To think DH’s idea of pooled family finances is too extreme

[Namechange20222022]

DH hates the idea of separate finances, not only within the household but also with his parents. They live on another continent but their money is ours and ours theirs, there is no distinction on who pays for large purchases/flights to visit each other and any other expenses while travelling etc, meals out, holidays etc. I’ve gotten used to this over the years.

However we now have DC who, via my side of the family, have been exposed to the idea of having their own money. DH hates the idea of ‘my money’, even inter-generational. And strongly believes as an extended family everything should be shared and it’s all collectively ‘our’ money (richer or poorer..).
He wants DC (7 and 5) to be taught the same principles but I think this may be difficult.
By contrast my parents have separate finances, bank accounts, I grew up with my own pocket money etc.

DH doesn’t mind DC being given cash (though he’d prefer not at this age) but he doesn’t want them to think it’s theirs alone and they should be happy to share it with the family.

No the two that this applies to have finished university. One works abroad for 6 months every year so it's difficult to source a rental, either alone or with friends, when back in the UK. Another lived at home during their Masters and hasn't moved out yet though they are now working.

Of course parents are perfectly reasonable to ask for working adult children to contribute. No judgment here. I was merely offering an explanation as to why some might not.

Let's say his DB doesn't have any children with his wife would your two children have to share their family money later on with yourselves and their uncles family?

They would have to find understanding wives who will accept this setup. That is a lot to put on them.

I don't see anything wrong with sharing family money to extended families especially if you are all close.

I ask my daughter to buy her own clothes and things that she needs to keep herself clean. She is also saving for her level 3 hairdressing course we paid for level 2. That's how she helps the household one less person to clothe and pay for. Everything else food and household bills we pay for.

I don't like this at all. By "shared" what you really mean is that father in law doesn't lose control.
His son is copying his dad. (Maybe just to keep him happy)
I suspect that mother in law has less say in whether she agrees, and then you are being expected to follow in their tradition.

In certain other cultures, equality still hasn't caught up with the UK.
Sharing with your husband is ok but only if that's what YOU want to do.
Be a strong modern woman and help put antiquated men first traditions behind us.

Ps. I'm a man

in UK law, 'separate money for spouses', especially for spouses who've been together a long time and/or accumulated most of their collective wealth whilst married isn't really all that much of a thing. e.g. in a divorce situation it doesn't really matter a jot whose name sits atop a set of property deeds or bank account.

my very strong personal preference is that husband and wife do not really have separate finances at all, certainly not in a 'vanilla' setup where they've been together a while, it's both of their first marriage, any kids they have are kids who they've had together, etc.

but there's to my mind an equally strong presumption in favour of completely separate finances between generations of adults. by all means expect an adult child who's living with you to pay rent, or for one party to help the other out at a time of dire need, but generally money should not be joint.

@stingypeasant 😂😂😂

I'm white English our extended family don't share finances but we happily pay bills and help out. We look after each other if needing care, driving to appointments etc we've shared childcare, cooked for each other as adults living at home we contribute to the family pot when adults leave home we contribute to setting them up according to what each can afford but we don't say what individuals should spend or save.
I'm not sure why people think British people are any different the only issue obviously is if you live too far to physically help....and the exceptionally high cost of housing

Surely insisting on one community pot for all is taking money off of your children for rent and living....only in this case they have 2 homes to pay for over 3 families and unlike most families who do ask adults living in one house to contribute this family are not allowed to escape?

I agree, it's about ensuring that the elders (and usually specifically the man) stay in control of the whole family, this means that everyone elses interests are subordinated to those of the elders.

It’s weird and would cause friction in most families.

This is how you set them up to get financially abused later on in life.

