I am sorry this happened to you and I do not blame you for this incident (however some other people are wanting to take my posts)

Best of luck to you.

All this puts me right off even trying.

I don't want a relationship right now, but I'm worried about what might happen in something casual.

I had very nice mutually-fun casual sex in the past. Doesn't seem to be an option now.

I never got that far but when I was on old after meeting in a public place etc I had messages from men about second/third dates and they already were talking about what i consider to be rough on the next date when things progressed! Needless to say those dates never happened.

Dp though was the perfect gentleman and still is 3 years on, theres good 'Uns out there

He has assaulted you, the absolute bastard, I hope you heal soon.

I do think it’s a lot to do with porn getting more and more extreme and just same old male entitlement. Not just casual sex either- happens in relationships too. Because men. Not all obviously but enough of them to
sometimes make you feel like it might be

This is one reason where apart from recently I’ve only had dates with men but not gone further after eg 3 dates.

I dated a man about 2-3 years pre covid who was 7 years younger than me so eg 41 and I was 48. He was tall and during our first sex session he wanted to try anal, I just said no to that, also tried to pull my hair which I allowed once and then said don’t do that. With him I was quite experimental sexually but I could tell what he originally wanted came from porn.

I don’t think it is all down to 50 Shades of Grey to be honest, I think the amount of free porn sites have made it so mainstream so men want that and women give it to them. A friend of mine who’s a beauty therapist says lots of women she has as clients including younger ones go for not only Brazilians but Hollywoods too, ask for vajazzles and she told me a few have had boob jobs, butt implants, one had ribs removed to look slimmer and a few have had designer vaginas!

My current boyfriend he brought up anal and I just said no. He’s big in height and the other anyway so it would hurt. Anything else I just bring up at the start, eg what I do and don’t want.

I’d be tempted to report this man to the police though. It’s assault.

@gogohmm - where did you meet your partner?

I signed up to a dating agency and of course the bad reviews only appeared online after I had paid the fee...so I'm terrified even to try that.

"I even asked if girls are normally ok with this and he said young girls usually just go along with whatever and do t protest, which was so sad to me"

I think this is the heart of the matter.

Sadly younger women genuinely think that replicating porn and/or the desires of men they meet (whatever those desires look like) is "how to be sexy". The very act of refusing to do anything or be on the receiving end of whatever he wants to do is a form of resistance which is not submissiveness / submission so is not sexy. Younger women absolutely believe that taking anything (and I mean taking in the sense of being assaulted, hit, anal sex, rough sex, pushed around basically literally anything which is in porn - is them being sexy. And if they question it or refuse to do it it is not sexy. Millions and millions of women, especially younger women who are particularly desperate to be in a relationship of some sort with a man believe this.

They also believe that if they do all these things they will end up in a relationship with the man who is doing this to them.

If this is true, it's incredibly sad. I feel like some sort of national educational campaign is needed to push back against this.

I’ve been single about 3 years after a 25 year marriage and reading these sorts of posts make me wonder if I’m better off staying single forever.

I desperately missed sex more than I miss being in a relationship but I need a connection with someone to sleep with them - no judgement from me re anyone has casual sex - but I just couldn’t do it.

The dating world has changed beyond recognition for me and I wonder if I’m just too old for this world now