Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

Time with Grandparents is invaluable. You need to MAKE time, especially as you've got transport. No matter what you think of them, your children deserve a relationship with them.

You need to spend time with your parents, if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be here breathing and living a life. Take you children with you, they won’t be around for long and you will only regret it. With age some ppl don’t have the confidence to travel on public transport and with Covid having a big impact this maybe the case.

I have not read all the back and forth here, but if they already have a good relationship with one set of grandparents, then don't sweat it. Especially if your parents are still smoking and if they may drink while watching the kid.
If they are not disabled or feeble in any way, there is not one good reason they cannot use public transportation. When I first read this, I was going to say to let them spend a weekend over there every month or two. My grandmother lived about an hour from us and came and took us once a month or so. It was great. But, your parents don't seem to have a kid friendly home. Stop stressing about it.

Normally I’d have completely agreed with you. My mum had never made a particular effort with my children (she was a great mum but not exactly touchy-feely) but after finding out last week that she has terminal cancer I now feel so guilty for not making more of an effort and am left trying to make up for it, life is very short. If they want to see your children, take them

Exactly this.

I'm on a similar situation. Grandparents live 1h away but drive. We have hectic lives with work spilling onto weekends, we both work full time and there's always lots of housecleaning to do at the weekend, sports things the kids do during the week and at the weekend... I just don't have the energy and the time to drive up. They are retired, travel all the time, and have no other grandchildren. They don't look too interested and have declined invitations to their birthday parties ("it's for the other kids") and school shows. It always feels that we are ticking box of "we saw each other this quarter". We get along and when they come, it's ok but doesn't feel either like they were looking forward to seeing the kids. More of a tick box thing. We are kind of accepting it now but it was hurtful for a while.

Do remember that, at some point, refusing to take them might come back and bite you on the tender bits. I'd make the effort, at least occasionally, so that the "why wouldn't you take us?" question never comes up. And things like that tend to come up.

I would have a chat with them. Ask them what they think of the grandkids and if they like seeing them. It seems to me you feel obliged because its the "right" thing to do, not because it is making anyone happy. My now adult DCs tell me all sorts of things I would never have allowed when they spent time with my deceased parents - but have really happy memories. Life is short. Truly. Try to make this work for all of you.

YANBU and I hate seeing this narrative that just because they’re your parents you have to be the one to make all the effort. It’s a parent’s responsibility to make sure they have a relationship with their kids, grown or otherwise, not the other way round. Can you help with this, yes, if you feel they’re interested & care, but it can’t all be on you. You wouldn’t go out of your way to maintain a friendship or any other relationship that was this one sided so why should you here.

Another saying you should drive to see them! I understand why you think this but I think you need to look at the fact that you think they’ve nothing better to do. I’ll be honest a big guilt thing with me is my sis and on the other side bil are very good at getting their kids to phone and send homemade cards to gps, we never pushed for it. Relationships are two ways. Give them a call today and open the lines of communication x

Yabu. Surely you want to see your parents? I would take my children to see them. I don’t think an hours drive is that much. Do you get on with your parents?

Or if public transport is so easy why don’t you use that route instead of driving or why not invite them down for a long weekend.

My dad was the same OP. I did make an effort but I certainly didnt kill myself to visit if I was exhausted at the end of the week. I think if I was you, I'd make a compromise and visit on a time schedule that felt doable. It certainly wouldnt be weekly but maybe once a month or so?

The thing is, relationships take effort on both sides otherwise one person always ends up feeling resentful. Do they show other interest by phoning and asking about their GC? I think context is important here. If they didnt make any other efforts then honestly, I wouldnt worry about it too much. If people really care about something, they'll make the effort to show it. I grew up with one nan who was very involved in my life and the other who showed little interest. It didnt scar me for life as some seem to be suggesting, all that happened was that I ended up not being very close to her at all. Looking back, I think it was sad more for her that she didnt want to spend time with me because she ended up quite lonely but I certainly didnt grow up feeling I was missing out because I had plenty of other people in my life who did care.

I live in a town where many surrounding towns are quicker by train. Our nearest city is 45 minutes by car but 40 by train. The nearest town is 25 minutes by car but 18 minutes by train.

Sorry, that was supposed to be a reply to someone saying they didn’t believe public transport could be quicker than driving.

Depends on your notion of family? My grandparents rarely came to see us and we're hands off yet every week we'd be driven an hour to see them as it's the culture of my dads family to value these ties.

Yup- same here. I have zero guilt. You cant force parents to make an effort with their grandchildren. We all have free will and we are all in control of the choices we make. If they choose to make no effort then thats on them.

YANBU. From everything you've posted it does sound like your parents just aren't that bothered, which is sad, but you can't force a relationship. I'd just visit as much as you'd feel comfortable with, not out of obligation, but as much as you want to. If they wanted to see you more often they'd visit, or at least make noises about it.

Does it take them 50 minutes door to door, including getting to and from the station or bus stop and waiting for the train/bus to arrive?

But, again, does that factor in getting to and from the station and waiting for the train?

I have not RTFT.

But I would slowly, gently try to change the dynamic. Go to them occassionally but invite them to yours when it is something only in your area.

"Mum / Dad - the kids are running a Cub Scout stall. Why don't you come spend £1 supporting them by buying cake then come to ours for lunch?"

"Mum / Dad - we're going for a picnic at a lovely park half way between our places and really easy on public transport. Shall we meet there?"

"Mum / Dad - Kid1 is in his class assembly, it would be great if you came to watch".

Hopefully, they will start getting used to the journey.

Maybe you could join some local Facebook groups round their area so go that way when there is something could too.... "Mum / Dad, local Fireworks near you sound fun, shall we meet at yours and all go together?"

Do you normally cook when you go to see your parents?

Yes it would probably be helpful if your OP said something along the lines of 'I don't really get along with my parents/have a difficult relationship/didn't really see them much before having kids'.

I saw my parents once a month before kids and after having them, the kids just went along on those visits. There was an already established pattern before kids.

I would do it. One day they'll be gone after all. And you will see them too, it's not just your children who need a relationship with them- or did you not get on before kids?
Maybe take it in turns or meet up for a day out somewhere that suits?

I would compromise and take the kids to see them once a month , for the sake of the children. My kids really enjoy meeting with family, it gives them a boost. I would also tell my parents “please visit us back, we’d love to have you over for a meal”. Rinse and repeat, you’ve done your bit and the rest is up to them.
I haven’t had a chance to read all the replies to this post so assume your harsher ones are giving back as good as you got… and I assume you were only referring to your parents pissing the money up the wall and choosing not to drive. This is far from the case for everyone and maybe they haven’t shared the real reason behind not learning with you. I spent 20 years not sharing my reasons with anyone, it was private to me. I’m just saying they could also have health problems they aren’t sharing that you are unaware of and that’s the real reason they don’t visit. Money problems, etc etc.

I often think on posts like these that a lot of the people who respond see 'grandparent' and have visions of sweet old people and loving relationships. Real life is more complicated. Unless there are health or mobility reasons then I can understand why the op is a bit resentful that her parents are not doing anything to Foster or support thier relationship with grandchildren. I would extend an invitation for a specific event or date and see if they do come and if they don't then don't worry so much. A visit once in a while to them instead of a regular duty to add to the juggle makes sense.