To not want my husband to tell anyone I'm pregnant?

[whiteslemonade]

Hi - new user here, asking for some perspective.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant, first child. It's taken me a while to get my head round the pregnancy - it happened much faster than I was expecting for various reasons, so although we were open to getting pregnant, it has been very disorientating for me and once I actually had a positive test I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Anyway, we're continuing with the pregnancy and I'm now 16 weeks.

I haven't told anyone, apart from my line manager at work. We're geographically far from our families and haven't seen them since I was around 8 weeks, so obviously not showing, and I haven't got much of a bump yet anyway. I feel a really, really strong pull to keep this private for a while yet - hopefully until after the anatomy scan. Then I will start telling our Mum's etc. and maybe husband's siblings if I feel ready. I am a very private person anyway about things, I don't want people to know until we know the baby is okay (or at least we know as much as we can until it's here), and this feels like a time for me and my husband to adjust to this stage of life. I can't explain how I feel, I just feel a need for this to be our business for a little longer still.

My husband really wants us to tell our Mum's and his siblings. He thinks they will be very hurt/will want to support us/will be confused, and that to him is more important than my comfort and privacy. I have read/seen that some people don't announce to anyone until they've given birth, so waiting until 20 weeks doesn't seem that bad! It's starting to cause problems between us as he is fixated on this, says it feels like a lie whenever he speaks to his mum or I speak to mine.

I think at this stage I'm the one who has the final say, as I am the one going through it. Any opinions? What can I say to him to make him understand?

I also never wanted any support other than from DH. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to wait.

So? She’s the one carrying the baby.

I agree with your husband.

I'd be hurt if my son's wife was pregnant and they didn't tell me until 20 weeks, particularly as your line manager knows.

I'd really hope they be excited to share it with me!

No, the only body he has control over is his own. If a pregnant woman wants to drink, smoke, do whatever a woman that isn’t pregnant can choose to do - that’s her right as an autonomous adult. Being pregnant does not give the father ownership rights over her body.

The thing is there are going to be decisions 100 times more difficult than this from day one… names, routines, everything to do with parenting in general, what nursery/school to send them to etc (thats just thinking of a few things off the top of my head). I think a small compromise (just his parents knowing), would be fair. It is your body but its also his baby too. If anything wasn’t to go to plan (im sure this is not the case), would he likely discuss that with his parents anyway? In which case, surely just his parents knowing isnt worth the stress even making it a dilemma.

I think your husband should tell his mum, regardless of whether you tell yours.

Otherwise you are causing problems between him and his family.

That is utter bollocks.

He should be able to tell his parents. He can respect the privacy of your medical health whilst enjoying the news of a baby which is equally his.

if you don’t want to tell everyone find, but you don’t have the automatic right to censor his conversations with his parents. You are ruining his experience of this . Surely you can just discuss the parameters of what he can and cannot share.

A blanket ban seems very unusual- what if he really needs support from them?

I feel really sad for your husband. He is obviously excited, and would probably like to talk with his workmates or friends, especially if he is anxious about anything. I think you are being really controlling and need to lighten up a bit. Put yourself in your husbands shoes. He has probably dreamed of telling his parents he will be a Dad for years. Why do you feel the need to control him so much. It’s not fair.

It is a bit weird OP. And your parents (mums especially) will be really hurt they didn’t get to share the earlier weeks with you. I told my family at 12 weeks but that’s because we had IVF. I probably would have told them earlier otherwise.

I was upset when my friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant until 14 weeks because we’d been through IVF at the same time and I told her as soon I knew I was pregnant. She wanted to tell me in person though, so I’d get it from that perspective.

It’s not just OP’s body: her DP is going to be a father and maybe he would really like to be able to talk to someone about that other than his DP.

I was simply pointing out that doing what she wants isn't a compromise at all.

She's the one who will give birth too. Does that mean she'll never have to compromise?

"Privacy" - from what though?

These parents don't even live in the same country - it's not like they are going to be in the OP's face?

This is the OP's body.

If there is something wrong with the baby, or she simply changes her mind about becoming a mother, you can bet some people are going to judge her for having an abortion. Not her DH, her. I'm not saying they should, but some people always will.

A pregnancy that doesn't end in a birth is the woman's private medical history that she gets to control. That's a hill I will die on. Until men have to have abortions (especially for babies they desperately want but aren't viable) or suffer miscarriages (especially when there is no explanation for why they happened), they don't get a say in how early women have to tell other people.

The OP telling her line manager is clearly a necessary exception because work will need to know for risk assessment purposes.

The OP seems nervous - that doesn't mean she's suffering from poor mental health - and if she wants to delay sharing the news until she's comfortable everything is OK, that's her call. She's the one physically going through pregnancy and is modifying her behaviour to look after two people.

I can't believe how many people think she's being unreasonable.

OP - I wish you all the luck with your 20-week scan, and that it makes you feel more confident about this pregnancy, so you can then feel happier sharing your news with your and your DH's loved ones.

You don't owe anyone information until you are ready. Your dh should respect that. He needs to prioritize you over his mother (and himself).

It s a major life event for your dh too even tho he not pregnant
I think he should be able to share low key and be able to talk about it
Maybe he has fears or woirries he wants to get off his chest without worrying the op
Ot just for the family planning holidays nx year

With respect, you're at an 80% YABU vote. He's allowed to tell who he wants and it wouldn't be a betrayal of trust, but if you don't want him to then you have to just convince him using the points you've made on here that some have agreed with.

Such disregard of the feelings of this man as he ventures into fatherhood...!!

Forgot to mention, I didn't share my news until 5 1/2 months after ultrasound showing gender.

I chose not to share my pregnancy news with work until I was 5 months when I was having my third after two miscarriages.

I just find it really strange not to want to share your news with your nearest and dearest. I wanted to share my kids with their grandparents as much as I could.

Ok. Frightening. How is it ‘utter bollocks’?

Do you think men should be able to decide what pregnant women can and cannot, should and should not, will and will not, do?

Neither of you are right but at 16 weeks I think I would tell people. Your husband is probably excited and wants to share the news with family and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

His ‘venture into fatherhood’ does not begin, even slightly, until the baby is born.

I’m really concerned that posters seem to think men/fathers have a say over a pregnant woman’s body. Really concerned.

It’s hardly a red flag. Such drama.

You must have a poor relationship with your family to do that.