To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

[Namechange20222022]

DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

Just popping up stairs to tell my 27 year old how much they owe me.

Why on earth shouldn't adult children who are working not pay money into the house.

Not every parent can afford to support kids once child benefits stops.

I'm curious to where in the world, or what income bracket, do adult children who are working but living at home not pay anything towards the household bills?

Might be called rent or dig money but it generally covers everything, food, electricity bills etc.

Husband was an accountant. He helieved we should have joint accounts in banks not fof cultural reasons bug as we were getting older one of us would die and it would be easier fir the spouse left. We never bothered each others accounts though they were in both names. I survived and did not have any hassle with accounts so if you look at it that way it was great. Nobody tells me how i spend money so it worked for us. My beloved was a smart man who loved me and we never had a problem. Our kids were never involved.

I would suggest that in those cultures where adult children who are earning are not expected to pay living costs the reason is to do with creating an obligation in the adult children that they will support the parents later on.
The parents aren't doing it altruistically, they are doing it because it is to their benefit.

Obligation is not the right word.

My parents funded me whilst I was in full-time education so I could focus on my studies. They were able to make sacrifices so I could do that to give me the best possible chance of succeeding.

If I had not been successful and was not subsequently able to support them in their old age, they wouldn't have held it against me. There was never a ledger or a tally, just a hope that I would have all the tools to do what I wanted in life, and that if I was able to help out the family when I was financially secure, I might want to do that.

I don't have to support my family. I'm not obliged to support them. But I want to.

I feel proud to be in a position where I can take care of myself as an independent woman and also be there financially for my family. The only thing that would have disappointed my family would have been if I hadn't tried to have my own career and if I'd married a man and made myself fully dependent on him for income.

My parents would not have accepted money that came from a partner and not from me. As they wouldn't have had that bond when he was growing up, it wouldn't feel right to them to accept the money.

It tooke a while to even get my head around joint finances with my husband! We have a joint account now but I've still got my own bank account and savings because I'm not bloody stupid 😂
Sharing with his mum and dad would be out of the question for me.

Do you actually believe everyone in the UK starts charging their children rent as soon as they turn 18?

Lots of black and white thinking here. I would imagine that OP, coming from being charged rent from 16 by parents who want to be refunded for postage, might find parents who contribute to house expenses and education, and provide childcare etc, quite attractive.

Is your last name Gates? Or Musk? In order for something like this to truly work, there has to be SO much money in this shared account that an individual expenditure of ANY magnitude does not bankrupt the account. Who is that checks deposits/withdrawals for accuracy? So everyone in the family knows when you have bought tampons? Pregnancy tests? Antibiotics for UTI's? Oy AND Vey. Holiday dinner conversations must be awkward, to say the least. No thanks.

Dont be so ridiculous, bank statements dont show individual items and in this case its a jjoint account with OP and her partner, so its her account as much as his.

Why should you be adopting his culture? Why isn't he adopting yours? Particularly if living in the UK.
He is bonkers

You rub their back, they rub yours, they raise your kids, you raise your old age parents, all transactional, they "support" you into their choice of career and partner, all controlling, overbearing, obedience based and mostly abusive.
In the Western culture relationships aren't transactional and the overbearing level of support isn't offered since you are able to enjoy your freedom and independence.

But why is one culture, usually the grabby one, allowed to prevail? Do people in this situation not say 'My culture and beliefs are different and are of as much value'?

Choosing to pay is one thing. Everyone having carte blanche to spend any money in the family is batshit. So I could use in-laws money to book a spa holiday for myself? Could I go shopping on Bond Street in their dime. Actually.. I'm kind of liking this idea🤔

But according to this tradition, the dc money would also be part of the familial pot so may as well leave it to anyone in the family as it's all everyone's anyway.

What happens in divorce? If spouse A can prove that spouse B has low need as their family will pay for everything the surely spouse A can claim most of the joint assets

What happens to any money you might inherit @Namechange20222022 ? Does this go into the shared family pot?

But surely this is also how entire families will end up in poverty. In your example it all went well. How many failed businesses mean the entire family is left penniless. More business's fail than succeed.

It relies as you say, on trust. But in my experience there are always members of every family who are a bit wayward, CF who are work shy but happy to spend other people's money. How does a family navigate these individuals? Esp when the parents insist the CF adult 'child' is looked after

And I do think it's too extreme to answer your original question.

It’s not something I’d buy into personally, but if you’re happy with the arrangement then I don’t see an issue with it. I wouldn’t expect your children’s’ future partners to happily buy into it though, and not would I plan for it or rely on it as your pension. I’d discourage my daughters from any such arrangement. I also wouldn’t want to pay for my husband’s parents retirement and not my own parents. I know you say they charged you rent, but that tells me their finances may not have been great. Or they were teaching you financial independence. I also gather they’re not happy with your arrangement since they specify to the kids that their money is theirs. I’d also want money back off my kids if I lent them even a tenner and I thought it was going into the in laws’ pot.

