AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

It’s only rude or entitled when parents turn up with siblings without asking at all.

It’s perfectly reasonable to ask if there’s any possibility to bring siblings if the parent has no other options available to them.

I’ve had to ask a couple of times before but I also did make sure they knew I wasn’t expecting anything for my other child, I’d paying for the entry and would keep them away from the party, provide them with food etc, I just didn’t have anyone else to watch them.

Luckily it wasn’t ever an issue, I’ve had people ask me as well when I’ve thrown parties and if I’m able to I’m happy to accompany siblings as I know how hard it can be to balance everything at times.

Depends on the type of party. Village hall with a bouncy castle, crack on. Soft play with a maximum, yes if you pay for your own.

I think it’s rude to the host parents and unfair on the birthday child. Just because they’re children, doesn’t mean we should feel free to alter the dynamic of their party by allowing younger / older children that they might not even know. The party is their special day, not an opportunity for other parents to entertain their whole brood.
OP said that drop and run is fine, so not having childcare for the other kids isn’t an issue.

Surely unless it’s a private soft play session, you just pay for him to get in and then sit outside the party room with him?
if it is a private session, then no, obviously a child 4 years old doesn’t join in and you take something for him to do.

You’re being dead stroppy about it. I have zero issues with people asking, will accommodate it I can and simply explain if I can’t. Be more tolerant maybe? You don’t have to accept but just being asked is really no big deal.

Totally depends on the party, really. Ihave held parties where Siblings were more than welcome, plenty of food to go around, party bags were fun, inexpensive ones. If an activity needed to be paid for the parent paid.

Other parties we specifically invited some siblings to be there as friends for my own DC's sibling (the non birthday child) so that everyone had fun.

Party where numbers were strictly limited, no siblings at all.

This was at a small school where all the parents knew each other so no hidden surprises I guess. So when the DC were young and parents expected to stay then it was pretty standard for siblings to be welcome to stay as well. None of the families had more than 1 or 2 siblings though.

As they got older and parties became smaller, no siblings became the norm.

It's one of those things that can so easily be specified on the invitation and all the uncertainty avoided.

They’re only asking! And some parents say yes fine no problem so I don’t think it’s unreasonable of them to ask. You can just say no!

It’s absolutely rude, don’t let anyone tell you differently, op.
If siblings were welcomed it would be explicitly stated on the invitation.

The party is at the OP's house and she's not expecting parents to stay.

There's no reason for siblings to attend.

I remember a certain CF who brought her younger son to EVERY party her elder daughter went to. Her husband was at home so there was no childcare issue. She didn't care if it was soft play, village hall or somebody's house. Her view was "Ahhhh if he sees her going off to a party he will get upset and it's not fair on him, I will NOT leave him out". I felt sorry for her daughter who was a lovely kid because the invites did stop coming.

I don't think its rude to ask, no. Although its dense and cheeky if its clearly an organised venue where its pay per child. Nor is it rude to say 'no'
I did learn though when mine were young, that you really need to state EXACTLY what you mean on the invitation.

e.g.
Regretfully siblings are not invited
Please could at least one responsible adult stay on site with the child (or likewise you are welcome to leave after dropping off your child)
Presents/cards are not necessary

that kind of thing

There are still always going to be CF's but at least you've applied some damage limitation

As you've clarified it's a drop-off party, then yes it's rude to ask if siblings can come unless in exceptional circumstances eg invited child has SN /severe allergies etc that means a parent really has to stay with them. (If I were that parent and really had no childcare options I might risk seeming rude to ask, as otherwise the child would never go to a party.)

I would feel rude asking, but I've brought my younger DC2 to parties when the invites have stated "siblings welcome". And I brought her along to some earlier parties without even asking, but then she was breastfed in a sling so just assumed it would be allowed (and obviously didn't consume food or need a party bag). I do prefer hosting hired hall parties because it's simply easier to accommodate siblings, and I like parents to be able to bring them. It makes it more of a community event and it does feel like it's just as much for parents as the dc. We're lucky to not be in a position where the extra cost makes any difference. But so are most families here - it's very affluent.

It’s fine to ask if you can’t otherwise attend because many people are happy to have siblings along too. But it’s also ok to say no.

