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Original poster

To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

375 replies

Namechange20222022 · 06/06/2023 23:38

DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

OP posts:
Divorcedalongtime · 08/06/2023 18:18

This actually sounds amazing. I can h defats d it wouldn’t work for many but isn’t this a great idea, to share

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 08/06/2023 18:19

To all those saying it may work well in a South Asian or traditional society, no, it doesn't work well there either. We were literally talking today about a male head of the family who drove his adult child to the grave by putting financial pressure on him... And don't get me started on the powerlessness of women in such a construct.
Don't get me wrong- I love some of the family values in that sort of set up. But not this..

Sarahtm35 · 08/06/2023 18:23

Personally I love this idea of pooled family finances. British people are awful when it comes to helping each other. In my family we have very poor family members and millionaire family members and to me that’s not right.
shared finances actually help each other to generate more money, because if one family member as a gift at say..carpentry and they want to go into business the ‘families money’ pooled together might help achieve the funds to get it going whereas on their own they might never get a chance to set up that successful business. I say keep it, because I think it teaches the value of caring for family.

LoisLane66 · 08/06/2023 18:25

What culture is this? I've never heard of anything more divisive or ridiculous. Any children born here in the UK will learn that's not what happens in the majority of households and may not have the impetus to earn much if they're not benefitting by having their own money to waste or save as they wish. We in the UK like autonomy, not family interference with finances and the family culture having more weight than individual family members.

bellac11 · 08/06/2023 18:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OP clearly married in to this accepting this though and parents can bring their child up in whatever way they want within the law even if they live in a culture which differs from the one they are living within.

He's not 'wrong'. You might not want to live that way but OP has chosen to and chosen to have children with him.

Bunnyannesummers · 08/06/2023 18:28

Your parents are right - if people give your children money for birthdays/Christmas etc they’re giving your children money. Not your father in law.
your children might choose to live like you do. They may choose not to. The point is they need to make the choice and not you unilaterally do it for them - especially because you taking any money given to them and putting in the family pot might take away their choices in future. Eg if you spend all the money in the family pot on medical bills and they then can’t buy a car

diddl · 08/06/2023 18:31

Personally I love this idea of pooled family finances. British people are awful when it comes to helping each other. In my family we have very poor family members and millionaire family members and to me that’s not right.

Surely families can help each other out if they want to without the need for pooled finances?

Lavenderflower · 08/06/2023 18:38

I am not sure I understand you OP. In non-western society it is common to pool resources together. This is how some immigrants buy houses etc in the UK. This is what my grandparents did - they bought with with their siblings and the siblings spouse and then everybody eventually had their own property. I done similar investments with my family but I never pooled resources in the way you described.

LoisLane66 · 08/06/2023 18:40

As for in-laws using the OP's card(s) that's against bank terms and conditions as you must have given them the PIN for the occasions when tap and go isn't accepted.
It's funny that last night I watched an interview on YouTube featuring a woman whose Hassidic husband's über strict religion dictated much of what she was allowed or not allowed to do/eat/wear and much more.
It seems that men dictate much of the activity in these mixed relationships which, IMO, is unacceptable.

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2023 18:43

i honestly dont get how it would work here-what happens god forbid if one of the inalws dies or your husband does that leave you with anything?

i dont think it can work with the next generation living here

fucktonofcats · 08/06/2023 18:44

This setup makes me feel deeply uncomfortable - I think there's an underlying sense of women being inferior and financial control/abuse.

I have an East Asian background, and this concept of pooling is alien to me. I know someone said it was common in both South Asia and East Asia, but I've never come across it before.

With that said, we believe that the higher earners, no matter who they are (male or female), should support the rest of the family if they are able to, not because they have to, but because they want to. We all look after each other as much as we can based on the different circumstances/stages of life.

For example, my parents put me through university by making huge financial sacrifices at the time so that I could focus on my degree. Now that they are retired, and I am working in a good job, I send them money each month.

There's a sense of intergenerational support, but the difference is I don't have access to my parents' bank accounts, and they don't have access to mine. We all retain independence and dignity. As long as everyone is sensible (and it's a family trait), there's no need to ask where the money has gone. We certainly wouldn't tell each other how to spend our money.

