To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

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DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

It's not a “UK practice” . While I'm sure some people do charge their children rent, I don't know anyone who does this and I live in the UK.

So if you or your DH need care when you are old OP, are your DC expected to pay for it via the family pot? I seriously hope your PILs have good health insurance for when they are in the UK or the entire family could be in financial trouble.

Absolutely not being unreasonable.

we have our own bank accounts. Then a shared one for family bills and finances. It’s 2023 and nobody wants to live in each others pockets like that!

his family need to cut those apron strings!!

It’s his culture! Not for us to judge.

sounds like what happens in south Asian joint family customs. It works in those parts of the world as the family rely on eachother a lot more so it makes sense poole everything together because that’s the lifestyle and there is less individualism however there is a power hierarchy with the male elders at the top who decide how things are done. I have seen it a few times here in the U.K. but doesn’t work well, especially when the normal culture here is husband and wife to see themselves as a nuclear family and it gets messy when the fil is trying to control things and the married couple or even the wife have different ideas or have been brought up differently. Everyone has to be of the same mindset for it to work and have respect for eachother which gets m messy when other in laws are part of it too such as bil then it becomes a case of too many cooks unless youre all working as a team sharing childcare costs housing bills etc. Would your Dh want to be living as a joint family given the choice? I’d be worried if the family came over. I’m surprised you didn’t learn this about his culture before tbh. Myself and my husband are of the same background and his dad at one point wanted Dh to poole all his salary with their non existent salary, this was long before I came onto the scene and Dh wasn’t happy about it which caused some issues, so I wonder how much of it is your dh’s choice and rather an expectation he has to meet being over here and earning probably a lot more than they do.

Yes this is a trope banded about by elders of my background to scare their children so they don’t become too westernised! That all white people chuck their kids out at 18 and or charge them rent so they should be grateful 🤦‍♀️

Yes this is what I’m talking about in my post. We need to stop romanticising things like that as in the U.K. when they try so hard to hold onto these customs it leads to toxic and controlling behaviour, I can see why they did it back home as the villages worked more like cooperatives so it was a survival thing but nowadays it’s not really like that, I often see greedy parents think they’re ‘owed’ the son’s salary. I’ve seen the ugly side of it and often it’s the daughter in law at the bottom of the pecking order.

This is a really good idea.

Yep, all of this.

And thats the problem. If you grow up in a different culture you adopt the culture that surrounds you. You need to explain this to your DH.

Out of interest what would happen if your children rejected the family norms....were gay, left the religion, divorce or whatever values are held by the family, would they still get a fair share of is it conditional on toeing the family line?

This !

This sounds lovely. I'm sure the UK must have been like this before industrialization

Its a big no from me, I dont evan have a joined account with my husband. I believe women should be financally independent if their husbands, and divide the bills equally.

Financial independence is really important, for all people. It's a safety thing, you can't leave a dangerous situation if you don't have the financial means because someone else controls your money. It may be cultural, but some cultures can be really repressive, particularly of women, and I bet in the vast majority of cases there is a man controlling the money. Pooling finances removed agency, I wouldn't want my children to be raised thinking that's normal.

The system sounds fine for a male but for a female who wants freedom, for one reason or another, it must be hell.
OP should let her parents open a savings account the her DCs’ names.

What will happen with any inheritance you get from your parents? Or would they leave it directly to your kids to try and avoid it this set up do you think?

I guess this works because there is enough money to go round. If money was really tight, how would you prioritise how it was spent?

If dh agrees they can make their own minds up about steak and religion etc when they can express a preference, why cant he see that they are now expressing a preference regarding their money? I guess when the time comes for steak and religion, he might not be so keen either. Easy to say, harder to let go!

I clearly remember my mum asking dad for half a crown (2 shillings and six pence or in metric, 25p) for groceries on the Wednesday before payday. Dad asked her what she had spent the housekeeping on and what did she want the 25p for.
I was about 9, so around 1954/55.
He was deputy head of a large school, he didn't want mum to work the half day Saturday in a ladies 'appointment only' fashion boutique, so he paid her not to go. She hated not going.
He did the banking which was normal then but he also did the shopping for meat and fruit and some sweets for a Saturday TV treat.
Yes, dad dictated the rhythm of the household and we children were given jobs, boys jobs for boys and girls jobs for girls. This was a white UK semi Christian household so male influence was a factor here too but definitely no shared finances.

So how does that work with reference to the tax office. They definitely wouldn't agree.
Or in the case of divorce. How is income and CM calculated. Who does he include in 'the family' ? The ex? Half siblings?

Your dh may prefer that system but U.K. law doesn't work that way and sooner or later the tax office will take exception. Plus it sounds horribly open to control and abuse. YANBU

good luck with that, he will feel he has the right to dominate the household because that's the expectation he was brought up with.

but women are the property of men and as such their needs can be disregarded!
(you can see why the men fight so hard to hold on to the old ways)

I suspect the valve only works one way

This. Coming from a very different, more collectivist culture, I find this practice insane.

I think there is a middle ground. It is possible to teach your children the importance of contributing to the family finances and treating the shared resources responsibly AND making sure they value their own financial independence.

There are so many cases of financial abuse that I think it is particularly important if you have a daughter that you teach her to have her own money set aside "just in case".