Partner's ex wife upset over boundaries being introduced

[Stickytofpud]

New here so please bear with me. I came to search confirmation that I am not completely mad for what I have done/seek unbiased opinion. Apologies for long post, I felt that context and reasonable detail was needed so that people can inform their view.

I have two young kids with my partner, and his two older kids from previous marriage stay with us for half a week. The marriage broke down due to partner's ex wife's infidelity; she went on to marry the man she cheated on my partner with, no further kids born in that relationship.
When I moved in with my partner, I sort of 'jumped onto the running train' of established routine of my partner's ex featuring heavily in his life through constant messaging, but also physical presence, dropping off the kids and inviting herself in and ordering my partner to make her a cup of tea, dropping in to get stuff while we were not in the house, that kind of stuff. The infidelity and divorce upset my partner, but he's a man who's able to forgive so over time their relationship has become reasonably amicable and allowing for the above, but definitely not romantic (from his side anyway). As a newcomer, I was putting up with all that, though knew that this level of intrusion and presence from his ex was definitely not normal. To maintain the peace I tolerated the situation. Me and her would get on ok, and I get on well with the kids; she said numerous times how lucky her kids are to have me in their lives.

Me and my partner then had our first child who she would see when dropping off or collecting the kids, she would take the child in her arms etc etc. Some time after we had our child, things started to change for me, particularly after some information reached me related to her current husband (relationship not going too well) and our child (her having a bit of an obsession with the child, like the child was hers).

I have then suggested to my partner that it was time to put some boundaries in place as there should be, and put a bit more distance between her and us. This was supported by my partner, though he wasn't overly keen to introduce all these changes as he did not want to 'rock the boat'. The boundaries mostly revolved around her presence in our place (no longer invited in, kids being dropped off/collected by their dad from her place). Nothing, I believe, that should be a problem for a former partner to respect and accept as their ex partner has moved on and started a family with someone else. The boundaries also include as little contact of my children with her as possible; she's of no relation to them, other than being a mother of their siblings.

It's been about a year now since the boundaries have been introduced and it didn't go down well with her, and it is actually getting worse. I have been name called by her, all of a sudden it's not kids are lucky to have me in their life but poor kids to have to endure me while staying with their dad.. the latest being that if I don't want her to be involved in my kids' lives then she doesn't want me to be involved in her kids' lives either.... completely ignoring the fact that she's comparing apples with pears; her kids are part of our household and my life for half a week each week, whereas my kids have nothing to do with her.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it. It's all been fine for as long as it was on her terms. When the terms changed, I have been made the bad one, for asking nothing more than to be given space and peace for our family life.

For those who managed to read until the end, I would appreciate your views, AIBU?

I wouldn't like it. Your stepkids are his and hers but your kids aren't hers so I don't know why she cares so much? It's strange that she's pushing against your boundaries.

You should have posted in step parents OP, AIBU is notorious for making out step mums to be the stereotype evil villian.

For what it's worth, you did do the right thing in my eyes. I have a very similar situation which is more enmeshed than yours (mum stays over etc) and my friend is really struggling to enforce boundaries and make her DP realise that this isn't healthy or normal.

Also @Lachimolala I’m not sure I can identify that ‘anger’ in my post that so astonishes you?

Because it works well, veryone is friendly, and that benefits everyone. OP included. Also because the only reason OP seems to be wanting to end this is because she feels threatened by the ex (re her child and her husband), seemingly based on rumours.

Sounds about right - the ‘go to’ on most MN threads seems to be LTB.

It wasn’t a “happy blended family” though - because the op was unhappy with the set up.

@Stickytofpud you can report your post and have it moved to step parenting to reduce the amount of traffic on the thread and perhaps get more balanced/kinder/useful responses from people who have been through/are going through similar.

Whilst her current behaviour is not good you have gone from having her as someone welcomed in the home to shunning her so I am not surprised this has resulted in bad feeling.

I think you need to find a halfway house or it will get worse.

Or….she’s reached the end of her rope with her husband’s ex letting herself into their home while they’re out, and decided to do something as her husband was too feeble.