By not merrily sharing cards and PINs, we're not putting anyone at financial risk of the bank refusing to pay out if there was fraud by a third party. I shudder to read of you openly saying you share financial details with people who aren't cardholders - do you know what a huge risk you are taking? Or have I misread, and everyone is an additional authorised cardholder with their own PIN?

I wouldn't expect a partner to give my parents money or for me to give his parents money, only for him to respect my wish to support my parents out of my own income. He could do the same for his own if they needed it, and he was so inclined.

The way that I do finances, I think, has a similar outcome to what you are trying to achieve, OP, but in a way that doesn't put any of my family at risk. It also doesn't involve taking money away from children.

I hate the idea of taking money off kids because the patriarch said so. I don't think it's a healthy attitude to teach in the UK, and it puts them at risk of being seriously taken advantage of by other people. (Well, as well as by their father.) If I knew someone took money off their kids, I wouldn't give anything to the kids that was cash or could be easily turned into cash.

NicCageisnotNickCave · 08/06/2023 18:46

Perhaps the maternal grandparents could open bank accounts for the grandchildren, with the grandparents as the co signatures until the kids are old enough?

that way both sides of the family would be able to demonstrate their different ways of doing things, and the kids will have the benefit of both approaches?

only I’m pretty sure that the maternal grandparents won’t want any inheritance they may leave in future for their grandchildren to go into their son in law’s parent’s account!

MysteryBelle · 08/06/2023 18:47

They shouldn’t be taught these “values”. Think how easy it would be for predator relatives to commandeer a person’s finances. And individuals lose their control over their own finances and decisions. Hard NO!

I’m sorry but I think your husband is insane and controlling and yes abusive. This sounds like a sinister twisting of cultural norms. It is crazy to say you and your children are supposed to have no control or say really over your own money, that it essentially is the purview of your husband and his parents. Uh NO!

It is not a pooling of resources, it is handing total control over your lives and finances to wacky parents in law and sly husband.

You’re in a pickle.

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2023 18:48

sorry forgot to say if the kids are given money from your parents then its theirs not yours or your pils

MysteryBelle · 08/06/2023 18:49

fucktonofcats · 08/06/2023 18:44

This setup makes me feel deeply uncomfortable - I think there's an underlying sense of women being inferior and financial control/abuse.

I have an East Asian background, and this concept of pooling is alien to me. I know someone said it was common in both South Asia and East Asia, but I've never come across it before.

With that said, we believe that the higher earners, no matter who they are (male or female), should support the rest of the family if they are able to, not because they have to, but because they want to. We all look after each other as much as we can based on the different circumstances/stages of life.

For example, my parents put me through university by making huge financial sacrifices at the time so that I could focus on my degree. Now that they are retired, and I am working in a good job, I send them money each month.

There's a sense of intergenerational support, but the difference is I don't have access to my parents' bank accounts, and they don't have access to mine. We all retain independence and dignity. As long as everyone is sensible (and it's a family trait), there's no need to ask where the money has gone. We certainly wouldn't tell each other how to spend our money.

By not merrily sharing cards and PINs, we're not putting anyone at financial risk of the bank refusing to pay out if there was fraud by a third party. I shudder to read of you openly saying you share financial details with people who aren't cardholders - do you know what a huge risk you are taking? Or have I misread, and everyone is an additional authorised cardholder with their own PIN?

I wouldn't expect a partner to give my parents money or for me to give his parents money, only for him to respect my wish to support my parents out of my own income. He could do the same for his own if they needed it, and he was so inclined.

The way that I do finances, I think, has a similar outcome to what you are trying to achieve, OP, but in a way that doesn't put any of my family at risk. It also doesn't involve taking money away from children.

I hate the idea of taking money off kids because the patriarch said so. I don't think it's a healthy attitude to teach in the UK, and it puts them at risk of being seriously taken advantage of by other people. (Well, as well as by their father.) If I knew someone took money off their kids, I wouldn't give anything to the kids that was cash or could be easily turned into cash.

Excellent post.

MysteryBelle · 08/06/2023 18:49

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2023 18:48

sorry forgot to say if the kids are given money from your parents then its theirs not yours or your pils

Exactly

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2023 18:50

@Namechange20222022 I don't know if you answered this before but what happens to money and property in the event of a divorce?

