AIBU to think DH can take DC to nursery this time

[sunshineandwinee]

DC goes to nursery three times a week. Me and DH work full time and compressed our hours, because of his random shift work hours and because I can work flexibly I do the nursery drop offs and pick ups. That’s fine as it makes sense, I can work from home those days I drop them off as DC is at nursery.

DH has taken some random annual leave, and has moaned that he never gets any time on his own. But he won’t go out on his annual leave he wants to be at home, and just my presence there means he’s not having alone time.

I asked him to take our children to nursery and then I’ll go into the office and I’ll pick them up. He refused. Because it’s his day off even tho he’s doing nothing.

I went to the office and took them there and he wouldn’t even pick them up, so I had to work into the evening after I brought them home.

im feeling really pissed off because this week when it would have been nice to get some help he’s not helped at all with getting them ready, or offering to do the pick up or drop off for once. I get I do this normally but thought as he was on leave he could help but he’s mad at me!!

I don’t know if I’m wrong here.

for context I’ve always done the majority of the work at home with the kids - sorting meals/bedtime/bath, I’m just tired.

YABU - you normally do the pick up and drop off so you should do it
YANBU - DH has leave and can help.

for context I’ve always done the majority of the work at home with the kids - sorting meals/bedtime/bath, I’m just tired.

So he works full-time in 1 job, while you’re working 2 jobs? He’s a lazy bastard. Sorry you’re married to such a tosser.

If you’re both working full-time, you both need to share the household tasks. He needs to do some work!

I think he misunderstands annual leave. It is leave from your job, not from you family or your life.

It is absolutely fine to build some relaxation time into annual leave, but annual leave on its own doesn't absolve you of all responsibility, and for many, more time with their kids is actually one of the reasons for taking annual leave.

When are you booking your annual leave and leaving him to it?

Why do women put up with these useless men? I just couldn’t respect someone who didn’t want to share this stuff equally and be an actual partner. Stop enabling this shit. We owe men nothing unless they treat us as true equals and give back what they get from us.

This is ridiculous but also have either of you thought forward to when DC are in school and the number of school holidays? We don’t get much leave that’s to ourselves now as we cover as much of the school holidays as we can between us with family support and hopefully from next year when both DC are at school we will use some holiday clubs. You need to have a team plan in those situations, when are you going to be off together and all have a holiday or days out. Which days you will cover solely, which he will and then a small amount of days either for yourself but also assigned to emergencies arising. If he’s thinking none, then will he foot the holiday club bill? And do you even want your DC to go to that many holiday clubs/camps? This is all just practical stuff, the fact is there’s the emotional side of his actions.

OK soo...for the last 5 or 6 years my DH has done NOTHING on a Sunday. We see family and he will just sit there ALL day, he won't make a drink he won't help with dinner "it's my day off". Fine, he works 40 - 60 hours a week in a Labour intensive job. I get it. HOWEVER... I am now on the same hours and I work in a nursery to it's not exactly easy. I'm also doing an apprenticeship, so my free time is spent studying and revising. I decided last year that I too need a day off. And declared that Saturday is MY day off. So when we see his family on a Saturday I usually help clean, do dinner, make drinks and tend to the children...not any more!!!! I sit there all day and repeat "no, its my day off" he doesn't like it but he knows he can't argue with me because then he would lose his day off. And honestly having that day and putting my foot down about it makes me feel so refreshed! I suggest you take some annual leave and do exactly what he has done. Point blank refuse to be involved, better yet, leave at the crack of dawn and drop him a text wishing him a good day at work...oh and don't forget to drop the DC's at nursery!

I watched a set of stitched videos on tik tok about how men often claim to be baffled and confused when women leave them. Not because they didn’t actually know their partner was unhappy or that they were treating their partner poorly (they totally did), they just hadn’t realised that their partner was unhappy enough with the level of permanent unhappiness the relationship gives her to actually leave. And then these men continue to play to hapless victim.

This is another example of a man who is behaving dreadfully because he can he can. He’s been getting away with it. He’s quite happy for his wife to permanently shoulder all the childcare and parenting responsibilities.

Even where he is so obviously selfish and horrible as in this example - telling you that you can’t be in the house and that he won’t pick up or drop off the children at nursery - he’s doing it because he gets away with it. He did. And he thinks that this level of permanent unhappiness due to his behaviour should be good enough for you.

Why has he had children if this is how he behaves?

That is absolutely shocking. Would not even cross my mind not to look after my own child while on annual leave. I only ever take annual leave to be with my child. I'd not get him a father's day card op if he doesn't like the responsibility of being a father.

Utterly ridiculous. He's on leave from his job not his family.

Op if you can afford it you need to book a long weekend away. Leave early Friday & come back Monday evening.

Let him juggle 2 school/nursery days and 2 full home days.

He will moan. You can then point out that this is what you do all the time and if he thinks it was hard work doing it solo then it would be easier if you both parent.

Having a penis does not absolve him from parenting his own children.

Ridiculous, annual leave is leave from work. Not leave from parental responsibility, and family life.

I'd ask him when it would be convenient for you to book your 'annual leave' and he can handle doing all drop offs and pick ups, whilst working, and maybe he'd like to do all cooking and bath times too as it's your "time on you own".

Totally shocked - I'm a full time Mum but my husband does the bulk of the school runs - I pick up when he's not able to. This wasn't exactly planned, just evolved from when our children moved to their current school.
Your husband's A/L should give him time to himself once children are in school/nursery - with him doing the school runs. You have accommodated his A/L by going into the office but totally unreasonable for you to have to work into the evening to cover you also having to pick up children.

Why did you just do all the things??
He wanted the house empty, you sorted that for him. I actually think that’s ok.
BUT why didn’t you just go to work and leave the kids for him to do with as he wanted?? WHY did you put yourself out just to take them to nursery for him? He’s a very lazy, cheeky twat.

When's your week off from work, childcare and all other responsibilities while everyone stays out of the house to facilitate your 'alone time'?

Your 'd'h sounds lazy and selfish.

More fool you for enabling his shitness. He ain't going to change so suggest you suck it up and plan your days accordingly.

Exactly! ⬆️ He's a selfish, immature excuse of a man but you fully enabled his behaviour! Nothing will change unless/until you put your foot down.

He’s got annual leave from work not being a bloody parent.

Why didn’t you just leave the house and left DC there with the Dad? You are enabling him to behave like this, until you chance your approach he will remain a lazy twat.

Take a days annual leave next week. Book a spa day, head out early and leave him to sort the kids and his work. He made the rules. Then maybe he'll be more reasonable going forward.

Yes this is a good point, the nursery years are relatively easy. If he won't even do ONE nursery drop off, it'll be a nightmare when they start school. He needs to shape up or ship out.

My STBXH views parenting as an opt in if you feel like it activity. That’s one of many reasons we are divorcing.

He said to me the other week that it ‘must be shit being the default parent’ because I actually have the responsibility because he never pulls his weight and doesn’t ever intend to. Which was, as usual, just an admission that he doesn’t view it as his job to look after his own children.

What he doesn’t realise is that his son will (and does even at 2) recognise that his dad is not a reliable parent. And he will likely reap what he’s sown in years to come.

Sadly it means I have to be parent compensating for this crap for DS’s well-being. He absolutely needs to know that his mother will be there no matter what, even if his father is a shit.

Selfish tight bastard are also appropriate TBF.

not tight with himself. Of course.