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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

551 replies

Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 11:23

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

OP posts:
windywalk · 08/06/2023 12:03

I'm not sure how to reply directly.

If it was a party at soft play & sibling is going to be sat with me at a table minding her own business no I wouldn't ask the host.

I wouldn't be expecting her to join in, be fed or be supplied with a party bag.

If it were a house party/ smaller setting something restricted by numbers I would do my utmost to have someone look after sibling or for someone else to take along the invited child but if I had zero options I would run it past the host.

I would be mortified if I thought someone we had invited to a party couldn't come because their Mum or Dad had childcare issues.

I guess we are all different.

As per usual people who take the piss turning it into a family outing or expecting extra kids to be included make everyone look bad.

Gizlotsmum · 08/06/2023 12:03

I must have been very lucky. I used to take sibiling as oh worked every sat. Would always ask and would not expect them to be included or offer to drop and run. He always got offered food, drink (despite me having some for him) and invite’s didn’t stop.

onlythe · 08/06/2023 12:04

I don't think it's rude to ask as long as they accept it might be a no. If I were asked I would simply answer yes if I could accommodate and no if I couldn't. What is definitely rude is not asking and turning up with siblings/ cousins/ friends/ neighbours kids and expecting them to be accepted. I've seen this even with soft play which is £10-£20 per head.

Nevermind31 · 08/06/2023 12:06

I think it is fine to ask.
DC has 8th birthday party with an activity suited to 8 year olds, and limited in numbers. We stated no siblings for activity but welcome to watch and eat cake after.
but then my younger DC is friends with most younger siblings…

BelindaBears · 08/06/2023 12:06

I think parents should read the situation. Party in a church hall? Probably going to be ok. Party in a soft play with a hard cap on numbers and paying per child beyond that? Incredibly rude to ask, you’re basically asking for the hosting family to pay for all of your children rather than the one their child actually wants there. Unless it’s a close friend of my child, I’d rather the child wasn’t there than have them and one or more of their siblings there too.

I feel a bit sorry for the kids who never get to do anything without their siblings tagging along too.

brunettemic · 08/06/2023 12:06

Depends what sort of party it is. If one of ours gets invited to say a party at Ninja Warrior I’d probably just say I need to bring the other one and I’ll pay for them to go in.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/06/2023 12:07

lieselotte · 08/06/2023 11:55

But I thought all MNers had wide extended families and massive friendship groups who they could always ask to help. After all, you shouldn't have kids according to some MNers if you don't have the extra help mapped out for 18 years!

(see threads about being available to collect kids from school within 5 minutes if they feel unwell)

Show quote history

I've definitely seen this phenomena on MN before.

I think parents should use their judgement, a soft play where you can pay extra and buy/bring their own food is probably fine, a small home with limited numbers less so.

namechange003 · 08/06/2023 12:08

As a single parent I never have a choice to take the sibling, but if it's a paid activity I will pay for the child, if it's a different kind of activity I will bring a book/iPad etc as entertainment and they stay with me, I never expect my other child to be fed but 9/10 prior to the party the parent has offered to cater for sibling. I think if it was me personally it would depend on the party activity! If a paid thing with limited spaces such as a trampoline park etc I'd not allow siblings (unless they pay separately) unless was someone v close to, but if was a village hall etc I'd cater for them if I had numbers prior.

Hankunamatata · 08/06/2023 12:10

Well at least they asked I suppose. Worse they could have just tipped up

JusthereforXmas · 08/06/2023 12:12

Depends on whats the party and what they are expecting.

Its been common for parents to bring a sibling along if its a soft play etc... they dont have to ask its a public venue but they should pay their own kid in an not expect food/party bags etc... as their kid isn't a party guest just a soft play customer.

I wouldn't want my DS friends not to come just because of something like they cant get a babysitter though, thats tragic and sets a very selfish 'we dont care about people' example to your kids.

A party is literally MADE by the guests without them there isn't a party at all and I can imagine theres nothing worse party wise than seeing your kid upset because their best friend or worse no one came to their party (over issues that are easily fixed by the host not being awkward and throwing up roadblocks).

I have never been to a birthday party in a house ever (unless you count the one pre-teen sleepover with 4 of us and that was weird to be honest) and in 14 years of hosting whole class parties for my kids I have NEVER had the whole class show up. The most was 22 invited kids (+5 siblings who caused no issue, 3 older ones played football on a field outside the venue and 2 babies slept through it or bounced on their parents knee taking no part in it).

FrangipaniBlue · 08/06/2023 12:13

I'm going against the grain and saying it IS rude to ask!!

If you don't have childcare for a sibling then you decline the invite and state the reason.

It is then up to the inviting parent to OFFER that you can bring siblings or drop and leave the invited child.

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 12:13

FrangipaniBlue · 08/06/2023 12:13

I'm going against the grain and saying it IS rude to ask!!

If you don't have childcare for a sibling then you decline the invite and state the reason.

It is then up to the inviting parent to OFFER that you can bring siblings or drop and leave the invited child.

This.