That must happen sometimes

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 08/06/2023 18:50

fucktonofcats · 08/06/2023 18:44

This setup makes me feel deeply uncomfortable - I think there's an underlying sense of women being inferior and financial control/abuse.

I have an East Asian background, and this concept of pooling is alien to me. I know someone said it was common in both South Asia and East Asia, but I've never come across it before.

With that said, we believe that the higher earners, no matter who they are (male or female), should support the rest of the family if they are able to, not because they have to, but because they want to. We all look after each other as much as we can based on the different circumstances/stages of life.

For example, my parents put me through university by making huge financial sacrifices at the time so that I could focus on my degree. Now that they are retired, and I am working in a good job, I send them money each month.

There's a sense of intergenerational support, but the difference is I don't have access to my parents' bank accounts, and they don't have access to mine. We all retain independence and dignity. As long as everyone is sensible (and it's a family trait), there's no need to ask where the money has gone. We certainly wouldn't tell each other how to spend our money.

By not merrily sharing cards and PINs, we're not putting anyone at financial risk of the bank refusing to pay out if there was fraud by a third party. I shudder to read of you openly saying you share financial details with people who aren't cardholders - do you know what a huge risk you are taking? Or have I misread, and everyone is an additional authorised cardholder with their own PIN?

I wouldn't expect a partner to give my parents money or for me to give his parents money, only for him to respect my wish to support my parents out of my own income. He could do the same for his own if they needed it, and he was so inclined.

The way that I do finances, I think, has a similar outcome to what you are trying to achieve, OP, but in a way that doesn't put any of my family at risk. It also doesn't involve taking money away from children.

I hate the idea of taking money off kids because the patriarch said so. I don't think it's a healthy attitude to teach in the UK, and it puts them at risk of being seriously taken advantage of by other people. (Well, as well as by their father.) If I knew someone took money off their kids, I wouldn't give anything to the kids that was cash or could be easily turned into cash.

This!!!

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2023 18:51

LoisLane66 · 08/06/2023 18:40

As for in-laws using the OP's card(s) that's against bank terms and conditions as you must have given them the PIN for the occasions when tap and go isn't accepted.
It's funny that last night I watched an interview on YouTube featuring a woman whose Hassidic husband's über strict religion dictated much of what she was allowed or not allowed to do/eat/wear and much more.
It seems that men dictate much of the activity in these mixed relationships which, IMO, is unacceptable.

Yes especially this-i was told off by mr bank for letting my dh use my debit card even though its a joint account!

it goes against the terms and any fraud that happens would be hard to get your money back

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 08/06/2023 18:51

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2023 18:50

@Namechange20222022 I don't know if you answered this before but what happens to money and property in the event of a divorce?

That must happen sometimes

And this is why this set up is shite. It leaves women trapped.

SomewhereInTheMIdlands · 08/06/2023 18:54

Namechange20222022 · 06/06/2023 23:38

DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

Obviously a different culture, leading to a clash of values.

diddl · 08/06/2023 19:00

I don't like the idea of kids having to give up gifted money to working adults tbh.

I suppose your husband did this so it's what he's used to.

ANonnyMice · 08/06/2023 19:02

Good grief.

I would absolutely hate this. How could you ever feel comfortable spending money on silly things, or not be constantly anxious that someone goes nuts with the credit card.

DH and I have been happily married for over 15 years... we have entirely separate finances. Neither of us even knows what the other earns.

We will be encouraging DD to maintain her financial independence and security as an adult. I would be very, very concerned if she wanted to marry a partner with this kind of concept.

Loz4567 · 08/06/2023 19:05

I've been living like this for years but would not recommend. I'd say don't do it. It's YOUR independence don't allow anyone to take that from you. Pay your share of bills and for your child of course, perhaps help family every now and again but no more than that You need to stay in control of your own money. I'm slowly getting my independence back..

Mantissatopower4 · 08/06/2023 19:06

How does sharing finances in this way cope with marital breakdown, divorce and financial settlements? It’s a nightmare in the “simple” divorce I am involved in.