Health visitor has made me feel shit

[elm26]

Health visitor came and all she did is criticise.

2.5 week old baby is having too much formula (4oz every 3.5-4 hours) she's hungry and I'm not going to deny her it. I should be waking her every 2 and giving her 2oz apparently. She scared the life out of me saying if I let her sleep for 3-4 hours, she could go into a deep sleep and never come out of it (cot death).

She doesn't like the play mat that we have for her (just one of those soft ones with toys above) as we have a spaniel and apparently she should never be on the floor as we have a dog including for dog hair reasons. Spaniel is 8 years old, not boisterous, we NEVER leave them in the same room together, if she's on her mat one of us sits right next to her so dog can have a sniff of her head then he wanders off to lay down. They are ALWAYS supervised. I would never want any harm to come to her and it's also my responsibility as a dog owner to make sure he's calm and not stressed too. We've kept his routine the same, I put baby in sling and walk for an hour every morning and then DH takes him out for a further 30 minutes in evening. He seems happy and settled, no jealousy or warning signs.

The dog hair, what can I do? I literally Hoover every single day (1 bed flat so only takes 5 mins max), my flat is clean (I actually have OCD), I hate clutter, my DH has been great and we've been keeping on top of everything so it's not like she walked into a state, I'm proud of my home.

She doesn't like that we use the perfect prep machine for the bottles. I explained I can't breastfeed as at first she wouldn't latch despite numerous attempts and help from midwives and secondly my milk dried up so quickly. She was a tiny 5lb 15oz when she was born because my placenta stopped working and she stopped growing. I already feel guilty enough about this and honestly, enough was enough and I chucked in the towel and moved her to Aptamil to get some food into her. She is now 1lb over her birth weight and midwives say she is thriving. HV thinks we should be using the boiling water method.

Apparently I shouldn't have a Moses basket mattress protector under the Moses basket sheet. It's not padded or thick or anything like that, it's super thin and from Mamas and Papas for Moses baskets, surely they wouldn't sell if not safe?

She doesn't like how I held her, on my chest with her head tucked to one side. I do this as skin to skin for a couple of hours a night to make her feel secure and close. She said it's dangerous in case I fall asleep. I do this around 7pm with DH in the room with me.

I just feel like utter shit now. I had 13 miscarriages, this little girl is my whole world and my DH and I have felt on top of the world since having her and really thought we were doing a great job as a team. Obviously I'm never going to know it all and I'm also a first time Mum.

I've suffered horrifically with depression and anxiety in the past including inpatient treatment in a psychiatric hospital after my 13th miscarriage for severe depression and grief.

I was so proud of myself and DH for having this content baby who's put on weight, seems super healthy and we love her so much. I've booked in to start a baby massage/yoga/first aid and music class with her starting in a couple of weeks and now I'm dreading it in case others judge me.

I'm dreading her coming back 😢

Don't tell them all your business, keep
It minimal. Smile, nod, say all the things she wants to hear than shut the door behind her.

Ignore her you sound like you are doing everything you should be. Our dog lies on the play mat next to our 8 month old. The baby tries to lick the dog 🤷‍♀️ our health visitor is fine about it as long as we are sitting next to them, she's got dogs herself so that probably helps.

I lost all faith in HVs when at ds 4-6 month check (think he was about 5 months) she asked how much he was taking formula wise and I said I didn't know as EBF. So then she wanted to know how long for and how often. Said it varies tbh, 3 times overnight, numerous times during the day and she said it was too much, limit him to every 4 hours for about 20 mins each breast. Said fuck off (politely) cos I feed on demand but she argued and said he would never sleep.over night snacking 😒

She then said I would need to wean him at 6 months anyway. Asked why? 'Cos this poster here says 'give your baby breastmilk only until 6 months'. This was when they didn't want you to give solids until 6 months. Argued it didn't mean that at all, but she wouldn't have it, then tried to make me agree to a home visit at 26 weeks to discuss weaning plans. Told her she was a disgrace, complained at the front desk about her and to my GP practice. I did get a card through the door at 26 weeks saying 'health visitor called but you were out, please contact us to rearrange' but just lobbed it in the bin.

