To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

[QueenAnnesLeftSock]

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

Can I give you a perspective from someone who has maybe been in the same position as your man.

I struggled with psychological ED for my teenage/early 20 years and can I just say it is mentally crippling; without wishing to be overly dramatic it does lead you to question your existence at times.

Physically there was nothing wrong, but it all started with a failed first attempt and then the anxiety of failure took over and it would be all I thought about ever time intimacy was about to happen. It got to the stage where I would find a way to break off every relationship before it got serious.

If your man is in the same position then having an awkward/sensitive conversation about it now could make all the difference. The treatments available now weren't available/assessable to me 30 years ago but could have given me the confidence to get over that first hurdle...

Just for the record I have now been married 20 years with two wonderful kids thanks to someone taking a chance with me...

Good luck!

Communicate better and work together to resolve the issue. There’s loads of options. He probably likes you so much he’s nervous and it’s psychological. There’s various pills, sex therapy. Ask if he can do it ok on his own. If he can, it’s defo psychological and very fixable. The irony is you could dump him him and find a sex stallion, but there’s much less chance they will tick all the other boxes that feel so right about this guy. A sex god could be be a serial cheat, sod’s Law. The key to any successful relationship is honest and regular communication about feelings. Good luck OP!

What id advise a friend to do- end it. If its this heavy and full on with issues 2 months in when you should be spending days in bed shagging eachothers brains out its doomed.

What id probably do- accidently fall for him and spend all my time trying to figure out how to solve all the problems for someone who doesn't want to help himself , until there's nothing left for me to give and then get dumped anyway when he decides its not worth the hassle for him to be in the relationship.

Get out before you are too emotionally involved and you sacrifice your wants and needs for someone who lied to you and/or doesn't care enough about you or himself to even make a phone call.

Yes this !

I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

You are equally guilty here OP!

You've got to talk.

Everyone is blaming this man for not being upfront, but you have had more than one chance to talk about it.

(I'm avoiding using ' bring it up'!)

I'm slightly surprised that he has got into bed with you (soon-ish?) in your relationship if he knows he has a long-standing (uh oh) problem.

He's taking a massive chance because he risks being hurt, ridiculed, all of that.

All you need say is 'something's not right, is it? Talk to me about it...'

The scenario is likely to be...

he's gay and can't come out

he's had an injury after his surgery

he's had a traumatic experience earlier with sex and he has an emotional issue

he's on medication or has some side effects from surgery (maybe bowel related)

he's got the 'princess and prostitute' syndrome, where he sees women as either creatures on a pedestal, or something to be shagged with no emotional involvement (look it up - it IS a known psychological issue.)

I don't agree at all with posters saying bin him. Not yet. You seem to have some strong feelings for this guy. FGS just start the conversation, then you will be a in position to make your decision.

@Whatwouldscullydo But the OP isn't trying to fix him. She's looking for the reason. Fixing it is what he will have to do, IF it's fixable. And she is already emotional involved- that horse has bolted.

How many do actually fix themselves though. Without having to be poked by their partners. Mn is full of women ( myself included at one point) whos partners would rather their lives and their woves suffered than call a dr or admit theres a problem. God my ex wouldn't see a dr about his snoring or give up drinking so often so we could actually ya know do something normal like share a bed.

We either feel pressure to pretend all os ok amd never mention it. Or become a nag trying to get them to help themselves.

But they never think to fix it befire they drag us down with them.

I think it’s that sort of natural embarrassment and innate Britishness that’s held me back so far. Then I started to wonder if I was approaching it the wrong way, because I was starting to think, you should have told me if this was going to be an issue. And if you didn’t know it was going to be an issue, then surely you would have said in surprise, uhhh sorry this has never happened before.

And everything else is so nice, he’s bloody good at all the other stuff, easily the best kisser I’ve met in years, all that.

@DeliciouslyDecadent He’s got more free time than I do because of the DC so he’s always keen to meet up when I can manage it; he always wants me to stay over or stay longer. It’s such a shame there’s this fly in the ointment, as otherwise it’s all great. But it’s a pretty big fly (another not euphemism!).

