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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let nanny do this ?

147 replies

MILha · 09/06/2023 09:31

Nanny has been with us several months now. She looks after our two small children. Older one is at nursery most days and younger one is at home with nanny all of the days.

She asked to go and visit her family for the day next week and wants to take my kids. It's an hour drive away and I don't know her family.

Would others who have had a nanny be ok with this ?

She's taken my kids to nearby softplay / the park / for lunch with her boyfriend/ a friend/ her grandma.

I don't love it, as i don't know the people she's meeting with. It's happened a few times but I haven't been massively comfortable with it I don't know if I'm being too much. I don't mind so much in softplay, as she will need a hand with both of them ( but I would rather know who she's going with ).

I think taking the kids an hour away to go into homes of people I don't know is a bit problematic for me. I know they're her family, but I am not comfortable with it.

Is this me being too much ?

OP posts:
Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 11:37

MrsMikeDrop · 09/06/2023 10:44

Probably not initially, but would later on. I'd assume a nanny is part of the family and so nice that your kids are also part of hers.

But a nanny isn’t part of the family. Not any more than a cleaner is part of the family. They work for/with the family. So in the same way it would be inappropriate for a cleaner to invite their boyfriend and family to your home since they’re ‘part of the family,’ it’s equally inappropriate for the nanny to behave like this.

When you work with kids it’s so important to have appropriate professional boundaries, because it’s far too easy to blur those boundaries when you become close to the child and the family. But you aren’t family. You’re just doing your job.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 09/06/2023 11:39

No. We’ve had our nanny work with us for five years. We’ve had something like this happen once, in extenuating circumstances, after she’d asked us. She’s being really unprofessional.

DisquietintheRanks · 09/06/2023 11:42

Well unlike most on here I wod have little problem with how your nanny had acted so farad would not be looking to replace her. A visit to family an hour away would be a no, though. Maybe once the children were older and I knew her better.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 11:49

Maddy70 · 09/06/2023 11:17

I probably would. If I trust my nanny to look after my children then I trust their judgement when out of the home too

This is also kind of how I felt a little, which is why I allowed the other stuff I described.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 09/06/2023 11:50

I don't think you should allow visits to her family, she is using her work time for her personal time.

However the large softplay situation, that is your anxiety. I don't think you should limit where she goes because you get anxiety.

MillbankTower · 09/06/2023 11:53

Mine used to- they lived in next town
Her mum was great and stepped in when she was ill. My children are still in touch with her and they are adults now. Like a 3rd granny

MrsMikeDrop · 09/06/2023 11:56

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 11:37

But a nanny isn’t part of the family. Not any more than a cleaner is part of the family. They work for/with the family. So in the same way it would be inappropriate for a cleaner to invite their boyfriend and family to your home since they’re ‘part of the family,’ it’s equally inappropriate for the nanny to behave like this.

When you work with kids it’s so important to have appropriate professional boundaries, because it’s far too easy to blur those boundaries when you become close to the child and the family. But you aren’t family. You’re just doing your job.

Show quote history

I hear what you are saying. I would consider a nanny part of the family as they're looking after my kids all day in my home etc, I guess more like an aunt or something. I'd have to really be able to trust someone to do that, unlike a cleaner who's just cleaning my house. I do agree though that she shouldn't be doing this alot during her work hours, but then I also think if the kids are just home anyway, is it a really a big deal. I'm probably just that kind of person, but if someone was looking after my children for years, it would be difficult for me only to think of them as am employee

deathbyhayfever · 09/06/2023 11:56

I think she finds it difficult to entertain both kids at home. Which I can understand. We have a long summer coming up where my older one is at home all the time and I'm not sure how we are going to manage that.

if it's true, then she's in the wrong job! You need a new nanny.
Honestly, it sounds like your children would be better off in a nursery or with a childminder - a place where people are not bored or at loss of what to do with them.

I would sympathise with an au-pair, this situation with a trained and paid nanny is wrong.

karmakameleon · 09/06/2023 11:59

I’d say no this this and I was always very relaxed about our nannies meeting family and friends during their working day. The red flag for me is that there doesn’t seem to be anything in it for the children. So examples that I have agreed were:

  • nanny meeting her sister who had similar aged children to mine
  • different nanny had her boyfriend come round to play with DC1 (shared interest that most primary aged children aren’t into so difficult to find people to share)
  • current nanny sometimes takes DS to see her mum who has a dog, DS slightly obsessed and we don’t have one.

All were in some beneficial/fun for the children but this seems to be for the nanny.

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 12:40

MrsMikeDrop · 09/06/2023 11:56

I hear what you are saying. I would consider a nanny part of the family as they're looking after my kids all day in my home etc, I guess more like an aunt or something. I'd have to really be able to trust someone to do that, unlike a cleaner who's just cleaning my house. I do agree though that she shouldn't be doing this alot during her work hours, but then I also think if the kids are just home anyway, is it a really a big deal. I'm probably just that kind of person, but if someone was looking after my children for years, it would be difficult for me only to think of them as am employee

Show quote history

Yeah I can see that. When I’ve worked with kids I always try to massively avoid this type of mindset. Unfortunately I find it can lead to parents not respecting your professional boundaries. You know - oh Amy doesn’t mind staying late, she’s like an auntie, she loves being with the kids. Stuff like that. When in fact Amy (or me 😂) is an employee who wants to clock out on time and be treated in a professional manner. I mean I’ve had parents text me with emojis/kisses to say they’ll be home 30 minutes late etc - I’ve had to explain that I’m not a family member babysitting, I’m an employee with contracted hours who charges highly for late arrivals! A one off emergency is fine of course, but some parents sort of get this idea that you do the job for the love of their child which I dislike.

