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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let nanny do this ?

147 replies

MILha · 09/06/2023 09:31

Nanny has been with us several months now. She looks after our two small children. Older one is at nursery most days and younger one is at home with nanny all of the days.

She asked to go and visit her family for the day next week and wants to take my kids. It's an hour drive away and I don't know her family.

Would others who have had a nanny be ok with this ?

She's taken my kids to nearby softplay / the park / for lunch with her boyfriend/ a friend/ her grandma.

I don't love it, as i don't know the people she's meeting with. It's happened a few times but I haven't been massively comfortable with it I don't know if I'm being too much. I don't mind so much in softplay, as she will need a hand with both of them ( but I would rather know who she's going with ).

I think taking the kids an hour away to go into homes of people I don't know is a bit problematic for me. I know they're her family, but I am not comfortable with it.

Is this me being too much ?

OP posts:
snowydays10 · 09/06/2023 10:22

Also I do understand your worry that one child will run off. I’m the same, which is why I’m happy when my nanny brings her mum along but she was a nanny too and I’ve met her. I don’t think I would feel comfortable if it was a boyfriend I hadn’t met, but my nanny also wouldn’t do this.

minipie · 09/06/2023 10:23

Ah ok just seen it’s her first nanny job. Well maybe you’re going to need to explain the expectations to her a bit. Is it your first nanny, guessing so?

Carrusa · 09/06/2023 10:23

MILha · 09/06/2023 10:12

My kids are 1 and 3. I just felt that it was a little bit safer for her to go to a softplay ( I haven't been to ) with her friend, in case the older one runs off. I have massive anxiety about her losing one of my kids somehow. I personally would struggle myself at a big softplay that was unfamiliar to me with both of them. I'm happy for her to go to small soft plays I know with both of them.

She was going to one i didn't know and she didn't know, so when she said her sister was coming that time, I was relieved.

I tried going to the trampoline park recently with both on my own. The trampoline park also has a softplay and it really stressed me out when I couldn't see my older child sometimes when she was in the huge softplay - never again on my own. Perhaps this is my issue / anxiety, but I need to be able to see my kids at all times and in some soft plays you can't.

Show quote history

I don't think you're at all unreasonable or overanxious not wanting to let a 3 year old out of your sight! But when they are so little isn't it a case of taking them to places you can manage them safely? When we went to softplay at that age (and we did a lot, because we were selling our house and needed to be out for viewings at witching hour) we went to one with a 0-3 area so older one could be safely contained, or the tiny leisure centre one which was all in one space with a single entrance.

If your nanny can't take them safely to a venue then they don't need to go to that venue yet. They have so many years ahead to go on bigger and better outings as they get more independent.

Babsexxx · 09/06/2023 10:26

No way! How unprofessional 😳

Carrusa · 09/06/2023 10:26

I guess my bigger point is, is she planning appropriate activities for them that she can execute safely? Why does she need to be pushing your boundaries on where they go, so much so that it looks reasonable for her to draft in her sister?

Bonjovispjs · 09/06/2023 10:27

I've been a nanny for years and it wouldn't ever cross my mind to do this. The only friends I see during work hours are other nannies and childminders for playdates, which my bosses are keen for me to do so the children can socialise. She needs to see her family/friends/boyfriend on her own time. Also, a professional nanny should be able to cope with two young kids alone, no matter where they are.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:27

minipie · 09/06/2023 10:23

Ah ok just seen it’s her first nanny job. Well maybe you’re going to need to explain the expectations to her a bit. Is it your first nanny, guessing so?

I had a nanny before. But it was also her first nanny job. She only looked after my older one when she was around 1 and took her to the park mostly. I think once she bumped into her friend, but that was it. She never asked to go anywhere etc.

OP posts:
Time4achangeagain · 09/06/2023 10:31

I wouldn’t have a problem with her visiting the friend who also has a baby. Can’t see the difference between that and a play date with another nanny and baby. You won’t know them either. No to the meetups wuth other relatives and boyfriend

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:32

Carrusa · 09/06/2023 10:26

I guess my bigger point is, is she planning appropriate activities for them that she can execute safely? Why does she need to be pushing your boundaries on where they go, so much so that it looks reasonable for her to draft in her sister?

She takes them to a couple of play groups which I'm really happy about. After the play group she takes them out for lunch and then they come home.

She drafted in her sis/ boyfriend a couple of times during the Easter holidays.

I think she finds it difficult to entertain both kids at home. Which I can understand. We have a long summer coming up where my older one is at home all the time and I'm not sure how we are going to manage that.

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 09/06/2023 10:38

If she can't manage 2 kids at soft play by herself, or can't entertain them at home then she shouldn't be a nanny.
It sounds like shes better suited to a nursery role in the company of other adults.

Mydustymonstera · 09/06/2023 10:38

Have any of these friends / family been dbs checked? Have u even met them? No way would I be happy with any of this. She is employed to care for your children her focus should be entirely on them and the activities should be child centred and designed to develop their abilities and interests.
I wouldn’t be taking 1 & 3 yr old to massive soft plays that’s a good age group for the small contained ones where u can see both at all times.
a wee walk to the park. The library. Playgroup. The shops for baking ingredients then making something. Not sitting in a car for 2 hours to wait while nanny chats to her family!

Sundaystorm · 09/06/2023 10:40

She’s shouldn’t be exposing your children to anyone you don’t know. If she’s meeting her boyfriend for lunch she should be doing it on her own times. She’s not your children first at all. I would be looking for a new nanny.

