Would you let nanny do this ?

[MILha]

Nanny has been with us several months now. She looks after our two small children. Older one is at nursery most days and younger one is at home with nanny all of the days.

She asked to go and visit her family for the day next week and wants to take my kids. It's an hour drive away and I don't know her family.

Would others who have had a nanny be ok with this ?

She's taken my kids to nearby softplay / the park / for lunch with her boyfriend/ a friend/ her grandma.

I don't love it, as i don't know the people she's meeting with. It's happened a few times but I haven't been massively comfortable with it I don't know if I'm being too much. I don't mind so much in softplay, as she will need a hand with both of them ( but I would rather know who she's going with ).

I think taking the kids an hour away to go into homes of people I don't know is a bit problematic for me. I know they're her family, but I am not comfortable with it.

Is this me being too much ?

i wouldn’t allow it. She can see her family in her time off. TBH, she sounds like she’s struggling. Why would you be worried about her occupying your two children in the Summer holidays? That’s a pretty normal thing to do. Has she no ideas? It sounds weird to me.

I’d have a sit-down with her, see how she’s feeling (is she struggling? Is she stuck for ideas? Regretting taking the job?), then I’d clearly set out my expectations. This is her job not a favour she’s doing for you. Perhaps she needs help in setting up a routine or a list of places to visit and things to do? She sounds almost bored with your children, inviting her sister along, meeting up for lunch with people.

I have nannied in the past. I generally met with other nannies some I knew prior to a nanny job from a previous role but I did on occasion meet with my sister who had similar aged children while i was in two different jobs, and in a live in job an hour away the parents invited my mum over a few times and were happy for me to see her in their home while I was working and they were not there. I did take them to my home town once to a child themed event that was taking place.

Another job I had, after I left I would visit the mum with my niece and that was organised by the mum.

I didn't take my charges to see my boyfriend or husband or him come out with us for the day.

Most families I worked for wanted to include the nanny into their family and were happy for me to see my immediate family members when looking after their children.

Also when I had my own children the nanny from my last job was always inviting us round for tea which we attended.

I have kept in touch with a few of my old employers over the years.

I can see why seeing family who live over an hour away would have you questioning the situation, but what are her reasons for this visit?

Why does she want to see her family an hour away?
Is there a special occasion?
Are they ill?
Does she not have enough time off?

I think you need to weigh that all up if there is genuine reason.

I would and I have. My nanny’s parents became like a third set of grandparents to my dc and they loved going round there to play.

I cannot understand why people say “depends on how much you trust her”. Surely if you don’t have 200% trust in her, you should be employing her to look after your children?

She has asked if an outing is suitable and you have said no. It’s not a huge big deal.

Some people on here will possibly overreact - but ultimately it’s up to what you feel comfortable with.

Don’t let replys on a forum impact your relationship with her.

No because the house she's going to won't be "child proof"... Might have button batteries laying around etc.

I think she finds it difficult to entertain both kids at home.. Sounds like she's in the wrong job.

The interest shown by the grandma in the kids sounds bit like the whole family are all "playing" at what it would be like if she had her own kids.

Sounds like none of them really appreciate that it is a job and should be kept separate from her personal life. I wonder what sort of personal information about the kids and you she might be sharing with her family?

I don't know? What do you think she could be sharing with them ??

So because she's a nanny, she can't tell her family or boyfriend how her day was etc ?

Do you think I need to worry about what she's sharing with them ? I hadn't really considered that.

I think it's normal that her grandma might ask how the kids are. I think that's really sweet actually and doesn't worry me.

Perhaps I'm seeing it wrong ? Why is it a problem?

Hell, no.

@MILha medical conditions (of the children or anyone in the family), her views of your kids' behaviour, chat about things you may have asked her to do that she thinks are unreasonable, photos of inside your home, comments about how affluent you are based on your clothes, home furnishings, car etc. Information about you or your husband's jobs. Information about your families that you have shared in passing conversation.

She shouldn't even be telling them your address without your consent, though it is her workplace so a bit of a grey area.

Think about it this way OP. If she were a nurse, would it be appropriate for her to tell her grandmother how her patients were if she asked after them?

Has the boyfriend been CRB checked? A big no from me on the boyfriend and visiting family I'm afraid.

All CRB check means is that someone hasn't been caught. Nowhere near enough to feel safe with a complete stranger I am afraid.

Absolutely not; this is not child focused and nor is your Nanny. Her attention will not be on the kids the same if she’s chatting to her boyfriend-family.

Do you think you can really police what kind of stuff she tells her partner ? I would assume that she might unfortunately disclose this sort of stuff to her nearest and dearest. I'm not saying she will, but I live on the assumption that any nanny may choose to share some / or all of this with the closest people to them.

Even nannies that don't ask to take the kids to family etc. I would assume they can / might share stuff with their husband or boyfriend.

