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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let nanny do this ?

147 replies

MILha · 09/06/2023 09:31

Nanny has been with us several months now. She looks after our two small children. Older one is at nursery most days and younger one is at home with nanny all of the days.

She asked to go and visit her family for the day next week and wants to take my kids. It's an hour drive away and I don't know her family.

Would others who have had a nanny be ok with this ?

She's taken my kids to nearby softplay / the park / for lunch with her boyfriend/ a friend/ her grandma.

I don't love it, as i don't know the people she's meeting with. It's happened a few times but I haven't been massively comfortable with it I don't know if I'm being too much. I don't mind so much in softplay, as she will need a hand with both of them ( but I would rather know who she's going with ).

I think taking the kids an hour away to go into homes of people I don't know is a bit problematic for me. I know they're her family, but I am not comfortable with it.

Is this me being too much ?

OP posts:
TakingTheLowRoad · 09/06/2023 09:46

No I wouldn't allow it - but I wouldn't be happy with her bringing your children to socialise with her boyfriend/grandma either.

Safeguarding aside (not allowing your children to visit people you don't know is a no brainer), imagine you employed her in an office and, during her paid time, she asked to meet people for a meal or go visit her family. Would you be ok paying her to socialise? She is your employee, and like all other employees, they ought to expect to work during their work hours and socialise when they're not at work! She's taking the piss even asking IMO.

PleasantOwl · 09/06/2023 09:47

No, I wouldn’t OP.

Nordicrain · 09/06/2023 09:49

No. I wouldn't have allowed all the other stuff either. This is her work time, which i assume you are paying her for, not her time to socialise. It's not exactly great fun for your kids to go for lunch with her boyfriend is it?

Nordicrain · 09/06/2023 09:49

I assume she has annual leave or weekends she can spend doing this stuff?

Overthebow · 09/06/2023 09:50

No I wouldn’t allow this. You don’t know the people and as she is working her full attention should be on your DC, not her family.

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:52

No, I wouldn't. This is supposed to be her job. Her priority should be looking after your children, not fitting them in around her social life.

cyncope · 09/06/2023 09:54

No I wouldn't.

I wouldn't like her meeting up with her boyfriend in work time either. Playdates with other nannies or mums - fine.

SummerInSun · 09/06/2023 09:54

Not after a few months, no. If she'd been working with you for many years and felt like one of the family and her family was keen to see the kids she spends so much time with, maybe.

More generally, it feels a bit like she is trying to find other ways to entertain herself while what she's supposed to be doing is entertaining the kids. Obviously we all do that to some extent when we have kids but this is her paid job. If she wants more adult company I'd expect her to be taking the kids to activities and the playground and chatting to the caters of the kids your children are playing with / near.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 09:57

Ok everyone thank you. I was feeling Bad and like i was being too much or something.

The boyfriend accompanied her to the garden centre / softplay / lunch. I was actually feeling less stressed about it, because I felt that she would be able to control the kids better in case my older one runs off.

But I'll not allow it from now on either. She took the little one to meet her friend for lunch who also has a baby.

From now on, just play dates / meetings with other nannies and kids or mums I know !

OP posts:
Wicksytricksy · 09/06/2023 09:59

No, she's at work. I don't take my kids to the office, I'm at work. This is what weekends and annual leave is for.

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 10:02

No, of course not. When I’ve nannied it never occurred to me to take my charges out for lunch with my husband or to visit my family members. It’s totally inappropriate - you’re paying her to basically do things she wants to do with your kids dragged along with her. You could hire a teen babysitter for that. A nanny is a specialist child carer. She should be caring for your kids and doing her job. Visiting family and going out with her boyfriend are activities she should do on her day off from work.

StrawberryWater · 09/06/2023 10:04

Absolutely not! You don’t know these people. Put a stop to it.

Also have a word about her professionalism. When I was a nanny I wouldn’t have dreamt about taking the kids to my friends house / to my boyfriends / to family / or general people you haven’t met. The only other people I met up with while working were other nanny’s and friends with kids and the only places we went were the play park, beach, soft play and museums.

If she’s struggling with two kids then she needs to speak up and tell you so you can find a new nanny (and quite frankly I’d be looking for one anyway).

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:04

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 10:02

No, of course not. When I’ve nannied it never occurred to me to take my charges out for lunch with my husband or to visit my family members. It’s totally inappropriate - you’re paying her to basically do things she wants to do with your kids dragged along with her. You could hire a teen babysitter for that. A nanny is a specialist child carer. She should be caring for your kids and doing her job. Visiting family and going out with her boyfriend are activities she should do on her day off from work.

You have a good point. That's why I didn't choose a child minder because all the ones I went to see would just drag my kids along to all their kids activities / school drop offs and pick ups and I wasn't keen on that.

OP posts:
BellaJuno · 09/06/2023 10:06

Clymene · 09/06/2023 09:52

No, I wouldn't. This is supposed to be her job. Her priority should be looking after your children, not fitting them in around her social life.

100% this. It’d be a no for me, she’s paid to focus on her job, not being paid by you while doing stuff she should do in her free time.

