Not taking my children to see their grandparents?

[Herringbone1]

For context my children are primary school age. We have a busy life (like most parents with young children) activities, full time jobs then throw in housework, trying to shoehorn in some family days together etc. leaves very little time for much else. Grandparents are retired and do very little aside from casual hobbies. Don’t drive. Live around an hour away but make very little effort to have a relationship with their grandsons. No significant health issues that would prevent them from visiting.

AIBU I’m not taking my children on a 2 hour round trip to see them when they make such little effort? I feel guilty thinking well maybe I should try more but I then I think well why can’t they get public transport to come see us? Why is it my responsibility to encourage their relationship? They made the choice not to drive, not me.

I think if you just said the real reason, that your parents look.at their screens when you visit and don't seem to care whether they see you or not, you would get more supportive responses.
An hour in the car or less on the train would not stop you if you actually wanted to go, or if you felt it was beneficial for your children.
I think I would try and make the effort twice a year but wouldn't feel obligated to go any more often, in your position.

The train into the city where I live is 20 mins, it can take an hour to drive there due to traffic.

That's tricky OP and hurtful to you that your parents don't seem very interested in your boys. I would just say though that I lost my Dad when he was 72 & my Mum 4 years later when she was 77 so don't assume your DP will be around for years and years to come as life sadly doesn't always work out that way 😪 Also when your boys are older/teenagers they might not be that keen to see GPS- they will be busy with friends & hobbies. My family live up north so I had to drive 3 hours to visit them etc (6 hr round trip). I'm not sure a 2 hour round trip is all that much to be moaning about really. Though they should catch the bus too if it's quick & convenient- that does sound lazy to me.

why do you have to entertain your children in the car? Surely their capable of entertaining themselves while your driving? My kids 2 and he manages quite fine on an hours trip. It seems pretty mean to not make the time for them, i mean it’s not even about your parents, it’s massively beneficial for your kids to have a close relationship with them so you should make more effort.

LOL YABU. We drive 12 hours each way at least twice a year to enable our children to see my PIL. I think they have visited us a grand total of 4 times in 15 years. Count yourself lucky it’s only an hour! As for it being difficult to entertain your kids in the car…have you tried audiobooks? Our Audible subscription is the only thing saving everyone’s sanity on the 12+ hour car rides that I just mentioned.

Forget the parents. The real question is, do you want your children to have a relationship with their Grandparents? If the answer is yes, then make the journey. Once they get older they'll be able to tell you whether they want the relationship to continue but they should at least have the opportunity to be able to make the choice.

Haven't rtft but has it occurred to you that they gave up driving for good reasons of potentially feeling it was getting unsafe, too expensive, too polluting?

Or that they might feel they are intruding by expecting to visit you without being invited? There are enough posts on MN hating gps for invading 'nuclear family time'. Agree with pp, take public transport yourself to see them if it's so easy. Do your kids not want to see their maternal grandparents or do they barely know them, only your DH's parents?

Have they got other grandchildren they see more?

Half way meet up
Pub
Park
Beach
Picnic ?

I’m assuming there is a backstory to this as no normal daughter would not want to see her parents for ages . I’m assuming hour relationship is very strained ?

YABU it's not the other side of the world for goodness sake.

Perhaps those "guilt mongering" responses were from people who know of what they speak.

I hear you! In laws never visit. They live close by and are able to get out and about. It's not the same hassle for us as the drive is short. But it is frustrating!

Are your parents a bit like mine in that they see their place as ‘the homestead’ and like to host the family there? They may feel they’re inconveniencing you by visiting and expecting to be entertained. But at the end of the day this all depends on your relationship with them and their willingness to be involved with your kids - you’re completely in your rights to judge what’s best for your family and it shouldn’t all be down to you to have to cultivate the relationship if they seem disinterested or don’t want to make the effort. And there are no set rules on how often they should see you - you can have a lovely relationship with family members you see once a year or a difficult one with some you see weekly. In the case of my parents, we said we’d like them to visit us as much as we go to them, and a 50 50 arrangement seems to work well.

Suggest you meet them somewhere half way. We do this

I think when people start to really age you should give them a break. You might not understand things but rather than tit for tat just do what you can. I’m sure you can manage a trip once every couple of months. And invite them to lunch and things. My mother always goes off like she’s last on my list which is so not true. I have to ask and offer about meet ups because she has this weird attitude that she’s not that important! So although I wish that she would have more enthusiasm when it comes to visits I think she’s just worried about being let down. Totally irrational as well.