Request a new health visitor. I'm no expert but I know she's talking shit.
Massive congratulations to you both, sounds like you're doing amazing. ❤
I also had a dog, he was 9 when son was born, there was never jealousy. They were never alone together either, although that was hard at times as dog was so protective he wouldn't leave DSs side.
I also have a cat. He hated him as a baby.
My hv was very down to earth, never raised concerns about the pets. DS had 4oz every 3 hours. He slept 7 hours from 6 weeks old.
I'll ask you this, how would you feel if I woke you from a lovely sleep and waved biscuits in your face? So why wake a content and fed baby every 2 hours??
I'm so angry on your behalf after everything you've already gone through.
I hope the amount of people confirming it's bull shit is reassuring you a bit.

You are doing brilliantly.

She sounds horrendous and reminds me of the health visitor that made me cry after having my first. I wish I had nodded and smiled and not let it effect me but being tired and hormonal it really got me down.

Please try not to let her negativity impact you.

On a side note, the guilt I felt about not breastfeeding my first son after he had problem latching really ruined what should have been a magical time. It's a regret I'll have for life, I should have delighted in him thriving and felt no guilt.

Health visitors follow the research and the cover their backs. If there should be a dog attack, they can document that they have told you, otherwise they could get some blame. They tell you the ideal and then it is up to you what you do when they have gone. Most do have children, as it is usually a nine to five job and not like the ward shifts. Like any job some communicate well others not.

I was going to type this. I was told that my prem needed feeding a minimum of every three hours.

Prep machines aren't recommended by most professionals.

But don't stress too much about any of it.

Most of what she said sounds completely ridiculous and there is absolutely nothing you've said you're doing that sounds wrong!
I don't know if the suggestion to feed your baby two hourly is due to her low birth weight but it sounds like she has gained well with what you are doing anyway.
The only thing I wouldn't mind her saying is about use of the perfect prep machine as there are claims that they can potentially cause problems. I was quite resistant to getting one but did in the end as we had been pushing the guidelines about storing made up formula and leaving it at room temperature etc (not intentionally, just trying to find easier ways with a screaming newborn) so the prep machine seemed less risky. We've not had any problems with it and that should be down to your discretion as long as you're aware of the risks.
Also the HV that came to the house at two weeks we never saw again! It was a different one we went to see at six weeks and then haven't seen anybody since!

Listen sweetheart, take what you want out of the advice and do your own thing. You must be ecstatic to finally have your little girl! You look so pretty and happy. Your baby is dotesy and your dog is lovely! Ask for a different HV. Mine was lovely (even the day my eldest chucked up all over her!! Reflux!) but she had never had a baby herself and I think that makes a difference.

I won't comment on the advice per se as I'm old lol and my youngest is 20 - plus I breastfed and all the advice about babies has changed! I had two miscarriages before I had my youngest, and can I just say, you have the heart of a lion for keeping on trying after so many!

Massive congratulations to you and enjoy every second with your precious girl! xx

Wow! You look amazing and with a newborn, I swear I was probably in a dressing gown or perhaps a hoodie at best at this point! You are doing brilliantly, ignore the HV, request a new one and please do complain, you might save someone else from meeting her. Sounds to me like you have it all completely under control and she wanted to find fault where there was none!

I have had good and bad ones but this HV seems awful, you absolutely do not have to pay attention to her. Your baby seems thriving and sleeping for 3-4 hours is absolutely fine, you need some rest too! She will wake if hungry believe me. Maternity services in this country are variable in quality to say the least and tbh you sound like you've just got a really miserable one. After 13 miscarriages you are an absolute superstar, enjoy your daughter and trust your instincts. Ask for a different HV next time, I only saw mine maybe 3 times tops anyway and my daughter is 15 months now. You're doing amazing! Cherish every second x

I agree with @ejbaxa but will modify her statement to 'jealous b*tch' - I wouldn't be surprised if jealousy of a young and beautiful mother with a beautiful home played a part.

You sound like a wonderful mum.

You are doing amazing 🌸

Ignore her and trust your instincts.
Request a different HV and tell her how you felt about the last one. I’m not in the UK but had a similar experience and it really knocked me- I remember the appt like it was yesterday and it literally left me an absolute mess in tears. I honestly think that day was the lowest I’ve ever been in my entire 34 years on the planet. Youre not alone in feeling as you do; and she has been very unprofessional making you feel that way.

Please ask for a different HV or don’t bother and check in with your GP or health clinic instead if you’d feel better. That’s what I did in the end- I never went back to the first one. I’m still angry about that appt now and DS is 18m!

