Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new man should have told me he has performance issues

406 replies

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 09/06/2023 09:41

i’d just like to start by saying that this isn’t about the performance issues, I will use the sex board for that. It’s about whether IaBU to be annoyed or disappointed that he didn’t tell me about it. I wanted to ask here first so I don’t dive in with both feet and make him feel worse than he prob already does.

background: I’m 38. A while ago I met a guy online, not through a dating site, more a friend of a friend type situ. He’s 38 and never been married nor as far as I can tell has he really had a very serious relationship. We started off chatting as part of a larger group and then it went to private emails and then phone calls. He is brilliant, a lovely man, and even though I was worried that the remote stuff wouldn’t be real it was all actually better when we met in person. So far so good right!

but the thing is we’d got very flirty before meeting, lots of chat about what we wanted to do, that sort of thing. Only when I stayed over for the first time, it just wasn’t happening. It’s been about 2 months now, we’ve spent the night together several times and he just can’t, there’s nothing happening down there at all. I haven’t said anything, I’ve just tried various things and then it’s just moved back to kissing and talking and we haven’t discussed it but it’s becoming a real elephant in the room.

So I don’t want to be but I can’t deny now I’m feeling a bit fed up, we’ve spent so many hours talking about everything under the sun and describing stuff in detail, and now I feel that he was maybe sitting there knowing all along that he wouldn’t be able to do it. I think I need to come to terms with how I feel about this before I tackle the topic with him so i don’t make it alllll about me, if that makes sense.

To summarize aIBU to be pissed off that for months i thought we were sharing our deepest secrets and sexy chat when he was keeping something hidden and must have known it was going to be difficult or impossible to do what was being described?

Any thoughts welcome 🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 12/06/2023 12:15

Ha, I think anyone could find hotter porn material than a 38 year old frazzled mother.

OP posts:
UpshotCrow · 12/06/2023 12:17

What do you think he is getting out of the experience(s), @QueenAnnesLeftSock?

WisherWood · 12/06/2023 12:21

I’m really quite torn after reading all these helpful replies. Part of me thinks if he has an issue then it’s not his fault and bloody hell, I’d hate myself if I discriminated against someone for something they can’t help. But part of me thinks, what the hell, why didn’t you tell me, did you think I was just- not going to notice??

Well, in case it helps, my experience of dating someone with ED was really not good, not because of the ED but because of his failure to deal with it. You can have all the sympathy and empathy you like, but if someone won't tackle their problems, there's nothing you can do to help them. And in the end, the whole thing affected my self-esteem really badly.

I do think his failure to talk about this is far more of an issue than the ED itself. If he'd said, once it was apparent it was an issue with you, 'look, I have this problem. I'm doing X and Y about it' that would be very different. Instead, it seems like you're going to have to coax him through this and help him fix it. Now it might, just might, be worth doing this. But basically you are dating someone who's reaction to problems is to hide rather than deal with them. That for me does not bode well for the future.

So I would definitely talk to him, to satisfy myself more than anything. But based on my previous experience, I would be going into that talk prepared to end things. Not because of his ED but because he can't talk about difficult topics and then it becomes your responsibility, and that's the kicker.

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:21

UpshotCrow · 12/06/2023 12:17

What do you think he is getting out of the experience(s), @QueenAnnesLeftSock?

Plenty: affection, love, attention, validation, wank fodder etc…

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:23

Seems like the OP is investing all her money in this car that looks incredible but lacks the driving wheel.

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:25

man Who sold her the car had long conversations with her about all the places he was going to drive her but forgot mentioning there was no driving wheel.

DonnaBanana · 12/06/2023 12:27

Part of me thinks if he has an issue then it’s not his fault and bloody hell, I’d hate myself if I discriminated against someone for something they can’t help

I don’t really get that train of thought. If he had said three months into the relationship that he’s schizophrenic or something then it’s hardly discrimination if you think you know what I’m off because I can’t handle that. When it’s your life being impacted, you are free to discriminate as to who you date.

Thesharkradar · 12/06/2023 12:29

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:25

man Who sold her the car had long conversations with her about all the places he was going to drive her but forgot mentioning there was no driving wheel.

Aka the classic 'bait and switch' manoeuver, maybe he's got a nice friend who could come along and do the fucking part?

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:34

Thesharkradar · 12/06/2023 12:29

Aka the classic 'bait and switch' manoeuver, maybe he's got a nice friend who could come along and do the fucking part?

Show quote history

Sounds like fun :-)

Sandra1984 · 12/06/2023 12:39

…Problem is he hasn’t even come up with that solution, maybe the OP should come up to him with that suggestion?

Mischance · 12/06/2023 12:46

The problem here is not his impotence; it is the fact that you do not seem able to talk together about it.

"it’s his private business" - no it isn't - it is the business of both of you if you are both planning a relationship.

Stop being so coy ... "I'm really sorry you are impotent - I would like to have a normal sex life with you - is there some way we can find to improve this situation?" Depending on his response, you can decide how you wish to proceed.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 12/06/2023 13:16

I don't think this is Mail fodder @QueenAnnesLeftSock . Far too tame considering something like 40% of men over 40 have ED problems (yes, he's not 40 but the same applies.)

Please, instead of posting here, GO AND MEET HIM.

Be impulsive and suggest a meeting, for a drink or whatever, but engineer it so you can ask him about this.

