To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

He should have absolutely no say while the baby is inside her body, no.

Giving a man rights over a baby in-utero, gives him rights over the woman’s body. A terrifying prospect, I’m sure you’d agree.

I voted YABU but only very very slightly.

It’s only a couple of weeks to go at this point so waiting until 20 weeks isn’t a huge deal. What makes it unreasonable is that you’re ignoring that your DH will have equally valid feelings and emotional needs with regards to your pregnancy and you’re making a unilateral decision. Some good compromises have already been suggested.

I can’t imagine they’ll be hurt at 20 weeks, they’ll probably be too happy. His excitement might be feeding into how you’re feeling so it might be worth having your Mum to talk to OP if you have that kind of relationship. She might be able to help you through it.

I don’t really understand what you’re saying here.

But men and women are not equal when it comes to pregnancy. Not even close. It’s ALL about the women. She decides. Men must not have rights over women in pregnancy. Not their bodies, not the outcome.

This is slightly more nuanced as it is about the psychology around how the OP is feeling. Something I empathised with in an earlier post.

I have to agree after that reply. Wait until the baby is born - what you think is big now will by dwarfed by the decisions that face you on everything from the day they are born till adulthood. The best thing you can learn as a parent from day one is to listen to the other person, work as a team, see their side too and learn to compromise.

If you cant agree or compromise on telling baby news, I do wonder how you will deal with the HUGE decisions you will have to make through your child’s life.

having had a tricky pregnancy and some decisions to make after 20 week scan I would go with your gut instinct...
wasn't a massive surprise pregnancy but it was a big mental change...... i had told my mum... had too as was sick a lot ... dh didn't tell his til later as they are overwhelming!...
if i was to do it again wouldn't tell anyone til after 20wk scan.....so just ask.him to wait its not much longer....

I think he should respect your wishes. Other people don't have any right to know until you're ready to tell them. I don't agree that the possibility that family members will be "hurt" 🙄 overrides your wish for privacy.
What "support" are people imagining they will give you if they are told now? And what support does the husband need?! He's coping OK now, surely he can cope between now and 20 weeks.

It is his child, but it isn't his pregnancy - it's mine, and my body going through those things. He is allowed to be happy about the pregnancy and we have been sharing happiness together - I haven't been refusing to discuss the baby with him, we've been making plans and discussing names and things we're going to do with them and generally all the things I imagine most people who are pregnant do. I have just asked that we don't tell anyone about the baby until after the 2nd scan, where I think I will feel more comfortable sharing that news and also when we (hopefully) know that the baby is well. If we find out any differently at the 20 week scan, we'll have a subsequent discussion on what we tell people with that new information.

As for: "Your so wrong almost using the pregnancy to get what you want and discarding hubby's feelings." I'm not using the pregnancy to get anything - I am telling him that I would like us to not tell anyone for another few weeks. I don't see how that's 'using the pregnancy'?

By that logic, what actual harm does it do to wait to tell them?

You’re telling him how it’s going to happen, but dressing it up pretty. So really you’re not asking/debating/discussing. You’re telling with a full stop.

If he tells his Mother, which he actually has the god given right to do then it will be a serious breach of trust etc etc. No asking there......

He’s beyond excited and probably feels its unfair your line manager knows before his Mum and Dad. Surely you could compromise on just his parents. If hes close to them, he probably feels upset he’s keeping something from them.

I would be the same as you OP.

Years ago, because of possible miscarriages up to 12 weeks, and no scans etc in those days, women would wait until after 3 months to tell anyone.
I think a good compromise is your 20 week scan.
You’ll be well used to it by then and with greater confidence can tell the world your joyful news.
Exciting times. Enjoy every minute and I hope all goes well with your confinement.

12 weeks is a standard wait in my opinion.

OP hasn’t said at 20 weeks though, she’s said ‘maybe’.

I think her DH would be more likely to agree to this if he knows that’s when he can tell people without the ambiguity of ‘maybe’.