If they just turned up on the day with siblings, then that would be rude.

Well I think it is rude, and I would always say no regardless. It is a party for your child and theirs friends, not their friends younger siblings, who they may want some blessed respite from. I have one memorable party photo of one of DD's parties, with a sibling front and centre. She really didn't like this sibling, and was mortified she was left at the party, so the mother could go shopping. This mother actually just dropped the child and her sibling off at the school gates (the party was in the hall), and got them to come in with someone else! This is extreme I know, but it also happened at a softplay party, "oh you don't mind if I just pop off for a bit, he won't be any trouble"........ This one turned up an hour late for pick up of her daughter and the younger sibling. People are CF's. I've obviously been very unlucky.

A couple of times when the kids were younger, I turned up at parties with DS1 (the invited child) and when I mentioned DS2 was with daddy/granny I was told I should have brought him too, before being provided with a spare party bag and cake for him to have at home!

So I would say there is no hard and fast rule. I have given soft play party places to siblings that "belonged" to non-RSVPers in the last few days before the party and when I've done hall parties I didn't care if extras showed up.

There's always a few who don't show up after saying yes and a few who turn up after not RSVPing so who even knows how many kids are coming half the time?!

I think it's fine to ask but not ok to get angry if the host says no.

If it's a pay per head party like soft play then I'd write "siblings welcome at £10.50 but no food or party bag will be provided for them" because it's not any extra hassle in those cases.

OP, bless you - you're taking this FAR too personally!

I have 2 and always ask. It makes my life so much easier when it's possible. When it's not possible I fully understand and take it with good grace, obviously.

I would never expect a party bag or any cake for the 'spare' sibling and I always bring my own treats for them so that they don't feel left out.

It sort of sounds like you (a) hate people with more than one child and (b) hate kids parties? You have my sympathy on the latter but not the former.

I think YABU and you should chill out. Hope the party goes great though!

I'm planning a children's party at the moment and I can't believe the number of people who haven't asked, but simply told me that siblings are coming.

Most infuriating is that three separate parents have responded to the effect that 'Jimmy & co are looking forward to it' - not even saying how many they're planning to bring! So awkward, I'm thinking- do I need to respond asking 'so what the fuck do you mean by '& co''?!

I think it's rude. The birthday child should have who they want at their party taking into account the parents limitations budget/amount of guests of course.
Imagine an invitees older or younger sibling dominating or spoiling the party with bad behavior. It reminds of those families that give gifts to siblings when it not their birthday so they don't feel left out.

It’s not always about cost, though, can’t you understand that?
It’s about specific activities being unsuitable for younger children, allowable headcount if there are entertainers involved (they’ll usually put a cap on numbers), the child wanting to play with their friends and not a huge rent-a-crowd, older children not want to have to tiptoe around lots of tiny children toddling about…
If you want to rent a barn with no age specific activities on offer that’s up to you, but some people plan the type of party their child wants and don’t want to tailor it to suit younger children their child doesn’t even know.

Why would you ask a second child to go to a DROP OFF PARTY just because their sibling is?

Why would you assume OP hates kids just because she doesn’t want extra children that she doesn’t know being dropped off into her care?

When you ask, do you explicitly say 'no party bag or food etc for child #2'?

Or do you leave it open?

That's the part that's bothering me about the siblings that have been foisted on our party. I hate tat so I've organised quality craft kits instead of party bags- they cost £4 each. So now im looking at 20 extra guests- it's not an insignificant cost difference.

I would feel horrible handing party bags out to some kids but not others. Don't they cry and get upset when their brother gets a party bag/cake and they don't?

I don't think it's rude at all to ask. I'm a single parent, but personally I would just expect to leave my 5 year old there and I'd go entertain the others elsewhere. If you expect or insist parents stay, then you are being unreasonable - basically excluding the children of single parents! I'd not return the invite in those circumstances.

I always ask because my DH isn’t always able to have my youngest.l. I always either pay for him and/or bring his lunch. I don’t expect my youngest to take part. I don’t expect a party bag for him either.

I think you’re pretty ignorant to assume people bring siblings because out of choice and not necessity.