It sounds as though this arrangement works well for you and your extended family but the potential issue regards the children’s wishes, and indeed their partners, in future. You can of course teach them the same principles but will you give them the option to be financially independent i.e. if they choose not to pool resources as adults? And if one or both made a different choice, would your husband be disappointed and will this affect their relationship? Would this affect the support you might offer them as parents if they’re not in the pool? Will it affect any inheritance you leave one or both if they opt out? And will you save for your retirement in the event one or both don’t choose the same set up you have with your in-laws? Whilst the arrangement isn’t familiar to me it’s nice to see family supporting each other. It clearly works for you but it wouldn’t be practical or suit everyone. If it were my boys I’d give them free choice, no strings attached, always try to give them the same level of financial support - pooled resources or not, plan for my retirement so as to hopefully not need anything in return and equally divide anything between them in my will regardless of their choices. I’d also hope they’d support each other and their family as needed like any close family would. Good luck, it sounds like you have a lovely family (both sides) just with different ways of life - both of which are fine x

It works well in this country when the families live together as lots of adults working running one house. That’s why lots of Indian kids in private school as many salaries contribute.

Completely bonkers arrangement. Truly bizarre. Only way I’d be ok with it is if in-laws were millionaires!

My ex husband is Asian, I am not. He took advantage of me and convinced me to use our money to pay his mum's mortgage for her mansion in SE Asia and extend our house. Now divorcing he keeps mummy's big mansion and half of out home paid by for with my hard work and help from my family. Advocate of pooled finances are usually those who have to benefit from it.

I can’t get my head around that. It seems completely bonkers @Namechange20222022 . No way could I be part of such a system.

I think your husband is right anout sharing everything as a couple, you and him, and your children as long as they're dependant on you. My husband and I share everything we have, but that's as far as it goes. Our parents (all gone now) were never included in our finances. We helped his parents when they needed it. Our children run their own families and so their own finances. We help if and when needed. But no collective accounts or anything.

I can’t get my head around the inter generational/another continent thing unless of course you have so much money nobody notices who spends what, I really feel for your kids :(

I disagree that the men always have the 'control' in this traditional setup. sometimes, yes every much but not always, I think its personality based.

MIL has a stronger views than FIL on most things. MIL and DH argue a bit, but otherwise we are all quite relaxed, we know collectively what is within out means and what isn't, and we just go ahead and buy things we want/need. e.g. if i wanted £100 pair of trainers I'd just order them. if i wanted a £5k diamond ring then tough luck, we obviously cant afford for me to buy that. it is possible for everyone to have a general sense of what we can and can't afford and just spend sensibly. no one is watching every penny spent by others.

i will say, that we do have slightly different attitiudes...FIL wouldn't dream of spending £100 on a pair of trainers for himself, and DH would think very hard about it. But none of them would question/comment it if i wanted a new paid and thats the ones i liked / ordered

You can spin it every which a way you want but it is controlling your money, and it is wrong.

You must have quite a high disposable income to be able to do even that though. We earn well by most standards, but we still need to be careful. Even within a couple, neither of us can just buy whatever we fancy, even if it is just clothes from H&M or new trainers. We certainly would need to keep track of what everyone is spending if we had your set up. I think most people are similar, so just being able to manage the logistics of this, for most people in the UK, would be quite the challenge I suspect.

Is it just his parents, or are your parents in this pool too?

We lived like this growing up, my father always talked about a pool of money, family money etc and it was all from genuine good place. My husbands family was also the same. Problems now arise as siblings are older and some, basically me and my husband!, have contributed a lot more than others. I’m not talking little things like flights, we are talking cars and houses. My husband and I have bought 4 houses for family members between us.
It can work with just parents and only children but we are now at age 40 seeing the problems manifesting between siblings. My husband and I now experiencing that our children will have less because siblings gaining from our investments. It’s all good until priorities change.

I suppose another angle to consider is how your DCs' friends will perceive this.

Picture this: they go off to college or uni, and their Western mates (you are raising them in the UK, after all) find out about these arrangements. I predict outrage, horror and rallying calls of 'your family are so controlling; you have to cut them off!'

At that sort of age, they are more likely to side with their friends (especially if they had doubts in the first place).

Maybe the pool ends with you and your DH, and your DC live more independently, in a way that makes more cultural sense to where they are growing up.