AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

Asking if there is capacity for a sibling is not making anything the host's problem to sort out. They just have to say no!

Social skills amongst parents must be at a low if so many people find it awkward to politely decline a request to have a sibling.

I genuinely can't see what is so difficult about it🙄

I suppose asking is more polite than not asking and turning up.

DD had a party at home once, which was a drop and go party....small friend turns up with Mum and younger sibling, and despite everyone else dropping off she insists on staying with younger child - I mean, why?? So I had a random child and random parent (older sibling wasn't upset or wanting Mum to stay btw) for the duration of the party...Mum encouraged younger sibling to join in games and get a party bag at the end!

Also a child in DD's year would turn up with whole family to parties, to be fair big parties in village hall etc...so Mum, Dad and older sister, who was all decked out in party dress etc would join in all the games and 9/10 win them because she was ya'know older. Seemed the height of cheeky to me. Fair enough ask to bring along if childcare issue, but if both parents are there this is clearly not the case.

Utter piss take

I think asking is fine but it’s best to put as much info as possible on the original invite.

Parents welcome to stay / Sorry no siblings etc.

Past eg age 6 most parents will assume it’s fine to leave the kids, so if definitely don’t invite more kids then you are comfortable having sole charge of!

YANBU at all

but man parents are rude, confuse parties with free childcare. Just as rude as the ones who "drop and run" the younger ones.

At least people did reply, how many threads where no one bothers with RSVP and think they are too grand to communicate!

Fine to ask

Fine to say no

Rude to bring them without asking

I’d rather they ask, so you can say no, than just turn up with them. Although this is why I prefer doing soft play parties, people don’t tend to ask as they know you’ve paid per child and if they do bring siblings they know they have to pay for their entry themselves.

The worst I have had is at a party for my DD when kids were too small for drop off. A couple of parents asked if siblings could come. This was fine. A few more appeared on the day. Then by the end of the party there was another smaller sibling. The mum told me “everyone was having so much fun I got her dad to bring her up”!! I wondered why I had run out of plates!

Absolutely. I’d be gutted if one of my DS’ friends declined a party invite because their parents were too polite to ask if a sibling could come.

Im always happy to have siblings, if I have notice I’ll sort a party bag. If they don’t ask and didn’t have childcare it really wouldn’t be the end of the world. If it was soft play they usually have a list of names anyway and are asked to pay on the door.

People are so uptight. They’re kids, not parasites.

As you’re happy for the parents not to stay I would just respond saying that unfortunately siblings can’t be accommodated but you are happy for the child to be left. If they ask any further it is rude as childcare is the only reason why it is acceptable to want to bring siblings.

This would be unheard of in the long ago days of my own birthday parties, or even my children's parties. Why do people do it?

If the invitees do not ask ahead of the event then they are out of order.

Surely Year 1 is drop and go? We’re planning a 5th birthday party in the autumn for DD1 when she starts reception and I’ll be offering parents the option to drop and go.

@prescribingmum It's got nothing to do with social skills. It's a bit entitled asking people to change plans and make room for siblings. If you say no you're then made to feel guilty about it. If their name isn't on the invitation they're not invited

The fact that it's at home, no thats so rude of them. A public play area yes, and pay for their own. But not your house! The cheek.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's rude to just turn up with them. It's also perfectly fine to say sorry, no.

Don't know if it was an 80s thing or cultural (Caribbean), but as a child parties were children running around the garden while bowls of cheap snacks lay on a table in the middle. Parents rocked up with all their kids and chatted and drank while the kids ran wild. It was as much fun for parents as the kids as it was a social event.

Simpler times.

I appreciate you are having a rant, but I think perhaps you have phrased it very badly and are not showing yourself in a great light. Some empathy would go a long way here - people may be asking to bring other children for all sorts of reasons.

I am alone with two young children. My children have no contact with their father and it is not safe for them to do so - this is not a fact I try to publicise widely as I do not want my children marked out as different. Until I was left in this position, I may have felt the same as you. Now, I understand the struggle of being truly alone and having sole responsibility for young children and the hard balancing act that comes with that.