But I do agree that you absolutely must trust the person since they’re looking after your child! I don’t think that extends to letting them expose your child to boyfriends/friends/random people you’ve never met or seen.

SkyandSurf · 09/06/2023 12:45

Do these family members smoke? Do they have dogs? Is their house baby proofed? Does anyone in the house have a criminal record?

I wouldn't be ok with it at all.

She's working, she's not meant to be socialising anyway. Why is she multitasking while she is being paid to look after your children?

FloofCloud · 09/06/2023 12:47

I agree with others, sounds like she's trying to cram her social and work life in together. She's not going to be doing things for your children if she's visiting her family so it would be a no. I'd also not want her boyfriend accompanying the family out either - she'll be more distracted and may change the dynamics of her care for the children IMO

PrivateEyeToothpaste · 09/06/2023 12:52

No I wouldn’t.

This is the wording in our House Rules (an add-on to our nanny’s contract).

“All activities not primarily for the benefit of the child must be approved by Employers in advance. The child should not ‘tag along’ on any personal business or visits unless approved by Employers in advance.”

saveforthat · 09/06/2023 13:10

PrivateEyeToothpaste · 09/06/2023 12:52

No I wouldn’t.

This is the wording in our House Rules (an add-on to our nanny’s contract).

“All activities not primarily for the benefit of the child must be approved by Employers in advance. The child should not ‘tag along’ on any personal business or visits unless approved by Employers in advance.”

The thing is until the children are of an age to talk confidently about what they have been doing, the nanny can do whatever she likes. Children have to "tag along" with parents all the time so personally I think it's more natural for them to accompany the nanny to some boring (for the children) things.

BallandBoe · 09/06/2023 13:12

I think you are projecting your insecurities onto your nanny, actually. You clearly don't trust her judgement - and THAT'S the issue.

I have nannied for 25 years. My charges and I have had SO much fun visiting MY family on the coast (we live in London), going to the seaside with them, to the funfair, to farms etc. I have taken them on day trips to my cousin's house in Dorset, who had kids the same age. We had endless days of fun in the pool and on the beach.

I have taken my charges on trips to old nanny friends houses - friends that have moved away but then had their own kids.

Sometimes my Mum and Aunts would come and stay for the week and would come with us on fun days. Or even normal school days and we'd take them for dinner after school.

By the same token, I was happy to take my charges to THEIR family members and we would hang out there.

The trouble here is that you don't trust your nanny.

BallandBoe · 09/06/2023 13:14

I've also taken my charges away for weekends. But my employers TRUSTED MY JUDGEMENT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

You clearly don't trust her judgement, so you should NOT have her looking after your children.

wingingit1987 · 09/06/2023 13:20

She sounds very unprofessional and I would be looking for another nanny.

Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 13:22

wingingit1987 · 09/06/2023 13:20

She sounds very unprofessional and I would be looking for another nanny.

I think she will go with whatever I'm comfortable with. She has only asked because she thinks it might be ok, judging by what has been ok for her to do in the past.

As in, I said it was OK for her to take them for lunch with her grandma, so she may have then assumed she can take them for another lunch with her parents etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MILha · 09/06/2023 13:25

BallandBoe · 09/06/2023 13:14

I've also taken my charges away for weekends. But my employers TRUSTED MY JUDGEMENT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

You clearly don't trust her judgement, so you should NOT have her looking after your children.

I think it takes time do build that complete trust and I would also like to get to know her family a bit better.

She's been with us for two months. But we have known her for almost a year.

OP posts:
EggInANest · 09/06/2023 13:28

I wouldn’t want my kids spending 2 hours in the car for an outing that doesn’t sound as if it is for their benefit.

londonrach · 09/06/2023 13:29

No way. Very unprofessional and can't believe you meeting her husband. I'd be looking for a proper professional nanny

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/06/2023 13:31

Overthebow · 09/06/2023 09:50

No I wouldn’t allow this. You don’t know the people and as she is working her full attention should be on your DC, not her family.

I was allowed to do it but I was a long term nanny and the family trusted me. There's value in children being in family settings and meeting new people but the fact you are having doubts probably means it's best not to agree quite yet.

Lcb123 · 09/06/2023 13:34

fine for her to take them to soft play etc. but she shouldn’t be seeing family or friends, she’s working. I don’t bring my DH or friends to my office

Lcb123 · 09/06/2023 13:35

It’s not about trust here. She’s doing a job

Kanaloa · 09/06/2023 13:35

BallandBoe · 09/06/2023 13:14

I've also taken my charges away for weekends. But my employers TRUSTED MY JUDGEMENT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY.

You clearly don't trust her judgement, so you should NOT have her looking after your children.

I don’t think this is fair to say. You’re implying that if you don’t want your nanny to take entire charge of your children and take them away to visit strangers for weekends and holidays, then you can’t/shouldn’t have that nanny.

It is not the norm for paid nannies to arrange to take their charges on family holidays/visiting with boyfriends/friends. A parent paying for childcare does not have to agree to their child being taken in visits and weekends away otherwise they ‘don’t trust’ the nanny and shouldn’t have one.