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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 13:26

What I was asking was whether I was being U to be miffed if he has an issue and didn’t mention it before getting extremely flirty

So you agree that it's not a convo to have by phone yet you expect him to mention it before he got flirty (which you say was by phone, along with phone sex.)

Completely unrealistic to expect a man to tell you something like this, surely, by phone or on the first date?

Also, you seem to always be going to see him (?) to stay over. Why can't he meet you for a drink or dinner, maybe half way ( 25 miles each) or he can grab a B&B if he didn't want to drive home.

You said he's super keen and would see you whenever you can.

ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 13:38

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 13:26

What I was asking was whether I was being U to be miffed if he has an issue and didn’t mention it before getting extremely flirty

So you agree that it's not a convo to have by phone yet you expect him to mention it before he got flirty (which you say was by phone, along with phone sex.)

Completely unrealistic to expect a man to tell you something like this, surely, by phone or on the first date?

Also, you seem to always be going to see him (?) to stay over. Why can't he meet you for a drink or dinner, maybe half way ( 25 miles each) or he can grab a B&B if he didn't want to drive home.

You said he's super keen and would see you whenever you can.

The convo op wants to have in person is 'wtf'?!

If the guy had said that 'I've got performance issues' on the phone, that would have been a normal convo.

No one forced him to say, "babe, the next time I see you, I'm going to shag you until you see stars!" Or whatever he was promising.

And if he didn't know it was an issue before, after the second time at the latest, he should have brought it up.p

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 14/06/2023 13:59

No one forced him to say, "babe, the next time I see you, I'm going to shag you until you see stars!" Or whatever he was promising

Exactly. I think this is why OP feels so weird. When she was none the wiser and they were on the phone talking about what they'd do to each other - only he knew he was lying. That's a really uncomfortable imbalance when you become aware of it.

If I was OP I'd feel manipulated into being sexually vulnerable without knowing it wasn't being reciprocated, or was capable of being reciprocated.

Snowy2022 · 14/06/2023 14:00

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 13:26

What I was asking was whether I was being U to be miffed if he has an issue and didn’t mention it before getting extremely flirty

So you agree that it's not a convo to have by phone yet you expect him to mention it before he got flirty (which you say was by phone, along with phone sex.)

Completely unrealistic to expect a man to tell you something like this, surely, by phone or on the first date?

Also, you seem to always be going to see him (?) to stay over. Why can't he meet you for a drink or dinner, maybe half way ( 25 miles each) or he can grab a B&B if he didn't want to drive home.

You said he's super keen and would see you whenever you can.

You have a very valid point about a half-way B&B and his 'keenest'. I agree.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 14:05

If the guy had said that 'I've got performance issues' on the phone, that would have been a normal convo.

You have some strange ideas of a normal phone conversation between people who have never met.

I assume you'd expect a woman to say 'Oh by the way, I have vaginimus/ dry vagina/ bit of a prolapse/ difficulty orgasming.'

Yeah, sure. Normal phone chat.

ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 14:14

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 14:05

If the guy had said that 'I've got performance issues' on the phone, that would have been a normal convo.

You have some strange ideas of a normal phone conversation between people who have never met.

I assume you'd expect a woman to say 'Oh by the way, I have vaginimus/ dry vagina/ bit of a prolapse/ difficulty orgasming.'

Yeah, sure. Normal phone chat.

They fell in love over the phone. They had all sorts of intimate discussions. It was a long distance relationship.

So yes. He could have said, 'I've got a problem surrounding performance issues. Can we talk face to face?'

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 14:49

They fell in love over the phone. They had all sorts of intimate discussions. It was a long distance relationship.

So yes. He could have said, 'I've got a problem surrounding performance issues. Can we talk face to face?'

There is nowhere the OP says they are in love.

I don't think you understand men at all.

ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 15:04

DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 14:49

They fell in love over the phone. They had all sorts of intimate discussions. It was a long distance relationship.