I acknoweldged boundaries are reasonable. There's somewhere between being ok with coming home and finding the ex in your bathtub, and then saying she can't step foot in the house, wouldn't you say?

I think it's nice she likes your DC. A lot of exes mentioned on here think 2nd families are the spawn of Satan.

‘It actually sounded nice that she was so supportive of your babies, hugging and kissing them - as a friend or relative would do. ‘

Sorry but that isn’t healthy unless the OP is comfortable with it.

I would never dream of walking into DHs ex’s house and hugging and kissing her new DC unless she asked me if I’d like to have a hold etc.

I don’t do it to my friends or family either unless they offer and I certainly don’t kiss my friends’ children. I can be friendly, give cards and gifts but I don’t just presume I can hug and kiss any kid I want.

It does sound like she was a bit over bearing before, especially with the involvement with your children and coming in for a brew.

I do wonder if your attitude towards your step children has also changed as it's all "my child" now, are they second class citizens now? Sounds like you've upset a decent co-parenting relationship because your child will turn to stone if she dares look at your child. I imagine this change has been noticed by your step children and can't be nice for them. You seem very self centred and clearly didn't really consider what you were getting involved in before having children with someone who had a life and children before you.

I wouldn’t want her in my house. Nor crossing boundaries with my children. Especially if she’s become abusive towards me.

The previous arrangement only ‘worked’ because they let the ex do whatever she wanted. Now they’ve asserted themselves, she’s kicked off. Which suggests to me, it was never a healthy set up and it was long overdue.

The only one causing problems is the disrespectful and now abusive ex wife. She will be creating problems for the children. Women are told time and again in here to assert their boundaries.

And if the ex had behaved appropriately in the first place, they could have had a mutually respectful and amicable set up from the get-go, instead of what was happening, which was insanity.

Nothing excuses her abuse of the OP. And I can’t believe people are defending that behaviour.

What's the abuse? I'm failing to see it.

This.

Would you rather she treated your children as though they were pieces of furniture? Ignored them? Pushed them out of the way? Brought sweets/ gifts for her own DC, but nothing for yours.

They are YOUR children - they will know who their mother is - she is like an auntie to them, nothing more. Would you stop an auntie from hugging your children?

IMO the more loving people there are in a child's life, the better.

Exactly what I thought too. It doesn’t sound healthy at all. But because she’s the first wife she can do as she pleases of course.

I think it’s a pity this has happened. You were modelling a wonderful relationship for all of your children that would have allowed them to feel comfortable and loved within your relationships. Seeing you all getting on was fabulous. Now the step children will notice the change in your relationship with their mother which is sad. I think this will impact on your relationship with your step children and between your biological child and your step children.

You should’ve just left things the way they were. No one is going to take it well when you’re told you’re not welcome in someone’s house when you’ve been used to going in for a chit-chat, cuppa tea and a cuddle with the new baby.

She was never going to react well was she? Keep your friends close, and enemies closer.

Do you cuddle and kiss hers?

You're present when she's with your kids, she's not there when you're with hers

I agree with those saying YABU.

It's wearing, it's frustrating, it's upsetting and I don't know where it will end. It's also putting a strain onto my relationship with my partner as he is caught in the middle of it.

Your partner is in the middle of it because he has some sympathy with the ex wife and clearly wouldn't have established boundaries if you hadn't pushed him into it. If he believed in the boundaries then it wouldn't be so hard.

I wouldn't like that situation with the ex wife but I wouldn't have waited until I had a child to change things. Ideally your h would have acted earlier but there's a reason why he did the whole cup of tea etc - he liked it that way. It might be that going along with what his xw wants is the easiest way to manage her but you made yourself into the baddie by pushing him into it and it sounds like she's aware that you talked him into it. A man who believed in boundaries would have done it earlier. I suspect that your h has told her that this change is coming from you too which has made you the target of her wrath. If you split up I suspect that he'd revert to tea again.

Maybe the ex wife is worried her kids might be pushed away after your new boundaries with her.
Whatever the reasons were for their marriage breaking down isn't really relevant- she's still the mother of his children and if they coparent surely it's nicer fir everyone if there's a friendly atmosphere.