I think YABU. It should be your husband's choice when and how to tell his parents, if you want to wait a few more weeks to tell yours then that's fine but he shouldn't have to wait if he doesn't want to.

Especially at 16 weeks.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I waited till after the 20 week scan before I told anyone for all three of my pregnancies. My DH supported me with that. No parents were upset.
Seriously, what kind of person puts their own feelings first when hearing the news they are about to become grandparents? Selfish ones. Surely they'd be delighted. I can't believe some people would actually be offended.
Congratulations 💐

OK so no more harm then than if we did tell them, as then I will be upset.

Also my line manager would always have known before his parents - as I said before, I had to disclose very early on and my husband definitely didn't want to share the news with his parents that early, so that's a moot point.

I also agree with the husband.

It's his mum, I agree it's reasonable to not want it broadcast or all over social media, but I think you're being unreasonable. It's his baby too, there's a lot of compromise when you become parents, it's going to be a long road for you both (mainly him) to carry on in this way.

I didn't tell any family members until after I was 6 months pregnant.
Nobody was pissed off or hurt, they were all excited.
Some of them actually said how exciting it was to hear of a pregnancy and then not to have to wait too long for the baby to arrive.
My sister told the whole family as soon as the pee dried on her pregnancy test. They were all excited and said how nice it was that they knew so early and they looked after her quite a lot.

So people will be pleased either way when you decide to share the news that you are pregnant. Not your DH. He's not pregnant; he will also be a parent but the medical info is yours to be respected.

I agree to a point. I don't want to divert away from the OP's original message, maybe for another post :). In this instance, the baby was a mutual endeavour, and as such, should he not have a say in 'something'? Sadly, there aren't pre-pregnancy contracts for such things... a right to inform family is pretty basic... but conversely, a woman has every right to get drunk, smoke, and do drugs while pregnant too... If the man is half responsible for the child's upbringing, should he not have a say in the health of the baby in utero to 'some' extent? In this case, protection from toxins (nicotine/alcohol etc), or vitamin supplements... I see both sides, no intent here, these are all rhetorical questions!

Just thinking it through how I would feel - I have one sister, and a niece. My sister became pregnant during peak early covid, literally March 2020. She told us shortly after she found out. She had lost a couple of pregnancies before so everyone was cautiously hopeful and also worried for her, thankfully with various medical support it all went well.

She is still in the unsure if she may have another child zone. I'll be seeing her in a couple of weeks. If I turned up and she was there with a giant bump and said "surprise, I'm 20 weeks gone!" I would think WTF, why didn't you tell us! I'd have wanted to support her over the past four months, I'd feel like she'd just done it for the chance to pull a practical joke of hiding it basically. If she turned up having given birth already without telling us I'd assume she'd gone bonkers, or was really upset with us and basically disowned belonging to the family.

Yes pregnancy is "medical information" but also in most families, you want to be there for your relatives, you want to help them out and ask how they're doing, you want to help plan for the future arrival of another member of the family. And I'd need notice to crochet a new baby blanket for niece/nephew number two!

Telling them after the anomaly scan at 20 weeks is a perfectly reasonable compromise. I hope he can respect your wishes for the next month.

Yes, people are just different. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Do whatever makes the pregnancy less stressful.

@givemushypeasachance I guess though you know your sister, and it sounds like in her first pregnancy you gave her support and she wanted that and it was what you all wanted, if you see what I mean? Whereas I personally haven't wanted that support. I also don't think anyone will think I've done it as a practical joke or gone bonkers, I'm quite a private person normally so it fits with my character. It's all about individuals isn't it, I can see from this thread some people instantly know what I mean and others can't think of anything worse.

I love the crocheting a baby blanket bit though ❤I tried to knit my sister in law a blanket when she was pregnant and I was dreadful!

Men can be very reluctant to talk about how they are feeling, which can have a detrimental effect on their mental health. Your husband has shared his feelings with you, I personally think you should take them into account.

Waiting until 20 weeks is what OP wants, not a compromise.