So yes. He could have said, 'I've got a problem surrounding performance issues. Can we talk face to face?'

There is nowhere the OP says they are in love.

I don't think you understand men at all.

In love' being used loosely.

They got to like each other well enough to talk for hours and go to bed together. Is that better.

Maybe I don't understand men at all.

But having an open/vulnerable conversation on the phone is something millions of people are happy to do.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 14/06/2023 18:40

Well - I didn’t expect him to mention it so much as I would expect someone who couldn’t do something not to be very graphic about doing it.

There’s a big difference. I don’t go on phone calls talking about my ability to do the splits for a reason!

OP posts:
DeliciouslyDecadent · 14/06/2023 21:08

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 14/06/2023 18:40

Well - I didn’t expect him to mention it so much as I would expect someone who couldn’t do something not to be very graphic about doing it.

There’s a big difference. I don’t go on phone calls talking about my ability to do the splits for a reason!

Do the words 'fantasise' and 'masturbation' mean anything to you @QueenAnnesLeftSock ?

Honestly, you are concluding a lot from your few meetings with him.

He's either got an anxiety issue or a medical one.

If it's the former, you simply don't know if it's with you (no criticism of you) or if it's occurred before.

As many of us have said, in this thread, it takes two to have a conversation. You've had time to start it on each occasion.

MsDee1995 · 14/06/2023 22:59

If he is good in all other ways, the best, and least embarrassing way to say it might be....
"Hey, I'm really enjoying spending time with you, but when I plan to spend the night (or evening, afternoon, or whatever...) with you, I was hoping for it to be a little more fulfilling, and expected that that would mean more than just cuddling. Do you not enjoy actual intercourse, because I notice that we never seem to get to that point, and that is very frustrating for me, especially with a person that I care for a lot, and hope to have a long term relationship with. If you don't feel the same, please let me know."

Adults cannot be afraid to have serious conversations with each other. Good luck to you both!

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 00:05

Yet another MN thread with a question about something that would be best revealed not by asking the pyschics of MN, but by speaking with the person it actually involves.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 15/06/2023 06:57

@myladydarbanville can I ask what question you think I asked?

because it absolutely wasn’t:

  • what is wrong with him if anything
  • does he like me enough
  • should I change my childcare arrangements and work shifts and social life and other commitments to see a man more quickly
  • is the relationship going anywhere

i asked one question about my own feelings on a topic before initiating a conversation with someone about something deeply personal…!

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 15/06/2023 08:03

Yet another MN thread with a question about something that would be best revealed not by asking the pyschics of MN, but by speaking with the person it actually involves.

@myladydarbanville What OP asked in the OP is whether she's reasonable to be annoyed. Effectively, whether we might be annoyed in her shoes. Of course that's a question to ask third parties, not the bloke.

'Hi lover, am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that you led me on?' Wouldn't make sense.

narrichi · 15/06/2023 08:38

Assuming he isn't celibate out of choice, or waiting for marriage -- the impotence is one thing. The lack of communication and lying through omission is another. The fact that he seems unable to even talk about it after two months would probably put me off the idea of a relationship.

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 08:38

The title of your AIBU was: AIBU To think new man should have told me has performance issures?

Perhaps he doesn't have performance issues, normally.

Perhaps he has not had intercourse in a while - perhaps since whatever illness/operation/recovery period - and did not know he would have performance issues.

Perhaps he fancies you more in the abstract but less so in person.

So he could hardly have warned you in any of these instances.

How can anyone else tell you how you should feel in these circumstances? You can feel whatever way you feel.

But also, surely how you feel about it all would be influenced by finding out what the actual situation is with his performance issues?

Any thoughts welcome

Clearly not! My thoughts are, as stated, you need to talk to him to find out what is going on. I would have thought the second time it happened might have been a good moment, but that is just my view.

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 15/06/2023 09:26

I think what you're essentially asking OP is:

'I'm uncomfortable that this man explicitly represented himself to be fully functioning sexually in order to get me to be sexual with him. I now realise this was a deliberate misrepresentation and I feel a bit violated. Are my feelings valid and am I allowed to call him out on it?'

