AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

I mentioned my children's parties upthread. They didn't fall into either of your very narrow categories. I was hospitable enough to invite all the children in my children's classes (small classes - max 10 children) plus their siblings and parents/grandparents/nannies. For some parents, it was a 1.5 hour round trip to our house - far easier for them just to bring their other children and all stay. The children all knew one another extremely well, and knew the siblings of all their classmates too. We regularly went on days out with them all. Why wouldn't we include them in a party?

Slightly different scenario, then 🤷🏻‍♀️
Mist people don’t go on days out with their child’s entire class including parents and grandparents.
It really isn’t the norm.

You called people inhospitable and said you were ashamed to be British. My parties aren't a narrow viewed selection, generally at no party is it okay other than at the shitty mum invites her friends and family friends party to cement her own friendships and ignoring what the kid actually wants.
If your kid wants to invite their whole class, which is normally 30, and some friends from outside or school, you might have 40 already, how can this be considered inhospitable? Which is what you called people on here. Why should invitation be extended to 1-2 extra siblings per family that the kid doesn't know?
The same if a family have a budget for 10 kids, and no ability to cater for more, the birthday child chooses their closest friends, leaving many out and is probably upset by it, and then some gatecrashing cheeky fucker imposes their other kids on to the party. Think of other people.

This! Dads do nothing at the weekend as their SAHM cover all their childcare (as per their internal agreement which is fine if it works for them) but then siblings are always included in birthdays, play dates etc etc. sorry if you are a single mother at the weekend but it is really up to you and accepting not only to serve your husband during the week but the weekend when he relaxes and purses his hobbies after working very hard during the week (which implies you have done nothing!)

I don't know why you are commenting and insulting people - you must be aware that they aren't parties with classes of 10 close knit friends and no financial constraint scenarios that people are discussing.
And why have a party 1.5 hour away from most - you have it where most of the kids live, usually nearest the school. A big selfish ask. I assume private school and scattered but still a bit dickheadish.

Was it nice for your under 1 year old to stay strapped in the pushchair for 2 hours watching other kids having fun?

Eh? Who was I insulting?

I was responding to someone who came up with an either/or scenario, and said there was a third possibility too.

I am not aware of having insulted anyone, unless someone finds it insulting that someone else does things differently from them.

Yes, my children were at independent schools, and their classmates came from a wide area. Obviously I had my children's parties at home, because it worked better for us. You seem to imagine I had an unlimited budget, but that was far from the case - one reason we never went down the 'organised activity' route was that it was too expensive. A party at home was a lot cheaper, even with additional guests. Some other families did the same. Others hired out venues which sometimes meant a 90 minute round trip for me (did also sometimes manage lift-sharing with a couple of friends who were more local).

Why is it so hard to imagine that different people do things in different ways, without calling them "selfish"?

I think it depends on the age of the children, if its an 8 year olds party and they are trying to bring a 3/4 year old it’s a bit off but if very close in age I’d probably ask if they wanted to come anyway.

Saying that I always try not to bring my youngest to eldest friends parties, surely you can drop them off and take your other one to park etc and come back later?- again depends on the age of the children as to whether they are old enough to be left .

I don’t think it’s rude at all for people to ask - it’s more about logistics. Often people don’t have two parents available and so families move in a pack so to speak. I always assume siblings are invited when I arrange my children’s bday parties. I think it’s actually polite these people are checking - I would just assume and show up with my baby!

It's ok if children are still having parents staying too ( it was upto age about 6 for us) as could be a single parent or the other parent might be working etc but not if parents are dropping off extra children. Also as children are aged about 7 or above quite often party wouldn't be suitable for younger ones.

