Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

I would pay good money to hear the other side of this story.

I mean reading the whole thread will show you that there been many an opinion given, mostly given in a very normal way. There’s a few skirting the line.

It’s not an attack to give an opinion that you might not agree with. You seem to think that it is however?

And frankly your attacks on people are really beyond the pale, you really do need to rein it in. Most of the people you’ve spewed vitriol to aren’t actually ‘bitter first wives’ they’ve come back and said actually they’re step-parents themselves. You’re being the height of miserable, poisonous and counterproductive yourself.

Yes!

Honestly... absolutely NOT being unreasonable at all! I'm in a similar situation, and some of my friends are too.. seems to be the norm now. And there is NO way i would allow my partners Ex to come into my house and be so pushy/ forceful. She is far too familiar! I'd be telling her straight, why confuse kids. No harm in drop offs, and communication, there is no need to be nasty with each other, but there is also boundaries! Why should she have what she wants, and you have to lump it? you take care of her children!

Some people have that set up and its all good from all parties, but you arent happy with that ( neither would i ) and thats OK too... not everything works for everyone. so continue your stance!

She has no reason to compare her kids ( who DO seem very lucky to have you ) with your child?! It makes sense though if her relationship is rocky...and you and your partner are happy.

One thing I suggest is that you ensure it does not affect your relationship with your partner, over her. Boundaries are normal! and its NOT worth it.

I cannot stand when people suggest you are jealous... being a step parent is the most selfless act ever. Of course you wish to be a whole unit, but that's not the norm nowadays. its 2023... blended families rock.

I would speak to your partner and explain your upset, and that its not the children you have a problem with... its the parent! something that a lot get confused with.

Enjoy your time with your children, and enjoy your time with your step children. together and separate, time with them and showing them you include them and they are heard are all they want. 😍

dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house

All the people pretending that they'd be ok with this 😂. Yeah right, of course you would. Why on earth does she have a key to your house?

So long as it was appropriate. Yeah, I'd have been over the moon that someone else gave a shit of some kind about my children.
I'm assured step parenting can be a minefield, but this seems like cutting off your nose.

I know! Who would actually tolerate this in real life?😂

I’m so confused why you don’t like her giving your kids a kiss and a cuddle? I actually think that’s nice and healthier for your partner’s other children…

You sound jealous and don’t understand why, as a jealous person, you would enter into a relationship with a man who already has kids.. you must have known you would need to have his ex somewhat present for the sake of his kids..
much healthier to get on and not make her drop off her kids like a postie..

I think you’re being very unreasonable and short sighted. This woman will never really be gone from your life. She is the mother of your partner’s children. There will always be contact, whether it be weddings, family events etc, even when those children are adults. It sounds like you stepped into what was fairly friendly and amicable (after post split animosity) and have turned it on its head. I’m not surprised you feel like the bad one. You should be glad that she’s nice to your child. Would you rather she was resentful and nasty towards it. Speaking from experience being friendly with her will make your life a lot easier in the long run. Is it really such a big deal to let her in the house and make her a brew when the children are dropped off, and let her have a cuddle with your child. You are making a rod for your back that will impact things long term.

I wonder if to you she feels like a threat to your relationship with your children? I can understand you feeling that way based on what you have described but unless she’s a bad influence on your kids in some way, if you can ride it out you will see that nothing will compare with your relationship with your kids, and to have more people who think your kids are great, and make them feel loved, is only a good thing.

If she’s fairly decent, may be have a chat with her, to find a way that works for all of you. Might take a while now as you’re both feeling bruised but you’ll know each other for a v long time so worth persisting?

Also, as a step mother you do actually have real duties to your step children. You did them a great disservice by making their mother go from having a friendly cuppa and fuss of your kids ( their siblings !) to being banished outside…

I would imagine your partner must be pretty disappointed that you went from a healthy co parenting situation to this mess borne by insecurity / being bored of playing along as a willing step mum now you had your ‘real kids’.

Its interesting to read these different dynamics.