Her BF had to pick her up from my house before because her car was having a service etc. I think it's hard to avoid her BF knowing where she works. But I know what you mean, it's not ideal.

That's why I'm careful who I choose to be my nanny and also how I treat them and end things with them. They do get to know quite a bit about your life etc.

Some of the replies on this thread are absolutely baffling to me. Comparing a nurses parents asking after her patients to her parents asking after her charges is utterly ridiculous 🤦🏻‍♀️ as much as people are saying ‘it’s just a job, it’s unprofessional, you’re not friends you’re her employer’ nannying is not ‘just another job’. We’re spending sometimes 60 hours a week in other people homes, with their children, helping with the families shopping/admin. Quite often nanny’s spend more time with their nanny family/their charges than with their own family. It’s totally different to an office job for example. So many of my previous charges, and their parents, have become part of my own extended family, and me theirs. It’s a different kind of employer/employee relationship. I’ve taken care of some of these babies since they were 2 months old up until they went to school, I’ve been their primary caregiver….I would no more put them in any sort of danger than I would my own child, even when visiting friends/family it’s orientated around the children! And of course my partner/parents/nanny friends know where I work….that being said it’s a very different situation introducing a boyfriend of 2 weeks than it is a partner of 10 years. And I know of no professional nanny that would be introducing new boyfriends or random friends to their charges, same as I know no nanny that would take their charges around people that are smoking/drinking/taking drugs as people have mentioned above! I must’ve been so lucky with my employers not to come across any that are like the majority on here.

Do you think you can really police what kind of stuff she tells her partner ?

Plenty of nannying jobs for celebrities or political figures etc require the nanny to sign an NDA as a condition of employment.

Most professional jobs carry with them obligations of confidentiality. Lawyers and doctors can't tell their partners anything about their clients, people in corporates sharing commercial information can end up facilitating insider trading, sometimes couples work for competitors in the same industry. Many do, of course, but it would be gross misconduct if proven. So why is it possible to police those jobs and not that of a nanny? There was a big furore when the wife of JK Rowling's lawyer blabbed that Robert Galbraith was her pseudonym.

Your mistake is thinking of this job as different to any other in terms of professional obligations just because it is carried out in your home and requires emotional closeness to your children.

Yeah but I didn't make her sign an NDA.

No, I wouldn't allow it, and I would say no to the boyfriend being around your kids also.

Oh and even IF I had made a nanny sign an NDA, there would still be no way of knowing if she had told her mum that I drive a nice car or whatever. Unless I somehow find out that she did make that comment or whatever it is she may blab about..

What am I going to do then ? Sue her ? How much money could I really recover for this ? It's not really worth suing an individual like a nanny anyway. It's far too much hassle than it's worth.

You just have to assume she'll blab about you, so don't tell her stuff you don't want her to blab about.

If she tell her because boyfriend we have a nice house and that I have nice handbags or whatever ( just examples ), I really don't think there's much that can be done about it.

It's therefore wise to choose a person who's just generally discreet. I can see how the informality of her behaviour may lead anyone to assume she might not be discreet about sharing things concerning my family. I don't have evidence that she's done that. But there's a possibility that she has.

Your last paragraph sums up the point I was trying to make. It's simply that her behaviour suggests that her family are being told more about your family's business than you might be comfortable with.

I'm well aware that NDAs are not the norm, and that it is rarely financially or strategically appropriate to sue to enforce them, but they can become important in a situation where a disclosure has had serious knock on effects and/or enriched the person who made the disclosure, and of course breach is grounds for dismissal. They usually have deterrent value more than anything else. The same goes for obligations of confidentiality in any contract of employment.

But you did ask how it could be policed, so I told you.

So I didn't let nanny take them to see her family.

She hasn't really asked to take them places since, which is good.

Today she did ask if she could take youngest to drop off a present for her mum.. as it's her birthday. I said she can go and do that and I'll look after the baby. But she said it's ok she'll do it later. She only asked because the mum is going out for dinner later, so it's her only chance to drop off the present.

I feel a bit bad about saying no ( people pleaser ) and feel like I need to explain it. But I don't think it's appropriate for her to do that. Not sure if I should just say that we don't want the kids to go out unless it's specifically child related or if I should say that we don't want them around strangers etc. I don't want to offend or upset her or make her feel like I don't trust her.

I think you are being a bit precious OP. If you were their full-time carer they would be doing all sorts of non-child related activities. Shopping, dropping presents off, doctor's appointments all sorts. I think you're overthinking it.

So in that case you’d be happy if the nursery staff packed your child into their car and took them to their parent’s house (who you had never met?) If not, why not?

This woman is being paid to do a job. Most of us can’t go on dates with our boyfriend and run our personal errands while we’re at work. That’s life.