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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Health visitor has made me feel shit

342 replies

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:18

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

OP posts:
Lwrenagain · 07/06/2023 21:36

@elm26 omg you're all so gorgeous! How are you looking so well after your lousy pregancy??!

Mate, HVs are either golden or arseholes, I refused my last one because she was so fucking rude. She showed up 3 hours early as I was assembling a plastic kitchen toy for my older DC, whilst I was building it, I let DC play with the box and she showed up before I'd tidied.
She told me that it was too cluttered etc but it wasn't, it was just being in the middle of doing something nice with my kids.
She made me feel shit.
I rang up and requested she didn't return and they apologised that she'd been hurtful and offered to send another one but I was too fed up of them at this point.
The next HV I had was bloody wonderful. Really is a lottery pal x

Bethany7 · 07/06/2023 21:36

Ps
Again you have to laugh sometimes at the ridiculousness of it all.
My best friend's health visitor told her that her mother (the grandmother) needed to have a shower before holding the baby as this lady was an occassional smoker and I mean 'occasional'.

OrangeFlorange · 07/06/2023 21:37

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Beautiful photo 🥰 congratulations x

OCDmama · 07/06/2023 21:37

Yup, sounds like a visit by a HV! 🙃.

It's almost like a hazing ritual all mums go through. The shitty health visitor!

Congratulations on your daughter, you look amazing and are doing so well.

su3uko · 07/06/2023 21:38

HV are optional after 6mth i think you should report her and get another one xx

IdealisticCynic · 07/06/2023 21:39

She sounds both awful AND wrong. Everything you have set out sounds perfectly normal. Tbh, if it wasn’t such an additional stress at what is already a stressful time, I’d suggest you complain about her. Please don’t let her get to you. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job.

LumpySpaceCow · 07/06/2023 21:40

Seeing a health visitor isn't compulsory- tell her you don't want visits and if you need any advice you will go to clinic. Alternatively, you, or your husband need to ring, complain and request to be allocated a different HV. She was a dick. You're doing great. I'd put money on the fact she doesn't have kids.

CombatBarbie · 07/06/2023 21:40

Didn't get past first 10 lines.... Request a new one and advise she needs people skills and up to date advice recision, to practice manager

ladymaiasura · 07/06/2023 21:40

So there is a risk of over feeding bottle fed babies. Look at paced feeding for how to ensure they can control how much milk they take. Perfect Prep machines are not recommended. There is a small infection risk as the small shot of hot water used before cold is added may not be enough to kill bacteria in the formula. Having said this, many people use them without incident and it is your decision if you are happy to do so.

Everything else she said is utter bollocks. You sound like you are doing a great job. It really is hit and miss whether you get a good health visitor. Some are amazing. Some think it’s ok to spout their opinions with no evidence. Don’t let her unfounded opinions get you down!

Heartsnrainbows · 07/06/2023 21:40

Oh tell her to not come again, thanks but no thanks. Never heard such bollocks in all my life. Literally none of that would concern me. I don't think a picture of me as a baby without our dog in it actually exists. He was by my side every minute of every day, slept by my cot at night.

When I was older I used to get in his bed with him and read him bedtime stories. I came to no harm from dog hair I can assure you.

Newname2323 · 07/06/2023 21:40

Some HV are so mean for no reason. I've had 1/3 be nice, the others looked for any reason to nitpick. I know it's for the safety of the baby but honestly some of the things they say are ridiculous. I just nod until I don't have to see them again.

Hedgehog93 · 07/06/2023 21:40

Honestly take no notice! I’m a FTM but after seeing 3 different incompetent laughable HV’s and walking out of one appointment after being reminded if I ever get stressed “don’t shake the baby” they literally are a joke. Best off speaking to real Mums! Xx

trebarwith1 · 07/06/2023 21:41

Ahhh what a lovely family you look!

The best thing a out having a baby in covid was the health visitor only visited once! Take no notice, most of them are batshit!

You are doing an amazing job. Trust your instincts x

Hugasauras · 07/06/2023 21:41

Nod and smile and ignore. We have a cocker spaniel too, as well as a cat, and have had two babies quite happily lie on their on their playmats on the floor. Our HV said a lot of stuff that was blatantly nonsense and so out of date, but I just smiled and said 'Okay, thanks!' then totally ignored it.

