Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

Imagine if the ex wives husband had the same attitude, suddenly in becomes an unhealthy tit for tat, the children will hang around in tesco car park waiting for you.

Well this is only comparable if OPs partner plans on going into her house and demanding she make him a brew and letting himself in randomly when she's not there. If he's just planning on going and collecting / dropping the children then leaving then it's not comparable is it? One is necessary, the other is not.

And no I'm not a first wife. I do have a good relationship with my older half brothers mum though and see how this has benefitted him.

No its what should have gone on but the boundaries weren't in place soon enough it's up to DH to step up and sort it out

YANBU to want to set boundaries…it could be confusing for all involved for her to be involved in your lives.

The issue is that they’d established their dynamic before you came along and it’s very hard to undo that…it would have been easier if there’d been an obvious trigger ie moving house to put a stop to it, IYSWIM.

Some of the things you said at the beginning were over familiar in my opinion, like her going into your house when you were not there and this needed to stop.

But you seem to have gone completely overboard and have now banished her from the house altogether for example. I am not surprised she has taken issue with you blowing up a previously amicable co-parenting agreement. I note you only did that when your own children came along too.

But there was nothing to stop her putting this boundary in place. No need to ban her from the area. Ofcourse that was going to be viewed with hostility.

@Bathintheshed

If a woman posted on here and said her new husband was fine with the status quo until they had a baby together, and has now banned ex from drop offs, everyone would be saying this is a massive red flag.

“My ex husband keeps letting himself into our house when we’re not there, he tends to barge in and demand I make him a cup of tea, and he’s also being quite overfamiliar with mine and my husband’s children. Picking them up and kissing them and being a bit territorial, like they’re his. I know he’s having issues in his relationship. Anyway, my husband wants to have some boundaries, like he can’t let himself in anymore, and he just drops the kids off at the door rather than coming in. I’m worried about him kicking off. What do I do?”

There’s no rational thinking poster that would find in favour of the boundary-less ex husband. Be serious.

It’s just triggered women behind the verbal abuse of this OP.

i agree with you op . But you won’t win this one on mumsnet I am afraid .

I'm not a first, second or subsequent wife. I'm not a step parent. But I'm old enough to have seen a lot of step families- amazing, good, bad and appalling. The amazing and good ones tend to have very similar features. The grown ups all work together to make a happy, secure environment for the children. And suddenly changing the parameters of that relationship after what must be at least 4 years is not doing that. It's putting grown ups first. Which is not good.

Obviously different people have different boundaries but I'd personally never accept my husband giving a key to his ex to our home. It just wouldn't happen, I don't want her coming in when she wants, I don't want to feel like I have to worry about my dirty washing being on display or pots in the sink (I know I know I'm sure she's not bothered but still) and it's my home so I do get a say on that whether or not my husband happens to have children with someone else.

Nobody said that you are hideous - you are really coming across as a drama queen now though.

Actually, someone did say that, but MN removed it.

But there's a massive middle ground. And the time to put boundaries in place was at the beginning, on husbands terms.

I think there are all different types of blended family dynamics. We have a drop off at the front door arrangement with DP's ex at both houses. Early on, ex was invited in by the SDC to have a look at their newly decorated bedrooms in our house but beyond that she's never been inside and we don't have cups of tea etc with each other. It's all civil but very much agreed that the houses are each other's spaces - the children have the right to roam wherever they want but as adults we respect each other's spaces.

DP's ex has kindly bought a couple of items for my DC (not birthday) but she only says hello and asks how my DC is - she wouldn't swoop in and cuddle and kiss my DC. She treats my DC respectfully and kindly as she would any other children - which doesn't need to include kisses and cuddles.

I can see that in other blended families there might be different dynamics with a lot more integration but that has to be where all the parties are comfortable.

To my reading, your DH's ex sounds like she was overly enmeshed in your lives. It's difficult when you first come into the relationship to set down boundaries (and not be the evil step mum!) and it's hard when those arrangements have been in place - it's hard either way!