It is not the OP's problem to fix.

Women do not have to fix men's problems, especially men we barely know. Men are adults and can and should fix their own problems.

If you choose to be a woman who takes on responsibility for the health problems of men, that's your prerogative but please don't urge other women to do the same.

But there is a huge leap between 'fixing' something and asking why it's there in the first place!

If as a woman, you really like a man and this issue arises , then it's surely fine to have a discussion about 'why'?

It's not as if she's going out to buy a cock ring, or Viagra, or making him an appt with a therapist or a GP, is it?

She wants to know what's going on then she can decide what to do next.

If this was the other way round and it was the woman who was avoiding PIV sex, the advice to a man would be 'talk to her'. Not 'she's clearly frigid/has issues, so run for the hills.

but have you seen fraggle's fridge?

But why should she have to ask @DeliciouslyDecadent? He knows he can't get it up. And by making her worry about how to broach this delicate and touchy subject, he's making it her problem.

I would say exactly the same if the situation were reversed incidentally but I'm pretty sure most women would start the conversation if they weren't able to have PIV sex for whatever reason. And they certainly wouldn't indulge in loads of explicit PIV sex chat over the phone and then refuse to do it when they were actually in a position to do it for real. The OP thought they were discussing something that was going to actually happen, not a fantasy.

Are you sure he hasn't mentioned anything indirectly? he seems comfortable with you knowing its not happening, he sees you seeing and being "OK" with it, and he feels no need to apologise or blame or explain.

I'm not gaslighting you, I'm just wondering if there anything he might have said indirectly about sex early on where he THINKS he'd been clear, he absolutely hasn't of course, but maybe he thinks you know and accept more that you do?

So talk about after the op or last break up etc?

I>>f this was the other way round and it was the woman who was avoiding PIV sex, the advice to a man would be 'talk to her'. Not 'she's clearly frigid/has issues, so run for the hills.
Exactly. A profound lack of empathy and double standards in some of the replies.
Line up the profound insights now - sex pest, not women's role to be a sextoy for a man, pervert, he has no empathy etc etc - whole list.

All the best with this OP - whatever happens.

she is already emotional involved- that horse has bolted.

Yes but there are degrees of emotional involvement. It's not like she's been with him for 2 years or something.

Depends if he has ever had them before surely? Maybe he really likes you and is getting anxious about the whole thing, which can make things really hard.

Or not, as the case may be!

@SleepingStandingUp he’s been pretty explicit verbally about what he wants to do/is going to do. There was definitely no caveat of “so long as it’s all just over the phone, babe!”

But why should she have to ask @DeliciouslyDecadent? He knows he can't get it up. And by making her worry about how to broach this delicate and touchy subject, he's making it her problem.

@Clymene She doesn't have to ask. If she took your advice, she'd walk away. He's not making her worry about it. No one can control someone else's thoughts. That's a ridiculous idea that he's making her worry. It's her choice over how to react.

Some of the lack of sensitivity and emotional intelligence on this thread is mind blowing. Men are extremely sensitive about their potency and it appears many women just don't understand that.

Yes, in an ideal world, he would be upfront and say he has a problem.
But maybe, each time, he is hoping it will be okay. And it isn't. So he avoids talking about it and hoping that next time it will be ok.

OR maybe he is desperate for the OP to ask as he finds it too difficult.

People are not perfect @Clymene . No matter how you think they should behave , they don't always.

Caring people like to understand the 'why' before walking away, especially if they are attracted to the other person and hope things may improve.

He must be so embarrassed about this. I’d have a face to face chat and ask what medical advice he had sought so far. Then see what he’s willing to do moving forward. If he’s not willing to do anything then I would end the relationship.

I feel quite sorry for him. This might be performance anxiety at the start of the relationship and he is now too worried about it happening again to risk it.
Rather than getting annoyed about whether or not he's been honest, I think a bit of communication about whether this is a temporary or chronic issue would be more useful.

And am I being childish to snort everytime someone writes 'you need to raise it with him...'? 🙄

YABU for whinging about a relationship of only two months to which you have no moral or ethical obligations. Bin him off and move on

😂 red flags all round