AIBU to think DH can take DC to nursery this time

[sunshineandwinee]

DC goes to nursery three times a week. Me and DH work full time and compressed our hours, because of his random shift work hours and because I can work flexibly I do the nursery drop offs and pick ups. That’s fine as it makes sense, I can work from home those days I drop them off as DC is at nursery.

DH has taken some random annual leave, and has moaned that he never gets any time on his own. But he won’t go out on his annual leave he wants to be at home, and just my presence there means he’s not having alone time.

I asked him to take our children to nursery and then I’ll go into the office and I’ll pick them up. He refused. Because it’s his day off even tho he’s doing nothing.

I went to the office and took them there and he wouldn’t even pick them up, so I had to work into the evening after I brought them home.

im feeling really pissed off because this week when it would have been nice to get some help he’s not helped at all with getting them ready, or offering to do the pick up or drop off for once. I get I do this normally but thought as he was on leave he could help but he’s mad at me!!

I don’t know if I’m wrong here.

for context I’ve always done the majority of the work at home with the kids - sorting meals/bedtime/bath, I’m just tired.

YABU - you normally do the pick up and drop off so you should do it
YANBU - DH has leave and can help.

Am i the only one wondering what he's up to. It seems this is the first time he's done this as your asking about it. If my partner suddenly and randomly booked a week of work for no actual reason, then said me and the kids can't be home, I'd want to know why?!

But that aside. He's a jerk. Why did you marry and have kids with this useless waste of space? Did you not realise sooner he was a moron. Or was it rose tinted glasses?

Op you deserve better. You need to sit him down and tell him he's needs to start sharing childcare and house hold chores now as it's only going to get worse when the stary proper school and you have all those holidays to cover. If he can't do it now, school will be a right shock to his system!

If he can't do 50/50 then get rid!

There is no AL from kids. Your husband sounds like a lazy bam.

What is this "alone time" all about? I'd be offended if my partner said he wanted a day away from me. That's not normal.

I do everything for the kids, dog & home! He cooks for the grown ups about 5 nights a week & does the morning school run for 1 child. But chores, appointments, and everything else fall to me! Moans if the house is messy or clothes aren’t ready, but has t washed a pot in about 15 years 😱He has hobbies 2-3 evenings a week & 1 full weekend day. Mostly sits watching sport when at home. Definitely not 50/50

Lazy selfish CF sums it up

Annual leave and time off work is a thing

Time off adulting, parenting, general responsibility is not a thing

He needs to grow up

Why did you accept this?

I stayed home when my oldest was young and my ex did very little to participate in the home other than pay the bills. He felt a huge burden when we split initially.

I’m staying home again with my young kids but my DH is a partner and we share the load. Post COVID he works from home so that does help admittedly.
He gets up with our (almost 3, usually sleeps through the night) son in the morning while I get up usually about 30 minutes later with our daughter (15 months, still nursing and only sometimes sleeps through the night). Aside from when he is working we tag team the kids. Sometimes together and sometimes we split them up for one on one time. At night we do the bedtime routine together and then he puts down our son while I put down our daughter. Our son will attend half day preschool next year and likely he will drop off and I will pick up. I homeschool my oldest as well.
As for chores, we split them as well. He tends all outdoor chores except my vegetable garden, he handles the washing and dishwasher. I handle folding the wash and cooking. We take turns hand washing dishes. We each tend to our own appointments and ”office tasks”, and I tend to the kids’. I’m responsible for things such as dusting, bathrooms, etc but he typically cleans the floors.

We very much abide by the notion that my staying home means the kids and home are my job during his work hours, not 24/7. If either of us needs or wants time without the kids, we arrange it with the other parent.

It’s truly amazing when your partner actually participated in parenting and the home. Unfortunately I’m pretty sure normal is more like my ex.

Can't be any help sorry. My DH books the majority of his AL for when the kids are at school so he can have 'me time'. Refuses to use it to help me with the kids, so I have to rely on his mum to help me so I can still work.

What an absolute arse. He's in for a rude awakening when they start school and there are (at least) 13 weeks hols to cover.

He's a c£nt but you've allowed this behaviour so what do you expect?

@sunshineandwinee unless you had an immaculate conception, he's half the reason this child is in the world. Therefore in fairness he should do half the tasks needed to ensure the welfare of the child.

Obviously that's more often not the case, as there seem to be so many deadbeat men out there, but that's no reason why you should put up with his refusal to co-parent.

Is he as complete and total an arse in other areas of your life?

I'm thinking any man who can be described as "he’s mad at me!!" in this situation is an irremediably selfish, egotistic, lazy man child, and I for one would find that as sexy as stepping in vomit barefooted.

It also sounds as though whatever holds your relationship together doesn't include friendship, so the question arises, what exactly do you find valuable in your marriage?

I honestly think LTB is the valid response to your problem.

He's on Annual leave good for him, glad he is putting his foot down.

Your husband is very selfish. Has he ever given you a day off from every single thing? If talking to him about it won't help, suggest counseling, because this is just an incredibly mean attitude towards you.

What is this "alone time" all about? I'd be offended if my partner said he wanted a day away from me. That's not normal
It's an entitled attitude that some men have.
There's been a few threads lately where the man seems to think his annual leave can be taken as sporadic days (usually when their partner is working and the children are in school or nursery). The all important man thinks his day off isn't a day off work, but a total day off life, home responsibility, parenthood and they seem to expect the women in their lives to facilitate this be simultaneously keeping out of his way, ensuring they keep the house running, do everything or the children whilst not troubling the poor man

So his mummy supports his lazy arse and your okay with that? Do you have a few weeks to yourself too?

He's taking leave from his work NOT from parenting. Though it sounds like he has been reneging his responsibilities here for a while. Pressure for you to do the majority of domestic and parenting duties is a form of coercive control. How much time do you get to spend on your own, or meeting with friends without DC in tow?

My DH recently had some time off - he really enjoyed taking and fetching the kids from school /nursery as usually never gets to do it - once he's done that he made plans to go things he enjoys - gym/see friends/cycle /diy .. I got a break from being 100% in charge of them too so was good for both of us - your DH needs to do more and realise how hard the juggle really is.

This. Stop being default parent now before it is too late

Tell him flat out that when you take your own time off, you expect him to do all household tasks, including child-minding/transport. If he is unwilling to do this, re-evaluate how many years you want to spend as, not only a financial contributor but, an unpaid servant in your own home.

Which days do you get the house to yourself with no work and no kids?
I so kinda get the bit about being off work and wanting to do nothing in your own home...alone. That's great if your work schedule and family commitments allow this. Yours don't.

It's not helping, they're his kids too.

Honestly I would have just left them at home and gone to work. If he wants them taken to nursery so he can have a quiet day off then he can do it or they're at home with him all day 🤷‍♀️.

He does realise that annual leave does not include his entire life responsibilities?! 😂
On a serious note. Please do not out up with this BS. He clearly does not think of you and how much you have to do.

Tell him the way he’s going he will have time to himself - permanently.
And mean it!

Lazy, useless git!

Next time he wants a 'dayalone' he either takes the dc to nursery or you wfh that day, the choice is then his