Ultimately, it's your house (whether it was the family home before or not is meaningless) and it's your DC. If you don't want someone in your house and touching your child that's your right to hold that boundary. I'm really surprised at PP jumping on you for that - apparently step-P lose their house and parenting rights and are second class citizens.

Agree it needs to be your DH who holds the line though - she is HIS ex and not yours. He needs to be on board and while it's hard for him to, that's the responsibility that comes with being a partner and a parent.

Wouldn't bother me. How lovely for your step kids to see such a good relationship between their mum and step mum.

Honestly, you sound a little worried about her trying to get back with your partner.

You knew what the set up was when you met him, i don't really understand why after all this time you suddenly want to put such strict boundaries in place

I agree she shouldn't let herself in. But I assume she's not thumping the table and demanding tea? There's a difference between "Tea! Now!" and "ooh, is the kettle on?"

Well, they’re putting them in now. Or sesh I suggesting that because they didn’t phase them in at the beginning, it’s too much for the poor ex wife that they simply shouldn’t try now, that they just live with her unreal behaviour?

OP obviously knows the people involved here better than us and it seems to be didn't believe she would respect that.

Also I think saying she's banned from the area is a bit much. She hasn't put a restraining order on her. They've just said that dad will collect and drop off from now on (clearly because OP doesn't believe his ex can be reasonable if she comes to their house).

Really why does it matter? It she's not planning on coming in and being OTT with OPs children, what difference does it make to her if their dad drops them at hers instead?

The operative word is all. I am not getting the impression that the ex-wife is wanting to work together or consider what is best for both families. She is putting her own needs first and foremost. If she hadn't been overstepping then I don't think there would be any need to change parameters.

The DH wasn't happy with the behaviour, he just didn't want to rock the boat. If you want to be treated reasonably, then behave in a reasonable way. What might have been more acceptable before the OP was on the scene is clearly going to change when it became her house too.

Actually-I think the weird Mumsnet thing on here is that there is something weird and suspicious about cuddling a baby that's not yours....

I think you're getting a hard time here because she's a mother.

If we switched things up and you were a step dad and he was a cheating ex husband, the story would look like this.

"My DW's exH has steamrolled his way into her life and home ever since they divorced (after he ran off with his OW).

Since we got married and had kids it's got even worse, especially as by all accounts the relationship with OW is now floundering and he's flirting with my DW.

We put in some boundaries to stop him coming to our house whenever we fancied and to keep the things kids-focused, but he's really pushing back against that and demanding to be a bigger part of our lives.

He also wants to be part of my & DW's DC lives (possibly because he missed so much of his own DCs younger years by spending his free time shagging the OW rather than parenting).

Neither I, nor my DW, are happy with this. We have DSC 50/50, want things to be amicable, but we are not his best mate and my DW is not going to get back with him.

How do we get him to respect our boundaries?"

I think you would have got a very different response to the above OP.

Yeah I mean tbh the ex wife isn't the centre of the family is she so I don't see why they need to pander to her.

I won’t bore you with how difficult DH’s ex was - but her fondness for my biological children was lovely. Remember the children are siblings - and yes I was more than happy for her to cuddle and kiss them.

Well it's weird if you're giving the impression it's like your child and you're obsessed with it, as reported to the OP.

Cuddling a baby and becoming territorial and overfamiliar with a baby that your ex husband feathered with his new wife, alongside letting yourself into their home in their absence…you don’t think that’s weird??

Wow. You’ve got a low bar.

You clearly took it too far, and I wonder what you initially suggested to your husband if this is not all of it being implemented.

you use the right words, ie boundaries etc, but in reality you behaved like a jealous and threatened new partner and tried to control the relationship and get her away. I mean she can’t drop off, wtf.

I would give it some thought and try to pull it back. You’ve not done good here. And it reflects poorly on you and quite frankly your husband that he was weak enough to go along with this.