To work on the assumption I won’t be able to breastfeed?

[Woodentoyshurt]

When I had my first baby I wanted to breastfeed so followed all the advice and I just couldn’t latch him on. I’m due in 2 weeks: AIBU to just assume it’s probably going to be the same and just buy all the bottle feeding equipment? I’ll give it a go but I’m not really expecting it to work.

What do you want to do? If you could wave a magic wand and breastfeed without any difficulty, or formula feed from birth without any guilt? (not that anyone should feel guilty, but such is our weird culture)

If you want to breastfeed, maybe a debrief of your previous experience would help? Amy Brown writes about breastfeeding grief and trauma and she has done a few podcast interviews about it.

I hear that you say you had support last time and it didn't help. I don't know if this was just NHS support or whether you hired someone private whose main job is breastfeeding support (I guess since you said you spent a lot of money, perhaps it was this). If your last baby was born during the pandemic, was the support remote? It can help to have someone physically with you helping you make small adjustments to posture, positioning baby for the latch etc.

And I agree with putting a limit on it (time, budget, feeling, whatever feels right). I think this is a sensible approach. It means you have a safe space to try out BF without it feeling all or nothing.

OTOH if you don't want to, then don't. It's nobody else's business. Your LO will thrive just as your first has. Your mental health is important too.

Well, I did outline it in an earlier post.

lactation consultant cost £200. The very expensive breast pump I bought was £300 (I think.) Then nipple shields, which were cheap enough but I bought a lot of them, then further support via Zoom, which I think was maybe £40 and I paid for two sessions. Anyway, it is done now. I just wish people would believe me 😂

I’m sorry you’ve found it upsetting. There are so many emotions wrapped up in breastfeeding.

I remember being terrified to give my second formula in case she was allergic to it like my first. It was a really strong fear.

that’s fine if you don’t want to go to a group. If you want to speak to someone about how you feel there are other resources.

if you’re not ready that’s fine too.

I don't think anyone doesn't believe you. You're very defensive and I think projecting that. We believe you. But it doesn't mean it will happen like this again. It also doesn't mean you have to bother! Your baby will be fine on the bottle without torturing yourself with it all again.

I can understand why you find this upsetting but offering advice for the second time round doesn't mean people don't believe you tried hard enough. My sister couldn't with her first, tried the same things with the second and it worked fine.

Of course I’m defensive! Comments like ‘well you can’t expect to do it if you don’t try’ and ‘well if you’d just got through the first six weeks it would have been easier’ are very upsetting to read. I thought I was over the whole failure thing but I’m not, evidently, and I certainly don’t want to go through all that again.

Buy enough of the 70ml bottles of formula so you’re prepared in case it doesn’t work and, if it doesn’t, order the bottles and steriliser etc from amazon for next day delivery

Then don't. I think you'd made your mind up anyway, you're spoiling for a fight with people just trying to help so you can justify your choice.

It's just not failure though. You tried. It's awful how bad mothers feel when they can't, as it's just not a reflection on effort. It's a strange time. I don't believe it gets easier always so I don't agree with those posters.

You need to decide whether to have a go. There are good reasons for both. Not trying is just as valid as having a go, but both may upset you for different reasons.

@Woodentoyshurt I hear you! Am currently struggling to breastfeed my second. I didn't have it as bad as you as in they do latch but not well and it is a constant struggle. I also have an issue with slow let down and possibly low supply (always hard to know about supply but I'm definitely no milk factory despite constant feeding and regular pumping).

I also rejected a lot of help this time - I did accept it but only from one person who I chose because I agree with you - the constant advice and opinions (none of which helped) just made everything worse and made me feel overwhelmed.

Things I did this time to manage my own stress: I hand expressed colostrum starting a few days before 39 weeks (I was having a planned section). This helped get my flow going and gave me something to give him when he was born which took the pressure off my boob! It also helped me get back in to expressing/helped my production.

Only accepted a very small amount of help.

Tried to not stress about bottle feeding because it is fine and ultimately a great way to feed your baby which is the most important thing. However just to give you the heads up, I weirdly found it just as emotional this time when we gave my DS his first formula even tho I know now that it's fine!! The hormones got me again.

Good luck and don't let this stress you. Being a Mum is so much more than breastfeeding!!! Xxx

If you don't want to, don't. It's really ok.

@Woodentoyshurt What do you want from this thread?

I don't think you're unreasonable.