Parker231 · 08/06/2023 12:15

We added on the invite - sorry we are unable to accommodate siblings due to numbers/activity etc

Original poster
Amillionyearsago · 08/06/2023 12:16

Totally fine to drop and run - not a problem at all. And these dads are definitely of the off cycling/playing rugby variety. Party bags for siblings will very much be expected. In some of the cases, supervision of the younger child will also be very much expected while the parent sits drinking a cup of tea.

Party is at home but limited numbers are dictated by the party entertainer. Also the fact that I just can’t fit any more into the room in our house where the entertainer is going to be. To be absolutely blunt, I don’t think anyone wants 60 children at a birthday party they’re organising. I’ve just had another request from one family to bring 4 siblings along. Sadly, it would
be lovely if we lived in a mansion but unfortunately our lives are a bit less exciting than that, and I just don’t have the facilities to run a crèche.

I do of course absolutely appreciate that that means that not all the kids will then be able to come, and that’s completely reasonable. It’s unfortunate, but I really do feel that the polite thing to do would still be to either drop and run or decline the invitation if you have no other childcare. Trying to make the host feel too embarrassed to say no just isn’t considerate.

OP posts:
Merryhobnobs · 08/06/2023 12:16

I think it also depends on the sort of party - at a venue with a set activity, cinema etc then it is pretty obvious it would be a no go. If it is a picnic in a park then I think it is fairly reasonable to ask. My daughter has a party to go to tomorrow at a place (like a farm park) where the party children will have a tour and activities. I plan to take my other child, pay our entrance fee and take him off to do his own thing. I tend to plan parties like a hall with bouncy castle or picnic so siblings can be accommodated. Partly because my friends have more than one child, childcare easier etc. AS long as the request is politely made then there is no harm in saying 'I am sorry we cannot accommodate any extra children this time'

BelleMarionette · 08/06/2023 12:17

Yabu. It's not rude to ask. Many are fine with siblings, I am.

It's not about the other parent not wanting to look after the sibling. There are single parent families, and many who work weekends or shifts. I'm surprised you don't realise this.

As a shift worker, if siblings aren't permitted at a party when I'm working, my child wouldn't be able to go (unless child attending party can be dropped and collected). Which I accept, but you also need to accept that not allowing siblings may mean less kids able to attend.

gogohmm · 08/06/2023 12:17

My exh worked Saturdays and until 7pm weekdays, if it wasn't a drop off party I couldn't let my DD's go unless they both could come. Thankfully then most birthday parties were drop off

Begonne · 08/06/2023 12:19

If it’s drop and go then yes, it’s rude. If you expect parents to stay then you need to factor in siblings.

TrueScrumptious · 08/06/2023 12:21

Virtually all parties at primary school level for my DC were house parties, sometimes with an activity as well -a cinema trip, etc. Summer birthdays often were a picnic in the park. Whole class parties are definitely not a thing. A small handful of children -seven or so.

Dulra · 08/06/2023 12:21

I am baffled by the responses here so wonder am I missing something. I have never ever been asked to accommodate siblings of party invitees Why would a parent not have childcare for the sibling? One of their kids has been invited to a party why would that impact siblings?

soggydigestives · 08/06/2023 12:21

I think it's so rude! I've taken DD to so many parties where toddler siblings have been running around, I keep my toddler at home I wouldn't even dream of asking unless super stuck for childcare, in which instance I'd probably drop off and not stay. I Find it bizarre!

BelindaBears · 08/06/2023 12:22

TrueScrumptious · 08/06/2023 12:21

Virtually all parties at primary school level for my DC were house parties, sometimes with an activity as well -a cinema trip, etc. Summer birthdays often were a picnic in the park. Whole class parties are definitely not a thing. A small handful of children -seven or so.

I’ve been to 12 5th birthday parties this year and only 2 were not whole class parties. They’re a thing.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 08/06/2023 12:22

I wouldn't mind it from a lone parent but the ones near me that do this are married couples with both "halves" working conventional weekday jobs, and they either send "Aww we'd love to come but we've noone to leave Johnny with" messages to the host - they do - the other parent - or the entire family of four/five wants to rock up to the party. No thanks!

Flowersandherbs · 08/06/2023 12:23

I threw a village hall party and a CF friend turned up with three uninvited kids. ( I only invited youngest) older kids were able to be left with eldest teenager. But no, without warning she rocked up with the whole tribe and started unwrapping food that wasn’t supposed to be opened yet.
found out she had form for this as she was a raging coke head and would often have no food in the house at weekends so relied on grandparents and party invites to feed the kids. She has lost custody of them all now.
i would never assume extras could stay at a party, excluding babes in arms who don’t eat or get in the way. Also above 5 most kids don’t need their parents to stay.

SuzieBishop · 08/06/2023 12:24

I just hosted our first ever birthday party the other week - my daughter turned 4 and we had a party in the village hall.
We had both - 2 different mums turned up with siblings (didn't message to ask if it was ok) and also we had one mum turn up with her husband and 2 siblings. I found it a bit cheeky and they won't be getting invited to any other parties.
I also don't think you should have to state on an invitation that siblings aren't invited. I literally messaged saying MyDaughter really wants to invite YourDaughter to her party. Not YourDaughterAndHerLittleBrother. She's been invited to 4 nursery birthday parties and I wouldn't just assume I could take her big sister.