The dog things bullshit aswell. You clearly know the risks and are rightly taking extreme caution.
Hope all the replies here pick you up and help you see the light! Congrats on your daughter. Enjoy her and believe in yourself as her mum and trust your instinct. The silver lining of living shit situations like that is that it’ll only happen to you once; from here you’ll learn to be assertive where your baby is concerned and not let anyone else tell you you’re doing a shit job. I had to find my inner strength again when DS was about 12m as nursery manager wanted to stop his bottles during the day. It was a bit of a confrontation but I stood firm and it was the right thing for him. Good luck to you and congrats xx

Ps. That picture has made me very broody! You look like a gorgeous content bunch x

Just smile and nod with health visitors.

It sounds like she’s just going very very strictly by the book unfortunately. I’ve seen a few different HV’s and ones said yes start weaning at 5 months and the next one was like under no circumstances!

So try and chalk it up to experience and go with what your baby wants.

Personally I think she was just so annoyed at you looking so fucking fabulous at 2.5 weeks PP that she was looking to pick any holes she could find.. as obviously didn't need her help !

Please ignore her OP. I remember feeling just like this when the health visitor came in the first few weeks. It makes you feel awful and I got myself so worked up that I needed to change what I was doing. As long as your baby is fed and happy and you are looked after too that’s all that matters - you’re doing amazing!

I’m going to go through each thing because I feel like you need to hear all this. The HV seems to think she’s she the mum when in fact that’s you!! She’s your baby and you know her best 🥰 but just for some support/validation and a hand hold…

1.	This amount is perfectly fine, I didn’t formula feed however I gave expressed breastmilk for a week of the same quantities and timing and all good. I checked all was well well with an infant feeding specialist. If she’s over birth weight with no concerns you do not need to be waking your baby every 2 hours. For those below birth weight every 3 hours is fine, but your baby is above birth weight so keep going as you are! 

2.	Seriously eye rolling, this woman has way too many opinions. This is totally fine, you are taking every step you need to to keep your baby safe. Supervision is the main thing! There’s also evidence to suggest that babies exposed to pets have a reduced risk of allergies and asthma, so don’t obsess over a perfectly clear hair free home. It’s literally fine! 

3.	Fuck what she thinks, I don’t know a single formula feeding family that doesn’t either use a perfect prep or ready made formula. I know some people are against them but frankly it’s up to YOU as the parent to decide if it’s right for you, many many babies will be fed milk from a prep machine. 

4.	What in the world? How does she know there’s a mattress protector on it? Did she ask? The nosiest health visitor of all time. The lullaby trust says for babies to sleep on a firm flat, waterproof mattress. Often a mattress protector is needed to make it waterproof and I have one on every one of my 9 week olds sleep surfaces and is perfectly safe.  

5.	Literally wtf, she doesn’t like that you cuddle your baby on an evening? Mama you cuddle your baby as much as you like!

100% she’s in the wrong job
You are the best mummy for your baby, follow your gut. You are doing amazing!

I’d request a different HV next time or if not possible refuse altogether.

Isn't
Life FCKING hard enough for mums who just had babies than having to put up with this utter nonsense

Why make us feel this shit ??

Been there op and she made me so angry and I somehow managed to bite back at her

Cheeky mare

Please please please IGNORE her.

I had a similar experience with my health visitor and was also very vulnerable at the time. Thankfully my mum who is a nurse, was there at the time and once she had gone she told me to not stress about a thing.
Sounds like you are truly doing SO well. You should be very proud of yourself.
You have been through an incredibly tough time and you must now not let anything or anyone ruin this special gift that you have in your arms.
PS beautiful picture of you and your 'two' babies. (As a dog owner my dog is also my baby!)

What a beautiful picture!
She sounds awful-please don’t take what she said to heart (easier said than done, I know!). You sound like you are doing an amazing job at being a mum and baby is feeding and growing and sleeping-sounds like it’s all going well.
Ignore her and focus on enjoying your lovely family ❤

I’m always surprised that so many people put up with this. My mother refused to have anything to do with them. A friend of mine referred to it as “baby inspections” which is pretty accurate.

I’d tell them that you won’t be needing their services anymore.

I'm sensible, level headed, my mother was a midwife and she helped me in the early days. I not volunteer to help young mums with children under 5.

And still, even two decades later I recall our bat shit Health Visitor. Just no!!

Luckily it's optional. Just cancel your next home appointment.

You can see them in clinic if you'd like to get your baby weighed. In clinic it's so much easier to pop in, be seen and leave. It's also social as other mums are there.

Honestly the advice can be so rigid and streamlined it doesn't help stressed new mums.

Go with your gut instincts, they are right. Well done with your baby.

You sound like a lovely mum. God my Dd was on a stable yard from birth for hours, she'd hate that!! 😂