Carrusa · 09/06/2023 10:06

I'm confused by your comment that it's ok in softplay because you know she'll need a hand. It's not normal for someone paid to look after 2 kids to draft in a random family member to take one child while she does the other. That means essentially you're accepting/expecting that one child is separated from the nanny at times and looked after by the relative.

One adult 2 kids in softplay should be fine, parents do it all the time, unless either child has very specialist needs.

To me it's a clear "no" to them going to relative's house. You might find your nanny then "happens to bump into them" in a park.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:07

StrawberryWater · 09/06/2023 10:04

Absolutely not! You don’t know these people. Put a stop to it.

Also have a word about her professionalism. When I was a nanny I wouldn’t have dreamt about taking the kids to my friends house / to my boyfriends / to family / or general people you haven’t met. The only other people I met up with while working were other nanny’s and friends with kids and the only places we went were the play park, beach, soft play and museums.

If she’s struggling with two kids then she needs to speak up and tell you so you can find a new nanny (and quite frankly I’d be looking for one anyway).

So glad I asked. Thanks for your perspective.

I haven't been comfortable with it. She only has two of them one day a week and during school holidays.

OP posts:
HaveWeGotAnyCake · 09/06/2023 10:08

You could either say yet, and let your kids go with the nanny to see her family, OR give her the day off and let her go alone, OR say no, she can't have the time off.

I think the 2nd option would be best - but will you be able to look after your own kids for that day?

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 10:10

Is she a trained nanny @MILha ? It certainly doesn't sound like it. I would give her notice and find someone else. We can't afford a Nanny, but my DB and SiL have a live in nanny and they would do none of those things. It's a safeguarding issue.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:12

Carrusa · 09/06/2023 10:06

I'm confused by your comment that it's ok in softplay because you know she'll need a hand. It's not normal for someone paid to look after 2 kids to draft in a random family member to take one child while she does the other. That means essentially you're accepting/expecting that one child is separated from the nanny at times and looked after by the relative.

One adult 2 kids in softplay should be fine, parents do it all the time, unless either child has very specialist needs.

To me it's a clear "no" to them going to relative's house. You might find your nanny then "happens to bump into them" in a park.

My kids are 1 and 3. I just felt that it was a little bit safer for her to go to a softplay ( I haven't been to ) with her friend, in case the older one runs off. I have massive anxiety about her losing one of my kids somehow. I personally would struggle myself at a big softplay that was unfamiliar to me with both of them. I'm happy for her to go to small soft plays I know with both of them.

She was going to one i didn't know and she didn't know, so when she said her sister was coming that time, I was relieved.

I tried going to the trampoline park recently with both on my own. The trampoline park also has a softplay and it really stressed me out when I couldn't see my older child sometimes when she was in the huge softplay - never again on my own. Perhaps this is my issue / anxiety, but I need to be able to see my kids at all times and in some soft plays you can't.

OP posts:
Helenloveslee4eva · 09/06/2023 10:13

Old fashioned 2p
my childminder auntie fully assimilated youngest into her family.
you test is now 24 and has a while other family age still visits and loves.

Nevermind31 · 09/06/2023 10:14

No. What the nanny does should be for the benefit of the children. 2 hours in a car to visit people they don’t know is not.
she should not take them to homes of people you don’t know.
her boyfriend should not help her control your children (has he been DBS checked?)

snowydays10 · 09/06/2023 10:17

No I wouldn’t allow this. My nanny occasionally takes my DC our with her children if it’s school holidays or her mum if she is visiting. But I have met them all, they’ve been to my house and feel comfortable with it after meeting them. An hour away also seems too far, it’s blurring the border between nanny and mum…

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:20

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 10:10

Is she a trained nanny @MILha ? It certainly doesn't sound like it. I would give her notice and find someone else. We can't afford a Nanny, but my DB and SiL have a live in nanny and they would do none of those things. It's a safeguarding issue.

She's level 3 qualified in child care and has all relevant child health and safety / CPR certification. First nanny job for her, but a lot of experience in nurseries ( she was deputy manager and room leader at differing times at her last nursery ) and has a lot of experience baby sitting.

OP posts:
Jellycats4life · 09/06/2023 10:21

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 10:10

Is she a trained nanny @MILha ? It certainly doesn't sound like it. I would give her notice and find someone else. We can't afford a Nanny, but my DB and SiL have a live in nanny and they would do none of those things. It's a safeguarding issue.

Wondering the same.

I can’t imagine a professional nanny thinking it’s OK to hang out with family, friends or boyfriends during working hours.

minipie · 09/06/2023 10:22

I’ll be completely honest, this would have me looking for a new nanny. Especially on top of the boyfriend/grandma visits.

She doesn’t seem to have the attitude that her job is to do what is best for the DC rather than what is best for her. If she wants adult company (completely understandable!!) or finds outings easier with another adult, I’d be expecting her to make nanny friends with similar age charges via playgroups, meet up with your eldest’s nursery friends and their parents/nannies, etc.

There’s also the safety issue - if she socialises at houses with other small children then at least things will likely have been childproofed etc whereas that may not be the case at her family’s. I’d be worried about her being so busy catching up with family that she wouldn’t be paying your DC much attention.

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