To get back to basics on it all....

1 He has either had this issue for ages and knows about it ( and therefore he was BU not to mention it on some of the occasions when you got physical.)

Or

2 He's not had the problem for ages and it's unique to the dynamics of you two. (not meaning there is anything wrong with you.)

Or

3 It's something that happens now and then, and he's hoped all along that it will get better (by ignoring it) and not making it a 'thing' (ie talking point.)

I know this is an extreme example, but if someone met a guy online and he turned up and was only 5' tall and had given the impression he was 6' that would be unreasonable.

Same if someone was in a wheelchair, had one limb missing, or any other disability.

This issue however may depend on who he's with and how anxious or not he feels. He is able to get an erection so it's not as if the wires have been cut.

You're spending a lot of time mulling it over here whereas the only person who can help you solve this AIBU is him.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 12/06/2023 13:17

The problem here is not his impotence; it is the fact that you do not seem able to talk together about it.

Yes^^

WombatChocolate · 12/06/2023 14:04

Lots of people don’t want to talk…they just want to have sex. That’s their prerogative, but the reality is that some good sex and possibly more than just sex is missed out on, due to failure to communicate.

It’s too easy to blame the other person for not communicating and forget to recognise your own role in not raising issues…communication is 2-way.

OhForFucksFuckingSake · 12/06/2023 15:26

So when you had phone sex, was he giving the impression that he was masturbating and ejaculating?

Because if so, that is really weird and I can understand why you'd feel very unnerved by that. It's a bit of a violation isn't it, to know he's got you all hot and heavy on the end of the line and he's just sitting there faking.

Rustyrawr · 12/06/2023 16:09

It might be something medical that he’s just not known about or shared with you yet.

maybe be gentle but ask.

my other half was on meds that made thing temperamental down there it was annoying when we first got together but we spoke about it, I understood then we moved past it.

he also wasn’t married or had a serious relationship (he was in a short but abusive relationship years ago so he was healing for a long time) before that don’t mean anything just maybe take time to find out exactly what’s going on he might want to just wait until your official etc?

Outofthepark · 12/06/2023 16:10

If he's gorgeous and a lovely guy in every other way, I'd persevere. He might be so into you and too shit scared of saying anything for fear of getting dumped or something. Which is terrible coping skills but not the worst sin in the world!

If it were me I'd say look, we know we're having issues having sex, ED is common, there are options to treat it now, I want to have sex with you and I'm really on for helping you get it treated, if you'd like me to help? Be open and honest, that's the best way.

If it turns out he won't even face it then definitely dump him, or if it's because of a porn addiction or something then obviously also dump him, but the poor guy might just have unexplained ED and it could be killing his ability to ever have a relationship. Who knows there might be a way of treating it. It's worth a shot.

lilkitten · 12/06/2023 17:58

I'm polyamorous, and whereas we had never had any problems together he did find he had problems with new partners. We knew it wasn't a physical thing, clearly psychological, but it got better, and once it did his confidence soared as he's not had any problems since. However, he did tell new partners about this so as not to disappoint or get their hopes up.

Snowy2022 · 12/06/2023 20:59

@DeliciouslyDecadent 'Please, instead of posting here, GO AND MEET HIM.'

SPOT ON. No meeting and loads excuses for the man. It is clear OP is scared to find out the truth which SUITS him to a t. His approach of hide and manoeuvre has/ is paying off.

@QueenAnnesLeftSock you are clearly very invested in him. So why delaying the meet up? Fear?

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 13/06/2023 11:45

@Snowy2022 the small matter of little children who need me at home? They are a bit more important to me than any fellow, you know! I have them most of the time and so I have very little available time to travel 50 miles to spend the night, and I am not ready to introduce them yet, meaning that he can’t stay here.

As I said upthread, I am staying there in a week or so.

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 13/06/2023 12:14

QueenAnnesLeftSock · 13/06/2023 11:45

@Snowy2022 the small matter of little children who need me at home? They are a bit more important to me than any fellow, you know! I have them most of the time and so I have very little available time to travel 50 miles to spend the night, and I am not ready to introduce them yet, meaning that he can’t stay here.

As I said upthread, I am staying there in a week or so.

Why would you go to stay before you've had a conversation about the sex? You can talk on the phone.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 13/06/2023 13:17

Because I’d rather do it face to face. Phone calls and texts are too impersonal and leave too much room for misunderstanding. I want to look him in the eye and hear what he has to tell me.

Whatever some posters want to read into it, the AIBU was never about the actual sex
or lack thereof. I’m very clear on what I want, and I’m not here to defend myself on that.

What I was asking was whether I was being U to be miffed if he has an issue and didn’t mention it before getting extremely flirty, as I would have left my feelings on that out of the discussion if people had said, “Way to make it all about you.” But nobody has! @OhForFucksFuckingSake has nailed that feeling well.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 13/06/2023 13:54

I agree with OP, this is a conversation to be had face to face, a text stating “why can’t you get it up?” It’s just not a good idea, it’s a sensitive topic.

WisherWood · 13/06/2023 19:01

Yes. It's an awkward conversation and definitely one better had face to face, so you can pick up on all nuances and mannerisms.

It's more difficult dating when children are involved. And this is not a soap opera where the next instalment is due.

Original poster
QueenAnnesLeftSock · 14/06/2023 11:56

@WisherWood thank you!!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread