Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

I really don’t think the OP will be coming back to the thread.

he can’t really do much else sadly. If he stops her going by not being in when she turns up to drop DD off before her holiday, next time she’ll just book it and not even tell him…. Then just not turn up on her collection day!
He could also arrange childcare and tell her she needs to pay for it as it’s ‘her days’… (or deduct it from her child maintenance if he pays her it?!…. Which I doubt since he literally already does the lions share of childcare!
The other option of course is to file for full custody now and use this as an example of what a terrible mother she is! (Just my opinion but she is terrible!

You're so fucking right

If a mum posted this, it would be pitchforks at dawn, and don't be at home when he wants to drop off

@Xuzes it's shit, but try and make the best of it, can you swap shifts? Take parental or annual leave?

Whilst Mum may not have abandoned her child to strangers, she has booked a holiday without checking childcare can be arranged and is in place first of all. I can't imagine there are many people who would do that to be honest.

For those saying the other parent should suck it up, book time off work or arrange childcare so ex wife can go on a holiday which hasn't been discussed, then I wonder what world you live in where your circumstances allow you to do that so readily.

What would you have done if she had left your child to you with full custody and full responsibility? As it is expected in other cultures in the case of divorce the father has to take full responsibility of the children.

Only women can work AND childcare... my kids dad has never had them unless he was off... imagine the luxury

Right!!
The men haters are out in force on this one 🙄

But this hasn't happened, has it. As it stajds they have parenting agreements in place and both appear to care for the child. Therefore each have set up their lifes around that schedule.

I am pretty sure if OP was in this position that they had full custody, then they would manage and reorganise their life accordingly.

But to expect someone to just be able to sort out additional childcare for the whim of a holiday undicussed and unagreed, I think is pretty lousy parenting on anyone's part. It's not right for either party to do that and just expect the other parent to bend accordingly.

Not saying it's wrong for either to want a holiday but tuthfully most people don't even arrange a day out or a night out without first checking their children can be looked after first.

We actually don’t know that the ex is a ‘terrible mother’ who ‘abandons’ her child.

All we know is that the OP’s brother has told his family that his evil ex has booked a holiday (at some unspecified point) and is ‘abandoning’ her daughter with him and he’s not happy.

Loads of people tell their families a sanitised version of events where they’re the victim and everyone else is awful to them. Lots of families view their male relatives through weird distortion glasses that make them the poor victim of awful women.

This is a second hand story from an OP who certainly doesn’t have all the details. But look how many people have rushed to berate dreadful women in general on it.

On most threads everyone would be really annoyed about the OP play acting as someone else for the OP. It’s similar to doing a reverse - they don’t have all the details and are invested to present it in a way that elicits anger at the ex.

But somehow the assumption that the OP is a man, means loads of people have overlooked that and are happily talking about how inadequate the mother is and how awful ‘man hating’ women on MN are.

I swear there was a thread on here literally like last week about a women saying her ex and new girlfriend had given 6 month’s notice for a holiday, the woman who wrote the thread stated she didn’t want to use her annual leave 🙄… of course everyone was bashing the man on there for not asking her permission beforehand.

funny to see everyone’s reply when it’s the opposite way around 😂 of course she’s irresponsible and 14 nights is taking the utter piss! That’s not a break, that’s booking something and not giving a shit about her child.

I do agree she is abandoning her child, because any parent who cared about there child would ask first (if it’s short notice) and would want to make sure arrangements are in place for her child? Yes as much as it’s just a much your responsibility OP your not going to find childcare at this short notice and it’s mums actions who have caused this,

my advice is to say to her she either asks family to help cover the time she’s gone or finds appropriate childcare as you work full time, to let you know once she’s done this..

second option there is a possibility depending on the age of the child you can apply to the courts to try and stop her from going (however this would be a faf and ultimately not the nicest option for the child)

third option try and book annual leave and hope they grant it?? Also see if you have any family who can help to.

what a shit situation to land you and your child in! Completely selfish imo, yes parents deserve a break, would I book a 14nights holiday without making sure my children are sorted first? Would I fuck..

replies on here speak volumes aswell🙄

My ex does this a lot when they travel for 'work'. I am lucky most of the time if I get a weeks notice. Mostly I can accommodate and do so (albeit grumbling if there have been several occasions within short time) if not, then grandparents are asked. One thing is for sure, they would never cancel their trip for DC so like it or lump it, it will be down to me to sort out if they don't find an alternative.