Essentially you are saying that there are different types of mum/baby breastfeeding situations;

1. breastfeeding is easy and works well
2. breastfeeding is a challenge which can be overcome
3. formula feeding through choice
4. formula feeding through necessity as breastfeeding didn't work
5. mixed feeding through choice
6. mixed feeding through necessity

With DC1 you were in group 4. For this baby saying if I'm not in group 1 I'll be group 3 seems like a sensible and positive attitude.

Unfortunately a lot of replies are from people in group 2, which while (presumably) good intentioned aren't strictly relevant.

My first baby wouldn't latch. We spent three days post birth at hospital with various staff trying to help and he had no interest what so ever.

Second baby - born rooting for the breast. I remember reading about babies that did this and he was textbook. Straight on and didn't come up first hour of life.

So buy bottles and go with an open mind. If it works it does, if it doesn't then move to formula. Don't grieve and enjoy your baby.

Each baby is different. Just cause the first couldn't get the hang of it doesn't mean the second will be the same.

But if you buy bottle equipment you will use it.

YANBU to bottlefeed from day 1 if you want to. YABU to assume your second baby won't be able to latch just because your first couldn't.

Don’t let these commenters get to you. Breastfeeding is yours and your baby’s journey, randos on the internet who want to bring someone down for strange reasons don’t deserve your time. You clearly want to do the best for your baby, and that’s what matters. There is support out there and every baby is different; access that support if needed but don’t let it drive you insane. Fed is best. If you try and it doesn’t work, then it didn’t.

from someone who desperately tried and it didn’t work, who felt awful and like she was damaging her baby and blamed herself, even though I was on medication that meant I couldn’t BF initially and was away from my baby for 3 days after the birth because we were both so unwell (both in ICU), then dealing with the trauma of the birth, so the supply was never going to come, really. Too much cortisol and not enough oxytocin. And I still felt like shit. I’ve forgiven myself now and wonder why I made a horrible situation worse by putting so much pressure on myself.

best of luck for the birth and beyond

It sounds like you had a really tough run with your first OP so I don’t blame you for being in that mindset.

There are huge benefits to even 3 days of BF though so I would at least try. But in your shoes I’d also have the bottle feeding back ups ready at home.

I am a huge BF advocate but not at the toll of your mental health. I think a good mindset would be to try and you never know, this time baby could latch straight away. But if they don’t and it will impact you and your DC in a negative way then just go onto bottles.

Good luck with your baby, I hope it all goes well whatever you decide!

I'm listening.

I understand that you tried your hardest last time but it just didn't work. And you don't want all the upset again if it doesn't work this time.

Good Luck and don't worry about any of these negative comments.

Sounds to me you’re fairly pragmatic about the whole thing which is great. Buy anything you may need and hopefully you won’t need it. Either way, money well spent in my eyes.

Are you sure you want to try? If you do, by all means give it a go but please don't force yourself due to pressure or any other reason.

It is absolutely ok and not at all a failure or selfish or bad to formula feed from birth.

It's a learned skill. Just like learning to drive. Maybe have a chat with the NCT - they are experts in baby feeding and have lots of local support plus a National helpline. Look at this page:

www.nct.org.uk/local-activities-meet-ups/feeding-support

Really hope it works out for you @Janefx40 .

Thanks @Ingrowncrotchhair and some others, I wish people could understand it isn’t as simple as wanting to or not.

Why don’t you see if your baby can latch. If they can then give breastfeeding a go because it was probably your baby’s tounge tie that meant they were not able to feed. If they can latch and every baby is different there is no reason to assume your new baby will have tongue tie it is worth giving it a go.

If your have difficulty go to formula. It sounds like you had a really difficult time last time. My baby was in NICU and it is really stressful having a baby in hospital and the contrasting advice of different professionals.

A lady called Professor Amy Brown has done lots of research in to breastfeeding grief and trauma and it sounds like you are going through this a lot. https://instagram.com/prof_amybrown?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==. It sounds like you are afraid of going through the same experience again which is understandable. Whether you breastfeed or formula feed you will have a better time with this baby because you know you can switch to formula if you need it.

@Woodentoyshurt I would definitely give it a try. I just had my second baby yesterday (😍) and it is so much easier this time!
Her brother ended up mixed fed. This time we just bought a pack of ready made bottles, 1 pack of formula (which we will use at some point anyway, eg for cereals when she is weaning) and 2 bottles. Just enough to get through the first few days, but it looks like we won't need it!

Every baby is different!