Depends on the party
a trampolining/ bowling type party where you have booked spaces. No I wouldn’t expect them to participate but if there was no other option would still bring them along.
if you hire a hall don’t really see what the problem is in taking a sibling and them having a little bounce on a bouncy castle/ dance for a disco.
I don’t think anyone would expect a sibling to get a party bag, you don’t need to plan the party around the siblings.
it’s in your house yeah I think it’s reasonable to say you don’t have the space.
generally though I wouldn’t think twice about taking a sibling, I have before where I haven’t even checked before going to halls, I don’t think it’s a problem and wouldn’t expect them to sit and eat so doesn’t cost the party parent any extra. An entertainer would absolutely be used to having siblings turn up and wouldn’t be funny about numbers

This is silly, most soft places I know will be packed out with loads of kids from the public anyway that the birthday child didn’t invite. Unless you’ve private hired the place as an exception I guess. And even still what’s the harm in having additional children in a huge soft play
soft play places normally do a hot meal and absolutely don’t think anyone would expect the sibling to eat, I’d just order a meal for the sibling and sit on another table with them to eat, like anyone else In the venue at the time

It is rude to ask. Especially at a drop and run scenario.

I had a 6th bday party for dd at home, and specifically said that parents were welcome to stay. Expected a few siblings but only ended up with 2 extras, they were older siblings and sat reading their books - their mums had asked and were very apologetic and I said it was fine as they weren't younger. That can really change the dynamic.

It sounds like part of the problem is some people not having much sense. A child a year or two younger in a public softplay is a very different proposition to a wild 8 year old on the rampage at a 4 year olds party in a smaller venue or a more expensive pay per person activity.

The entitlement in this post is something else.

You feeling obliged to offer to pay for non-invitees is a you problem, as is you feeling the need to get a bigger cake. If you want to get a say about who else is there when you choose to hold a party in a venue that's open to the public, you need to pay for the whole venue. Pay for the service you expect, don't try and get it on the cheap.

I disagree. Extra children turning up to a soft play party puts the host in an awkward position. There won’t be food or party bags for them, because the numbers will have been confirmed (and paid for) as long as two weeks beforehand. At some venues, each child will receive their chosen meal in a box, similar to a Happy Meal.

It’s a very different scenario to a sibling turning up to a party in a village hall and eating some of the buffet.

And 😆 at this being a cheap option. If only!

Why is this entitled? They are paying for the service they expect - the service they expect is a party for their child and their child’s friends. Not their child and their friends and a load of random siblings their child probably doesn’t even know.

@StormShadow

Are you saying you would feel totally fine handing out food boxes, cake and party bags in front of a child who was receiving nothing? For reasons they might not even be old enough to understand?

I personally wouldn't do that to a child. And a younger sibling having a massive tantrum over missing out would spoil the enjoyment for the invited children and birthday child.

Obviously it's a free country and anyone can pay for soft play entry, but following along with the party creates awkwardness and would absolutely increase costs for the hosts.

Absolutely I am, and if people feel obliged to provide things for uninvited guests in that situation, that's a choice. Any awkwardness and increased costs is on the host, and if you know you're going to feel that way then don't have a party in a public venue without paying for full usage. People who expect to be able to control whether others attend a venue they haven't fully booked are the ones in the wrong.

Sometimes life's too short to worry about what someone else feels obliged to do. Yes I'd hand out party bags etc to the invited children only in that case.

I can't believe this is still running . The entitlement is off the charts. The name on the invite is who the invite is for. Anything else is taking the bloody piss & you all know it.

Jeezo.

@beachcitygirl exactly! Parents wanting to bring siblings should be warned you will not pay their ticket nor provide food or partybags. You might mention it on the invitation : this is a private party for only the birthday-kid and his/her closest friends. And let me tell you I have some experience! Like my young daughter's best friend dropped of with her two brothers - uninvited ánd unannounced, I didn't even know the boys - on a day off at their school. And their stepfather jumping in his car and driving of before I had reached the frontdoor.

yes, it’s incredibly rude. But when did this expectation arise that parents would stay with primary school kids at parties? it sounds like hell. 80s/90d kids parties I went to didn’t extend to the hosts having to also facilitate and host parents/guardians/siblings of the invitees.

Some soft play venues might have two or more parties taking place at the same time (in different party rooms), plus quite a few customers who aren’t party guests, but are using the play equipment and cafe. There are small centres which allow you to book the whole venue, but the large venue which hosted DD’s recent party didn’t offer that option. After all, they could make far more money by “multi-tasking”.

There was no issue with strangers gatecrashing the party rooms, which were upstairs. Problems only arose if guests’ parents brought uninvited siblings in.