There are numerous examples of misandrist attitudes in this thread and multiple misandrist assumptions. Yes I agree the use of the term “abandoned” by the OP was misjudged, but be is upset. The point is that the mother has changed the arrangements without any consideration to the other parent and that is inconsiderate. Having been a male single parent in the early 90’s to 2000’s I have been the recipient of misandrist views when it comes to parenting and not being welcome in parent and child spaces, thankfully this has improved over the years, but the female voices piling in on this male parent suggest some of the attitudes haven’t. I would like to make it abundantly clear I am not a misogynist, I am now happily married to a powerful woman and have two daughters, one young and one old enough to give me grandchildren. The voices on this thread have much to learn about how parenting is a partnership and not a game of your job/ my job

I've skim-read the thread. The ex and I have a fully functioning, flexible cooperative co-parenting arrangement. We're 5-6 yrs in. I personally feel that rigid scheduling isn't workable. Accommodating one another and being flexible is the only way it works.
I think the op has a point, however, can he either legally or physically stop her, no. Negotiation is the key.

@Densol57 so what happened when you couldn’t get home?

I don’t know how to navigate the legalities of co-patenting. Have experience of being on peripheral when friends divorced. Do you have set days? Our friends did as that’s what worked for them due to work commitments etc. If so, my suggestion would be to discuss with ex & she what they’ve arranged with regards to childcare on, dare I say it, their days. Ad-hoc childcare is impossible where I live so likely not feasible. Unpaid childcare leave not utilised by my employer either &, even if requested, likely wouldn’t be granted. Could ex’s parents help (request they arrange it), or your parents?

The point is that the mother has changed the arrangements without any consideration to the other parent and that is inconsiderate

We only know that he complained to his sister that his ex is inconsiderate and doesn’t show any consideration to him.

But that is often the kind of story that many people hear about their siblings’ exes (male and female siblings) and it rarely reflects the true situation.

Given the OP is only hearing this through her brother’s complaints - and complaints motivated by trying to find himself a babysitter at that - we actually don’t know whether his ex tried to discuss anything with him. Or how many times. Or whether she just got fed up with him blocking her from going on holiday because it’s not convenient to him and told him she’d booked X dates.

People don’t tend to tell their sister (who they’re possibly hoping will feel so sorry for them she’ll come and look after the child) that they’ve been a dick to their ex and she’s had enough, do they? No they more often tell a version where they come out looking good and their ex is the entire problem.

That was me and to be clear the issue was being forced to ask for annual leave that didn't suit me as he had already booked the holiday. Due to my son's sn childcare isn't readily available, and my holidays can be difficult to get as a very limited number of people can be off, so it was stressful to be put in a position that could have been avoided with a bit of consideration, all he had to do was check the dates first and book it once I had had the holiday agreed rather than the other way around.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

So controlling your ex is the most important thing to you?

Sorry your brother controlling his ex.

I know you added it later but you didn't mention the age of the child or how far away the holiday is.

If it's next week then it's a bit shit but if it is several months away then it isn't. One good thing is that if she can go away for 2 weeks and leave his child with him, then he can also go away for a different 2 weeks.

Can you and your brother remember this is a child. An actual human being who deserves a happy childhood.

Your brother is entitled to annual leave and parental leave. And just in case he has forgotten he is the father.

Ah so she’s not actually abandoning her daughter at all? She’s leaving her with you and for some reason you don’t want your daughter for a whole 2 weeks. Not saying she shouldn’t have spoken to you first but as other people have said there’s plenty of single parents who manage work and more than 1 child. Not getting the problem myself except that you’re miffed that she didn’t speak to you first. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have you ever read the hundreds of threads about FathersWhoFuckOff and suddenly have no earnings to pay maintenance because they're self-employed? Or only have an interest in the children when they suddenly want 50:50 because it means no maintenance? Or the ones who actually abandon their children?

Perhaps you can pontificate to them, so that they can actively fight the assumptions and stereotypes by actually being decent humans.

The OP has YET to clarify how often her dear brother actually parents his own child. Wonder why? 🧐

The op says he takes his daughter with him on his holidays. The ex is planning to just swan off for 2 weeks and not care about her daughter's needs. The ex needs to arrange and pay for childcare for her days, she is responsible for her daughter 50% of the time.

We don't know that it's 50% of the time. The OP has said her brother has the child 'nights'. Never used the term 'days'. I guarantee it's not a 50:50 arrangement at all. Even when the child isn't at school.