What happens when his parents are no longer here, do you leave the arrangement with the brother?

living in the UK, the thinking with pocket money is to teach children responsibility, budgeting and the start of independence, an important life skill. I always have my own money for the same kind of reasons, independence and also for a true appreciation of what things actually cost and what I will need to go without in order to buy what I’d like to (for birthday present for example) without this accountability it would all just blur together. I absolutely could not share/pool money together with my parents, in-laws, or any other extended family up and down or across the family tree, I would just feel like I had so little control of my own life. For example, now we’re thinking of moving but I would have to include others in that financial decision… this would be madness.

yes cultural. I am of the joint finances camp.I feel one family, one unity, one set of resources to share. I am forever horrified when I read things like locked cupboards for everyone’s “own” food in a family home and things like that. But not with in-laws! Never heard about that. You can pay things for your in laws and vice versa but I wouldn’t go so far as having everything in common. that’s a disaster waiting to happen.

You generally have a joint account with your DH, and if you want to be independent or secretive about what you want to spend your “own" money on, can have your own separate account with an allocation. But I don’t like the idea of complete separation, I feel that is a very weird approach that is more like people living together like in a university accommodation, rather than an actual family.

having said all that, DC should be encouraged to learn about money and spending, so I think it would be good to give them pocket money and a budget.

You rub their back, they rub yours, they raise your kids, you raise your old age parents, all transactional, they "support" you into their choice of career and partner, all controlling, overbearing, obedience based and mostly abusive.
In the Western culture relationships aren't transactional and the overbearing level of support isn't offered since you are able to enjoy your freedom and independence.

You are making a lot of assumptions there. I have never “obeyed” my mum or chose my career because of my parents, and they have been entirely supportive of my own choices, your thinking is extremely simplistic. It is about family values and not about obedience. Yes my family looked after me and yes I will gladly, lovingly look after them and pay for them when they are old and frail. I strive to be successful so I can do that for them. And I am very free thank you very much, all my choices are mine. You are thinking of some stereotype of a burka woman beaten into obedience and all their money taken from her. That is abuse. It has nothing to do with the topic of joint family finances here. Instead think Southern European woman and her husband joining finances to pay for granny to come visit her grandchildren.

You say this is transactional. How? I would wholeheartedly think Western culture (and by that I mean anglo culture really, cos Italy, Spain, Portugal, Greece... would not be in the same pot at all) is transactional instead. Daily here a thread pops up complaining that the grandma wants money to look after the kids for a bit, a step mum wants to charge the step children for food, or puts their food allocation in a drawer, a mum wants the 16 year old kid to pay lodging, etc etc. Of course there is a class element to all this too, so it is not just a question of western versus the-rest-of-the-world culture only.

I'm curious to where in the world, or what income bracket, do adult children who are working but living at home not pay anything towards the household bills?

We don't charge our adult children anything to live at home periodically – it's the house they were brought up in so we, and they, consider it their home. Don't have a huge household income, live in same modest 4-bed semi we have since kids were born, but mortgage is paid off and we don't have any loans or debts to service so we don't need the extra money. Obviously if we did need the money, that would be different, and I'm sure a lot of parents/families aren't in as fortunate a position as we are. As we don't need the money, I'd rather they saved and invested it. We're white British, no cultural issues in play.

Just thought I'd put another perspective @Sugarfree23

This is totally different than what OP is talking about. Yes on trips my family often do it like this as well but we don't pool all our money all the time. I don't earn my wages and have it spent my mil on a new fridge for their house. I think its insanity to raise kids like this in a culture that is so different tbh when they get to be teenagers and have part time jobs and stuff and when they go out with their friends they're going to want to be able to buy whatever they want to not allow them to have their own money is mean and will just ostracise them. Especially when OPs family sound like they're giving them money to then expect them to share that money I think is out of order. If I'd gifted my nephew or godson money I'd be very annoyed to find out he's expected to share that with his parents and grandparents when he doesn't want to when it was a gift from me to him.

@thing47 when you say periodically do you mean they live elsewhere at uni and come home for holidays?

I had a YTS (remember them) with £49 a week when I was 17, £10 on bus ticket, £10 to mum.
Later I went back to college then got a decent apprenticeship and was back to paying digs.
Why shouldn't parents ask kids who are working to help pay something towards the household bills?
My parents were ordinary working class people, above the levels of getting income support but not exactly rolling in it.