Ex-wife booking holiday and abandoning daughter for 2 weeks?

[Xuzes]

Hi

I am going through a divorce and currently sharing childcare with my ex, I have our daughter 4 nights a week.

When I’ve taken our daughter away anywhere I have always consulted with her Mum first before booking anything.

My ex has told me today that she has decided to take a 2 week holiday without our daughter, without consulting me and I would have to look after our daughter for 14 potentially more days whilst she is away and I work full time which I cannot manage.

I would like to know where I stand in this situation and could I stop my ex from going if it put my daughters childcare at risk. Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

The OP is a woman actually so no you are wrong.

Ok so the brother is ok to use the word abandoned when talking to his sister?

Are you deliberately changing what I say? I haven’t once commented on the OP’s “brother” and as the OP hasn’t been back to answer the questions asked about this it’s impossible to comment on the situation or make a judgement.

But I’ve got better things to do than point out glaring red flags in that first post that multiple people have seen. Particularly when you’re the sort of person who uses offensive language yourself so you’re never going to understand why the combination of language in that first post is the issue at hand.

unfortunately, we don't really know if it is unreasonable. Given the hyperbolic language of the OP and the obvious bias for a sibling plus the fact that we don't know when the holiday is going to be (how far in the future) it is really hard to say. I think what all agree on is that proper notice should be given, that the language used in the post was over the top.
But we have no way of knowing that it was unreasonable. We don't know their history, their arrangements, anything. We don't know because the OP doesn't know because the OP is neither of the parents, doesn't see any of them and only knows what her sibling tells her.

Exactly this!

For all we know this holiday isn’t even booked yet and she was simply asking about booking at a convenient time.

You very clearly said anyone using that language was controlling. It’s implied the brother did, and you were saying he was controlling.

you won’t say a female poster using the same word is. You now say you didn’t mean the brother at all but the op?

I believe that was me!
Just to clarify I was given the annual leave. I'm actually not unhappy about the outcome. I am still pissed that he didn't check dates with me first.
Sadly though, if any parents first thoughts aren't for their child/children we can't force that. I just see it as priority to make sure mine know they are wanted with me, and I like spending time with them. If their dad can't show them the same, that's on him, and his future relationship with them is his look out not mine.

Find a single post where I say “he” or call the OP’s brother controlling. I have never referred to the brother. You are simply changing the narrative to try and make this about sex when it isn’t.

I said the OP’s first post shows controlling behaviour by using emotive language to influence another person’s actions. I stand by that. I won’t keep repeating myself when you are choosing to make your own assumptions about what I actually said and who I said it about.

So the op is controlling?

I'd find childcare but know it might be difficult. I'd
also take two weeks holiday later in the year...without consulting her mum. 😁

I’d be pissed off if this was me but in reality you can’t do anything about it. I assume you are the resident parent if you have 4 days a week? You can’t force your ex to turn up for contact.

It drives me bonkers that my ex can work whatever hours/ travel and I just have to suck it up/ work the crappy flexible poorly paid job to be there for the children.

You sound very bitter don’t you think she deserves a break? It’s not like she is kidnapping your child she’s leaving her in the UK presumably with your which is why you’re mad

People keeping on arguing about sexism and 'of the roles were reversed' but I find the disappearance of the OP telling.

Why have children if you don't want to go on holiday with them?

There’s actually no way we can know whether he himself said his ex was ‘abandoning’ their DD to go on holiday. The OP is apparently his sister, for all we know it could be her own interpretation of the situation and not his.

But assuming he did describe it that way himself when arguing with her, then yes that was OTT and also manipulative.

Exactly. If OP was a woman talking about her male ex then women on here would call him inconsiderate and a piss poor parent. OP’s ex needs to pay for daytime childcare because why should OP use up a huge chunk of his annual leave when he could save that for family emergencies and family holidays?

She doesn’t beed your permission and you should find a solution by yourself. Going to holiday without your kid is not abandoning her.

If OP was a woman talking about her male ex then women on here would…

But the OP isn’t a man talking about his ex anyway. It’s not even the right comparison.

The OP is (I think) a woman posting about her brother’s situation. That means she definitely doesn’t have the full picture and is telling half a version of the story her brother has told her.

There's no mention of when this holiday actually is, so that could make a big difference.

If its booked with very little notice there's a chance that the father's work place need a certain amount of weeks notice or there's already x amount of people that have booked time off already, it's not unusual for workers to get their holiday dates in early inorder to bag their chosen dates.

It's a bit much to ask/expect your employer/work colleagues to rearrange just because the EX has booked a fortnight away.

Equally the father may budget and has plans in place for childcare/expenses when he has DD but funds just aren't available for a fortnight's care or childcare may not even be available on those days.

Why do you think that the OP takes 14 days holiday without his DC?

Just tell her you can't accommodate the extra days but after she has arranged the childcare for DC please to let you know where she will be and who with. Just say you will be sticking to agreement in place for your days.

It must be hard to communicate with a person who does what she wants without talking to OP first. How could he communicate with her and discuss it if he didn't know she would be just booking without discussion.

Just because your partner treated you like shit it does not mean everyone should lower their bar.

I agree! Some replies almost sound defensive.

@Xuzes your brother could maybe speak to his boss about rearranging shifts? So he isn’t away for that fortnight for example, but is instead away for the fortnight prior…. That way he can say to ex wife …..
‘Okay, that’s fine… I’ve managed to rearrange work despite the unreasonably short notice, however it does mean I can’t have DD between 5th July - 19th July we will need to earn the time off I’m taking to accommodate your holiday! Have a lovely time!