My answer is yes.

I'm sorry you've had so very many replies shaming you for not centering his feelings and not taking responsibility for trying to fix whatever's wrong with him that he won't even acknowledge.

Honesty is critical to trust, which is critical to a healthy sexual relationship.

He's lied by omission about something that probably would have had an impact on whether you would have enthusiastically consented to phone sex. I don't blame you for feeling very conflicted about that and I think he owes you a conversation.

Clymene · 15/06/2023 10:06

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 15/06/2023 09:26

I think what you're essentially asking OP is:

'I'm uncomfortable that this man explicitly represented himself to be fully functioning sexually in order to get me to be sexual with him. I now realise this was a deliberate misrepresentation and I feel a bit violated. Are my feelings valid and am I allowed to call him out on it?'

My answer is yes.

I'm sorry you've had so very many replies shaming you for not centering his feelings and not taking responsibility for trying to fix whatever's wrong with him that he won't even acknowledge.

Honesty is critical to trust, which is critical to a healthy sexual relationship.

He's lied by omission about something that probably would have had an impact on whether you would have enthusiastically consented to phone sex. I don't blame you for feeling very conflicted about that and I think he owes you a conversation.

Beautifully put

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 10:35

He's lied by omission

That is an assumption. You don't know that.

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 11:23

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 10:35

He's lied by omission

That is an assumption. You don't know that.

Let's say it never happened before.

First time: everyone's nervous. Fine.

After the Second time:

  • He needs to say he's been to the GP And
  • This has never happened before. Can we try xyz.
  • I'm on a medication. This is one of the side effects they said might happen. I'm taking it for 6weeks/forever.

The fact that he's just tried to act as if nothing is weird suggests lying by omission.

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 11:28

The fact the OP has also just acted like it didn't happen is equally weird, in my view.

"I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room."

JerkintheMerkin · 15/06/2023 11:51

@JimnJoyce that's exactly what my ex did! Into BDSM (pleasure dom) to gloss over the fact that he had ED. Most perturbed to see bits of wool tied round his penis to keep it hard.

JimnJoyce · 15/06/2023 12:00

@JerkintheMerkin brilliant username and howling at the mental picture of the string.
I'm imagining a Fingerbobs mouse for some reason.
And I quite like a bit of BDSM but not when thats all its ever going to be

Thesharkradar · 15/06/2023 12:33

myladydarbanville · 15/06/2023 11:28

The fact the OP has also just acted like it didn't happen is equally weird, in my view.

"I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room."

I don't think it's all that weird, presumably this man has talked himself up and promised her lots of 'big hard penis action' (please excuse the phrase) this man according to her is very nice, kind, personable and so it would be inconceivable that he had deliberately lied about this.
She would have presumably felt some mixture of sorry for him, uncomfortable, embarrassed, confused. But given him the benefit of the doubt because he's such a nice guy and assumed it was a one-off ....and then when it turned out not to be a one-off it's harder to say anything because you didn't say anything the first time.
With hindsight she probably would have handled it differently but no one has the benefit of hindsight.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 15/06/2023 15:14

Well, to answer your question.....

YES you are being unreasonable.

Why?

Because you don't know if this is a long-standing issue or if it's new with you.

It may have only happened with you, the first time you tried to have sex.
And once it has, it's set up a pattern of anxiety and ED.

You are also being unreasonable to keep on seeing him with this pattern being repeated and not asking him why.

You are also being very unreasonable and not realistic to expect a man to admit to ED so soon when dating, especially if it's something that hasn't happened before, or not often.

You don't give the impression here that you have tried to communicate with him, offer him reassurance that 'it's okay, don't worry about it' the first time it occurred.

What may have been stage fright with you, have become a bigger issue the more you have dated.

I think you should stop asking who is 'unreasonable' as if this is some judge and jury situation, and start engaging with the emotions.