Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

"I wouldn't like that situation with the ex wife but I wouldn't have waited until I had a child to change things."

2 children. 4/5 years.

You're being completely reasonable, OP. You DH has to man up and deal with it. This ridiculous situation is on him.

OP, you knew the situation when you got together, and you accepted that your partner has a good relationship with his ex. You even made an effort to get on with her yourself. You allowed your own insecurity to ruin that, based on rumours that the ex’s marriage was on the rocks. This woman cheated on your partner, and married the man she cheated with. Why would you jump to the conclusion that she would want him back if the marriage fails ? Or did you view this as a golden opportunity to set the boundaries you’ve obviously wanted in place for some time ?

I don’t know why you’re surprised by the ex’s reaction. She’s done nothing wrong and probably doesn’t understand the reason for the dramatic change - you’re obviously not the person she thought you were and now you’re showing your true colours. That’s how she’ll see it, and that’s why she’s hostile, so the problems she’s causing now are of your own making and the strain on your own relationship is a knock on effect of the strain you have put on your partners’ co-parenting relationship with his ex. I don’t think there is any way to put this right that doesn’t involve a climb down on your part and an apology to your partner, and possibly his ex.

The OP says that the biological mother/ex wife is bad mouthing her. That’s unacceptable. The OP needs strong boundaries against such nasty behaviour and to protect her own kids from this mean person. As the biological mother is threatening to keep her kids away from their dad because of her own horrid bitchy behaviour I suggest that the dad tries for full custody.

After OP banned her form the house on teh basis that she was, allegedly, obsessed with OP's DH and her baby... That wasn't going to go down well was it? I am not sure what OP was expecting

I suggest that the dad tries for full custody

yeah, just what those kids need. A custody battle. What a suggestion.

The most successful co-parenting situations I have seen, are those where all children are involved and loved across both households. For example, one set of parents have a weekend away, all kids are at the other household who treat them all like their own, giving kiss and cuddle at bedtime, saying ‘love you’ for example. All of the kids I have known who experienced this grew up to be really confident, well-adjusted adults so I’m all in favour.

I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.

Written by the OP in one of just three posts. Surely you saw it?

Also, the line about saying that if the OP wouldn’t allow the ex to be involved with her children, then the ex didn’t want the OP being involved with the step children. It’s madness that some people cannot or will not see the difference there. The OP’s children have nothing to do with her. The OP helps parent the step kids half of the week. The ex is simply throwing her weight around and inserting herself into her ex (that she cheated on) ‘s new family, because she feels entitled to do so. And because I rather suspect she is naturally more assertive (bolshy) than the OP is.

It’s high time the really odd and unhealthy dynamic was stopped. And the fact that the ex turned abusive as soon as they asserted boundaries, does nothing but prove that to be true.

I get where you're coming from, OP, but to suddenly say she's not welcome in your house and cut her off from her children's step siblings was never going to lead anywhere good. You say your boundaries are normal but they weren't normal in this case; you change the rules and the fallout has damaged your own relationship. I'd talk about it to your DH and listen to him, finding a way to move forward that is better for both of you.

The ex wife doesn’t have any kids with her new partner so she’s probably jealous. There are ways to be polite and then there’s pushy behaviour that over steps. The ex should be grateful her kids are well looked after by their stepmother but she’s bitching and being nasty. I’d be checking how much she’s paying for her kids to be sure that the dad isn’t paying more than he should.

The only reason the ex is bad mouthing the OP is because she’s been badly treated by her for no good reason other than the OP now seeing her as a threat because she believes her marriage is on the rocks. The nasty behaviour wasn’t there before the ‘boundaries’ were enforced, they started because of them.

Let's refresh what OP actually said ex wife was doing that she and her DH decided to push back on.
constant messaging
Unnecessary and intrusive. Standard advice is to get a phone purely for Comms with ex to maintain boundaries.
inviting herself in
Unnecessary and intrusive, not to mention rude. Imagine a MIL was doing this - the advice would not be just to accept to keep the peace.
ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea
Sorry what now? I don't even "order" my own husband to make me a cup of tea. I might chance my arm and ask him to stick the kettle on while he's in the kitchen but I don't miss him around, nor would I consider it a "healthy" relationship if I did.
Dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house
Completely outrageous behaviour on every level. This should never have been allowed from the very start. Again, imagine telling a wife she must tolerate her MIL doing this "for the sake of the poor kids". It wouldn't happen.
And now this batshit woman has been told to back the fuck off, OP is the bad one and ex is deliberately poisoning things for her own children instead of gracefully accepting that another womans home and husband are no longer her domain?
And so many posters think this is acceptable?
What the fuck.

