AIBU to think it’s rude to try to being siblings to a party?

[Amillionyearsago]

I know, I know - I missed a trick by not stating upfront on the invitation that we couldn’t have siblings. But seriously, I sent out some birthday party invitations this morning and have already had five requests that siblings come too. I have obviously replied politely to say that unfortunately we can’t do that this year, but AIBU to think that it’s really, really ill mannered, inconsiderate and entitled to ask and put people in that position in the first place?!

Most party entertainers will only accommodate a certain number of kids - you know, a number which often closely matches the number of kids in a Y1 class, for example. No, my child doesn’t want to not invite one of their friends so that your DH doesn’t have to look after his own toddler for the afternoon. If we wanted little Johnny to come, we would have invited him. As we didn’t, I think it’s fairly safe for you to assume that my DC wants to fill the limited available spaces at their own birthday party with their own friends, not a child they’ve never met. Yes, I appreciate that that means that you might not be able to come, which is a shame, but unfortunately that decision sits with you. It really isn’t reasonable to dump it in the lap of someone who already has 30 kids in their house and doesn’t really want to have 60. I don’t want to have to source different party bags for four different age groups or tailor the activities so your other children can do them too. Frankly, it was quite enough to be organising a party for one age group!

Phew. Rant over. Sorry, everyone. Back to the buying of horrendous plastic party bag tat…

Seriously it's not a lot. Have you hosted a comparable party before? You'd know, if you had, that all but the same selfish one or two (with partner sat at home) will feel the need to bring the siblings. May be you and others saying yes are those people.

I’ve never taken my child to a party only a sibling was invited to. But I am know I’m lucky to not be a single parent and so I don’t begrudge the odd person asking. Sometimes I say yes, sometimes no depending on whether it will cost me money/space/how much my child gets on with sibling

Does little Johnny then join in with the games, tuck into the party food or expect a party bag, @FFF3? If he isn’t allowed to spoil the party for the birthday child and their invited guests, only eats if you are told he can, and doesn’t expect a party bag, then your blithe assumption he will be welcome probably isn’t too far wrong - but if he spoils the party games, eats party food when he isn’t catered for in the numbers, and throws a strop when he doesn’t get a party bag, then you would be a bit of a CF to take him along.

But what about others? They may have gone to great difficulty to organise childcare, partner may have taken time off work, etc. Why should your friend be excepted?it's up to you since you are the organiser, but don't say it's pleasant or nice or fair.
Again, it's the case, of your inviting your friends kid, rather than your child's actual friend and is a slightly different case scenario.

been a while since my kids were little but quite a few were in halls with magicians/ bouncy castles . I think all had a few siblings there generally . All just waited on the sidelines and were invited to join in , no expectations of party bags though (we gave them out if we had extra though I didn’t want to be stuck with them
Ive definitely taken my smaller children to some if I needed to . Again no expectation to join in , just took own food and something to entertain ( or paid for soft play separately
I can only think of one time that someone asked beforehand if it was ok and offered to pay for her child and honestly didn’t have a problem with it .
my biggest worry though was that no one would come ( never happened but the thought was always there ! )

Haha, true, you have put this down much more eloquently than me.

It is not rude to ask. It is rude to presume.

I think it is inconsiderate to ask. And puts the host in an awkward position. Especially if quite a few people ask.

They usually can't, because they no longer are 2-3 closest friends aged 6 or 7 over for jelly and slice of cake in birthday child's house. While grandparents help mum etc.
Now kids are younger, guests are more, and venues arent usually home, and elaborate decorations and entertainment expected. Typically nobody but the most naive host would be up to looking after 30 kids aged 3, 4, or 5, 6 in a venue (that is usually a free for all with kids able to walk out and get lost), be taking them to the toilet, be wiping tears for those wanting mum or different food or whatever, resolving conflicts, all while running a party. Parents are expected to stay and rightly so.
Parties are different these days, at least the typical parties that get asked about on mn.

I don't think it's rude to ask. Some people don't have any alternative but to tote siblings around with them.

When my DC were little, I used to put "siblings/parents/nannies/grandparents/dogs welcome" on the invitations, because it was true. I used to do a load of extra party bags and food for additional adults and children. It was very good fun.

Sounds like you may have been excluded from quite a few and have only been to your friends' kids' birthdays or may be you are one of those special people that we are talking about, bringing a sibling to a class and child's own friends' party. Do you take them to work events too, etc? When do you stop, as teenagers do they continue going uninvited? As adults? What does it really teach a child, when at a birthday, they are the only uninvited sibling? They'll grow to be socially awkward adults like their parents.

Firstly, you're a mug for having 30 kids in your house!

Secondly, I have requested to bring a sibling before but only when it's been a softplay party and my husband is away - so I'm paying the admission and not expecting them to be fed - so essentially not really a party guest.

I also really do feel for single mums that find this sort of thing really difficult.

When my kids were young I used to share drop offs and pick ups with other mums. I think it’s incredibly rude to invite another child to a birthday party.

It puts pressure on them to say yes, who could possibly say no? It doesn't make it okay if you ask. You are making it convenient for yourself while inconvenicing the host who was very kind to invite your child.
If absolutely no childcare option, you ask another friendly parent guest to mind your kid while you stick around outside or whatever or just don't go. Possibly, and best avoided, may be you could ask the host if you can drop off (the host will have enough on their plate without needing to mind unaccompanied kids).
It's only okay to ask in the most exceptional circumstances.

Ah well done telling the CF to f off

Book annual leave then if the other parent is working weekend. Or go with one of the other many options that don't involve brining an uninvited guest.

Yes it’s rude! I gave up reading the thread because of the ridiculous excuses being made to say it’s ok.

Not an assumption at all but knowledge and a fact that the father is available but is having relaxing me time while mum is killing two birds with one stone and giving all the siblings a lovely day out and why shouldn't she since she's doing the birthday child a favour by attending at all. Such arrogant mad cheeky fuckers of mums and dads do exists and have been personally met.

That was lovely for the sibling. Less lovely for the host and birthday child but do they even matter as long as you benefit.

Did you offer to meet the costs, somehow try to compensate with presents from each child? Financial cost in the smaller concern you could have mitigated your cheeky fcukerly with since you have caused so much inconvenience brininging an unwanted guest.

Fair enough. I might also have thought differently if my children had had 30 children in their classes as even I might have run out of steam at that point. They were always in very small classes, so they all knew one another's parents (or nannies, in some cases) and siblings very well, too, so that probably also makes a difference. If you're doing things like playing hide and seek in the garden, it's more fun with lots of children.

You're right, though, that if an invitation is to one specific child, it does put the onus on the host to say yes to a sibling even if they'd rather not.

Some interesting toddlers that don't join in, don't eat and don't expect anything just sitting by the wall for 2 or 3 hours silently.
No biggy at all since if it was a hall and done cheaper and not per head but would have caused resentment in those who made their screaming toddlers wanting to go too stay at home or made elaborate childcare arrangements not to inconvenience you.
You cannot normally change names on bookings and substitute kids in case of cancellations at many party venues. And the costs in London can run £27-35 per head before all the other expenses.

🤣indeed

It sounds like maybe you've had a few requests and some haven't been as polite as they could have been.

Hopefully you'll have taken from this that you're perfectly entitled to say no. It's a flog having a kids party. Hope it goes well

I find those that don't RSVP far more annoying. I hate paying per head when I don't know if the child will turn up. Completely disrespectful. Happily let siblings come to fill slots if other parents have declined the invitation. But I can't do that if people don't RSVP.