MrsMikeDrop · 09/06/2023 10:44

Probably not initially, but would later on. I'd assume a nanny is part of the family and so nice that your kids are also part of hers.

onedone · 09/06/2023 10:48

I was a nanny pre having my own child and for a while after.
I wouldn't dream of taking the children to visit my family - I'm at work; not on holiday!
After having my own child in the summer my child came with me to work (6 weeks holidays) but only because she was the same age as the older child and they played together - this was at the request of the child and her mum - and I did whatever with the baby while with the older ones.

If she can't manage 2 children (in soft play or wherever) then maybe the job isn't for her.
I bumped into someone I know at playgroup and it became a weekly event - but the children were already playing and we made it a picnic lunch afterwards.

I think you need to sit down and explain to her that work is work and whatever you expect her to be doing with the children - library / playgroup / park etc.
I'd also stop the boyfriend etc going to soft play.

Season0fTheWitch · 09/06/2023 10:52

A nanny, childminder or anyone working with kids should be able to care for 2 children 1 and 3 yo. If she needs help to do her job you need to employ a second nanny. Or find someone who can actually do their job. It's concerning you allow her to take your children out with strangers. I'd be more worried about this than one running off!

standardduck · 09/06/2023 10:54

I think I would look for a new nanny. It doesn't sound like it's a good fit.

She should be able to handle 2 kinds under 3.

I would be not okay with her visiting her family or taking the kids out for lunch with her friends / boyfriend. It's not professional.

iloveruby · 09/06/2023 10:57

Helenloveslee4eva · 09/06/2023 10:13

Old fashioned 2p
my childminder auntie fully assimilated youngest into her family.
you test is now 24 and has a while other family age still visits and loves.

Similar experience when I was a child - I remember loving to visit my nanny's family who made a real fuss of me and my little sister went to stay for a weekend.

I understand why you wouldn't be keen if she has only be working for you for a short period but in principle I wouldn't mind at all and think it could be a nice experience for your children.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 10:57

MrsMikeDrop · 09/06/2023 10:44

Probably not initially, but would later on. I'd assume a nanny is part of the family and so nice that your kids are also part of hers.

That was my thinking initially tbh. Her grandma really enjoyed her time with the kids and always asks after them apparently.

I have told her that I'd be happy to come and meet her family if she'd like, but otherwise I would rather they stayed home. I also offered for her to have the day off and see her family.

I have not addressed the softplay situation but next time I will just suggest the soft plays I'm comfortable her going to by herself.

She hasn't actually seen a family member or friend / boyfriend with my kids for about a month now, so I'm hoping the novelty has worn off and it won't come up again.

OP posts:
PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 11:04

She is not a nanny, @MILha . Working in nurseries is very different. You need to tell her what you expect from her in this role. How is she in terms of being in your home? Does she respect boundaries there.

OhBling · 09/06/2023 11:05

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that personally, I'd have no problem with this. Possibly if it was regular - not least becuase it IS a long drive and also becuase a nanny should be doing child-centred activities a lot - but broadly, I think the thing about a nanny is that they often act as a sort of parent so taking them along to meet broader family or friends is actually a benefit. Children benefit from other adults in their lives and from different places and experiences.

Our nanny often used to meet up with other nannies or friends who had kids of a similar age and she now and again took DD to her mum's house because DD loved playing with her mum's dogs and she only worked for us 2 short days a week.

My sister's nanny, who worked long hours for her, took the kids all over the place and they developed great relationships with her extended family. In fact, the nanny took the boys, at her request, camping for a long weekend with her family once. They all had an absolute blast!

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 11:09

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 11:04

She is not a nanny, @MILha . Working in nurseries is very different. You need to tell her what you expect from her in this role. How is she in terms of being in your home? Does she respect boundaries there.

I know. But I think a lot of nannies start in nursery and then go into nannying. I'm not sure exactly what to expect.

When you say boundaries at home, what do you mean ?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 09/06/2023 11:16

HaveWeGotAnyCake · 09/06/2023 10:08

You could either say yet, and let your kids go with the nanny to see her family, OR give her the day off and let her go alone, OR say no, she can't have the time off.

I think the 2nd option would be best - but will you be able to look after your own kids for that day?

I'm confused. The nanny is being employed to do a job...presumably if she wants the day off, she can request holiday like any other employee.

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 11:17

I probably would. If I trust my nanny to look after my children then I trust their judgement when out of the home too

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 09/06/2023 11:31

@MILha I mean does she behave like she is at work? Does she have a professional manner with you/DH. Does she have boundaries with the DC around your/DH wishes?

In terms of guiding her in her new role, she needs guidance on how the days are to be filled, does she do the DCs laundry, cooking, taking for haircuts etc? DBs nanny has a weekly programme, arranges playdates with friends of DC ect.

planestrains · 09/06/2023 11:36

As someone who has had a nanny before I had to trust her 100%. I didn't always know beforehand if she was meeting up with people (mainly other nannies but at times they may also see her family) or what their plans for the day were. But I trusted her and her judgement 100% or I wouldn't have left my children with her, so was happy for her to do what she thought best. As it was she was fully dedicated to doing what the children would enjoy.

I would be concerned in your scenario that there may be some more fundamental concerns here about your Nanny and her focus on your children and her judgement

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