Beautiful baby, mummy and doggy! 😍

CoffeeLover90 · 07/06/2023 21:42

elm26 · 07/06/2023 20:27

Thanks so much everyone. You've made me feel a little better that maybe I am doing a good job.

She was just so abrupt and rude and really made me feel stupid.

Anyway, here is a picture of my out of control dog, an unhappy baby and worst mother of the year 😂

Got to keep it lighthearted because I could easily sink back into depression and I do not want that at all.

Sorry. I hadn't seen this update. How bloody amazing do you look?! You're smashing motherhood and putting me to shame ❤

obiwat · 07/06/2023 21:42

Beautiful photo!

snowydays10 · 07/06/2023 21:44

What a lovely
photo of you and your baby and dog.
ignore the health visitor!!! They talk so much rubbish, I was always upset after their stupid comments and my mother told me to ignore them. The first HV asked me what size my house was (if detached, how many bedrooms, what my husband did for a living) which was just nosy tbh. Then at my sons 1 year check, another HV told me off for using the tumble dryer as it’s clothes need to be “rough” to exfoliate the skin which honestly sounded like the biggest load of BS ever!!

ignore them, you got this mumma!!

pellegrina · 07/06/2023 21:44

I was a hv. I am not going to diss another hv out of hand but much of the advice you have been given is out of date or scaremongering (baby led feeding/2 hour waking/ dog hair). HV's can be super helpful and supportive. This one obviously isn't. Ask to change. Gorgeous photo btw.

tsmainsqueeze · 07/06/2023 21:45

Congratulations !
From one mom to another you sound like you know what you are doing and you are doing it well.
She is the worse kind of health visitor ! don't see her again and let them know why .
Your photo is really beautiful , you ,baby and dog.
I can't imagine what you have gone through to hold this precious soul in your arms , don't let this one experience with that silly woman spoil things ,don't give her another thought.

Anonymouseposter · 07/06/2023 21:45

If you just nod and smile and tell her everything is fine she’s likely to disappear quite quickly. You don’t have to have the service at all, but personally I would just go to the bare minimum of developmental checks and not draw any attention at all. She should get too busy to bother with you with luck. It sounds like you’re doing fine.

Viktorella · 07/06/2023 21:45

I've always said that you can replace most HVs with a set of weighing scales that also spits out a note saying "you're a bad mother". Pay no heed. Mine told me off for drinking a fizzy drink as it would give my baby gas... I just enjoyed the idea that I could carbonate my breast milk 🤣
Also, my daughters grew up in a house full of cat hair and, in line with all the evidence about the benefits of exposure to animals from a young age, they are both incredibly healthy.

Emdubz · 07/06/2023 21:46

I still remember my health visitor making me feel shit 26 years ago!
I’d noticed my baby doing sucking motions with his mouth during his sleep and I wanted to ask if this might mean he was hungry.
I got as far as saying what I’d noticed and didn’t get chance to ask my question before she interrupted me and said ‘well of course he will he’s not a doll you know!’

I felt so stupid and just sat there while she lectured me; still remember the feeling of humiliation 😞

My second health visitor was absolutely wonderful though.

NiceParkingSpotRitaThanksJanet · 07/06/2023 21:46

What a load of shite!! I'm not a HV but am a mental health professional who has worked in perinatal mental health so I've met lots. Unfortunately what you get is people presenting their own opinions in their professional role, which can lead to huge variations in advice. I remember when I was pregnant in 2021 and I had so many midwives tell me different things about the covid jab and whether to have it. I also had a health visitor horrified by our 2 cats for similar reasons you've mentioned here, and a nurse at my sons 12 week immunisation appointment tell me that co-sleeping was dangerous and offered me the Lullaby Trust info on it (which has guidelines for safe cosleeping) I advised her I was well aware of the information and that it did contradict her opinion.

You sound like you and your husband are doing an amazing job. Congratulations on your little one, don't let one woman's opinions ruin this special time x

HappySonHappyMum · 07/06/2023 21:48

My HV told me that I was overfeeding my 9lb 5oz baby and that I shouldn't feed him as much and just let him cry so he drops to a lower percentile. He was on the 95th percentile for height and weight 3 months. He's now 6ft 4inches tall - I'd take the HV's comments with a HUGE pinch of salt!

fguuh · 07/06/2023 21:49

Congratulations on your baby!! Gorgeous photo of you both.

I have 4DC and have personally never woke them and fed them as much as they wanted. I think for most people health visitors are just not useful at all and I think a lot give outdated advice.