The OP says her behaviour changed towards the ex when she found out ex had a rocky relationship with her husband. I would sat that is the OPs insecurity, not the ex wife acting with jealousy. Who's to say she wants more DC? How do you pay too much for your own children?

I can see this from both sides really. You are insecure in your relationship as a second wife but it's been years and the ex hasn't tried to seduce or shag your husband yet. You have had your own DC so feel more secure in your position and are now trying to assert dominance in the household it's classic powerplay really.
You will always be your dcs mother , the ex probably doesn't want to shag your husband. She needs to take a step back but I don't think there's a problem with her being friendly with your baby. She absolutely shouldn't be inviting herself into your home.

I think its a sign she's moved on if she shows affection to your baby. A lot of exes can't stand new half siblings and won't foster the relationship between the step siblings and new half ones.

This has the potential to be a really good thing and positive for all the dc. Its not just boundaries you are putting in you are trying to assert power and dominance because you feel/felt insecure about your position. Its relational aggression.

Absolutely spot on! The split was clearly not amicable, she had an affair. I'm going to hazard a guess that her DP actually wasn't that comfortable with his cheating ex going in and out of his home but probably felt pushed into it. The ex sounds very controlling, probably why her DP has allowed her to call the shots all this time, and now he's finally putting up overdue boundaries she's pissed. How she thought that was acceptable is beyond me. She cheated, she broken up her family and she thinks everyone can just be friends? She's proven herself to be an untrustworthy person, I wouldn't want her in my home either and would have nipped this in the bud a long time ago.

The fact that she's kicked off just shows it wasn't a healthy set up. Co-parents can be civil for the kids without being in each others pockets.

Strange responses on this thread. Would anyone want such an overbearing ex wife of their dh? I doubt it very much.

Oh, and a custody battle ? Seriously ? And when the children are old enough to understand what happened, and realise that the common denominator in going from amicable co-parenting to the courtroom is the OP, that’ll go down really well won’t it ?

Many people don't want anymore DC I don't. I like having lots of disposable income and time to myself, more dc would set me back to nappies and drudgery. I like fussing over my friends babies though because they are cute, I like handing them back though.

YABU on soooooooooooo many levels here. If you can't see that then, I really don't know what to say.

BUT, I would absolutely stop anyone just letting themselves into my house unless they lived there - just ask for the key back or change the locks.

Sorry OP - YABU. You jumped on the train - you need to adapt. I dont get the whole 'dont look at my child' thing either - bizarre.

You are definitely not being unreasonable!!
I am not the step parent, my partner is, if my ex was to come in for a cup of tea when picking up DD that would be fine, although he chooses to stay at the door, but if he were to obsess over our baby and want to kiss, cuddle and be involved in his life I think my DP would feel the exact same as you, as would I and put something in place to stop this. My partner and I are very friendly with my ex and his partner however on both sides there are boundaries put in place automatically because it’s normal, healthy for our DD and makes everything run smoothly so that everyone is happy. You are not happy with the way the EW is behaving and rightly so something should change, she sounds like a bit of a nightmare actually, I feel for you OP.

Equally, he moved on and now has a new wife and family so maybe his ex needs to adapt to the new reality?
Honestly, does anyone's life carry on exactly the same way when they are married as it did when they were single, or do relationships with other people (particularly ex's) change?
If he expected to carry on placing his ex at the top of his priority list then he had no business marrying again.

But this happened after OP banned her from the house, completely took apart the friendly coparenting relationship that otherwise existed and everyone seemed happy with. All because OP thought the ex was going to come for her husband and child. Of course the ex is going to be angry.

There was no abuse before, which you said was what justified the boundaries?

Yep - this absolutely.

OP - I had similar. DH's ex decided it was appropriate for my DD to go and spend time with her and her husband and my step kids. Sunday dinner etc. To be 'equal'. We had years of verbal abuse about DD's existence, messing with contact, etc and then it switched to 'we have to be one happy family'.

It's exhausting. Keep your boundaries, be a good step mum and do your best to ignore the fuss she makes. Its hard, but if you give in she'll be running rings around you otherwise. To DH's family if they repeated anything I ended up saying 'that's shame she feel that way', but didn't engage further. In the end, it settled down (although my stress levels go wild if I have to see her at a family event as I know there will be an approach and new plan for me to deal with).

you live with her kids half the week but she’s not allowed in your ( her kids 2nd home ) because you don’t want her to see your child ( her children’s) sibling. I think that’s being verY unreasonable especially as it was fine for you all tho mix previously. It’s not fair on the children or their mum and dad.