My children are not at at age when you can "drop and run". I will therefore often have to ask if I can bring the other sibling to parties so I know whether the invited child can go, but I try to do this in such a way as the host is more than able to say no if they can't come for any reason at all. I'll perhaps say "it's totally fine if not, but I'm just checking so I can sort out a babysitter for my other one if needed". If they can come, I obviously offer to pay for the second child (if it is at soft play for example), make sure I sort their own food etc... Some say yes, some say no. It's not a big deal to any of us (that I know).

When I organise my children's parties, I try to do so in a way that includes families like mine eg hire a cheap village hall, cater with sarnies from the supermarket and get a disco/entertainer in so the number of kids doesn't matter and often works better with more. I have been to several parties like this now, and I think they are definitely better when there are more kids running round to create an atmosphere. There is nothing worse than a children's party with no/limited kids and adults trying to force fun. I appreciate that this can have cost implications and the situation is different with older kids, but with older kids you can drop and run so it's less of an issue.

I don't care if people ask me about bringing siblings - in fact I put that they are welcome on my invites but ask that I am told so I can cater etc... I see no problem with people asking in a respectful way, so long as they are not difficult about the answer if it is not the one they want.

It's all very well to say 'you can just say no' however There are a lot of cultural pressures around hosting. Being a good host is really important in my culture.

Personally I wouldn't feel I could say no to a request like that. I certainly could never have guests come and then not provide them with the same food, cake and party gift as everyone else. It would make me feel like I was being miserly and inhospitable.

So I would be obligated to say yes, even if it pushed my budget and changed the plans I had already made.

I really don't understand people saying 'well unless they both go neither can'. Right, so if they can only go together or not at all, who is looking after them in the 'not at all' category? Perhaps look after your own child who hasn't been invited?

I had a parent do this to me. It was £15 a head and I'd already paid the full amount which I struggled with in the first place, then was charged an extra £15 on leaving despite them just turning up and asking 'is it ok? I didn't want them to feel left out'. Could hardly say no but the least she could have done was offered to pay that child's share.

@Amillionyearsago YANBU

I have asked once, DC was reception age so I couldn’t drop and run, DP was away and it was a generic party in a scout hall, no entertainment or restricted numbers etc.

I wouldn’t have been offended if they’d said no and absolutely did not expect a party bag/cake etc. for the toddler. Equally I wouldn’t mind people asking me.

If it was a soft play type thing where you pay per guest I wouldn’t have asked.

Ive done 2 parties for DS1 so far. Soft play and hall party. Ages 5 and 6. I didnt say anything about siblings at soft play. Was bloody expensive and I couldnt afford extra. For his hall party, I have told the parents I get on well with siblings are free to attend. But I and DS both know the siblings quite well. I would be annoyed if any other siblings just rocked up tbh. I think it is rude.

This.

When my DD had her last birthday party I knew some of the invited kids had siblings. So they were invited as well.

There were also siblings who were babes in arms.

Unfortunately one parent decided to bring two other older children without telling me. The thing that annoyed me was if she had asked her other children would have been invited and included in everything. Instead they had to be randomly taken outside and sat on the sidelines. I had no issue paying for them to be included if she had simply asked.

Where there is room and people can afford it other siblings will be accommodated.

No. It's not rude. Especially at year 1 where siblings can't be left alone at home alone. Not all families have a second parent available at all times to watch the siblings.

But the plastic tat - cut back on that. A book and a lolly/chocolate attached is one trick.

depends where you are? It's fine to offer and let people decide, but locally people who assumed they could drop and go are really not popular.

Many Y1 are too young to be fully independent, it's not physically possible for 1 (or even 2) parents to be in charge of the group, keep an eye on what they are doing while taking a few to the loos. It might be ok in a private home, but not in a public place. Around here, no one ever has home parties, guessing we all want to avoid the mess and stress!

If it's clearly a drop-and-go party, then it's very rude and cheeky to ask if siblings can go too. Why should party host have to look after other kids just so their parents can have a free afternoon?!
But if it's a parents-staying party then that's different - if child care is hard to find then it's reasonable to politely ask if siblings can come too, but with no expectation of party bag etc.