To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

Surely the time to mention it is when it happens?

And I don't believe this is a new issue and would put money on it being a recurrent problem and his inability to deal with it or discuss it is why all his other relationships have failed.

I understand from a psychologist friend who for many years specialised in sexual problems that this is a very, very common problem so neither of you should feel too embarrassed to talk about it. Therapy is available on the NHS, whether it is a medical or psychological problem.

>>And they certainly wouldn't indulge in loads of explicit PIV sex chat over the phone and then refuse to do it when they were actually in a position to do it for real.
Bit of a side issue but to me undermines your entire case. For this is surely a bizarre/dangerous thing to say. And actually highlights double standards.
So if I as a bloke have explicit sex chat with a woman online, on meeting her for a coffee in the real world I can fully expect to have sex with her?
Bizarre bizarre bizzare.

What you believe is your own narrative @Clymene . You have no evidence of anything he thinks or has done before.

You are determined that the OP should bin him without a second thought.

That might be your way of behaving if you ever find yourself with this situation, but it's not everyone's.

You told her you think he's gay @DeliciouslyDecadent

Ah, you're seeing that I listed that as ONE of several possible reasons.

He might be.

But unlike you, I believe in talking, not binning without having a conversation.

Well good for you. I have different boundaries

That was in response to @DeliciouslyDecadent

@ChiefWrangler - that's my belief yes. Based on my experience of men who've suffered from ED. The ones who talk about it openly are the ones who are surprised that it's happened. The ones who don't are the ones who've been avoiding admitting it's an issue for years.

@pendleflyer No, you can’t expect to have sex. If you meet up and both want it, however, you should be upfront if you can’t provide it, male or female.

Absolutely. I'm only drawing on my own experience. Isn't that what all of us are doing?

It’s quite a tease to have phone sex with someone a bunch of times telling you he’s going to do this and that then meet you to kiss and cuddle for two months, it’s quite deceiving in my book. A bit like telling you he’s taking you out for steak and wine and rounding up in Wendy’s.

Chat to him

@Sandra1984 I think it’s actually worse than that, it’s more like not telling them that you’re allergic to anything fancy and can’t ever eat it 🙈

I’m really quite torn after reading all these helpful replies. Part of me thinks if he has an issue then it’s not his fault and bloody hell, I’d hate myself if I discriminated against someone for something they can’t help. But part of me thinks, what the hell, why didn’t you tell me, did you think I was just- not going to notice??

@QueenAnnesLeftSock I'm on your side BUT for someone of 38 you come over as very slightly lacking in understanding at times here.

Why do you think this is an issue he's always had? (he may well have, but equally it may be something that is unique to the sexual dynamics of you and him.)

You've not said how many times you've seen him over the 2 months.
Once a week? More?
How soon did you get into bed?

Because I find it very difficult to imagine a man (who may have ED issues, for whatever reason) being open about that from Date 1 or the first time you got into bed.

Can you appreciate it may be something that has happened to him now and again? But not always. And that when it happens it sets up a vicious circle of being more and more anxious each time, and anxiety is what drives this.

You keep blaming him, but depending on how many times you and he have been to bed, you've had as much time as him to talk about it.

And you haven't.

But you expect him to even when it's probably far more difficult for him.

I expect he doesn't want to lose you. But admitting there is something wrong, leaves him open to rejection.

Why don't you arrange to see him and talk it over?

Boundaries or a hard, non-sympathetic, uncaring approach?😁

I wouldn't call this 'boundaries' anyway.

haven't you answered your own question then - the one you originally asked?

mm - two people together draw themselves into that sort of online talk. Though it can be liberating from certain repressive social norms (and free folk from getting into lots of quasi relationship chat when they are really looking for a sexual connection) I think a poster above refferred to the risks of this - when fantasy collides with certain realities. It's not unknown for women to do this in my very limited experience of online chat before meeting. In short, not necessarily a cynical tease - just folks being human.

PS - in case not clear - I think it is perfectly understandable in the real world if a bloke who had issues, of whatever degree, in this respect didn't mention this upfront.
For all sorts of reasons.
Also, I think some women, not saying you, think the female sexual response is a thing of infinite variable holy wonder. Male sexual response a big electrical switch.

@pendleflyer yes, having taken into account the responses here that reassured me I was not being unreasonable to feel let down that someone who talks about everything under the sun and who can be extremely graphic has not mentioned something this substantial.

@DeliciouslyDecadent I think it’s more that I am trying not to give away any details that would identify it, obviously he doesn’t read MN but you never know when posting which thread a lazy journalist will copy for Facebook or something, if it takes off! We’ve met up multiple times in public and he’s extremely affectionate and there is a lot of kissing, the very first time initiated by him. I’ve stayed over at his house a handful of times when we’ve had enough privacy. I’ve been trying not to make a big deal out of it, as the first couple of times I thought maybe it was just nerves after such a big build up, but now it’s been maybe 5 or 6 times and that’s too many not to say anything.

What I didn’t want to do was make it more about my feelings than about whatever the issue is, hence the AIBU first, but at the same time, I am feeling irked that he hasn’t said anything, and whilst I could be wrong, my instincts are saying that this is a medical thing. I just don’t believe a man keeps seeing you and messages all day and speaks on the phone for ages most days and does nice things and spends ages lying in bed kissing and stroking if he isn’t keen, esp an otherwise very outspoken one (he’s a Yorkshireman lol). It would be way easier to bin me off if he wasn’t bothered, surely 🤪🤪

A normal heterosexual man doesn’t spend hours on the phone engaging in sex talk, a healthy heterosexual male would rather ditch the “phone part” and go straight to your house… This man gets his sex Jolies hiding behind a screen but not IRL. This guy has some serious sex or intimacy issues and no intention to discuss them with you, he’s hoping you’ll go along with the ride or not notice. If they were medical issues he would have told you by know, the fact he’s keeping quiet tells me this is a serious intimacy problem here and you’re not the first woman going through this scenario.

@Sandra1984 I’m not disagreeing with everything you say, but he would come over any time, and would have met sooner if I didn’t have DC. It’s way too soon to introduce them. It’s also why I can’t spend the night there very often.

Now if this were pre DC, I’d have said exactly what you did, but actually it’s always me having to speak on the phone as DC are way too young to be left alone!

I think this bloke is just collecting wank fodder to enhance his porn experience