I get on with my ex despite our horrible past - he was abusive. He has a long term partner. Im glad she is good to the children when they are all together but i have never met her or his previous ex. With his previous ex, i was a stepmother to his children so they stayed here regularly, i was good to them etc but i never pretended to be anything more than dad's partner. We still get on well now.

With my ex's current gf of several years, they have no children so no need for me to meet her or for her to ever come to my home. I cant ever imagine us one big happy family dynamic so i would definitely be setting boundaries like the OP has said.

My friends and family always say how great it works for myself and my ex because everyone we know has a more contentious relationship. But i think OP is right, the ex is overstepping.

I’m not sure what you’re struggling with. The abuse came after the assertion of boundaries. I said that.

The boundary crossing behaviour by the bolshy ex, which was really, really weird, is what prompted them to assert boundaries.

What are you not understanding in what I’ve written there?

Also, do you think the abuse is justified by the assertion of normal boundaries by the OP and her partner?

I know. They just want to lay into the OP for being the ‘second wife’/stepmother. It’s tiresome. They’re the same posters who’d lay into an OP for not having boundaries. I guess they’re just unhappy.

The mother of their siblings is a pretty big role. I don’t see an issue with her making a fuss of your kids or coming in for a cup of tea. I’ve been in a relationship with someone with an ex and kids and everything was very friendly and familiar, I never saw it as an issue.

You are being abit unreasonable. There was a good dynamic at the beginning & then you all
of a sudden decided that things should change, I would be upset too if I were her. Is it not nice that she’s making an effort with your children too as well as her own children? they are her children’s siblings after all. It is immature of her to call you names but that’s because she’s hurt by the sudden change in the relationship.

@TedMullins yes quite. Actually lovely she makes a fuss over the kids, would take a weight of my mind. I feel bad for their older siblings that what was affectionate to their younger siblings ( which probably made them feel grounded and secure with their new half siblings) is not gone all Pete tong because of their step mum.

Frankly I don't believe there's been abuse.

She left him. OP probably resents their close bond. So she tried to power play to destroy it.
She's only harming the kids.

It seems to me (and similarly in a lot of these types of posts) that the wife is insecure.

She'll never be the first.
First person he proposed to
First person he started a home and married life with
First person he went through the excitement of pregnancy and new baby with
First real partner in life.

It seems to really really bother them. A lot (not all) want to pretend the ex wife and kids don't exist.
Remember the mad woman on here who didn't want her dsc at her wedding (although their baby was going ) to the point she booked an overseas wedding (with fancy tiki torches) so she could avoid having his kids their & just be their "little family"

So they play weird little power games.

Secure women don't care about the ex.
Water off a ducks back.

As so many have said, the only real issue was key to the house & everyone has agreed that should have been stopped sharpish.

I said her subsequent abusive behaviour simply proved they boundaries were long-needed.

You’re bananas. 😂 but your post lays your own situation pretty bare.

No advice OP but good luck against the endless waves of ex-wives attacking you. Stand firm.

The messages on this thread are skewed by the fact that they are responses to a step-parent. In most other circumstances women are (rightly) informed that boundaries are healthy.

The pushback from DSCs' mother seems to stem from a rapid move from her position of open season on OP's home, marriage and family to a situation where she's now not permitted into the family home. A more gradual transition might have made her more accepting, but given the level of her intrusiveness I suspect any boundaries would be met with extreme resistance.

The boundaries are, however, belatedly there, and they've been there for over a year, apparently without any let up in the ex's behaviour. I don't think you have much option now but to hold to them and expect DH to do likewise.

As for the cuddling of the baby, in principle I'd have no problem with my husband's ex doing this, but it seems this issue is only the symptom of a much broader and more pervasive problem.

On balance, YANBU.

Ha! I don't want to be the first wife. I'm happy being his current wife.

I'm wondering if its first time married , first time had dc women. Women who have already been married had DC seem much more chill and less possessive. If I had another DC (I don't want anymore) and an ex started holding the baby I'd be happy I had my hands free and they are getting along. I think being a FTM combined with the knowledge your husband has a past might be too much for some women.

It's ridiculous isn't it