It's difficult. Both of our children live many miles away.
One is only 70 miles away but driving there is exceptionally difficult, ( central London) and no parking combined with multiple changes on public transport) while the other child lives over 200 miles away . Driving is starting to get to us. Fiddly journeys also get toys. We have a dog that struggles with our absence.

It's so hard. We so want to see our children more often but our children lead very busy lives , like you, and it's not so easy.

As to the drinking and smoking element... we like a good wine and I like a vape. Doesn't stop us from seeing our children.
Is the drinking paramount?

Why should OP count herself lucky when you have chosen to make that twice a year long journey?

To my parents, it is a 8 hr flight and a 5 hour drive one way not including getting to the airport which we’re an hour away from and have to leave the house at least 3 hours early. They know it is harder for us to visit them than it is for them to visit us so they try and visit us once a year and we them when we can. They can stay longer with us (usually stay for two weeks) than we can with them (five full days), we have more space at our home to accommodate them and take them to different places within the UK and to Europe when they visit. They get more time with our children visiting us than they do with us visiting them.

In-laws are a 5 hour drive (rarely is that with traffic and loo breaks) and they come twice a year by train while we were going up 6-8 a year but have cut down to 4-6 due to the boys being in school, and planning to cut it down to 4 since it’s getting expensive.

Are they supportive and involved the time you are together? Do they call and show interest in your and your children’s lives? If so it’s either they know you are busy and don’t want to intrude or they don’t like the public transport/being far from home (my mum is like this, she can’t be out for more than a couple of hours). If they are just not bothered about you and your kids then I think yanbu to leave them to it. Can’t imagine how people get this way but sadly they do :-/

OP, it sounds like you are disappointed with your parents’ lack of effort. I know how that feels. My mum was a wonderful grandmother, but died in 2015. The remaining 3 pretty much suck. My dad will make an effort if we go to him, but has only come to see us once in 3 years. My father in law is similar. My mother in law has never once visited her grandchildren, who are 12 and 8 now. They met her at a wedding last summer and didn’t know who she was! I find it kind of sad for my kids, as I had amazing grandparents who I was really close with.

We now go and see the GPs if we want to, but we feel no obligation any more. I mainly see it as their loss if they aren’t that bothered.

I don’t think anyone else can judge. I think it’s entirely your call and you’ve got to do what’s right for you. It sounds like you make all the effort doesn’t work for you so maybe you should talk to them and let them know and say you’d like to start taking turns and you’ll wait for them to visit next.

Ultimately, if your kids and their GPs only have a relationship because you made 100% of the effort, then how deep a connection is it really going to be? Obviously if a GP is unable, that’s a completely different story.

When I was a child we only ever saw my grandparents when my parents took us to see them. And later in life when we took public transport or drove over to see them. They didn’t drive. For Xmas my DM would go and collect my grandparents on my dads side and bring them back to ours and then take them home again. We usually visited them every other weekend for a few hours.

Now as a single parent my kids usually see my parents when I take them. Neither live that far. One drives and one uses public transport. We usually drop in several times a week on my DM. My DD was more a meeting him at the pub type thing for lunch. The main reason though is my mum can’t use my stairs to access my only loo. My DM is my main childcare though and all childcare is done at her house.

The other set of grandparents live a few hours drive. That’s a mutual arrangement if them visiting for a weekend or their dad taking them for a weekend. When we were together we would all go for the weekend. But usually mutual.

Like most topics on mn, I think it should be a middle ground.

Go to visit them sometimes, invite then to visit you sometimes and maybe once or twice a year meet somewhere in the middle.

We do a real mix in our family. GP on dhs side are an hour away and usually results in DC2 getting carsick so is a pain but we manage it best we can. But they also come here regularly although do drive which is easier.

My df is much older, very unwell and has terrible mobility so I almost always go there but sometimes he says he'll come to us instead.

Everyone needs to compromise and make some effort.

Both my parents are dead, one very recently. I have no guilt! Maybe you do...

Are grandparents asking to see the children more? If not, why create a problem where none exists. There are plenty of families who get to see relatives on holidays, but not much at other times. If, in fact, it is you who wants a closer relationship, then you should make the effort.

And if you do, then I'm very sorry for you.