Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

When I shared care with my ex - We would each plan holidays in advance. When he went on holiday with the kids, Id have my girls holiday etc and vice versa
Its about communication and getting on with your life too.
All worked out well until I got stuck in USA for an extra two weeks because of the volcano …….😂

She’s being very out of order booking it without consultation which suggests a very problematic relationship which will impact upon your shared child. Please be the bigger person and see this extra time with your child for the gift it is. If you work shifts/away or whatever and cannot cover the 3 nights a week your partner would ordinarily have your child can you work together to find a solution (family cover, she pays for a nanny etc.)?.” I don’t think your use of the word abandon is wrong actually, i think she’s been horribly irresponsible in planning to have no agreed carer and complete disrespect for her child’s parent. Your genders are irrelevant.

Reported this post for your awful language!

@FloydPepper yes actually I would. I am deeply suspicious of anyone who uses over the top language in order to try to sway opinions.

In fact why not decide this is an ideal time for daughter and daddy holiday ?

I’m sorry but you both share the responsibility and you wouldn’t hesitate to do the same however she’s been unfair and taking it too far there’s no way as a mother could I leave my child for 14 days never mind telling her I’m going on holiday without her: @I’d ask her to contribute to wrap around care that you’ll need etc. your daughter will be grateful that you are there and have been and will remember this if old enough!

What working parent has 2 weeks of annual leave available to take a solo holiday?!?! Mine either goes on family holiday or covering childcare in the school holidays. Having a day to do something for me is a dream let alone a fortnight!!

My ex has done whatever the fuck he wants for years. In the end, I just paid full time childcare so I had no issues when he did whatever it was he wanted. There is no law to make people take responsibility and do the right thing.

This, exactly. I work full time and look after all of mine with zero input from my ex. I would say, just put appropriate childcare in place on the days you have obligations outside the home.

LONG STORY SHORT:

Abandonment - NO.

Should have consulted OP about holiday plans, and is unreasonable to expect OP to suck it up without notice - YES.

Shitty behaviour from your brother's ex. Selfish

Wow, you’re using language highly offensive to disabled people to try and make a point?

I think you and the OP would get along great!

I didn’t comment on wether the mum was unreasonable or not to discuss it first as that all depends on the situation and the contact arrangements etc.

But using the word abandoned to refer to a child that isn’t in any way abandoned and immediately jumping to how can I stop her going on holiday is highly emotive language that is clearly used to control the actions of another person and like I said tells me all I need to know about the relationship dynamics.

Leaving a child in the safe care of their other parent is not abandoning them!

We have no backstory here and we have 1 side of the story. For all you know this holiday is months in advance and plenty of notice given. Maybe the OP has been on multiple child free holidays and now the mum wants one as well. You can’t judge on one version of events but the language in that first post has red flags all over it!

Go on then. She posted at 18.01

Exactly this!

Are you also saying you’d accuse the remake poster who said her ex abandons their child controlling?

^Thank you for all your helpful comments. I was posting for my brother who’s in this situation and doesn’t know where to turn. It’s been insightful to get other peoples perspectives outside of our family.

his daughter is 5 and he does work away on the nights when he doesn’t have her. I live 250miles from him so unable to help with his childcare.^

Why are you posting here when it's your brothers stuff going on? You should have been honest in your OP.

You both sound weird....

I haven’t seen that post as I haven’t read the full thread but yes anyone who says a parent is abandoning their child when this isn’t true and then tries to use this supposed abandonment is clearly showing they use emotive language to try and control another person. It’s the combination of “abandoned” and how can I stop her from going that is the issue here. Anyone who has been in that type of relationship can see red flags all over that first post.

She should have run the idea by you to advise and not just assume you could or would be able to do it, I agree, but I guess your relationship has broken down to a point where this level of respect for each other no longer exists. So, perhaps try to reintroduce it so you can both co-parent your daughter well in the future, your daughter is both of your responsibilities, and there will be may times in her future when you both have to work together to be parents. Talk to your ex about the practical side of these two weeks and let he know the difficulty you have with juggling her care with your work. I am a single mum to two boys, and one with Autism, which comes with its own set of challenges, but I still manage to work and balance things with paid help or holiday days and you’ll be able to ask for parental leave also. Please don’t be panicked by the sudden challenge and let this fuel your anger with her behaviour, and you never know, you might just love the extra time you have with your daughter to do fun things and not be in a rush to get her home to her mum by a certain time ! 😊

She posted at 18.01
go on then…

I’ve just looked. The poster you refer to said her ex abandons the children. However there is no evidence of her using that emotive language (which I don’t agree with as it’s incorrect) to manipulate or control the actions of another person like the post of the OP is clearly doing.

Can you really not see the difference? Look up cohesive control and you will see this a common manipulation technique. The word alone isn’t the issue. The context of that word and the attempts to stop someone having a holiday is the issue.

The OP hasn’t even said this holiday has been booked! Just that she’s decided to have a holiday. So is she wrong to simply say she wants a childfree holiday? Maybe she’s happy to be flexible on dates and work with the OP who clearly just wants to use the child to get her to not do so.

If the OP had not used the word abandoning when referring to their own child (or a relatives child, as we now know) then I fully believe that the answers here would have been majority on their side. But, if you use the word abandoning when referring to your own child, then the majority are going to assume that you are in general a POS when it comes to your child.

Hilarious.

My DS’s father, who has been on multiple holidays since he was born, has never once asked me if I was Ok looking after DS while he was away, or if he could contribute to childcare (hahaha), or how I am managing school holidays with my own FT job. DS is my responsibility, unless his father wants to see him.

I can overlook the use of a certain word (that was from the OP, not even the father), and still see that the child's mother's behaviour is unreasonable.

It’s not great co-parenting it’s got to be said but she’s not abandoning her child she is leaving a child with its parent who loves and cares for it and has the same amount of responsibility for the child as she does.

if it’s money you could ask her to pay half the childcare cost and you both parent 50/50. So costs should be 50/50

but I have to say whilst it’s not the best it’s not abandoning it’s leaving the child with its parent where she knows she’s safe and cared for and loved and will be feed and looked after

There is no evidence OPs brother used the word abandoned in talking to his ex, let alone in order to control

you are condemning a man for using language you are ok with a woman usung